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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15347

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43 minutes ago, luke duke said:


Yes, one is pasteurized and the other isn’t.

One of my dumbass buddies in college got a chicken to keep at their shithole rent house.  He would get stoned and feed the chicken the remnant meat from his chicken wings several times per week.   Don’t think we ever got any buffalized eggs from her though.  

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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14922

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16 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

I go through this all the time and it’s awful here in winter.  When is just me and our kids (9 and 7) I tell them when it’s time to get ready. I ask them if they’re ready when I hear movement stop. We leave.

My sole concession is to check for masks since we still have mandates and I don’t want to get kicked out of a bus or store. And, if the activity is outdoors (ice skating, hiking, etc), I’ll confirm hats and gloves and warm attire so we don’t have to cut it short. Other than that— you either bring it or you forget it and next time you’ll remember. If you don’t listen to my advice on jackets, you’ll be cold and will listen next time. Or you won’t and IDGAF. 

When wife is involved, we check for hats, gloves, scarves, water bottles, etc. We look for umbrellas just in case. We check (and change) jackets, sweaters, and tights based on wife’s assessment of what’s needed. I end up standing in the hall in my coat and shoes sweating as we fight over whether it’s sweater plus coat or just coat, whether we need snow boots or just warm shoes, etc.
 

Drives me batty. 

Dear sweet baby Jesus this. My wife will not let any little thing happen without quadruple checking it and planning for every possible contingency.  Umbrella on a sunny day type shit. God forbid a kid (12 and 15 at this point) gets to school without a lunch or whatever and learns a valuable lesson. And she acts like she’s a hero because she’s the only one who makes sure every little thing is accounted for and if she didn’t do it then no one would. 
 

I once pointed out that if she didn’t do all that shit…life would go on anyway and everything would still work out. She didn’t appreciate my tone. 

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txfan75

txfan75 7659

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We are going to visit my parents over New Years so my wife took the vehicle in to get an oil change. The service engine light has been coming on intermittently, I figured it was just an O2 sensor and not something major, so I asked her if they had read the code. She tells me she didn't ask them, but rather she googled it and knew what it was.  I was completely dumbfounded and told to her that there was no way google could tell you what the check engine light meant. I explained to her that you need and obd2 reader to download the code which identifies the problem. Knowing that I must be wrong, she then proceeded to read to me this laundry list of possibilities that a check engine light could indicate as per google. 

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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We are going to visit my parents over New Years so my wife took the vehicle in to get an oil change. The service engine light has been coming on intermittently, I figured it was just an O2 sensor and not something major, so I asked her if they had read the code. She tells me she didn't ask them, but rather she googled it and knew what it was.  I was completely dumbfounded and told to her that there was no way google could tell you what the check engine light meant. I explained to her that you need and obd2 reader to download the code which identifies the problem. Knowing that I must be wrong, she then proceeded to read to me this laundry list of possibilities that a check engine light could indicate as per google. 

Google also says you need to swap the engine, new radiator, new alternator, new tires and new brake lines to fix the problem.
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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4448

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So... This isn't on my wife per se but my entire in-law family. 

Wife's sister is visiting and staying with us (in Allen). But she's supposed to meet some high school friends tonight, and they are going to pick her up from their parents (in Dallas). Fine. We're going to go have lunch with @Knoxtnhorn in Rowlett.  Then drop her off at her parents. We don't have keys to her parents. So sil called . Say I'm dropping SIL off between 12:30 and 1

Head that way after lunch. Should be there about 12:50.

ME : One of yall needs to call you dad and remind him to be home between 12:30 and 1

Them : oh it'll be fine.

Me : Texts FIL - will be there about 12:45.

FIL : good - we should be home around then.

 

They weren't there...

 

Me. to wife : I fucking hate your family sometimes....

 

Edited by Jameslaw121
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Went to LBK yesterday and got haircut with 23YO son at same barber where he got his first one growing up and where I still frequent, event though it's 120 miles away. We go out to eat and have a great meal, make a stop at sister-in-law's house to drop off a gift, and  then we head to HEB which is located on the far south side of town, but it's the only one in town( and it's open.)  Wife gets her some wine, we get some beer, meats, other stuff for New Years and check out.  We are then going to head back north, and stop at my mom's 20 miles away and say hi while I make sure her outside faucets are covered and have no hoses hooked up.  We're on a bit of a timer as we have dogs back at the house that are gonna want out within about 7-8 hours of when we left.

