Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Frank The Tank 1,503]

I recently heard her use the phrase “chester drawers” to refer to a dresser, or what a normal person might call a chest of drawers. Even after I lovingly explained how wrong and stupid that is, she persists in thinking that is an acceptable phrase to use in front of other adult human beings. Unbelievable. 

[elfenix 34,792]

Edited January 7, 2022 by elfenix
wives saying it wrong

[McCroskey 1,512]

I always thought that would be a good username.

[Cheeseweasel 26,443]

9 hours ago, McCroskey said:

I always thought that would be a good username.

Chesty Drawers would be a good stripper name.

[luke duke 6,457]

Chesty Drawers would be a good stripper name.

Is that the female version of dickbutt?

[Cheeseweasel 26,443]

27 minutes ago, luke duke said:

Is that the female version of dickbutt?

[Anwar Namtut 344]

14 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

I recently heard her use the phrase “chester drawers” to refer to a dresser, or what a normal person might call a chest of drawers. Even after I lovingly explained how wrong and stupid that is, she persists in thinking that is an acceptable phrase to use in front of other adult human beings. Unbelievable. 

As a kid, that's what I thought it was. But then I eventually grew up.

[Armybrat 41,454]

14 hours ago, McCroskey said:

I always thought that would be a good username.

He thinks so too...

 

[PhillyD 1,317]

7 minutes ago, Anwar Namtut said:

As a kid, that's what I thought it was. But then I eventually grew up.

I was probably a teenager when I figured it out.  My mom had shortened it to "Chester."  I thought the name for that piece of furniture was a chester.  When I figured out it was a chest of drawers, I likely thought people who called it that were hoity-toity.

[Celery Man 21,109]

Goddammit I know this is a tale as old as time but I'm going to lose it on my wife with the thermostat. Holy goddamn shit. We have fucking nest thermostats that we can program to keep a comfortable range of temperature in each section of the house or let it cool down or heat up depending on our routine and preferences and she can't just leave it the fuck alone. I'm sitting here in my office freezing wondering why I'm anemic and right because it's fucking 66 degrees in here because why not. Earlier today the thermostat had been jacked up to 74, so I guess whoever did that decided that they were hot and should select a new and different uncomfortable temperature.

I would pay... I dunno, $30/mo for a nest feature that gave my wife a dummy interface on her iphone and emitted fan noises from the various speakers around the house for 20 minutes whenever she adjusted the temperature.

[tbone_ 14,478]

[nnm 38,009]

43 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

Goddammit I know this is a tale as old as time but I'm going to lose it on my wife with the thermostat. Holy goddamn shit. We have fucking nest thermostats that we can program to keep a comfortable range of temperature in each section of the house or let it cool down or heat up depending on our routine and preferences and she can't just leave it the fuck alone. I'm sitting here in my office freezing wondering why I'm anemic and right because it's fucking 66 degrees in here because why not. Earlier today the thermostat had been jacked up to 74, so I guess whoever did that decided that they were hot and should select a new and different uncomfortable temperature.

I would pay... I dunno, $30/mo for a nest feature that gave my wife a dummy interface on her iphone and emitted fan noises from the various speakers around the house for 20 minutes whenever she adjusted the temperature.

I know the dummy thermostats exist. I travelled almost continually for the first 25 years of my career. In the last 10 years, it became clear that hotels had largely moved to dummy thermostats, or at least thermostats that only allowed adjustments in a very narrow range, no matter what the face of the device displayed. 
So get ahold of some HVAC contractor for hotels and get them to install one for you. 

[markstanco 12,812]

My wife bought some new bedside lamps. She got somewhat mad when I said if I lose my trailer ball I’m stealing this one.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,780]

I know the dummy thermostats exist. I travelled almost continually for the first 25 years of my career. In the last 10 years, it became clear that hotels had largely moved to dummy thermostats, or at least thermostats that only allowed adjustments in a very narrow range, no matter what the face of the device displayed. 
So get ahold of some HVAC contractor for hotels and get them to install one for you. 

This has long been my theory with hotels. As soon as I enter a room I turn the AC down as far as it will go. It reads 65 but no way it gets that cool.

