Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[nnm 37981]

2 hours ago, ztejas said:

I had pony. 

Cool story brony. You need to update your avatar. 

[SHOOTER12 8889]

3 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

None of them want to be that  mom that gives out the cheapest gift bag. 

Nope, this old grandpa probably holds the record for that. I posted it elsewhere but don't remember where, but my granddaughter always loved the little personal shampoos and conditioners and soaps that I accumulate during my many motels stays and I had probably one and a half bathroom drawers full of them. So when her mother was getting ready to make up the gift bags my granddaughter told her don't worry I've got it taken care of Pawpaw is helping me(I had no knowledge of this conversation whatsoever). So her mother says go ahead and fix them then and to her horror when the gift bags were passed out they were stuffed full of the soaps shampoos and conditioners that I had collected from the road. Needless to say my daughter nearly died of embarrassment, and wanted to kill me until she found out I did not have anything to do with it and did not even know about it.

Edited September 30, 2021 by SHOOTER12

[luke duke 6453]

How about NO gift bag.  What about that notion?  Fuck that stupidity.

My wife went & bought a home cotton candy maker thing for Roxxette's birthday - think it was 10 years old (she's 16 now... fuck off on pics, pervs).
Guess what?  We still have it, wife won't sell it, the fucking thing just eats up real estate in the pantry.

Throw the machine in the trash. Tell your wife you lent it out to some guy that you hardly see. Put something useful in its place in the pantry. She’ll forget all about it.

[mulletpelini 5225]

or just have a complete stranger tell her she should get rid of it.

[NWBuck 8630]

9 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Looks like strawberry. She can throw it out for all I care.

 

[burns_312 356]

My experience was if you let the wife do her thing, people will actually show up and pay you some amount of money to take some of your trash off your hands before you take the rest to the dump. Mind bottling I know.

Perfect, glad it worked out for you. I’d rather (and did) pay my wife $500 than deal with a dumb MFer that offers $.75 for an item I have a $10 sticker on. Bail would be a hell of a lot more than $500.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[tbone_ 14460]

You’re missing the point. She dealt with the dumb motherfuckers. I watched football.

[956 Worldwide 35600]

COVID has been an awesome expectation reset for some shit. For my 7 year old this year we invited four little girls over and their vaxxed parents. Cake, pizza, and some cheap princess dress up kits. A couple games then go outside and run around, you can keep the princess tiaras and stuff kids. 

They had a great time and all the parents said it was like their 1980s birthday parties. I told them to go forth and be like our parents in the future, who had a lot of shit right. 

[Guadaloopy 11138]

So does anyone else’s wife believe that a box fairy lives in the garage?  You know… she’ll take all of the opened Amazon and Zulily boxes that are now stuffed with plastic packaging and styrofoam packing and haphazardly toss them in the garage until it starts to resemble the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And then something special happens - a magical creature comes in the night and separates the trash from the recyclables and breaks down the boxes and puts everything in the proper receptacles before trash day. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

Of course. Now I put them in her car and she gets furious. It amuses me though.

[HornOnTheBayou 9067]

8 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

So does anyone else’s wife believe that a box fairy lives in the garage?  You know… she’ll take all of the opened Amazon and Zulily boxes that are now stuffed with plastic packaging and styrofoam packing and haphazardly toss them in the garage until it starts to resemble the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And then something special happens - a magical creature comes in the night and separates the trash from the recyclables and breaks down the boxes and puts everything in the proper receptacles before trash day. 

I see you've been in my garage.

7 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Of course. Now I put them in her car and she gets furious. It amuses me though.

I would do that, but there's no room in her car. The trunk is filled with bags of old crap that she "is going to take to Goodwill at lunch tomorrow". Apparently my wife must be working insane hours because she hasn't had a lunch in four months.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8985]

So does anyone else’s wife believe that a box fairy lives in the garage?  You know… she’ll take all of the opened Amazon and Zulily boxes that are now stuffed with plastic packaging and styrofoam packing and haphazardly toss them in the garage until it starts to resemble the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And then something special happens - a magical creature comes in the night and separates the trash from the recyclables and breaks down the boxes and puts everything in the proper receptacles before trash day. 

Usually 2-3 times a month.

[OrangEngr 1035]

11 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

So does anyone else’s wife believe that a box fairy lives in the garage?  You know… she’ll take all of the opened Amazon and Zulily boxes that are now stuffed with plastic packaging and styrofoam packing and haphazardly toss them in the garage until it starts to resemble the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And then something special happens - a magical creature comes in the night and separates the trash from the recyclables and breaks down the boxes and puts everything in the proper receptacles before trash day. 

