Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[ztejas 44286]

 

[Flg8rfan 201]

My wife likes to sleep in on the weekends, I’m totally down with it, she gets up super early during the week and it gives me quiet time to drink my coffee, etc.

Last Saturday we had people over to make Christmas cookies. It’s chaotic but lots of fun. 10 am she gets up and is huffing around trying to clean, get things ready, etc. I always enjoy reminding her that is she got up with me she wouldn’t be so pressed for time.

Any guesses as to how Christmas is going to go?

[ROFL BOX 6655]

19 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

There's this fancy thing called an IP phone 

Will it work more than 50 yard away from the house?

[ROFL BOX 6655]

1 hour ago, hayden_horn said:

my wife asked me if i could give "our amazon guy" something or other, i forget.

[Dennis Taylor 19385]

8 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

Will it work more than 50 yard away from the house?

It plugs in to a switch, so no. It won't work 5 feet away from her desk 

[nnm 38004]

36 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

My wife likes to sleep in on the weekends, I’m totally down with it, she gets up super early during the week and it gives me quiet time to drink my coffee, etc.

Last Saturday we had people over to make Christmas cookies. It’s chaotic but lots of fun. 10 am she gets up and is huffing around trying to clean, get things ready, etc. I always enjoy reminding her that is she got up with me she wouldn’t be so pressed for time.

Any guesses as to how Christmas is going to go?

FAFO

[ROFL BOX 6655]

17 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

It plugs in to a switch, so no. It won't work 5 feet away from her desk 

Revised:  "All that to tell us your wife doesn't have a cell phone that will allow her to make calls while you're driving?"

[NotActuallyALonghorn 5005]

On 12/17/2021 at 6:36 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

There's a post in the hunting thread about a wife who managed to set a riding mower on fire.... reminded me of Mrs CL earlier this fall. 

She had decided that she no longer liked the plastic cattle troughs on our property and wanted to replace then with galvanized because they "look bad and are bad for the environment." 

OK, whatever, but I can't help until next weekend. This is not a pressing need and I'm booked up with other stuff. 

So she gets our farm truck and drives to Tractor Supply herself and gets two galvanized water troughs and then decides she'll go drop them off in the pasture before it gets dark. I warn her that's not a good idea so late in the day.

Three hours later, well after dark, she calls me to come get her. The truck is stuck in a ditch out in the pasture and she's really sorry.  She's crying and she's covered in mud and she lost a boot trying to walk through the mud to get back to her car and her phone. I tell her that I'll pull the truck out with the tractor the next morning when it gets light. Shouldn't be too difficult. She's still crying because she doesn't want me mad at her and she's really really sorry etc etc. I actually kind of feel sorry for her by the end. 

The next morning as we're heading back out there, we're talking and I offhandedly mention that it must be really stuck if she couldn't get it out with four wheel drive.

"It has four wheel drive?"

I'm starting to think I'm not going to need the tractor. 

Took me about 15 seconds to get It out. 

The second best part of this story is how she thinks the plastic feed troughs are bad for the environment, so she needs to toss them immediately and replace them with new metal ones.

[Grade of D as in David 13256]

11 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

The second best part of this story is how she thinks the plastic feed troughs are bad for the environment, so she needs to toss them immediately and replace them with new metal ones.

They are using the same part of their brain that calculates the savings of buying all the shit they didn't need just because it was on sale.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2780]

Well mine got us kicked out of a bar in Nashville over the weekend.

Long bathroom line for the women. no line for the men. She goes into the mens since she’s sloshed. Sheriff and 4 bouncers start escorting her to the door when she walks out. I see it and walk over. Sheriff says auto eject on stuff like that so I close out the tab and we head to the next bar.

Highlight of that story is that the mens bathroom had no stalls.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8985]

Well mine got us kicked out of a bar in Nashville over the weekend.

