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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52524

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Wife just finished a drill instructor dress down of our kids to be ready by 1230 for company to start arriving. 
 

meanwhile it’s 1045 and she’s still cleaning the house like a mad person with no end in sight and still has to shower and get ready herself. 
 

just wanted to get that into the minutes here in case things go too far south when I ask her why she wasn’t ready on time after lecturing our kids.  Or maybe she’ll surprise me. 

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52524

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18 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

It’s your fault. 

Oh it absolutely is. I showered and got dressed after that post so that the bathroom would be open for her whenever she wants (I still hear the vacuum at this time).  So it’s my fault for not helping clean. 
 

had I volunteered to clean, she would demand that I shower first for reasons, then say I didn’t give her enough time in the bathroom to shower and get ready. Also I wouldn’t have cleaned correctly, thereby actually costing her even more time than if she had just done it all herself. 
 

I miss Wyoming and being a thousand miles away from any family. 

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fuggled

fuggled 576

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Posted

A few days ago we drove down to spend the week with my wife's family in Austin. Yesterday I'm doing some cooking when my phone rings and I see it's my dad (back in Dallas) calling. We have the following conversation:

Dad: Have you been following our text thread with Mrs. Fuggled?
Me: Nope, what's up?
Dad: We're at your house, but can't find any kind of delivery notice for the package.
Me: What package? Hang on. Hey, wife, what is my dad taking about?
Wife: Well, I wanted Santa to leave a special tree for our daughter that she can put her own ornaments on, so I asked your parents to go over to our house to set it up. But I got a message that Amazon couldn't deliver the tree.
Me: Is it a USPS delivery?
Wife: Yes, why?
Me: Because I put on a hold on our mail when we left like I told you 3 days ago. That thing isn't getting delivered.
Wife: Well, maybe your dad can go to the post office and ask nicely if they'll give him our mail.
Me (back on the phone): Dad, go home. Thanks for trying.


Sent from my Pixel 5 using Tapatalk

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9390

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33 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Oh it absolutely is. I showered and got dressed after that post so that the bathroom would be open for her whenever she wants (I still hear the vacuum at this time).  So it’s my fault for not helping clean. 
 

had I volunteered to clean, she would demand that I shower first for reasons, then say I didn’t give her enough time in the bathroom to shower and get ready. Also I wouldn’t have cleaned correctly, thereby actually costing her even more time than if she had just done it all herself. 
 

I miss Wyoming and being a thousand miles away from any family. 

Help her clean for your company. Shower together. She’ll be thankful. Win win. 

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11809

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

40 minutes until her own chosen T0 and she’s still cleaning.  With the pandora app Christmas music channel up loud enough to be heard over the vacuum noise. 
 

hell on earth, this is right now. 

send the kids in as advance scouts.  let them take the hits

 

hey mom, I am ready at 1200 like you said.....  yep its NOON  alreadyMom....

Edited by AUS-97HORN
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Not a cat

Not a cat 5660

Posted
Posted
On 12/23/2021 at 8:02 AM, Brisketexan said:

but after having had this argument 1,000 times over 25+ years, I just kept my mouth shut and walked the perimeter with her.
 

 Are you a military family where parameter vs perimeter comes up 40ish times a year?  Are your conversations basically did you check the perimeter before coming in, or does that equipment fit the parameters of our mission?

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wd40

wd40 1976

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Oh it absolutely is. I showered and got dressed after that post so that the bathroom would be open for her whenever she wants (I still hear the vacuum at this time).  So it’s my fault for not helping clean. 
 

had I volunteered to clean, she would demand that I shower first for reasons, then say I didn’t give her enough time in the bathroom to shower and get ready. Also I wouldn’t have cleaned correctly, thereby actually costing her even more time than if she had just done it all herself. 
 

I miss Wyoming and being a thousand miles away from any family. 

to be fair, we've seen how you cook bacon, so...

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Sam Lin

Sam Lin 3559

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Posted
7 hours ago, Not a cat said:

 Are you a military family where parameter vs perimeter comes up 40ish times a year?  Are your conversations basically did you check the perimeter before coming in, or does that equipment fit the parameters of our mission?

No, they send scouts.

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Superhero

Superhero 8830

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

You missed out on a prime opportunity to up and whoop the Seattle team’s ass?  Shame.

Too busy getting to Vancouver before the snowstorm hit.

Too busy getting back to SeaTac before all the flights got grounded.

But I did give Seattle a good one finger salute when I was driving through the city. 