Your’s make it to the garage? Lucky.

[Jameslaw121 4498]

3 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

 

I would do that, but there's no room in her car. The trunk is filled with bags of old crap that she "is going to take to Goodwill at lunch tomorrow". Apparently my wife must be working insane hours because she hasn't had a lunch in four months.

Holy shit - accurate.

[Jameslaw121 4498]

My wife lost her stick of deodorant last Sunday. 

Wednesday night, I was making myself a nice BLT, went to get some hot sauce out of the fridge. Deodorant was in the fridge behind the Franks Hot Sauce........

[Fudbelty 2810]

My wife lost her stick of deodorant last Sunday. 
Wednesday night, I was making myself a nice BLT, went to get some hot sauce out of the fridge. Deodorant was in the fridge behind the Franks Hot Sauce........

She puts that shit on everything

[ROFL BOX 6655]

1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife lost her stick of deodorant last Sunday. 

Wednesday night, I was making myself a nice BLT, went to get some hot sauce out of the fridge. Deodorant was in the fridge behind the Franks Hot Sauce........

Does she also have the beans?  Is she hiding that behind the Franks?

[NWBuck 8630]

12 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife lost her stick of deodorant last Sunday. 

Wednesday night, I was making myself a nice BLT, went to get some hot sauce out of the fridge. Deodorant was in the fridge behind the Franks Hot Sauce........

May explain why her pits smell like ranch dressing 

[NorthLoop 14507]

On 10/1/2021 at 10:52 PM, Guadaloopy said:

So does anyone else’s wife believe that a box fairy lives in the garage?  You know… she’ll take all of the opened Amazon and Zulily boxes that are now stuffed with plastic packaging and styrofoam packing and haphazardly toss them in the garage until it starts to resemble the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And then something special happens - a magical creature comes in the night and separates the trash from the recyclables and breaks down the boxes and puts everything in the proper receptacles before trash day. 

I like to turn this into "OK on Sunday I'm gonna clean out the garage because you can't even walk in there and I'm pretty sure spiders and rats are starting to colonize" ... I then spend half my Sunday watching football in the garage while half-ass breaking down amazon boxes. She doesn't dare check on me because she knows it's her mess I'm cleaning up. 

[DDD Dad 14661]

I like to turn this into "OK on Sunday I'm gonna clean out the garage because you can't even walk in there and I'm pretty sure spiders and rats are starting to colonize" ... I then spend half my Sunday watching football in the garage while half-ass breaking down amazon boxes. She doesn't dare check on me because she knows it's her mess I'm cleaning up. 

Isn’t there a “drinking beer alone in the garage” thread somewhere?

[Incredulity 11880]

Neighbor down the street snapped and drug the gigantic collection of Amazon boxes from his garage into the driveway and set it on fire.  Pile of ashes remained on the driveway for about a month.  Talk of the neighborhood since.

[Anastasis 23724]

I know that feel. 

[conVINCEd 21477]

2 hours ago, Incredulity said:

Neighbor down the street snapped and drug the gigantic collection of Amazon boxes from his garage into the driveway and set it on fire.  Pile of ashes remained on the driveway for about a month.  Talk of the neighborhood since.

That guy fucks.

[Thatguy 9435]

2 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

That guy fucks.

Not anymore he doesn't

[Dennis Taylor 19372]

6 hours ago, Incredulity said:

Neighbor down the street snapped and drug the gigantic collection of Amazon boxes from his garage into the driveway and set it on fire.  Pile of ashes remained on the driveway for about a month.  Talk of the neighborhood since.

Next time he won't bother dragging them outside first 

[After irth 1246]

11 hours ago, Incredulity said:

Neighbor down the street snapped and drug the gigantic collection of Amazon boxes from his garage into the driveway and set it on fire.  Pile of ashes remained on the driveway for about a month.  Talk of the neighborhood since.

Would love to see the Nextdoor posts on THAT shit. 

[After irth 1246]

On 10/2/2021 at 10:43 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife lost her stick of deodorant last Sunday. 

Wednesday night, I was making myself a nice BLT, went to get some hot sauce out of the fridge. Deodorant was in the fridge behind the Franks Hot Sauce........

This is exactly why this thread exists right here. I cannot even imagine what I would say to this…

[tbone_ 14460]

I used to find the exes cell in the fridge from time to time.

