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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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huge

huge 3785

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Just catching up.  Regarding saving Trixie from embarrassment... very early in the relationship I was with the GF now wife and she answered her phone with 

"this is her"

My face must have looked like I had just been kicked in the balls by a farting donkey.  Afterwards she asked me what that was about and I said "this is she" is the way to say that.  If you say it the way you just did anyone with any sense is going to think you are an idiot.

I said it in a nice way and said I just wanted her to look her best to any and everyone.  And she changed it that day.

 

Probably the last time she actually listened to me and took life lesson advice.

But hey, we will always have Paris.

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DigglerontheHoof

DigglerontheHoof 20925

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, Sandman said:

We went out to do some birthday/christmas shopping for the kids, my wife wanted to look for some new shoes for herself while we're out, no big deal. First, she has really big feet, women's 11-12, so she always has problems finding shoes that fit. She sees this pair and while trying to cram her foot into it, she hurts her toe. 

Her: "OW! These just don't fit, that really hurt!"

Me: "Cool, let's move on then"

Her: "I want to try this other one first"

Me: ....

Her: "These don't work either. Let me try the first ones again"

Me: "The ones that hurt? Why would you try those again?"

Her: "They might work this time. OW! No, they don't fit."

Me: WTF

Rob Schneider GIF

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Kwix

Kwix 2186

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, huge said:

Just catching up.  Regarding saving Trixie from embarrassment... very early in the relationship I was with the GF now wife and she answered her phone with 

"this is her"

My face must have looked like I had just been kicked in the balls by a farting donkey.  Afterwards she asked me what that was about and I said "this is she" is the way to say that.  If you say it the way you just did anyone with any sense is going to think you are an idiot.

I said it in a nice way and said I just wanted her to look her best to any and everyone.  And she changed it that day.

 

Probably the last time she actually listened to me and took life lesson advice.

But hey, we will always have Paris.

I think the key here is your relationship status when she actually took your advice. 

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

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Rookie.

Driving back home from New Mexico recently, she's surfing on her phone I'm listening to sports talk radio

.....blah blah blah NBA Basketball blah blah blah Sacramento Kings blah blah blah.......

Out of the corner of my eye I see her head move up away from her phone, I can tell she's gonna ask me a question.

and here we go

H: "Sacramental Kings sure seems like an odd name for a basketball team doesn't it?"

M: "You're absolutely right."

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ztejas

ztejas 43004

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Rookie.

Driving back home from New Mexico recently, she's surfing on her phone I'm listening to sports talk radio

.....blah blah blah NBA Basketball blah blah blah Sacramento Kings blah blah blah.......

Out of the corner of my eye I see her head move up away from her phone, I can tell she's gonna ask me a question.

and here we go

H: "Sacramental Kings sure seems like an odd name for a basketball team doesn't it?"

M: "You're absolutely right."

In her defense - it's easy to forget that Sacramento exists. 

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17323

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On 11/16/2021 at 12:19 PM, huge said:

Just catching up.  Regarding saving Trixie from embarrassment... very early in the relationship I was with the GF now wife and she answered her phone with 

"this is her"

My face must have looked like I had just been kicked in the balls by a farting donkey.  Afterwards she asked me what that was about and I said "this is she" is the way to say that.  If you say it the way you just did anyone with any sense is going to think you are an idiot.

I said it in a nice way and said I just wanted her to look her best to any and everyone.  And she changed it that day.

 

Probably the last time she actually listened to me and took life lesson advice.

But hey, we will always have Paris.

Wtf???

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drt

drt 637

Posted
Posted

Apologies for longcat, but this is actually a condensed version.

 

Wife ran out of gas on the way to take the kids to daycare.  Less than 2 blocks away.  She also drives an older Prius.  I was on a work call already so didn't see her text, so she marches the kids home, grabs my keys, and drives the kids over.  By this time I'm off the call, so instead of her taking an Uber into the office downtown I offer to drive her.  She pulls in the driveway and was super confused when I walked to the driver's side, gas can in hand.  

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Driving you to the office.  Changing drivers is a pain in the ass downtown.  Where am I headed towards?"

Wife: "Oh, head towards Mopac."

Me (thinking): "No shit, from southwest Austin to get to downtown I should go up Mopac..."

Me: "What cross streets is the office on?"

Wife: "Take the 5th street exit."

Me: "Well, at least you didn't get very far and could walk home.  Sorry I didn't see your text.  How'd you run out of gas?"