Wife: " I want to go to Soda Shack."  This after I had noticed the punch card on her console from the establishment while driving down that morning. 

Knowing she really likes it, I ask where it is located.

"It's right by my sister's house"

"We drove right by it? That's 5 miles in the other direction. Why didn't you say something then,,,"  I stopped, knowing there wasn't a rational answer coming.  " ok we'll go."

As we pull into the drive through line, I ask everyone what they want.

Wife exuberantly belts out, " A diet Dr Pepper with the cream in it?"

"Wait, you mean like the 3 Sonics do that we passed coming over here?"  Son is in back seat dying laughing.  " No way did we drive all the way over here to get that.  You're ordering some razzle-dazzle shit that you can't get anywhere else."

" Ok...but it's a really good Dt Dr pepper."

I will never get that shit.  She's an absolute sweetheart, and when she wants something she mostly gets it; but that was a true, "WTF????" moment.

 

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nnm

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30 minutes ago, slorch said:

Went to LBK yesterday and got haircut with 23YO son at same barber where he got his first one growing up and where I still frequent, event though it's 120 miles away. We go out to eat and have a great meal, make a stop at sister-in-law's house to drop off a gift, and  then we head to HEB which is located on the far south side of town, but it's the only one in town( and it's open.)  Wife gets her some wine, we get some beer, meats, other stuff for New Years and check out.  We are then going to head back north, and stop at my mom's 20 miles away and say hi while I make sure her outside faucets are covered and have no hoses hooked up.  We're on a bit of a timer as we have dogs back at the house that are gonna want out within about 7-8 hours of when we left.

Wife: " I want to go to Soda Shack."  This after I had noticed the punch card on her console from the establishment while driving down that morning. 

Knowing she really likes it, I ask where it is located.

"It's right by my sister's house"

"We drove right by it? That's 5 miles in the other direction. Why didn't you say something then,,,"  I stopped, knowing there wasn't a rational answer coming.  " ok we'll go."

As we pull into the drive through line, I ask everyone what they want.

Wife exuberantly belts out, " A diet Dr Pepper with the cream in it?"

"Wait, you mean like the 3 Sonics do that we passed coming over here?"  Son is in back seat dying laughing.  " No way did we drive all the way over here to get that.  You're ordering some razzle-dazzle shit that you can't get anywhere else."

" Ok...but it's a really good Dt Dr pepper."

I will never get that shit.  She's an absolute sweetheart, and when she wants something she mostly gets it; but that was a true, "WTF????" moment.

 

So did you put cream in her Dr. Pepper?

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1 hour ago, baboso said:

You drive 120 miles for a haircut and then bitch about a 5 mile detour?

Drove down there to see folks and do other things.

The point was more about returning to a spot that was 5 miles out of the way, by which we had already driven...only for her to order a drink we could have gotten most anywhere.

But I'm sure with your keen insights, you caught that.

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SquishMitten

SquishMitten 10415

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The oldest kid had some sort of testing done at school (she's dyslexic, so it was something related to that). We got a print out of the scores, and as the wife is reading through them she's commenting like "oh, she didn't do very good here with a 60, but she's awesome in this area where she got a 138." Since those numbers don't mean anything to me, I ask what the scale is. She says it's a 100 point scale, which leads me to state what seemed obvious. After a couple minutes of me contesting that it's NOT a 100 point scale due to many areas being scored above 100, I was assured I have no idea how these things work. Apparently our child is a super genius that put the entire testing system on trial. 

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Thatguy

Thatguy 8750

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5 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

The oldest kid had some sort of testing done at school (she's dyslexic, so it was something related to that). We got a print out of the scores, and as the wife is reading through them she's commenting like "oh, she didn't do very good here with a 60, but she's awesome in this area where she got a 138." Since those numbers don't mean anything to me, I ask what the scale is. She says it's a 100 point scale, which leads me to state what seemed obvious. After a couple minutes of me contesting that it's NOT a 100 point scale due to many areas being scored above 100, I was assured I have no idea how these things work. Apparently our child is a super genius that put the entire testing system on trial. 

  This a true dad here. No fucking clue what is going on at school, like dads are supposed to be. I have to ask my wife what the hell is going on with most things that pertain to schooling, scheduling, or bills around this MFer.