[Scooter Monzingo 821]

On 10/1/2021 at 11:52 PM, Guadaloopy said:

So does anyone else’s wife believe that a box fairy lives in the garage?  You know… she’ll take all of the opened Amazon and Zulily boxes that are now stuffed with plastic packaging and styrofoam packing and haphazardly toss them in the garage until it starts to resemble the warehouse at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And then something special happens - a magical creature comes in the night and separates the trash from the recyclables and breaks down the boxes and puts everything in the proper receptacles before trash day. 

Sorry man, but It turned out just like she planned. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

I’m the one that usually cooks. When I go to the grocery store, I typically know what we have and buy whatever is needed to make complete meals for the week (I rarely buy junk food). My wife will just walk through the store and buy whatever looks good to her at the time so it’s a lot of random stuff and junk food. She can bring a carload of groceries home and it’s a challenge to figure out what kind of meals she wants me to make.

A few weeks ago she decided to go on a diet plan. Like any husband that wants to stay in a calm marriage, I told her I supported her 100%. It’s basically high protein, low carbs and 6 meals a day (and it’s MLM). Someone she actually knows lost 100 lbs and with the way it’s set up, she’ll probably do well (it’s very detailed on what she can eat and she’s really sticking to it).

So the day before she started, she spent 3 hours at the store getting all the food she can eat on this plan. She bought probably a months worth of perishables (half of which have already gone to the chickens) and my favorite part is she bought frozen cauliflower rice with veggies. Checked her plan, can’t have corn, so she picked it all out before she cooked it. After she cooked it, she realized it was a cauliflower and rice side dish instead of cauliflowered rice….. chickens got fed again.

She boasted yesterday about how much money net she has saved by not ordering lunch at work. It doesn’t come close to how much she has spent on the plan.

So she’s still going strong with the diet, down 22lbs. She’s been reducing the MLM stuff she buys since a lot of it you can find elsewhere cheaper…

So this year she’s the volleyball booster president at daughters high school. Previous management did it for 8 years or so and didn’t really let anyone inside the operation (mostly because there were shananigans from what I saw looking at the books), so she’s been learning as she goes and doing a pretty good job.

Needless to say, tons of deliveries to the house and all the empty boxes end up in the garage (nothing new about that). One of the first deliveries was shoes for the girls, I told her she needed to open them up and make sure they were what she ordered. Good thing, they were completely wrong. I told her she’ll need to do this with every delivery going forward because shit happens and after the shoes, she agreed. Fast forward to last night when she started going through stuff for the dig pink game tonight.

Guess who has to run around town today to find stuff that she ordered and shows as delivered a few weeks ago…….

[MNLonghornFUKM 8985]

Haha. You simp

[BHMCruiser 1828]

On 10/2/2021 at 7:04 AM, HornOnTheBayou said:

 

 Apparently my wife must be working insane hours because she hasn't had a lunch in four months.

she's been too busy fuckin'

[Trey3216 15452]

21 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

That guy fucks his hand only.   

FIFY  

[Jameslaw121 4498]

8 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

So she’s still going strong with the diet, down 22lbs. She’s been reducing the MLM stuff she buys since a lot of it you can find elsewhere cheaper…

So this year she’s the volleyball booster president at daughters high school. Previous management did it for 8 years or so and didn’t really let anyone inside the operation (mostly because there were shananigans from what I saw looking at the books), so she’s been learning as she goes and doing a pretty good job.

Needless to say, tons of deliveries to the house and all the empty boxes end up in the garage (nothing new about that). One of the first deliveries was shoes for the girls, I told her she needed to open them up and make sure they were what she ordered. Good thing, they were completely wrong. I told her she’ll need to do this with every delivery going forward because shit happens and after the shoes, she agreed. Fast forward to last night when she started going through stuff for the dig pink game tonight.

Guess who has to run around town today to find stuff that she ordered and shows as delivered a few weeks ago…….

One of the good things about covid. I do all the grocery shopping now. I do most of the meal planning and about half of the cooking, depending on my work schedule. My wife orders the non perishable stuff on Targets drive up. Every Sunday, I leave the house at 10:45 - stop by a local bar for two drinks, then Market street for the groceries, Target Pick up, fill up her car with gas. Almost have it timed perfectly for me to be back home right when kick off happens. 

She's happy because everything is done and she isn't driving on empty. I'm happy because I got my drinks and am free to relax for the rest of the day. 

