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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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rage-a-holic

rage-a-holic 4257

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1 hour ago, After irth said:

I had a buddy that had hundreds of these. I would go over to his apt for movie nights in his apt. It seemed badass in the early to mid-90s, but now it makes me wonder what kind of resolution and sound we had back then. 

What was so incredibly badass then seems quite quaint now. 

About 2X the picture quality of VHS, and also supported digital audio/multiple audio tracks.

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 104197

Posted
Posted
buncha nerds consumer electronics snobs up in here.
--------
wife came home to make meatballs and spaghetti.  ever the great project starter, I get to finish it up, including the plating.
here you are, dear
Spoiler

image.thumb.jpeg.638ee68c4cee1f31eac267b131a08eb1.jpeg

 


I mean….at least you thoroughly sauced your disembodied dick, so….good move?
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After irth

After irth 1242

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4 hours ago, rage-a-holic said:

About 2X the picture quality of VHS, and also supported digital audio/multiple audio tracks.

So…480 resolution?  And the hot shit audio at the time was Dolby Pro-Logic. Hell, I still have a 1994 JVC Pro-Logic receiver that currently powers my awesome 4.1 sound in my Game Room. Old-school, baby!

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Celery Man

Celery Man 20820

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I should try that, would definitely work. This is the same wife who did this stuff

-

9360FFF3-810A-4C6B-9692-C7F57DD9C3D7.thumb.jpeg.1eef57e095fee11868ee6c34540def97.jpeg828A0A9E-186F-44E7-A084-E86F9DD50D32.thumb.jpeg.1e83a118d02f784834ed7af8e7c19bf6.jpeg

 

that’s a mural behind the dog. I said she could paint it if she painted over it when we sold the house, which she got out of by being pregnant. Did make me confirm with the realtor that a neutral color would be better than a Hogwarts mural, for the value.

 

i was worried when ordering the Dutch oven that she would get the package, which would weigh 30 pounds or whatever, and she would figure out what it is. But she’s thinking spatulas.

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 104197

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Right now, sitting with the wife and one of her childhood friends in a cafe in Berlin. That we found after hunting for one that met their “cute breakfast cafe” vibe….for 45 minutes. Could we start the day at the cafe in her friends hotel, which was right in front of us? Nope. It wasn’t cute. Could we start at the Christmas market, where I could get a brat and beer for breakfast? Nope. Had to be a cute breakfast cafe.

So I’m listening to them yammer, while I have a coffee and croissant. Because I ain’t taking up brat and beer space on goddamn muesli and shit.

Oh, and our son took her friend’s 17 yr old son out with his crew last night, and got him puke drunk. His mom is annoyed. At least my wife is amused by that, as I am.

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8641

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1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:


I was supposed to have a brat and beer for breakfast. I had to wait. That is bad.

"Meeting for coffee with childhood friend" = you get time to explore on your own.  If you didn't anticipate that it would go exactly like your describing, that's on you.  If it were me, my wife would have found me 4 hours later dancing around like Clark on European Vacation.

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ztejas

ztejas 43003

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On 12/11/2021 at 4:02 AM, Brisketexan said:

Oh, and our son took her friend’s 17 yr old son out with his crew last night, and got him puke drunk. His mom is annoyed. At least my wife is amused by that, as I am.

Tell his mom to get with ze cultue. Pretty sure at 17 you can rent a forklift and run for parliament in Germany.

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Modessit

Modessit 5582

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Wife knows my morning routine, including the last step - make a cup of coffee. I then kiss her goodbye and head out the door. And I often need to get moving, as I regularly schedule morning meetings and calls.

Well, two mornings this week, she waits till I head in to make my cup of coffee, and she heads to the john….to take a crap. I make my coffee….”hey, honey, I’m going to head out.” Irritated wife voice: “can you just wait for me a minute?” I wait…for more than a minute. She comes out, irked, to tel me goodbye for the day.

She knows damned well that when I hit the kitchen to make my cup of coffee, I am 90 seconds away from walking out the door. She could wait literally 90 seconds, and then hit the bathroom for as long as she wants. But nope. Gotta make me late for work.
She's training you.
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RamjetFDO

RamjetFDO 10553

Posted
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On 12/11/2021 at 7:37 AM, Jerry Callo said:

"Meeting for coffee with childhood friend" = you get time to explore on your own.  If you didn't anticipate that it would go exactly like your describing, that's on you.  If it were me, my wife would have found me 4 hours later dancing around like Clark on European Vacation.

ClarkDance.gif.d520574692724f63e0e570252b6f199d.gif

 

...but yeah, it would be a "catch y'all later" with maybe a "I'll be around this area" thrown in if I want to be found.

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Jackson P. Neighbors

Jackson P. Neighbors 136

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This ranks fairly low on the Dumbass scale I suppose, but last week I'm upstairs working on the computer and I hear her come in the garage after a Starbucks run. Shes milling around in the kitchen but I'm not paying attention. I hear the microwave start and then about 30 seconds later... BOOM. I could literally feel it in the floor. I hear "oh my god, what the fuck?" from downstairs. I sigh, get up and check it out. Get there and shes got the microwave door open staring into it repeating "what the FUCK?" I look inside and there is egg everywhere, like an egg grenade went off. Not just that but the glass carousel thing is wrecked into about a dozen pieces. Damn thing is, the bowl that she put the egg in was perfectly fine. 

"Did you microwave a cold boiled egg from Starbucks??" "Yes, what the FUCK? I wanted it warmed up." "We have a brand new carton of eggs in the fridge - what didn't you just BOIL ONE??" "You shouldn't be an asshole to me right now!! I'm pretty traumatized..." So I just walk off...