Long bathroom line for the women. no line for the men. She goes into the mens since she’s sloshed. Sheriff and 4 bouncers start escorting her to the door when she walks out. I see it and walk over. Sheriff says auto eject on stuff like that so I close out the tab and we head to the next bar.

Highlight of that story is that the mens bathroom had no stalls.

Thoughts and prayers to the men who were in the bathroom at that moment even tho Women do this at practically every bar/game/concert and not one guy cares.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 5005]

"Can you grab me the Confederate sugar?"

[Guest Lobo]

1 minute ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"Can you grab me the Confederate sugar?"

You mean, like Amway Sugar?  

[Cheeseweasel 26443]

18 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"Can you grab me the Confederate sugar?"

Took me a second. Wow.

[Biff Tannen 46204]

2 hours ago, Lobo said:

You mean, like Amway Sugar?  

That cologne you liked?

[ztejas 44286]

3 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Well mine got us kicked out of a bar in Nashville over the weekend.

Long bathroom line for the women. no line for the men. She goes into the mens since she’s sloshed. Sheriff and 4 bouncers start escorting her to the door when she walks out. I see it and walk over. Sheriff says auto eject on stuff like that so I close out the tab and we head to the next bar.

Highlight of that story is that the mens bathroom had no stalls.

Lol what? What is this - the 1950s? 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2780]

1 hour ago, ztejas said:

Lol what? What is this - the 1950s? 

Got me.  I can't imagine who would have told on her.  Nobody was even in the men's bathroom.

 

[TKthunder2 5060]

5 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Well mine got us kicked out of a bar in Nashville over the weekend.

Long bathroom line for the women. no line for the men. She goes into the mens since she’s sloshed. Sheriff and 4 bouncers start escorting her to the door when she walks out. I see it and walk over. Sheriff says auto eject on stuff like that so I close out the tab and we head to the next bar.

Highlight of that story is that the mens bathroom had no stalls.

Not understanding what the problem was, did she shit in the urinal?

[NWBuck 8630]

4 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"Can you grab me the Confederate sugar?"

otherwise known as "anything but brown sugar"

[MNLonghornFUKM 8985]

Not understanding what the problem was, did she shit in the urinal?

She shouldn’t told security her pronouns were he/him/his

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2780]

Not understanding what the problem was, did she shit in the urinal?

I’ll have to ask if she waffle stomped one.

[rage-a-holic 4745]

6 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Got me.  I can't imagine who would have told on her.  Nobody was even in the men's bathroom.

 

Probably a pissed off hall monitor Karen in the chick bathroom line

[AUS-97HORN 12058]

7 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Got me.  I can't imagine who would have told on her.  Nobody was even in the men's bathroom.

 

guaran fucking tee the snitch was a bitch cunt who was waiting in line and pissed she didnt think to run into the mens room

[Js1 87290]

13 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Highlight of that story is that the mens bathroom had no stalls.

[Superhero 9040]

Me: You should bring a jacket. It gets pretty cold after the sun got down.

Wife: But it’s so hot now, I don’t need a jacket.

3 hours later…

Wife: Oh my gosh, I was so cold sitting there watching (our son) during soccer practice. I should have brought a jacket. 

[Brisketexan 107033]

My wife is well-read, and well-educated (two different post-grad degrees), but there is one fucking word choice that she CANNOT get right, and she even argues scout it with me, insisting that her choice is the right one, or “either one works for this situation”: parameter vs perimeter.

For example, we checked out an old church in Germany last week. The inside was closed, but we could walk around the the outside. She says “let’s just walk the parameter.” I started to correct her….but after having had this argument 1,000 times over 25+ years, I just kept my mouth shut and walked the perimeter with her.

parameter noun
pa·​ram·​e·​ter | \ pə-ˈra-mə-tər \
Essential Meaning of parameter
: a rule or limit that controls what something is or how something should be done

perimeter noun
pe·​rim·​e·​ter | \ pə-ˈri-mə-tər \
Definition of perimeter
1a : the boundary of a closed plane figure
b : the length of a perimeter
2 : a line or strip bounding or protecting an area
3 : outer limits —often used in plural

Man….it so bugs me.