[Brew 3050]

Wife and kids are at Disneyland, I’m at the beach with the dog. She did a virtual queue this morning for Spider Man and it had a 360 minute wait. Park opens at 8. She had lunch reservations at 2. She couldn’t figure out why the ride notice came in around the same time as her lunch reservation. Her text was, “The park opened at 8, isn’t 360 minutes 4 hours?” I just shook my head. I don’t think the 2 private school educated daughters could figure it out either.

[luke duke 6453]

I used to find the exes cell in the fridge from time to time.

Where did you put the rest of her body?

[mulletpelini 5225]

 

On 10/3/2021 at 1:47 PM, Thatguy said:

Not anymore he doesn't

He's married he hasn't fucked in a long time.

[nnm 37981]

As has been mentioned in some other threads, we recently moved full time to our lake house in ETX. The configuration of the laundry room meant that the front-loading dryer door opened the wrong way (outlets and drain for washer/dryer were opposite of previous house). 
 

Last night I fixed the situation by reversing the hardware on the dryer door. It was a pretty simple procedure. 
 

The only complication was that I had Mrs. NNM hold the dryer door while I unscrewed it (the door) from the dryer, to make sure it didn’t fall. When I pulled the last screw out (of the door), the expectation was that the door would remain suspended in place, held up by my trusty assistant.

Nope. *Slip* went the door.  Right onto my toes. Fortunately, they were enough of a shock absorber that the glass didn’t shatter. Unfortunately, I was wearing flip-flops. The door was probably about 8 pounds of glass and steel. Dropped from a height of 10 inches onto one’s toes, that has a profound impact on one’s well being. 
 

A few choice words were loosed from my lips as I expressed my displeasure with the situation and with my toes’ discomfort.  
 

Her response?  “It was heavy!”  
 

Yes, I know that. That is why I enlisted help. 

[ROFL BOX 6655]

7 minutes ago, nnm said:

Her response?  “It was heavy!”  

 

Me:  "Yes, I know that.  My broken toes told me so."

 

[tbone_ 14460]

As has been mentioned in some other threads, we recently moved full time to our lake house in ETX. The configuration of the laundry room meant that the front-loading dryer door opened the wrong way (outlets and drain for washer/dryer were opposite of previous house). 
 
Last night I fixed the situation by reversing the hardware on the dryer door. It was a pretty simple procedure. 
 
The only complication was that I had Mrs. NNM hold the dryer door while I unscrewed it (the door) from the dryer, to make sure it didn’t fall. When I pulled the last screw out (of the door), the expectation was that the door would remain suspended in place, held up by my trusty assistant.
Nope. *Slip* went the door.  Right onto my toes. Fortunately, they were enough of a shock absorber that the glass didn’t shatter. Unfortunately, I was wearing flip-flops. The door was probably about 8 pounds of glass and steel. Dropped from a height of 10 inches onto one’s toes, that has a profound impact on one’s well being. 
 
A few choice words were loosed from my lips as I expressed my displeasure with the situation and with my toes’ discomfort.  
 
Her response?  “It was heavy!”  
 
Yes, I know that. That is why I enlisted help. 

Please don’t try to tell us you didn’t expect this.

Sorry about your walking boot though.

[Ojo Rojo 2058]

On 10/4/2021 at 4:35 PM, Brew said:

Wife and kids are at Disneyland, I’m at the beach with the dog. She did a virtual queue this morning for Spider Man and it had a 360 minute wait. Park opens at 8. She had lunch reservations at 2. She couldn’t figure out why the ride notice came in around the same time as her lunch reservation. Her text was, “The park opened at 8, isn’t 360 minutes 4 hours?” I just shook my head. I don’t think the 2 private school educated daughters could figure it out either.

And this, my friends, is why I will never step foot in Disneyland/world/whateverthefuck.

[ROFL BOX 6655]

Tell the truth... informal survey here.

On a 1 - 10 (of course 10 means very much / 1 = don't give a shit), what's your level of interest in the China pattern that the wimmenz selected for your wedding?

Me, a 5.  I guess it only rates that # because all I care about is that it's not hideous.  I mean, shit - it's not like we even use that crap even 1x every 6 months.

[Brew 3050]

1, definitely a 1 unless the scale goes negative and then I would like to revise my answer.

[Brew 3050]

4 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

And this, my friends, is why I will never step foot in Disneyland/world/whateverthefuck.

Hence the reason I am at the beach with the dog. Did my service, not going back any more. Plus, the dog rates above the kids to my wife, so it wasn’t even a hard sell to keep him while they went.

