Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[TKthunder2 4,985]

Package from wife’s work came in the mail with a branded soft cooler.

me - that’s looks like an odd shape

wife - yeah it’s like a circular prism

me - you mean a cone?

wife - no, a circular prism

/walks over and looks, it’s was a cylinder

[PhillyD 1,257]

53 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said:

Package from wife’s work came in the mail with a branded soft cooler.

me - that’s looks like an odd shape

wife - yeah it’s like a circular prism

me - you mean a cone?

wife - no, a circular prism

/walks over and looks, it’s was a cylinder

Kaleidoscope was the word she was looking for.  She was close to speaking in  Trixie and I've learned to translate.

[nnm 36,352]

2 minutes ago, PhillyD said:

Kaleidoscope was the word she was looking for.  She was close to speaking in  Trixie and I've learned to translate.

Kaleidoscope is a witch of a word to spell. I recently did a deal with a company called kaleidoscope, and if it weren’t for autocorrect I would never spell that word correctly. 

[Pato del Muerto 52,486]

1 hour ago, TKthunder2 said:

Package from wife’s work came in the mail with a branded soft cooler.

me - that’s looks like an odd shape

wife - yeah it’s like a circular prism

me - you mean a cone?

wife - no, a circular prism

/walks over and looks, it’s was a cylinder

Is it one of those that loads cans like a shotgun tube that you wear like a bandalero?

[TKthunder2 4,985]

Is it one of those that loads cans like a shotgun tube that you wear like a bandalero?

[mininghorn88 2,277]

My now ex and I used to live in a neighborhood that was very popular with trick-or-treaters. People from around the community would come in droves to have their kids, all dressed up in costumes, come for the treats. My ex tells me to hand out extra candy to the neighborhood kids.

Me: What did you just say?

ex: give the neighborhood kids more candy.

me: And just how am I to know which ones are the neighborhood kids? The have mask and costumes on.

ex: no words, just the look and tone.

[Flg8rfan 201]

Opened the under-sink cabinet (you know where all the cleaning crap ends up) to find two dirty dog food bowls.

Asked her about it and apparently when we had people over last week, the dishwasher was full so she didn’t know where to put them.

[AUS-97HORN 11,757]

12 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Opened the under-sink cabinet (you know where all the cleaning crap ends up) to find two dirty dog food bowls.

Asked her about it and apparently when we had people over last week, the dishwasher was full so she didn’t know where to put them.

ok, i will be the asshole.....   

have you not fed your dog for more than a week?

[Thatguy 8,682]

On 10/21/2021 at 6:18 AM, deadshank said:

Opening cans of paint is hard. 

  That looks like anger management therapy

[Thatguy 8,682]

17 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Opened the under-sink cabinet (you know where all the cleaning crap ends up) to find two dirty dog food bowls.

Asked her about it and apparently when we had people over last week, the dishwasher was full so she didn’t know where to put them.

  Something our 13 year old daughter would do.

4 minutes ago, AUS-97HORN said:

ok, i will be the asshole.....   

have you not fed your dog for more than a week?

  We have multiple rotations of animal bowls.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,875]

2 hours ago, Thatguy said:

We have multiple rotations of animal bowls.

That’s just inviting dirty dog bowls to accumulate 

[ABSR 5,308]

3 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

ok, i will be the asshole.....   

have you not fed your dog for more than a week?

If he hasn’t fed his dogs for more than a week, I think he is the asshole. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

  We have multiple rotations of animal bowls.

Same here

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,868]

20 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

Same here

Thirded, but our dog is old and only has a few teeth left so he gets soft food which requires washing a bowl twice a day.

[Johnny Sack 8,397]

On 10/23/2021 at 9:49 PM, mininghorn88 said:

My now ex and I used to live in a neighborhood that was very popular with trick-or-treaters. People from around the community would come in droves to have their kids, all dressed up in costumes, come for the treats. My ex tells me to hand out extra candy to the neighborhood kids.

Me: What did you just say?

ex: give the neighborhood kids more candy.

me: And just how am I to know which ones are the neighborhood kids? The have mask and costumes on.

ex: no words, just the look and tone.

We know most of the kids in our neighborhood.  And many I can tell who they are despite a costume.  Others with masks we know from talking to them. I don't discriminate in candy distribution though.  I am happy for any kid who is trick or treating regardless of where they live.