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10087

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Posted
We drove to the in-laws today. She usually says I am too tense on the trips trying to get everyone out of the house so we can fight the I-35 traffic all the way to the Oklahoma border. 
Today I was calm and let them goof around counting presents on the floor so we did not get out of the driveway until 1:00 and even went back for the ear buds that were forgotten. I just nodded and agreed to sit in a line at Chick-fil-A in Georgetown so that after an hour in the car we were 20 miles down the road. Still calm but then the questions about what is bothering me came as I'm in stand still traffic in Waco. Nothing was bothering me but she asked like she was disappointed. 
She was..
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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6649

Posted
Posted
On 12/23/2021 at 8:12 AM, Crapinon said:

Why do women gets so pissed when you tell them they snore? My wife will lay on her side and snore directly into my left ear. I have to sleep with ear plugs and it still doesn't stop the noise. She takes meds to sleep and it's impossible to wake her up at night. I have to shake her to wake her enough to roll over. After about 3-4 nights of 5 hours or less sleep, I try to talk to her about it. When I mention she snores, she goes ballistic. Every damn time I mention it a fight ensues. 

Does she tell you "I do NOT snore.  I had surgery for [insert some nasal related bullshit here] 25 years ago & the doctor said I won't ever be able to snore!  You are wrong."

Me:  "Hey, check out this video I recorded last night.  It's YOU.  SNORING."

Her:  "I don't know what you did, but that's not snoring."

Me:  "Whatever - the noise was clearly coming from YOU & it is 100% "natural", meaning all you."

Kids:  "Mom, you snore.  Loudly.  We can hear you into our bedroom."

Her:  "Whatever.  I don't snore."

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ABSR

ABSR 5315

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Posted
On 12/24/2021 at 12:02 AM, TexasEd said:

We drove to the in-laws today. She usually says I am too tense on the trips trying to get everyone out of the house so we can fight the I-35 traffic all the way to the Oklahoma border. 

Today I was calm and let them goof around counting presents on the floor so we did not get out of the driveway until 1:00 and even went back for the ear buds that were forgotten. I just nodded and agreed to sit in a line at Chick-fil-A in Georgetown so that after an hour in the car we were 20 miles down the road. Still calm but then the questions about what is bothering me came as I'm in stand still traffic in Waco. Nothing was bothering me but she asked like she was disappointed. 

Tell her "Nothing a blow job won't cure." 

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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14922

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Posted
Why do women gets so pissed when you tell them they snore? My wife will lay on her side and snore directly into my left ear. I have to sleep with ear plugs and it still doesn't stop the noise. She takes meds to sleep and it's impossible to wake her up at night. I have to shake her to wake her enough to roll over. After about 3-4 nights of 5 hours or less sleep, I try to talk to her about it. When I mention she snores, she goes ballistic. Every damn time I mention it a fight ensues. 

I’ve been in a separate bedroom for six months because of this. It’s awesome. I like the mattress much better and I sleep like a rock now. She does too. I’ve got my own TV, bathroom, everything. I may never go back.
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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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4 hours ago, Buzzrock said:


I’ve been in a separate bedroom for six months because of this. It’s awesome. I like the mattress much better and I sleep like a rock now. She does too. I’ve got my own TV, bathroom, everything. I may never go back.

Maybe replace the wife with a sugar baby while you are at it

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2224

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On 12/24/2021 at 11:47 AM, Kennythetiger said:

Help her clean for your company. Shower together. She’ll be thankful. Win win. 

You don’t sound married. 
 

Got a pressure washer for my wife that she has been wanting. After her first use, it of course end up in the middle of the garage, cords everywhere. So instead of passively aggressively dumping it on her side of the bed, I took the gun off, wound up the hoses, and put it away in the shop. 
 

Fast forward a few days and she’s trying to use it again, and she’s yelling at me from outside about not taking the gun off.  I asked her, with intentional tone, if she wanted me to put it back on for her real fast. 10 seconds later I handed it to her.  “So you have to turn it backwards to put it on?”  
Me - no. Righty tighty

Her - but you were turning it left 

me - no i turned it right. (Picked up and demonstrated. 
Her - no that’s backward. 
me - (now getting pissed because surely she must be trolling me) well google it or ask your dad since you are clearly not going to believe me at this point. 
 

next morning I get a text to some stupid link about righty righty and clockwise and how she was right. I happened to be in the shop and sent her back a video of me tightening it and loosening it.  She came down and said you are turning it backwards!  
 

At this point, it is amazing that no one is in jail.  I did it for her again, with her a foot away, also indicating which way a fucking clock goes. Nope, your loosening it now. 