[shadow_operative2.0 16294]

Brisket, keep your dumbshit Germany shit in one thread. No one gives a fuck elsewhere.

[Crapinon 2392]

Why do women gets so pissed when you tell them they snore? My wife will lay on her side and snore directly into my left ear. I have to sleep with ear plugs and it still doesn't stop the noise. She takes meds to sleep and it's impossible to wake her up at night. I have to shake her to wake her enough to roll over. After about 3-4 nights of 5 hours or less sleep, I try to talk to her about it. When I mention she snores, she goes ballistic. Every damn time I mention it a fight ensues. 

[Js1 87290]

23 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

Why do women gets so pissed when you tell them they snore? My wife will lay on her side and snore directly into my left ear. I have to sleep with ear plugs and it still doesn't stop the noise. She takes meds to sleep and it's impossible to wake her up at night. I have to shake her to wake her enough to roll over. After about 3-4 nights of 5 hours or less sleep, I try to talk to her about it. When I mention she snores, she goes ballistic. Every damn time I mention it a fight ensues. 

Women don't snore or fart or shit or burp.  Duh, those are things that disgusting men do. 

[idigTexas 2332]

37 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

My wife is well-read, and well-educated (two different post-grad degrees), but there is one fucking word choice that she CANNOT get right, and she even argues scout it with me, insisting that her choice is the right one, or “either one works for this situation”: parameter vs perimeter.

For example, we checked out an old church in Germany last week. The inside was closed, but we could walk around the the outside. She says “let’s just walk the parameter.” I started to correct her….but after having had this argument 1,000 times over 25+ years, I just kept my mouth shut and walked the perimeter with her.

parameter noun
pa·ram·e·ter | \ pə-ˈra-mə-tər \
Essential Meaning of parameter
: a rule or limit that controls what something is or how something should be done

perimeter noun
pe·rim·e·ter | \ pə-ˈri-mə-tər \
Definition of perimeter
1a : the boundary of a closed plane figure
b : the length of a perimeter
2 : a line or strip bounding or protecting an area
3 : outer limits —often used in plural

Man….it so bugs me.

She probably uses "about" instead of "scout" too.  Bitch.  

[Kilgorehorn 308]

1 hour ago, Crapinon said:

Why do women gets so pissed when you tell them they snore? My wife will lay on her side and snore directly into my left ear. I have to sleep with ear plugs and it still doesn't stop the noise. She takes meds to sleep and it's impossible to wake her up at night. I have to shake her to wake her enough to roll over. After about 3-4 nights of 5 hours or less sleep, I try to talk to her about it. When I mention she snores, she goes ballistic. Every damn time I mention it a fight ensues. 

Record her and play it back for her. Let us know what she says.

[nnm 38004]

5 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

My wife is well-read, and well-educated (two different post-grad degrees), but there is one fucking word choice that she CANNOT get right, and she even argues scout it with me, insisting that her choice is the right one, or “either one works for this situation”: parameter vs perimeter.

For example, we checked out an old church in Germany last week. The inside was closed, but we could walk around the the outside. She says “let’s just walk the parameter.” I started to correct her….but after having had this argument 1,000 times over 25+ years, I just kept my mouth shut and walked the perimeter with her.

parameter noun
pa·ram·e·ter | \ pə-ˈra-mə-tər \
Essential Meaning of parameter
: a rule or limit that controls what something is or how something should be done

perimeter noun
pe·rim·e·ter | \ pə-ˈri-mə-tər \
Definition of perimeter
1a : the boundary of a closed plane figure
b : the length of a perimeter
2 : a line or strip bounding or protecting an area
3 : outer limits —often used in plural

Man….it so bugs me.