[Pig Bellmont 8,712]

On 10/11/2021 at 10:44 AM, blacklab said:

Update on stair color:

Wife admitted since I spend more time on the first floor than anyone else since my office is there that she should listen to me when picking the color and she painted it yesterday to match the first floor. 

I'm really confused and don't know what to think about this. 

You’re going to be murdered in your sleep

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

On the dog bowl situation. I was sweeping the other day noticed that we have two water bowls and two food bowls for the dogs in the kitchen. We have three dogs. I would fully understand if we had either 3 water bows and 3 food bowls. Or one of each. But I honest to god have been wondering about the math for like a week now. 

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

3 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

On the dog bowl situation. I was sweeping the other day noticed that we have two water bowls and two food bowls for the dogs in the kitchen. We have three dogs. I would fully understand if we had either 3 water bows and 3 food bowls. Or one of each. But I honest to god have been wondering about the math for like a week now. 

Maybe she's trying to kill off one of the dogs but they've outsmarted her

[Jerry Callo 8,699]

19 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

On the dog bowl situation. I was sweeping the other day noticed that we have two water bowls and two food bowls for the dogs in the kitchen. We have three dogs. I would fully understand if we had either 3 water bows and 3 food bowls. Or one of each. But I honest to god have been wondering about the math for like a week now. 

Ask the question . . . and report back.

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

49 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Ask the question . . . and report back.

I finally caved last night. And it turns out she's right and this made absolute logical sense. Turns out, after I leave, Wife(who works from home) puts the dogs and one set of bowls outside until they start whining. Then in for half an hour, then back outside. This way she can have one set inside and one outside. Then she brings the bowls in at night so that racoons or rats don't find them (we back up to like this wooded alley thing).

Me : Wow. That makes perfect sense.

Her : Then better damn well put that on your fucking football forum, too

[Trey3216 15,345]

24 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I finally caved last night. And it turns out she's right and this made absolute logical sense. Turns out, after I leave, Wife(who works from home) puts the dogs and one set of bowls outside until they start whining. Then in for half an hour, then back outside. This way she can have one set inside and one outside. Then she brings the bowls in at night so that racoons or rats don't find them (we back up to like this wooded alley thing).

Me : Wow. That makes perfect sense.

Her : Then better damn well put that on your fucking football forum, too

The type of shame   

[TrashMaster G 17,547]

24 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I finally caved last night. And it turns out she's right and this made absolute logical sense. Turns out, after I leave, Wife(who works from home) puts the dogs and one set of bowls outside until they start whining. Then in for half an hour, then back outside. This way she can have one set inside and one outside. Then she brings the bowls in at night so that racoons or rats don't find them (we back up to like this wooded alley thing).

Me : Wow. That makes perfect sense.

Her : Then better damn well put that on your fucking football forum, too

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

47 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I finally caved last night. And it turns out she's right and this made absolute logical sense. Turns out, after I leave, Wife(who works from home) puts the dogs and one set of bowls outside until they start whining. Then in for half an hour, then back outside. This way she can have one set inside and one outside. Then she brings the bowls in at night so that racoons or rats don't find them (we back up to like this wooded alley thing).

Me : Wow. That makes perfect sense.

Her : Then better damn well put that on your fucking football forum, too

well she sounds awesome

[RamjetFDO 10,575]

15 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

well she sounds awesome

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

7 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I finally caved last night. And it turns out she's right and this made absolute logical sense. Turns out, after I leave, Wife(who works from home) puts the dogs and one set of bowls outside until they start whining. Then in for half an hour, then back outside. This way she can have one set inside and one outside. Then she brings the bowls in at night so that racoons or rats don't find them (we back up to like this wooded alley thing).

Me : Wow. That makes perfect sense.