[Jameslaw121 4498]

2 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Tell the truth... informal survey here.

On a 1 - 10 (of course 10 means very much / 1 = don't give a shit), what's your level of interest in the China pattern that the wimmenz selected for your wedding?

Me, a 5.  I guess it only rates that # because all I care about is that it's not hideous.  I mean, shit - it's not like we even use that crap even 1x every 6 months.

My now wife and I discussing wedding stuff. 

Me :We will have alcohol and I will choose the music. Everything completely up to you, your mom and whoever else you want to ask. We will have alcohol and I will choose the music. Otherwise I don't care

Her: What colors do you-

me :WE WILL ALCOHOL AND I WILL CHOOSE THE MUSIC. END OF DISCUSSION

[tbone_ 14460]

My now wife and I discussing wedding stuff. 
Me :We will have alcohol and I will choose the music. Everything completely up to you, your mom and whoever else you want to ask. We will have alcohol and I will choose the music. Otherwise I don't care
Her: What colors do you-
me :WE WILL ALCOHOL AND I WILL CHOOSE THE MUSIC. END OF DISCUSSION

Nice try but you’re going to have to have an opinion and you know it.

[Jerry Callo 8968]

2 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Tell the truth... informal survey here.

On a 1 - 10 (of course 10 means very much / 1 = don't give a shit), what's your level of interest in the China pattern that the wimmenz selected for your wedding?

Me, a 5.  I guess it only rates that # because all I care about is that it's not hideous.  I mean, shit - it's not like we even use that crap even 1x every 6 months.

Mine is lovely, if I remember correctly.  Haven't seen it in 25 years and its never been out of the boxes.

[Trey3216 15452]

4 hours ago, nnm said:

As has been mentioned in some other threads, we recently moved full time to our lake house in ETX. The configuration of the laundry room meant that the front-loading dryer door opened the wrong way (outlets and drain for washer/dryer were opposite of previous house). 
 

Last night I fixed the situation by reversing the hardware on the dryer door. It was a pretty simple procedure. 
 

The only complication was that I had Mrs. NNM hold the dryer door while I unscrewed it (the door) from the dryer, to make sure it didn’t fall. When I pulled the last screw out (of the door), the expectation was that the door would remain suspended in place, held up by my trusty assistant.

Nope. *Slip* went the door.  Right onto my toes. Fortunately, they were enough of a shock absorber that the glass didn’t shatter. Unfortunately, I was wearing flip-flops. The door was probably about 8 pounds of glass and steel. Dropped from a height of 10 inches onto one’s toes, that has a profound impact on one’s well being. 
 

A few choice words were loosed from my lips as I expressed my displeasure with the situation and with my toes’ discomfort.  
 

Her response?  “It was heavy!”  
 

Yes, I know that. That is why I enlisted help. 

If you weren't married, I'd tell you to tell her how heavy your dick is gonna feel in her hand the next few days.  But alas...  

[Jameslaw121 4498]

44 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Nice try but you’re going to have to have an opinion and you know it.

Actually I managed to stay pretty well clear of it. I think the only things she made me do is decide the grooms cake and what the groomsmen and I were wearing after she narrowed it down post bridesmaid shopping.

In fairness though, we also bought and moved into a house about a week before we got married, so I was dealing with most of that anyway

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by Jameslaw121

[Kennythetiger 9648]

5 hours ago, nnm said:

As has been mentioned in some other threads, we recently moved full time to our lake house in ETX. The configuration of the laundry room meant that the front-loading dryer door opened the wrong way (outlets and drain for washer/dryer were opposite of previous house). 
 

Last night I fixed the situation by reversing the hardware on the dryer door. It was a pretty simple procedure. 
 

The only complication was that I had Mrs. NNM hold the dryer door while I unscrewed it (the door) from the dryer, to make sure it didn’t fall. When I pulled the last screw out (of the door), the expectation was that the door would remain suspended in place, held up by my trusty assistant.

Nope. *Slip* went the door.  Right onto my toes. Fortunately, they were enough of a shock absorber that the glass didn’t shatter. Unfortunately, I was wearing flip-flops. The door was probably about 8 pounds of glass and steel. Dropped from a height of 10 inches onto one’s toes, that has a profound impact on one’s well being. 
 

A few choice words were loosed from my lips as I expressed my displeasure with the situation and with my toes’ discomfort.  
 

Her response?  “It was heavy!”  
 

Yes, I know that. That is why I enlisted help. 

I +repped you just for the extra care of clarifying exactly what was getting screwed.