Wife: "Oh, the gas gauge hasn't been working for a while, it never reads more than 2 out of 8 bars.  So normally I get 360 miles to the tank, but I was only at 320 today before the screen flashed *PROBLEM* and the check engine light came on, and the engine stopped.  Also, the low tire light is still on.  I've never run out of gas before."

Me (thinking): "Sweet.  That would have been good to know prior to this happening.  Hope the battery didn't get run down to the point of being toast.  Don't tell her she probably could have driven home.  Battery will get toasted next time."

Me: "Ok, I'll get some gas in it and get it home, I don't have any more calls this morning.  I just filled up the tires last weekend so I'll make sure there isn't a leak."

Wife: "Oh, turn here, turn here!"

Me: "I thought you said take 5th?"

Wife: "No, the other one....to the right."

Me: "Cesar Chavez?"

Wife: "Yes, that one.  Sorry, that's why I wanted to you to get over one lane."

Me: "What cross streets is your office at, again?"

Wife: "8th and Congress.  No, don't turn here!!!" (as I make a left on Lavaca).

Me: "Oh, I thought I'd skip that traffic at the Congress light and head up to 7th.  Shouldn't be any line to turn left on Congress up there.  What corner is your office on?"

Wife: "I never go this way."

Me: "What corner is your office on?"

Wife: "Northeast."

Me: "What time is your last call?  Did you want me to try and pick you up before I get the kids, or are you going to Uber home?" 

*At this point I pulled over at the northeast corner of 8th and Congress*

Wife: "It's not over til 4:30, so I'll Uber.  (She looks up from her phone) This isn't my office, it's over there (points at southwest corner of 9th).  Oh well, I can walk I guess."

 

I had a very relaxing drive home listening to a podcast.  I then was able to put 10 gallons of gas into what is normally an 8 gallon fill-up.  Cleared the check engine light, took the car for a test drive, battery looked like it was at about 80% prior to the test drive so should be OK there.  Checked the tires, all were right where I filled the to the other weekend.  Tried resetting the monitoring system, problem light still flashes on key on for 1 min prior to light staying on.  Google it, says it needs further diagnosis by a tech, usually a sensor.

via text:

Me: "Hey, car is fine.  I got it fueled up and home.  Tire pressure was ok.  There is probably a bad sensor, that happens sometimes when tires get rotated or the sensor battery gets old."

Wife: "Told you I need a new car."

Me: "You need a new car because a $3 sensor went bad?"

 

Amazingly I didn't hear any further response.  

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ztejas

ztejas 43004

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10 minutes ago, drt said:

Me: "I thought you said take 5th?"

Wife: "No, the other one....to the right."

Me: "Cesar Chavez?"

Wife: "Yes, that one.  Sorry, that's why I wanted to you to get over one lane."

Me: "What cross streets is your office at, again?"

Wife: "8th and Congress.  No, don't turn here!!!" (as I make a left on Lavaca).

Saying the correct exit then correcting it to the wrong one is gold. 

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ztejas

ztejas 43004

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Posted
3 minutes ago, justhookit said:

Part of that’s on you. There is no way I’m driving a female anywhere and letting her give directions as we drive. Tell me where your destination is or my car isn’t moving.

This is true. If I was married, at least. If it's a girl I'm still trying to close on I might play along because it isn't really about the destination. 

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drt

drt 637

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4 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I've never heard of a woman that uses cardinal directions. You sure she ain't a dude?

At this point she knows if I ask that question I expect an answer in terms of N, S, E, W.  Which is why she dodged the question first time, because she actually had no clue.

And point taken about known destination.  But I wasn't the person that was going to be late to a meeting due to shitty directions.

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SuperSport

SuperSport 1328

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So we're sitting on the couch last night, compiling our Christmas gift shopping list for extended family..she becomes noticeably frustrated about something, so I glance over at her laptop and see a bunch of Frozen-related images on a Google search. There are zero young girls in either of our families, so at this point I have no idea what she's actually looking for.

Her: Ugh, what's the name of that record player I bought you? Sven and Olaf Something?

Me: [smirking] Bang & Olufsen.

Her: Don't laugh, I was close!

Me: Yeah, it was a good guess...I'll Let it Go.

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21468

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26 minutes ago, SuperSport said:

So we're sitting on the couch last night, compiling our Christmas gift shopping list for extended family..she becomes noticeably frustrated about something, so I glance over at her laptop and see a bunch of Frozen-related images on a Google search. There are zero young girls in either of our families, so at this point I have no idea what she's actually looking for.