Her : Then better damn well put that on your fucking football forum, too

This is a terrible resolution 

[Sam Lin 3,551]

On 10/25/2021 at 3:53 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

 But I honest to god have been wondering about the math for like a week now. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

I finally caved last night. And it turns out she's right and this made absolute logical sense. Turns out, after I leave, Wife(who works from home) puts the dogs and one set of bowls outside until they start whining. Then in for half an hour, then back outside. This way she can have one set inside and one outside. Then she brings the bowls in at night so that racoons or rats don't find them (we back up to like this wooded alley thing).
Me : Wow. That makes perfect sense.
Her : Then better damn well put that on your fucking football forum, too

Well. She doesn’t have to be a potty mouth to us

[William_Cannon 86]

What is it with wives and cars?
- She’s currently ruining a set of Michelins because she doesn’t see the big ass Costco sticker telling her when to rotate the tires.
- she’s all sorts of pissed she needs to go in person to renew her registration because the renewal notice sat for over year on her desk.
- she hauls around a bunch of crap and then complains there’s no room. She borrowed a stapler from a friend and carried it around for 2 fucking years in the truck because she was going to return it.
- I detailed the interior and she just get annoyed that she can’t use it for 2 hours. I also returned said stapler. Not a single thank you.
- there’s a big ass gash on the right fender of her car and doesn’t know how it happened.

Next time I’ll just buy her a beater car, save tens of thousands of dollars, use that money to buy a bunch of crap to fill her car, sight my new scope on one of her fenders, and arrive at the same fucking state.

[tx ind 7,008]

Sorry but 1&2 are on you.  Gotta handle the registration/inspection and rotating the tires yourself.

Edited October 29, 2021 by tx ind

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

Unbeknownst my wife, I threw away a premier protein tonight that’s sat in the back of the fridge since November of last year while she was gone. The expiration date said February 22. This last 5 months every time I tried to clear the fridge after a grocery run, I’d ask I can throw it. Of course it’s a stern no…until tonight. See if she even notices it gone

[ztejas 43,411]

1 hour ago, William_Cannon said:

What is it with wives and cars?
- She’s currently ruining a set of Michelins because she doesn’t see the big ass Costco sticker telling her when to rotate the tires.
- she’s all sorts of pissed she needs to go in person to renew her registration because the renewal notice sat for over year on her desk.
- she hauls around a bunch of crap and then complains there’s no room. She borrowed a stapler from a friend and carried it around for 2 fucking years in the truck because she was going to return it.
- I detailed the interior and she just get annoyed that she can’t use it for 2 hours. I also returned said stapler. Not a single thank you.
- there’s a big ass gash on the right fender of her car and doesn’t know how it happened.

Next time I’ll just buy her a beater car, save tens of thousands of dollars, use that money to buy a bunch of crap to fill her car, sight my new scope on one of her fenders, and arrive at the same fucking state.

Should've married a lesbian.

[Kwix 2,186]

26 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Unbeknownst my wife, I threw away a premier protein tonight that’s sat in the back of the fridge since November of last year while she was gone. The expiration date said February 22. This last 5 months every time I tried to clear the fridge after a grocery run, I’d ask I can throw it. Of course it’s a stern no…until tonight. See if she even notices it gone

The trick is to never ask. 99% of the time she won't notice. 1% of the time "what protein?" 

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

2 hours ago, ztejas said:

Should've married a lesbian.

But what if he doesn't like the Subaru brand?

[nnm 36,352]

Mrs. NNM said I needed to look under her car, that there was something scraping. She said she ran over a small stick in our driveway.  We’re out in the country in ETX, have about 100 pine trees in the front yard and about a 75 yard driveway through those trees, so there were a LOT of sticks blown down in the wind over the last couple of days. 
 

I got down there, and was able to get the skid plate off. Her story, and she’s sticking to it, is that it was only a “small stick” she ran over. 
 

I think I need to go look for bodies on the side of the road on the highway ….

[tbone_ 14,112]

Wtf is that?

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

3 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Wtf is that?

Cover plate. May or may not be from her car.

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

Annnndddd... were back

Wife's sisters birthday. Their family wants to have dinner (this all occurred Thursday morning) around 6:30. Now, we normally put the 2 year old to bed around 7. So, I tell her to go without me and I would watch the kids and get her to bed and stuff. She agrees. We're on the phone talking about logistics, when I'll get home, if she's making dinner for us, does the baby need a bath, ect...

Me (driving): Ok - I need to get off the phone about to be on a highway. Text me if anything changes.

Her : Wait - what are we doing for dinner?

Me : You mean Friday? Probably order a pizza (which we do pretty much every Friday)

Her : No tonight.

Me : I'll make myself something after the baby goes to bed. 