[justhookit 4,208]

10 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Goddammit I know this is a tale as old as time but I'm going to lose it on my wife with the thermostat. Holy goddamn shit. We have fucking nest thermostats that we can program to keep a comfortable range of temperature in each section of the house or let it cool down or heat up depending on our routine and preferences and she can't just leave it the fuck alone. I'm sitting here in my office freezing wondering why I'm anemic and right because it's fucking 66 degrees in here because why not. Earlier today the thermostat had been jacked up to 74, so I guess whoever did that decided that they were hot and should select a new and different uncomfortable temperature.

I would pay... I dunno, $30/mo for a nest feature that gave my wife a dummy interface on her iphone and emitted fan noises from the various speakers around the house for 20 minutes whenever she adjusted the temperature.

“but it’s on auto.” You see that heat/cool switch?

I wanted to jump off a cliff after that conversation. Brand new build and we still don’t have a smart thermostat installed and even once we do I’m quite sure she will mess it up.

 

[luke duke 6,457]

My wife bought some new bedside lamps. She got somewhat mad when I said if I lose my trailer ball I’m stealing this one.

It looks like you’ve already lost your balls if you let her put that on your nightstand.

[tbone_ 14,478]

Wgaf what goes on the nightstand. That’s an easy win.

[ulukinatme 1,769]

Me:  "Hey, I'm going downstairs where it's quiet, got a video conference coming up for work."

Her:  "Ok."

Proceed to lock the door to avoid any distractions or noise from coming downstairs.

Not 10 minutes later I hear the door unlock and my son, the puppy, and her coming downstairs.  Puppy is barking, kid is carrying on.

Me:  <looks in disbelief>

Her:  "What, you can't watch them while I go pick up the other kids from school?!"  <storms off in disgust>

Edited January 12, 2022 by ulukinatme

[Kennythetiger 9,668]

15 hours ago, ulukinatme said:

Me:  "Hey, I'm going downstairs where it's quiet, got a video conference coming up for work."

Her:  "Ok."

Proceed to lock the door to avoid any distractions or noise from coming downstairs.

Not 10 minutes later I hear the door unlock and my son, the puppy, and her coming downstairs.  Puppy is barking, kid is carrying on.

Me:  <looks in disbelief>

Her:  "What, you can't watch them while I go pick up the other kids from school?!"  <storms off in disgust>

Your fault for giving her a key. 

[TrashMaster G 18,137]

5 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Your fault for giving her a key. 

[ulukinatme 1,769]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Your fault for giving her a key. 

It's a new house, they put keys above all the doors...something I may need to rectify.

[Nuge 2,032]

[Reagan1k 3,043]

My retired cousin has a side hustle helping relocate big fishing boats and yachts.

Me:  This spring he's going to help run a boat from Mobile up to some place close to Philadelphia.

Her:  Wow.  So he'll get to go through the Panama Canal?

Me:  Maybe......  Depends on how they go I guess.

[burntorangebongos 10,826]

Mrs Reagan1k must be super hot. 

[Wade 464]

• Daughter's grade school, 1 mile away, needs to be there by 7:45
• Son's high school, ten miles away, needs to be there by 8:30 (route is on the way to wife's work).

This morning, wife announces that she can take both of the kids to school.  She will drop off daughter and come back for son (so he doesn't have to leave so early).  Awesome, as I have an 8 am call.  She leaves at 7:30 with daughter.

As I am engaged in deep discussion with boss, my son starts bugging me.  It's 8:15 and wife is nowhere to be seen and not answering his calls.  I beg off the call and get ready to take son to school.  She finally answers and insists on coming back to take him.  He is summarily marked down as tardy and not happy.

Within one hour she forgot she was going to take son to school, and was headed straight to work.

Of course, her first reaction was to blame me.

[AUS-97HORN 12,058]

2 minutes ago, Wade said:

 

Of course, her first reaction was to blame me.

duh....  you were supposed to tell her her idea was great as long as she didnt go on autopilot and drive to work. 

[Dennis Taylor 19,389]

11 hours ago, Wade said:

• Daughter's grade school, 1 mile away, needs to be there by 7:45
• Son's high school, ten miles away, needs to be there by 8:30 (route is on the way to wife's work).

This morning, wife announces that she can take both of the kids to school.  She will drop off daughter and come back for son (so he doesn't have to leave so early).  Awesome, as I have an 8 am call.  She leaves at 7:30 with daughter.