Her: Ugh, what's the name of that record player I bought you? Sven and Olaf Something?

Me: [smirking] Bang & Olufsen.

Her: Don't laugh, I was close!

Me: Yeah, it was a good guess...I'll Let it Go.

Surprised you didn’t end up with a pool table.

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nnm

nnm 35837

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, drt said:

Apologies for longcat, but this is actually a condensed version.

 

Wife ran out of gas on the way to take the kids to daycare.  Less than 2 blocks away.  She also drives an older Prius.  I was on a work call already so didn't see her text, so she marches the kids home, grabs my keys, and drives the kids over.  By this time I'm off the call, so instead of her taking an Uber into the office downtown I offer to drive her.  She pulls in the driveway and was super confused when I walked to the driver's side, gas can in hand.  

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Driving you to the office.  Changing drivers is a pain in the ass downtown.  Where am I headed towards?"

Wife: "Oh, head towards Mopac."

Me (thinking): "No shit, from southwest Austin to get to downtown I should go up Mopac..."

Me: "What cross streets is the office on?"

Wife: "Take the 5th street exit."

Me: "Well, at least you didn't get very far and could walk home.  Sorry I didn't see your text.  How'd you run out of gas?"

Wife: "Oh, the gas gauge hasn't been working for a while, it never reads more than 2 out of 8 bars.  So normally I get 360 miles to the tank, but I was only at 320 today before the screen flashed *PROBLEM* and the check engine light came on, and the engine stopped.  Also, the low tire light is still on.  I've never run out of gas before."

Me (thinking): "Sweet.  That would have been good to know prior to this happening.  Hope the battery didn't get run down to the point of being toast.  Don't tell her she probably could have driven home.  Battery will get toasted next time."

Me: "Ok, I'll get some gas in it and get it home, I don't have any more calls this morning.  I just filled up the tires last weekend so I'll make sure there isn't a leak."

Wife: "Oh, turn here, turn here!"

Me: "I thought you said take 5th?"

Wife: "No, the other one....to the right."

Me: "Cesar Chavez?"

Wife: "Yes, that one.  Sorry, that's why I wanted to you to get over one lane."

Me: "What cross streets is your office at, again?"

Wife: "8th and Congress.  No, don't turn here!!!" (as I make a left on Lavaca).

Me: "Oh, I thought I'd skip that traffic at the Congress light and head up to 7th.  Shouldn't be any line to turn left on Congress up there.  What corner is your office on?"

Wife: "I never go this way."

Me: "What corner is your office on?"

Wife: "Northeast."

Me: "What time is your last call?  Did you want me to try and pick you up before I get the kids, or are you going to Uber home?" 

*At this point I pulled over at the northeast corner of 8th and Congress*

Wife: "It's not over til 4:30, so I'll Uber.  (She looks up from her phone) This isn't my office, it's over there (points at southwest corner of 9th).  Oh well, I can walk I guess."

 

I had a very relaxing drive home listening to a podcast.  I then was able to put 10 gallons of gas into what is normally an 8 gallon fill-up.  Cleared the check engine light, took the car for a test drive, battery looked like it was at about 80% prior to the test drive so should be OK there.  Checked the tires, all were right where I filled the to the other weekend.  Tried resetting the monitoring system, problem light still flashes on key on for 1 min prior to light staying on.  Google it, says it needs further diagnosis by a tech, usually a sensor.

via text:

Me: "Hey, car is fine.  I got it fueled up and home.  Tire pressure was ok.  There is probably a bad sensor, that happens sometimes when tires get rotated or the sensor battery gets old."

Wife: "Told you I need a new car."

Me: "You need a new car because a $3 sensor went bad?"

 

Amazingly I didn't hear any further response.  

Twice in the 30 years we’ve been married, Mrs. NNM has mentioned that she thinks she needs new tires, and within a week, she’s the owner of a new car. It’s made sense both times. 

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drt

drt 637

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Anwar Namtut said:

Drt doesn’t know where his wife works?

They used to office at 15th and Guad. They moved office buildings a month or two ago and she’s obviously really good with directions, addresses, and transportation in general. 

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nnm

nnm 35837

Posted
Posted

I like to read. A lot. After dinner and cleanup, Mrs. NNM would rather watch tv.