Her : We have left over grilled chicken, maybe a salad.

Me : WTF are you talking about?

Her : Dinner

Me : You're having dinner with your family. That was the whole point of this phone call

Her : tone

Edited October 29, 2021 by Jameslaw121

[After irth 1,243]

23 hours ago, tx ind said:

Sorry but 1&2 are on you.  Gotta handle the registration/inspection and rotating the tires yourself.

Yeah, but that stapler, though…

[Incredulity 11,654]

23 hours ago, ztejas said:

Should've married a lesbian.

Why does he want a Subaru?

Edited October 30, 2021 by Incredulity
Tip of cap to ROFLBOX

[Nolacycling 893]

At the swim meet.

Hi, I'm Cyclettes father and I noticed your team shirt. Is there a booster club or team info site I can join?

Your wife: Coach usually sends a form.  But I  don't know what happened this year.

How would he send it to me?

Email

How would he get my email?

Did you go to the parents info meeting?

No.

Well, I  guess he doesn't have your email.

 

 

[Kennythetiger 9,376]

Sounds like you should have gone to the meeting. 

[Nolacycling 893]

I plead ignorance.  They didn't have my email to tell me 

[ztejas 43,411]

On 10/29/2021 at 1:33 AM, ROFL BOX said:

But what if he doesn't like the Subaru brand?

 

On 10/29/2021 at 10:10 PM, Incredulity said:

Why does he want a Subaru?

I caught this late but you both get rep. Don't spend it all in one place. 

[NorthLoop 14,183]

19 hours ago, Nolacycling said:

At the swim meet.

Hi, I'm Cyclettes father and I noticed your team shirt. Is there a booster club or team info site I can join?

Your wife: Coach usually sends a form.  But I  don't know what happened this year.

How would he send it to me?

Email

How would he get my email?

Did you go to the parents info meeting?

No.

Well, I  guess he doesn't have your email.

 

 

I mean... she kinda punked you dude. 

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

13 hours ago, Nolacycling said:

I plead ignorance.  They didn't have my email to tell me 

because you didn't go to the meeting

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,875]

and you don't have any excuse for not going to the meeting since they emailed out the invites

[Wade 464]

Have gotten woefully out of shape that past few years.  For years, used to belong to a Fitness 19 about a mile from the house: very simple, very cheap, cardio, weights, machines, that's it, not even a shower.  Perfect.  Asked my wife to get me a membership for my birthday.  She comes back with a quote for a $430 annual fee.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, WTF!  I check online.  There's the basic option that I want: no enrollment fee, $13/month.  I call them today and confirm that there a no bullshit strings attached.  Will come in tomorrow with a check.

Tonight wife comes home with signed Premier annual membership for $350 (I guess she negotiated them down?)  Good news is I can work out at any Fitness 19 in the US.  Awesome

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

I hope she gets the extended warranty. 

[deadshank 24,652]

4 hours ago, Wade said:

Have gotten woefully out of shape that past few years.  For years, used to belong to a Fitness 19 about a mile from the house: very simple, very cheap, cardio, weights, machines, that's it, not even a shower.  Perfect.  Asked my wife to get me a membership for my birthday.  She comes back with a quote for a $430 annual fee.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, WTF!  I check online.  There's the basic option that I want: no enrollment fee, $13/month.  I call them today and confirm that there a no bullshit strings attached.  Will come in tomorrow with a check.

Tonight wife comes home with signed Premier annual membership for $350 (I guess she negotiated them down?)  Good news is I can work out at any Fitness 19 in the US.  Awesome

Face it.  One of the PTS is banging her.  

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

On 10/29/2021 at 3:52 PM, nnm said:

Mrs. NNM said I needed to look under her car, that there was something scraping. She said she ran over a small stick in our driveway.  We’re out in the country in ETX, have about 100 pine trees in the front yard and about a 75 yard driveway through those trees, so there were a LOT of sticks blown down in the wind over the last couple of days. 
 

I got down there, and was able to get the skid plate off. Her story, and she’s sticking to it, is that it was only a “small stick” she ran over. 
 

I think I need to go look for bodies on the side of the road on the highway ….

Hol shit that's great! Reminds me of one awhile back that said she ran over a 'traffic cone' (narrator- it was a construction barrel)