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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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Clintonaldo

Clintonaldo 2562

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Posted

Wife refuses to work anywhere in the house but the living room even though she has a dedicated office and then gets annoyed when 10 month old crawls to her. Just today he knocked her ear buds off couch into toy basket and now she can’t find them. I think I am going to change the oil and sharpen the blades on the lawnmower tonight in the bedroom to see if she gets the idea. 

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3698

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That’s hard to believe
Sadly.....no. She is from Omaha and the only thing that happens there is three CWS and Warren Buffett's big shindig. That is the extent of her sports knowledge, outside the fact that ou sucks.

And, to her credit, when she started to repeat it, she said, "oh.....never mind"
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Fudbelty

Fudbelty 2784

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Sadly.....no. She is from Omaha and the only thing that happens there is three CWS and Warren Buffett's big shindig. That is the extent of her sports knowledge, outside the fact that ou sucks.

And, to her credit, when she started to repeat it, she said, "oh.....never mind"

Three? Shit, I’ve only known about one.
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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17323

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 11/2/2021 at 3:31 AM, Wade said:

Have gotten woefully out of shape that past few years.  For years, used to belong to a Fitness 19 about a mile from the house: very simple, very cheap, cardio, weights, machines, that's it, not even a shower.  Perfect.  Asked my wife to get me a membership for my birthday.  She comes back with a quote for a $430 annual fee.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, WTF!  I check online.  There's the basic option that I want: no enrollment fee, $13/month.  I call them today and confirm that there a no bullshit strings attached.  Will come in tomorrow with a check.

Tonight wife comes home with signed Premier annual membership for $350 (I guess she negotiated them down?)  Good news is I can work out at any Fitness 19 in the US.  Awesome

She's only trying to support you, you insensitive bastard.

 

 

13 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Her:. Why aren't they playing this college world series in Omaha?
Me- College plays baseball in the spring. This is the pros.
Her:. So where do they play the college world series for the pros?

Try this: "You're so cute when you try to talk sports!  Now, go make me a sammich" Last line is accompanied by a slap on the butt.

Edited by TrashMaster G
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luke duke

luke duke 6363

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Hol shit that's great! Reminds me of one awhile back that said she ran over a 'traffic cone' (narrator- it was a construction barrel)

That was my wife.

I was in a meeting and my wife started blowing up my phone. I stepped out of the meeting and called her.

Wife - I ran over a cone and now it’s dragging under the car and everyone is staring at me.
Me - Drive up on a curb and pull it out.
Wife - Ok

I step back in the meeting and remember that she was driving my truck. I was trying to figure out how it was possible to get a cone stuck under a truck with a 4” lift when I got the following text message and picture:

05991ba3f58774bf2dcfcb88e85aa335.png


091c90f24694f987e24728a47632d9d5.jpg
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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18628

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Posted
44 minutes ago, luke duke said:


That was my wife.

I was in a meeting and my wife started blowing up my phone. I stepped out of the meeting and called her.

Wife - I ran over a cone and now it’s dragging under the car and everyone is staring at me.
Me - Drive up on a curb and pull it out.
Wife - Ok

I step back in the meeting and remember that she was driving my truck. I was trying to figure out how it was possible to get a cone stuck under a truck with a 4” lift when I got the following text message and picture:

05991ba3f58774bf2dcfcb88e85aa335.png


091c90f24694f987e24728a47632d9d5.jpg

 

1205722189_download(1).jpeg.5217f1c863445e31e28d92f15ab3e9c9.jpeg

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6642

Posted
Posted

This post was either gonna go here or the "Adventures in Parking" thread...

& Here we are.
.
Saw this idiot somehow get twisted around & going the wrong way under the J.B. porte cochere.

The outside lane is for a $tarbuck$ drive through & their lobby was closed (apparently under staffed).

The SUV lady was honking & pissed because she apparently couldn't get through the line of waiting cars.a5393953cbc01460b87a9fc46f81f8da.jpg3d5779f5c3e6600ac9e7c7504811c38a.jpg

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6642

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, Llogg said:

 I don't get it. Is she wrong that the Starbucks fiends should let her through to exit the parking lot?

She is wrong because she's acting like it's the stopped vehicle's fault that she went the wrong way through the covered parking lane.  J.B. Cleaners is one way, [down] in the pic.

 

She should have exited in the bottom & gone through the gap just like all the signage tells you.  Instead, she drives the wrong way up to already lined up vehicles & acts a fool.

image.thumb.png.18bbd9f47f47dc87f385c0b95fdf52e3.png

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nnm

nnm 35828

Posted
Posted
9 minutes ago, luke duke said:

If you have to find a satellite image, mark it up in MS Paint and write a 5 paragraph explanation, then your post belongs in the “Stupid Shit That ROFLBOX Did” thread.

And they was usin' up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin' 
Around the Police Officer Station. They was takin' plaster tire tracks, 
Footprints, dog-smellin' prints and they took twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored 
Glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of 
Each one explainin' what each one was, to be used as evidence against us
Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the 
Southwest corner
And that's not to mention the aerial photography!
. . . . .

You can get anything you want

at Alice's restaurant.

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Chris Dishman's Donut

Chris Dishman's Donut 192

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Posted
23 hours ago, nnm said:

And they was usin' up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin' 
Around the Police Officer Station. They was takin' plaster tire tracks, 
Footprints, dog-smellin' prints and they took twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored 
Glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of 
Each one explainin' what each one was, to be used as evidence against us
Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the 
Southwest corner
And that's not to mention the aerial photography!
. . . . .