Sometimes she’ll sit beside me as I read instead of going into the family room to turn on the tv. That’s nice—a little camaraderie is a good thing. However, when that happens, it’s impossible to read. I’ll get three sentences in, she’ll comment about such-and-such, and of course needs affirmation about her comment. I’ll calmly set my book and reading glasses down, and engage in the conversation she wants. As a good husband does. 

I’ll wait until there’s a nice long pause, then re-open my book and put my glasses back on. I’ll go back over the same 3 sentences to figure out where I was. Then she comments about this-and-that. I’ll calmly set my book and reading glasses down, and engage in the conversation she wants. As a good husband does.

Rinse and repeat. 

BTW, I don’t read much fiction. But “The Power Of The Dog,” by Thomas Savage, is fantastic. A gritty western tale in the vein of Steinbeck or Cormac McCarthy. At least it seems like it is—I get only a few sentences in at a time. 

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HornOnTheBayou

HornOnTheBayou 8864

Posted
Posted
On 11/19/2021 at 1:05 PM, drt said:

Apologies for longcat, but this is actually a condensed version.

 

Wife ran out of gas on the way to take the kids to daycare.  Less than 2 blocks away.  She also drives an older Prius.  I was on a work call already so didn't see her text, so she marches the kids home, grabs my keys, and drives the kids over.  By this time I'm off the call, so instead of her taking an Uber into the office downtown I offer to drive her.  She pulls in the driveway and was super confused when I walked to the driver's side, gas can in hand.  

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Driving you to the office.  Changing drivers is a pain in the ass downtown.  Where am I headed towards?"

Wife: "Oh, head towards Mopac."

Me (thinking): "No shit, from southwest Austin to get to downtown I should go up Mopac..."

Me: "What cross streets is the office on?"

Wife: "Take the 5th street exit."

Me: "Well, at least you didn't get very far and could walk home.  Sorry I didn't see your text.  How'd you run out of gas?"

Wife: "Oh, the gas gauge hasn't been working for a while, it never reads more than 2 out of 8 bars.  So normally I get 360 miles to the tank, but I was only at 320 today before the screen flashed *PROBLEM* and the check engine light came on, and the engine stopped.  Also, the low tire light is still on.  I've never run out of gas before."

Me (thinking): "Sweet.  That would have been good to know prior to this happening.  Hope the battery didn't get run down to the point of being toast.  Don't tell her she probably could have driven home.  Battery will get toasted next time."

Me: "Ok, I'll get some gas in it and get it home, I don't have any more calls this morning.  I just filled up the tires last weekend so I'll make sure there isn't a leak."

Wife: "Oh, turn here, turn here!"

Me: "I thought you said take 5th?"

Wife: "No, the other one....to the right."

Me: "Cesar Chavez?"

Wife: "Yes, that one.  Sorry, that's why I wanted to you to get over one lane."

Me: "What cross streets is your office at, again?"

Wife: "8th and Congress.  No, don't turn here!!!" (as I make a left on Lavaca).

Me: "Oh, I thought I'd skip that traffic at the Congress light and head up to 7th.  Shouldn't be any line to turn left on Congress up there.  What corner is your office on?"

Wife: "I never go this way."

Me: "What corner is your office on?"

Wife: "Northeast."

Me: "What time is your last call?  Did you want me to try and pick you up before I get the kids, or are you going to Uber home?" 

*At this point I pulled over at the northeast corner of 8th and Congress*

Wife: "It's not over til 4:30, so I'll Uber.  (She looks up from her phone) This isn't my office, it's over there (points at southwest corner of 9th).  Oh well, I can walk I guess."

 

I had a very relaxing drive home listening to a podcast.  I then was able to put 10 gallons of gas into what is normally an 8 gallon fill-up.  Cleared the check engine light, took the car for a test drive, battery looked like it was at about 80% prior to the test drive so should be OK there.  Checked the tires, all were right where I filled the to the other weekend.  Tried resetting the monitoring system, problem light still flashes on key on for 1 min prior to light staying on.  Google it, says it needs further diagnosis by a tech, usually a sensor.

via text:

Me: "Hey, car is fine.  I got it fueled up and home.  Tire pressure was ok.  There is probably a bad sensor, that happens sometimes when tires get rotated or the sensor battery gets old."

Wife: "Told you I need a new car."

Me: "You need a new car because a $3 sensor went bad?"

 

Amazingly I didn't hear any further response.  

Bad directions? One small thing went wrong with a very expensive piece of equipment means we need a brand new one? Sorry, I didn't realize you were the one that gave my wife's twin sister a ride to work this week. Thanks for your help. All of your drinks are on me at the next happy hour.