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 6058

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34 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

The oldest kid had some sort of testing done at school (she's dyslexic, so it was something related to that). We got a print out of the scores, and as the wife is reading through them she's commenting like "oh, she didn't do very good here with a 60, but she's awesome in this area where she got a 138." Since those numbers don't mean anything to me, I ask what the scale is. She says it's a 100 point scale, which leads me to state what seemed obvious. After a couple minutes of me contesting that it's NOT a 100 point scale due to many areas being scored above 100, I was assured I have no idea how these things work. Apparently our child is a super genius that put the entire testing system on trial. 

You may or may not be surprised as to how many teachers have the same issue understanding basic data.

Hell, I had a principal flip out on me due to a STAR pretest we took in which my class score was a 35.  I had to explain that is wasn't on a 0 - 100 scale, and that we finished in the top quartile (compared to others) despite being extremely low socioeconomically.

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

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2 hours ago, SquishMitten said:

The oldest kid had some sort of testing done at school (she's dyslexic, so it was something related to that). We got a print out of the scores, and as the wife is reading through them she's commenting like "oh, she didn't do very good here with a 60, but she's awesome in this area where she got a 138." Since those numbers don't mean anything to me, I ask what the scale is. She says it's a 100 point scale, which leads me to state what seemed obvious. After a couple minutes of me contesting that it's NOT a 100 point scale due to many areas being scored above 100, I was assured I have no idea how these things work. Apparently our child is a super genius that put the entire testing system on trial. 

Maybe you should sign up your wife for that testing too

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TrashMaster G

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On 12/29/2021 at 10:02 AM, txfan75 said:

We are going to visit my parents over New Years so my wife took the vehicle in to get an oil change. The service engine light has been coming on intermittently, I figured it was just an O2 sensor and not something major, so I asked her if they had read the code. She tells me she didn't ask them, but rather she googled it and knew what it was.  I was completely dumbfounded and told to her that there was no way google could tell you what the check engine light meant. I explained to her that you need and obd2 reader to download the code which identifies the problem. Knowing that I must be wrong, she then proceeded to read to me this laundry list of possibilities that a check engine light could indicate as per google. 

Not to derail the thread, but....

With all the silicon in cars today and touchscreen infotainment centers with all the bells and whistles... Why can't we get a data readout in plain English for those error codes instead of the Check Engine light that forces us to go to a repair shop to have the codes "read"?

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Anastasis

Anastasis 23475

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In my office replying to some work emails, typing away...wife enters...oblivious to anything else going on.

Wife: Do you want to come with me to check out this table that I found on swap, I want to replace the one in the kitchen nook?

Me: Not really, but I will come if you want.

Wife: You need to come, otherwise you will complain about it when I buy it. 

Me: OK, I will come, but why are you asking me if I want to come, just say you need me to come with you. 

Wife: What time will work?

Me: Anytime after 3pm is fine with me.

Wife: Well, I have to pick up the boys and do x, y, z and you need to pick up the girl and I have to run by my parents, so it won't be right at 3pm, probably closer to 5:30, is that ok? 

Me: Is that after 3pm?

Wife: tone.

 

God damnit just get to the point.  

Edited by Anastasis
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Trey3216

Trey3216 15347

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56 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

In my office replying to some work emails, typing away...wife enters...oblivious to anything else going on.

Wife: Do you want to come with me to check out this table that I found on swap, I want to replace the one in the kitchen nook?

Me: Not really, but I will come if you want.

Wife: You need to come, otherwise you will complain about it when I buy it. 

Me: OK, I will come, but why are you asking me if I want to come, just say you need me to come with you. 

Wife: What time will work?

Me: Anytime after 3pm is fine with me.

Wife: Well, I have to pick up the boys and do x, y, z and you need to pick up the girl and I have to run by my parents, so it won't be right at 3pm, probably closer to 5:30, is that ok? 

Me: Is that after 3pm?

Wife: tone.

 

God damnit just get to the point.  

They have to accentuate how daunting and perilous their accumulated time wasting busy work actually is, in their mind.

"I had to do all these things today!!!" 

You didn't do shit.  You did a whole bunch of things normal people do in a given day and you're courting a sympathy spa day as a reward.  

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Anastasis

Anastasis 23475

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The kicker is that we have a nice ethan allen multi-leaf table, virtually identical to the one that she wants to replace it with. The current one has these little "ridges" between the boards that require some effort to clean.  So it must go and be replaced with another. FML. 

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2972

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2 hours ago, Anastasis said:

The kicker is that we have a nice ethan allen multi-leaf table, virtually identical to the one that she wants to replace it with. The current one has these little "ridges" between the boards that require some effort to clean.  So it must go and be replaced with another. FML. 

The horror.

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