As does “scout” and “about.”  Sure they rhyme, but they don’t mean anything close to the same thing!

edit:  @idigTexas beat me to it. 

Edited December 23, 2021 by nnm

[ztejas 44286]

5 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

My wife is well-read, and well-educated (two different post-grad degrees), but there is one fucking word choice that she CANNOT get right, and she even argues scout it with me,

Is it scout and about? Yeah that would really piss me off too. 

[Brisketexan 107033]

9 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Is it scout and about? Yeah that would really piss me off too. 

I hate all of you.  Almost as much as I hate spellcheck and Tapatalk.  But not quite.

For that, I'll kill you last.

[Jameslaw121 4498]

6 hours ago, Superhero said:

Me: You should bring a jacket. It gets pretty cold after the sun got down.

Wife: But it’s so hot now, I don’t need a jacket.

3 hours later…

Wife: Oh my gosh, I was so cold sitting there watching (our son) during soccer practice. I should have brought a jacket. 

I keep an extra for my wife in my truck....

[Fudbelty 2810]

Me: You should bring a jacket. It gets pretty cold after the sun got down.
Wife: But it’s so hot now, I don’t need a jacket.
3 hours later…
Wife: Oh my gosh, I was so cold sitting there watching (our son) during soccer practice. I should have brought a jacket. 

Last Christmas 100% on my own and own thoughtfulness bought my wife a battery operated heated jacket. She loved it. In November 21 we had some colder soccer games. Damn thing was still in the box. I got tone for reminding her about it.

[hundredTT 578]

My brother, dad, and I took all 4 kids to the movies yesterday. Literally no issues, had a great time. Today, my mom, wife, and sister took the kids to another movie and it was chaos. Yelling at me to find this and that, acting like I’m a jerk because I’m watching football instead of helping get them ready, brother is going through the same this with his wife. When we took the kids yesterday and the girls were drinking wine and talking, we didn’t bother them because had no need too. 

[Trey3216 15453]

8 hours ago, Crapinon said:

Why do women gets so pissed when you tell them they snore? My wife will lay on her side and snore directly into my left ear. I have to sleep with ear plugs and it still doesn't stop the noise. She takes meds to sleep and it's impossible to wake her up at night. I have to shake her to wake her enough to roll over. After about 3-4 nights of 5 hours or less sleep, I try to talk to her about it. When I mention she snores, she goes ballistic. Every damn time I mention it a fight ensues. 

Nothings worse than them yelling at you about snoring after you had a few beers and you tell them they snore every fucking night.    They don’t care 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8985]

Me: You should bring a jacket. It gets pretty cold after the sun got down.
Wife: But it’s so hot now, I don’t need a jacket.
3 hours later…
Wife: Oh my gosh, I was so cold sitting there watching (our son) during soccer practice. I should have brought a jacket. 

Any ski trip gems?

[NorthLoop 14535]

2 hours ago, hundredTT said:

My brother, dad, and I took all 4 kids to the movies yesterday. Literally no issues, had a great time. Today, my mom, wife, and sister took the kids to another movie and it was chaos. Yelling at me to find this and that, acting like I’m a jerk because I’m watching football instead of helping get them ready, brother is going through the same this with his wife. When we took the kids yesterday and the girls were drinking wine and talking, we didn’t bother them because had no need too. 

Reminds me of watching our toddler. She takes the daughter on some girls only 6 hour jaunt and me and the 2yo boy hang out all day with no issues. 

I leave the house for 2 hours to run some errands and come home and she's acting like I left her with a rabid pitbull and it's my fault he's rabid and oh yeah I'm an asshole for needing to get my oil changed. 

[SHOOTER12 8890]

22 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

guaran fucking tee the snitch was a bitch cunt who was waiting in line and pissed she didnt think to run into the mens room

No, the rat, bitch squealing cunt knew the men would throw her hog looking ass out.