You can get anything you want

at Alice's restaurant.

Excepting Alice

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1846

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Posted

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2244

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Posted
15 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

We call it male pattern deafness. When I'm focused or doing something, I don't start listening until after she gets the first sentence out. When I say "what?" I get tone and attitude. I'm trying to train her to say my name and wait until I acknowledge before finishing whatever she has to say. I've been working on her for 38 years and I haven't made any progress though. I think I'm going to do like her father did to her mother and feign deafness. She would bark at him and he would completely ignore her. After a while she would just gripe about him needing hearing aids.

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0xdeadbeef

0xdeadbeef 1617

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3 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

We call it male pattern deafness. When I'm focused or doing something, I don't start listening until after she gets the first sentence out. When I say "what?" I get tone and attitude. I'm trying to train her to say my name and wait until I acknowledge before finishing whatever she has to say. I've been working on her for 38 years and I haven't made any progress though. I think I'm going to do like her father did to her mother and feign deafness. She would bark at him and he would completely ignore her. After a while she would just gripe about him needing hearing aids.

Careful what you wish for:

 

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wd40

wd40 1976

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Posted
34 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

he talked for 45 minutes, and nobody understood a word that he said,

but we had fun fillin' out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench, there...

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NAVY

NAVY 6735

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Posted
2 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

I hear ya man. I’ll ask a yes or no question and get sprayed with 5 minutes of verbal diarrhea. I just go to a happy place in my mind until it’s over 

 

 

F9691BDD-2E19-4D13-8C69-89237C4B0009.gif

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6642

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

It took me less time to make that parking lot pic (both via my phone for the 1st pic & MS Paint for the edit) than to read your screed.

Summary:  My wife says all sorts of shit that I ignore.

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hundredTT

hundredTT 576

Posted
Posted (edited)
13 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

I don’t see how you miserable bastards do it. I’ve tried and tired. On the flip side; I will die alone and miserable. But on my fucking terms at least. 

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1846

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

It took me less time to make that parking lot pic (both via my phone for the 1st pic & MS Paint for the edit) than to read your screed.

Summary:  My wife says all sorts of shit that I ignore.

So very sorry.  Here's the ROFL BOX's Notes version:  "My wife talks too much.  The end."

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4440

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Posted (edited)

Having dinner tonight. Wife calls to tell me something

Me : Can we talk about this at dinner. I'm kinda busy.

Her : Oh yeah. Of course. 

Wife then proceeds with basically this : t kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

Edited by Jameslaw121
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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17323

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife complains that I don't listen to her anymore, which is true.  But it's not my fault.  I used to listen to her; every word.  What has happened in the intervening 12 1/2 years is that I have slowly been trained by the fact that about 80% of what she says is irrelevant filler.  For example, if I ask her, what's the agenda for this weekend. She could tell  me that kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that is all.  Instead, I hear about her new hairdresser (hair appointment on Friday, not the weekend and during a time that doesn't affect me), something about her car, something about her mom, something about our health insurance and a bunch of other shit I just completely tuned out.  It took her at least 10 minutes tell get it all out.  When she was finished I asked her, "So, just to confirm, kid 1 and kid 2 have a playdate on Saturday from 10-2, kid 2 has a birthday party from 3-4:30 and on Sunday kid 3 has birthday party from 2-3:30 and that's it, right?"  Her:  "Yes, that's right." Tone.

Try this:  "Stop!  Now, say the last thing first."

It will be quite the little timesaver.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9311

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Try this:  "Stop!  Now, say the last thing first."

It will be quite the little timesaver.

Don’t do this. One of these assholes recommend this several years ago. And I was gentler than that. “Just a second, dear. Could you just tell me the last part first, please?”  
Also not recommended:

”Well, to make a long story short.”

”Nope- we’re way past that point.”  

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17323

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Don’t do this. One of these assholes recommend this several years ago. And I was gentler than that. “Just a second, dear. Could you just tell me the last part first, please?”  
Also not recommended:

”Well, to make a long story short.”

”Nope- we’re way past that point.”  

You are no fun.

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Redneck Mutha

Redneck Mutha 7876

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Crapinon said:

We call it male pattern deafness. When I'm focused or doing something, I don't start listening until after she gets the first sentence out. When I say "what?" I get tone and attitude. I'm trying to train her to say my name and wait until I acknowledge before finishing whatever she has to say. I've been working on her for 38 years and I haven't made any progress though. I think I'm going to do like her father did to her mother and feign deafness. She would bark at him and he would completely ignore her. After a while she would just gripe about him needing hearing aids.

My wife is getting better at this.  I think it's helped that we work from home together.  Sometimes I would start talking to her about something while she's got her attention on whatever she's working on and she'd make me repeat what I said.  So now we're more cognizant of trying to make sure we have eye contact or some sort of acknowledgement that the other is ready for the real conversation to start.  

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nnm

nnm 35828

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Guadaloopy said:

This morning my wife tried to tell me something WHILE SHE WAS BLOW DRYING HER HAIR.    But of course my hearing sucks.  

Yeah, gotta love the talking to you while she's walking away, to the most remote part of the house.  My usual response is, "wait a minute, I'm putting down what I'm doing so I can come hear you."  That always goes over well, which is why I keep using it.  

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

Posted
Posted
Wife in the passenger seat: you’re driving too fast, it’s scary

Also my wife in the passenger seat: here watch this funny cat video
Sounds like my wife when I'm driving:

Her: Stop looking at your phone. You're driving.

Also her:

Me: Her can you look up what time the restaurant closes?

Her: You've got a phone. Why can't you look it up?
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