I had to leave. She’s gas lighting me, right?  
 

About an hour later it came up again, and she finally got it. We can laugh now. And I bring it up every chance I get over the last few weeks, but I really think she might have been trying to get me to stroke out so she could collect insurance. 

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34715

Posted
Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

You don’t sound married. 
 

Got a pressure washer for my wife that she has been wanting. After her first use, it of course end up in the middle of the garage, cords everywhere. So instead of passively aggressively dumping it on her side of the bed, I took the gun off, wound up the hoses, and put it away in the shop. 
 

Fast forward a few days and she’s trying to use it again, and she’s yelling at me from outside about not taking the gun off.  I asked her, with intentional tone, if she wanted me to put it back on for her real fast. 10 seconds later I handed it to her.  “So you have to turn it backwards to put it on?”  
Me - no. Righty tighty

Her - but you were turning it left 

me - no i turned it right. (Picked up and demonstrated. 
Her - no that’s backward. 
me - (now getting pissed because surely she must be trolling me) well google it or ask your dad since you are clearly not going to believe me at this point. 
 

next morning I get a text to some stupid link about righty righty and clockwise and how she was right. I happened to be in the shop and sent her back a video of me tightening it and loosening it.  She came down and said you are turning it backwards!  
 

At this point, it is amazing that no one is in jail.  I did it for her again, with her a foot away, also indicating which way a fucking clock goes. Nope, your loosening it now. 

I had to leave. She’s gas lighting me, right?  
 

About an hour later it came up again, and she finally got it. We can laugh now. And I bring it up every chance I get over the last few weeks, but I really think she might have been trying to get me to stroke out so she could collect insurance. 

Before I was married, my then-fiancé and now wife and I were in a large European city in a large European country.  While walking to dinner she asked how I knew the way (she believed I was lost) and I replied that I was using a church as my orientation point since the restaurant was about a block away.  
 

Said church was not only the largest church in the entire country and the most visible landmark of the city but we had visited it that very afternoon as part of sightseeing.  She confirmed with two strangers before conceding that I was right (she dismissed the first confirmation because the person she asked was also visiting the city). 

After conceding that the structure in question was indeed the largest and most famous building in the city, which she had been to, she explained that we were seeing it “from a different angle.” It’s a single domed building. 

Edited by 956 Worldwide
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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 34715

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Posted
On 12/23/2021 at 10:08 PM, hundredTT said:

My brother, dad, and I took all 4 kids to the movies yesterday. Literally no issues, had a great time. Today, my mom, wife, and sister took the kids to another movie and it was chaos. Yelling at me to find this and that, acting like I’m a jerk because I’m watching football instead of helping get them ready, brother is going through the same this with his wife. When we took the kids yesterday and the girls were drinking wine and talking, we didn’t bother them because had no need too. 

I go through this all the time and it’s awful here in winter.  When is just me and our kids (9 and 7) I tell them when it’s time to get ready. I ask them if they’re ready when I hear movement stop. We leave.

My sole concession is to check for masks since we still have mandates and I don’t want to get kicked out of a bus or store. And, if the activity is outdoors (ice skating, hiking, etc), I’ll confirm hats and gloves and warm attire so we don’t have to cut it short. Other than that— you either bring it or you forget it and next time you’ll remember. If you don’t listen to my advice on jackets, you’ll be cold and will listen next time. Or you won’t and IDGAF. 

When wife is involved, we check for hats, gloves, scarves, water bottles, etc. We look for umbrellas just in case. We check (and change) jackets, sweaters, and tights based on wife’s assessment of what’s needed. I end up standing in the hall in my coat and shoes sweating as we fight over whether it’s sweater plus coat or just coat, whether we need snow boots or just warm shoes, etc.
 

Drives me batty. 

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66BUFF

66BUFF 2564

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Posted
58 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

You don’t sound married. 
 

Got a pressure washer for my wife that she has been wanting. After her first use, it of course end up in the middle of the garage, cords everywhere. So instead of passively aggressively dumping it on her side of the bed, I took the gun off, wound up the hoses, and put it away in the shop. 
 

Fast forward a few days and she’s trying to use it again, and she’s yelling at me from outside about not taking the gun off.  I asked her, with intentional tone, if she wanted me to put it back on for her real fast. 10 seconds later I handed it to her.  “So you have to turn it backwards to put it on?”  
Me - no. Righty tighty

Her - but you were turning it left 

me - no i turned it right. (Picked up and demonstrated. 
Her - no that’s backward. 
me - (now getting pissed because surely she must be trolling me) well google it or ask your dad since you are clearly not going to believe me at this point. 
 

next morning I get a text to some stupid link about righty righty and clockwise and how she was right. I happened to be in the shop and sent her back a video of me tightening it and loosening it.  She came down and said you are turning it backwards!  
 