[mulletpelini 5225]

3 hours ago, hundredTT said:

My brother, dad, and I took all 4 kids to the movies yesterday. Literally no issues, had a great time. Today, my mom, wife, and sister took the kids to another movie and it was chaos. Yelling at me to find this and that, acting like I’m a jerk because I’m watching football instead of helping get them ready, brother is going through the same this with his wife. When we took the kids yesterday and the girls were drinking wine and talking, we didn’t bother them because had no need too. 

why you gotta be such a prick?

Here's the thing, I've got a 1 yo and he's curious and gets into shit but I let him find his own consequences as long as they aren't going to injure him.  When she comes home though, I'll go on and on about what a nightmare he is to be with.  Guess what I don't ever have to listen to?

Edited December 24, 2021 by mulletpelini

[TrashMaster G 18134]

On 12/22/2021 at 7:48 AM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Well mine got us kicked out of a bar in Nashville over the weekend.

Long bathroom line for the women. no line for the men. She goes into the mens since she’s sloshed. Sheriff and 4 bouncers start escorting her to the door when she walks out. I see it and walk over. Sheriff says auto eject on stuff like that so I close out the tab and we head to the next bar.

Highlight of that story is that the mens bathroom had no stalls.

Pics of wife?

[mulletpelini 5225]

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

Pics of wife?

peeing

[Kennythetiger 9661]

4 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

I leave the house for 2 hours to run some errands and come home and she's acting like I left her with a rabid pitbull and it's my fault he's rabid and oh yeah I'm an asshole for needing to get my oil changed. 

She’s not pissed about the oil change- she’s pissed about the two beers you stopped and had in peace and quiet on your way home. 

[Kennythetiger 9661]

15 hours ago, Superhero said:

Me: You should bring a jacket. It gets pretty cold after the sun got down.

Wife: But it’s so hot now, I don’t need a jacket.

3 hours later…

Wife: Oh my gosh, I was so cold sitting there watching (our son) during soccer practice. I should have brought a jacket. 

For ten years I have been grabbing two jackets. It’s just easier that way. I will also take her eyeglasses, even when she “doesn’t need them”. 

[TexasEd 8269]

We drove to the in-laws today. She usually says I am too tense on the trips trying to get everyone out of the house so we can fight the I-35 traffic all the way to the Oklahoma border. 

Today I was calm and let them goof around counting presents on the floor so we did not get out of the driveway until 1:00 and even went back for the ear buds that were forgotten. I just nodded and agreed to sit in a line at Chick-fil-A in Georgetown so that after an hour in the car we were 20 miles down the road. Still calm but then the questions about what is bothering me came as I'm in stand still traffic in Waco. Nothing was bothering me but she asked like she was disappointed. 

[justhookit 4208]

So on the right hand side that’s a street light. Left side was the interesting part to her as it was a shadow of a palm tree on our across the street neighbor’s garage.

so at midnight a few nights ago we had a few friends over and she says “I love this time of year because it’s the only time of year you get to see that shadow.” I asked once, nicely if she wanted to rethink that. The dude just about fell out of his chair and the other girl said “well it’s because the sun is in a different spot in the winter”.

[NorthLoop 14535]

8 hours ago, TexasEd said:

We drove to the in-laws today. She usually says I am too tense on the trips trying to get everyone out of the house so we can fight the I-35 traffic all the way to the Oklahoma border. 

Today I was calm and let them goof around counting presents on the floor so we did not get out of the driveway until 1:00 and even went back for the ear buds that were forgotten. I just nodded and agreed to sit in a line at Chick-fil-A in Georgetown so that after an hour in the car we were 20 miles down the road. Still calm but then the questions about what is bothering me came as I'm in stand still traffic in Waco. Nothing was bothering me but she asked like she was disappointed. 

Serenity now, insanity later

[Dennis Taylor 19385]

On 12/23/2021 at 9:35 AM, Kilgorehorn said:

Record her and play it back for her. Let us know what she says.

I already sent that to him. Well, she was snoring there at the end anyways