Now, it would never cross my mind to microwave a boiled egg, but I admit I didn't know it could be problematic. Upstairs, I googled it and about eleventy billion results pop up about how you should NEVER EVER EVER microwave a hardboiled egg. So there you have it, lesson learned. $45 + S&H for a new glass tray was nice. As is the faint exploded egg smell that lingers.

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wd40

wd40 1976

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3 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

You're in Germany, the proper response is to take a crap on both of their chests.

this is actually a more reasonable suggestion than you might think, considering he TWICE hung around for her to take a dump to then kiss her goodbye, on the last page of this thread.  it was framed as a complaint, but I'll bet there were some yada-yada-yas in there.  and now they're in Germany.  OOMPAH!

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Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8660

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Brisket wants so badly to be included on this thread that he’s complaining after years of marriage 1) he and his wife still kiss goodbye every morning on the way to work and 2) are vacationing in Germany with friends.
 

C’mon man - this thread is about exploding microwaves and thousands spent on a prototype for a disposable cup. 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8771

Posted
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5 hours ago, Jackson P. Neighbors said:

This ranks fairly low on the Dumbass scale I suppose, but last week I'm upstairs working on the computer and I hear her come in the garage after a Starbucks run. Shes milling around in the kitchen but I'm not paying attention. I hear the microwave start and then about 30 seconds later... BOOM. I could literally feel it in the floor. I hear "oh my god, what the fuck?" from downstairs. I sigh, get up and check it out. Get there and shes got the microwave door open staring into it repeating "what the FUCK?" I look inside and there is egg everywhere, like an egg grenade went off. Not just that but the glass carousel thing is wrecked into about a dozen pieces. Damn thing is, the bowl that she put the egg in was perfectly fine. 

"Did you microwave a cold boiled egg from Starbucks??" "Yes, what the FUCK? I wanted it warmed up." "We have a brand new carton of eggs in the fridge - what didn't you just BOIL ONE??" "You shouldn't be an asshole to me right now!! I'm pretty traumatized..." So I just walk off...

Now, it would never cross my mind to microwave a boiled egg, but I admit I didn't know it could be problematic. Upstairs, I googled it and about eleventy billion results pop up about how you should NEVER EVER EVER microwave a hardboiled egg. So there you have it, lesson learned. $45 + S&H for a new glass tray was nice. As is the faint exploded egg smell that lingers.

Lol, I had a similar situation a few years back. Mrs Shooter was boiling eggs either for potato salad or deviled eggs, I don't remember which. Anyway being a Saturday we were drinking, hanging out in the pool, going in and out of the house to check on things when apparently the alcohol intake had reached the dumbass stage.  We were sitting on the back porch when we heard, "bang", "boom", "boom", "bang".  

Turns out the eggs had boiled dry and exploded. Fortunately we both laughed our asses off and proceeded with the clean up.  I kept noticing something, something weird that just didn't fit the situation. I kept thinking... do I smell BBQ?  I asked Mrs Shooter and she said "that's what I smell".  For some reason exploding boiled eggs left a BBQ smell, that lasted for days.

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TTU13

TTU13 108

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My wife has a habit of ruining nice things. I typically try and find her decent brand things that where if she loses, ruins, breaks, etc that the cost is minimal for a replacement.

We’re both “due” for new iPhones and iWatches. So we go to the Apple store to upgrade those and I say fuck it, I’ll get us new head phones too.

Keep in mind, previously I bought her some JBL ear buds that she kept in great shape for 2 years that I got dirt cheap on a prime day.

Got her the airpod pros.

First flight we get on two weeks later she knocks lose her airpod and it falls out on the flight. 2 minutes later pilot gets on the PA to say buckle up it’s going to be a bumpy flight.

She starts panicking and goes to grab her airpod and knocks it further into the seat. FA walks by and asks if everything is okay. I explain the situation. FA then asks to clear out our row and row behind us. We now have two rows of people standing in the aisle as the plane starts to descend for landing. FA is tearing apart the seat to find said airpod. Somehow the airpod gets lodged into the j-box where all the wiring in the seat is. FA tells us we can call maintenance when we land and they’ll come take the seat apart and then delay the flight to its final destination. We were getting off at the stop, but half the plane wasn’t.

I just tell the FA we’re good, I’ll just eat the cost and buy her a new set.

Apparently I was an asshole for cracking jokes and lightening the mood while several of us were standing in the aisle during a bumpy ride.

To add insult to injury, during my wife’s initial panic, she spilled the guy next to hers drink on him. She also spilled her drink on me at the centurion lounge at the airport prior to our flight. Oh, and she lost a chunk of change on craps at the casino that night. Fortunately, I had a good night at the tables and cancelled out her losses.

Yes, I’m an asshole because I bring up this story every time we hang out with a new group of friends since.

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TKthunder2

TKthunder2 4968

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Wife wife sets an alarm every weekday morning for 530 but snoozes it until 630 every morning.  I ask her why not just set it for 630.  

“Because sometimes I need to get up at 530 if I’m going to an important meeting an need to fix my hair and makeup nice.”

So why not just set an individual alarm for those days?

“Because I don’t always remember the night before”

So you wake us up daily, because you can’t remember to set an alarm once or twice a month…nevermind (I’ve gotten used to it and can sleep through it most days, so it’s not worth an argument).

Fast forward to this morning she’s running late freaking out asking me if I packs lunches and take the kids, (which I do without complaint) but I ask one little question about what happened to her fool proof alarm system…tone.

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