Unless you're the guy that's been sleeping with my wife! In which case, thanks! I saw her texts about a broken down car, but I'm glad you gave her a ride so I could sleep in.

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0xdeadbeef

0xdeadbeef 1617

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Posted
On 11/20/2021 at 4:41 PM, NAVY said:

Wife was trying to spin this god awful Texas football season.

”At least we’ll get higher draft picks.” 
 

 

 

37670455-FB7F-4BE0-AE3E-01C663ACB96B.gif

A few days ago, I was talking football with my 12 year old son and he jokes "Maybe Texas is just tanking to get Arch Manning"

Wife, in a completely serious voice: "Huh, that might turn out to be worth it then."

My son looks at me with a "tell me mom isn't that clueless" look.

Me: "So, what's for dinner"

 

 

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4440

Posted
Posted
On 11/19/2021 at 2:48 PM, SuperSport said:

So we're sitting on the couch last night, compiling our Christmas gift shopping list for extended family..she becomes noticeably frustrated about something, so I glance over at her laptop and see a bunch of Frozen-related images on a Google search. There are zero young girls in either of our families, so at this point I have no idea what she's actually looking for.

Her: Ugh, what's the name of that record player I bought you? Sven and Olaf Something?

Me: [smirking] Bang & Olufsen.

Her: Don't laugh, I was close!

Me: Yeah, it was a good guess...I'll Let it Go.

Wait - how much are yall spending on extended family gift? Because if you're buying someone a Beogram 4002, I would like to join your extended family.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4440

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Posted
21 hours ago, nnm said:

I like to read. A lot. After dinner and cleanup, Mrs. NNM would rather watch tv.

Sometimes she’ll sit beside me as I read instead of going into the family room to turn on the tv. That’s nice—a little camaraderie is a good thing. However, when that happens, it’s impossible to read. I’ll get three sentences in, she’ll comment about such-and-such, and of course needs affirmation about her comment. I’ll calmly set my book and reading glasses down, and engage in the conversation she wants. As a good husband does. 

I’ll wait until there’s a nice long pause, then re-open my book and put my glasses back on. I’ll go back over the same 3 sentences to figure out where I was. Then she comments about this-and-that. I’ll calmly set my book and reading glasses down, and engage in the conversation she wants. As a good husband does.

Rinse and repeat. 

BTW, I don’t read much fiction. But “The Power Of The Dog,” by Thomas Savage, is fantastic. A gritty western tale in the vein of Steinbeck or Cormac McCarthy. At least it seems like it is—I get only a few sentences in at a time. 

We have an open layout (Kitchen, dinning, LR). I put ear buds in and now I sit at the kitchen island instead of the living room because of this...

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1851

Posted
Posted

We're hosting Thanksgiving this year so we've been doing a lot of menu planning and whatnot.  It's been a collaborative effort.  My wife wants to get two kinds of rolls - one kind that can be bought at a grocery store and then rolls from Hartz chicken.  She thinks they are the bomb.  They are good, I admit it, but I didn't think they were good enough to warrant a special trip.  I didn't say anything though.  Fast forward to this morning:

Wife: "I decided not to get the Hartz rolls after all."

Ojo:  (laughing) "Okay, good.  It was a dumb idea anyway." (bold move, Cotton, I know)

Wife: "It wasn't dumb, it just wasn't..."

Ojo:  "Smart?" (laughing)

Wife:  (getting pissed) "It wasn't a dumb idea; I just decided against it, okay?"

Ojo: "The rolls themselves were not a dumb idea. Making a special trip for a second type of roll in light of all of the other shit we are doing is what I thought was dumb."

Wife:  "I don't know why this is even a discussion."

Ojo:  "I agree."

Fin.

Now wife will be pissed off at me for two weeks.  I was trying to be funny.

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1851

Posted
Posted
22 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

I wish I had a nickel for every half finished thought that comes out this woman’s mouth.

“The problem is that I can’t…”

“Hey are we going to…”

I finally learned to just ignore it.

Same.  Why do they do that?  I think it's a hedge.  If they never commit to a statement they maintain plausible deniability and keep us confused.

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huge

huge 3785

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Same.  Why do they do that?  I think it's a hedge.  If they never commit to a statement they maintain plausible deniability and keep us confused.

When that happens I look over and she is looking at her phone.  I just leave the room.  It used to irritate the shit out of me but now I'm just bemused.  It's a way better feel.

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