At this point, it is amazing that no one is in jail.  I did it for her again, with her a foot away, also indicating which way a fucking clock goes. Nope, your loosening it now. 

I had to leave. She’s gas lighting me, right?  
 

About an hour later it came up again, and she finally got it. We can laugh now. And I bring it up every chance I get over the last few weeks, but I really think she might have been trying to get me to stroke out so she could collect insurance. 

 
 
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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52524

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Posted
1 hour ago, UT_OB1 said:

You don’t sound married. 
 

Got a pressure washer for my wife that she has been wanting. After her first use, it of course end up in the middle of the garage, cords everywhere. So instead of passively aggressively dumping it on her side of the bed, I took the gun off, wound up the hoses, and put it away in the shop. 
 

Fast forward a few days and she’s trying to use it again, and she’s yelling at me from outside about not taking the gun off.  I asked her, with intentional tone, if she wanted me to put it back on for her real fast. 10 seconds later I handed it to her.  “So you have to turn it backwards to put it on?”  
Me - no. Righty tighty

Her - but you were turning it left 

me - no i turned it right. (Picked up and demonstrated. 
Her - no that’s backward. 
me - (now getting pissed because surely she must be trolling me) well google it or ask your dad since you are clearly not going to believe me at this point. 
 

next morning I get a text to some stupid link about righty righty and clockwise and how she was right. I happened to be in the shop and sent her back a video of me tightening it and loosening it.  She came down and said you are turning it backwards!  
 

At this point, it is amazing that no one is in jail.  I did it for her again, with her a foot away, also indicating which way a fucking clock goes. Nope, your loosening it now. 

I had to leave. She’s gas lighting me, right?  
 

About an hour later it came up again, and she finally got it. We can laugh now. And I bring it up every chance I get over the last few weeks, but I really think she might have been trying to get me to stroke out so she could collect insurance. 

Now order a quick connect setup for it, put it on, and wait. 

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Superhero

Superhero 8830

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Posted

We went to Whistler 1.5 weeks ago to go skiing / snowboarding. I hate ski trips because there's so much stuff we have to pack and get through the airport.

The day before we leave, I'm going through all the luggage, trying to consolidate everything so we bring everything we need, but not too much. Stuff is all over the place, a jacket here, helmets in different suitcases, snow pants there, driving me batshit crazy. I pulled out 2 jackets for her, and 2 jackets for my daughter.

Me: Why are you bringing 2 jackets each for you and M?

Her: One is for snowboarding. It's a bit thinner because I get hot when I'm snowboarding. The other one is to wear when we're walking around.

Me: Are you serious? Wear an extra sweater and scarf.

[Tone]

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ztejas

ztejas 43476

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Posted
17 minutes ago, Superhero said:

We went to Whistler 1.5 weeks ago to go skiing / snowboarding. I hate ski trips because there's so much stuff we have to pack and get through the airport.

The day before we leave, I'm going through all the luggage, trying to consolidate everything so we bring everything we need, but not too much. Stuff is all over the place, a jacket here, helmets in different suitcases, snow pants there, driving me batshit crazy. I pulled out 2 jackets for her, and 2 jackets for my daughter.

Me: Why are you bringing 2 jackets each for you and M?

Her: One is for snowboarding. It's a bit thinner because I get hot when I'm snowboarding. The other one is to wear when we're walking around.

Me: Are you serious? Wear an extra sweater and scarf.

[Tone]

On the surface that seemed reasonable to me then I actually thought about it and it doesn't make sense on so many different levels. 

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19206

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Posted
6 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Before I was married, my then-fiancé and now wife and I were in a large European city in a large European country.  While walking to dinner she asked how I knew the way (she believed I was lost) and I replied that I was using a church as my orientation point since the restaurant was about a block away.  
 

Said church was not only the largest church in the entire country and the most visible landmark of the city but we had visited it that very afternoon as part of sightseeing.  She confirmed with two strangers before conceding that I was right (she dismissed the first confirmation because the person she asked was also visiting the city). 

After conceding that the structure in question was indeed the largest and most famous building in the city, which she had been to, she explained that we were seeing it “from a different angle.” It’s a single domed building. 

Over / under on how long before brisket uses this post to mention his Germany trip again?

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