As I am engaged in deep discussion with boss, my son starts bugging me.  It's 8:15 and wife is nowhere to be seen and not answering his calls.  I beg off the call and get ready to take son to school.  She finally answers and insists on coming back to take him.  He is summarily marked down as tardy and not happy.

Within one hour she forgot she was going to take son to school, and was headed straight to work.

Of course, her first reaction was to blame me.

You insensitive bastard! How dare you 

[TrashMaster G 18,137]

11 hours ago, burntorangebongos said:

Mrs Reagan1k must be super hot. 

Yep.  We need pics.

[tbone_ 14,478]

• Daughter's grade school, 1 mile away, needs to be there by 7:45
• Son's high school, ten miles away, needs to be there by 8:30 (route is on the way to wife's work).

This morning, wife announces that she can take both of the kids to school.  She will drop off daughter and come back for son (so he doesn't have to leave so early).  Awesome, as I have an 8 am call.  She leaves at 7:30 with daughter.
As I am engaged in deep discussion with boss, my son starts bugging me.  It's 8:15 and wife is nowhere to be seen and not answering his calls.  I beg off the call and get ready to take son to school.  She finally answers and insists on coming back to take him.  He is summarily marked down as tardy and not happy.
Within one hour she forgot she was going to take son to school, and was headed straight to work.
Of course, her first reaction was to blame me.

My hs daughter wouldn’t give 2 shits if she was tardy. She’d be back asleep on the bed if mom was late hoping she never came. /csb

[Jameslaw121 4,498]

18 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

My retired cousin has a side hustle helping relocate big fishing boats and yachts.

Me:  This spring he's going to help run a boat from Mobile up to some place close to Philadelphia.

Her:  Wow.  So he'll get to go through the Panama Canal?

Me:  Maybe......  Depends on how they go I guess.

That sounds like a badass side gig

[tejas60 3,576]

1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

That sounds like a badass side gig

and you get to go through the Panama canal!

[Trey3216 15,454]

[Kennythetiger 9,668]

20 hours ago, tejas60 said:

and you get to go through the Panama canal!

Maybe. Depends on which way you go. 

[Js1 87,306]

6 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Maybe. Depends on which way you go. 

[Dennis Taylor 19,389]

10 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

 

No shit,  right!!??

[Frank The Tank 1,503]

It’s like we’re playing a game of chicken to see who can leave the least amount of toilet paper left on the roll, and if you change the roll you lose. Except, she’s the only one playing and I always lose. 

[Pato del Muerto 53,607]

On 1/15/2022 at 1:26 PM, Kennythetiger said:

Maybe. Depends on which way you go. 

I’d use the canal. It’s right down the gulf from mobile and you won’t have to go all the way around Florida. 

[Bullneck 19,591]

On 1/7/2022 at 2:03 PM, Celery Man said:

Goddammit I know this is a tale as old as time but I'm going to lose it on my wife with the thermostat. Holy goddamn shit. We have fucking nest thermostats that we can program to keep a comfortable range of temperature in each section of the house or let it cool down or heat up depending on our routine and preferences and she can't just leave it the fuck alone. I'm sitting here in my office freezing wondering why I'm anemic and right because it's fucking 66 degrees in here because why not. Earlier today the thermostat had been jacked up to 74, so I guess whoever did that decided that they were hot and should select a new and different uncomfortable temperature.

I would pay... I dunno, $30/mo for a nest feature that gave my wife a dummy interface on her iphone and emitted fan noises from the various speakers around the house for 20 minutes whenever she adjusted the temperature.

I've had the app on my phone for three years and my wife doesn't know.

[Bullneck 19,591]

"It's not an argument, it's a conversation."

[Celery Man 21,109]

4 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

It’s like we’re playing a game of chicken to see who can leave the least amount of toilet paper left on the roll, and if you change the roll you lose. Except, she’s the only one playing and I always lose. 

I try not to do shit like this anymore because it’s happier to just change the roll every single time, but we went for a week like that where she was using a different bathroom and I had a completely different roll hidden. She was so mad that I kept not using the last half wrap of toilet paper that she had left on there.

[Cheeseweasel 26,443]

14 hours ago, Bullneck said:

"It's not an argument, it's a conversation."

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law future argument.

[Kennythetiger 9,668]

14 hours ago, Celery Man said:

I try not to do shit like this anymore because it’s happier to just change the roll every single time, but we went for a week like that where she was using a different bathroom and I had a completely different roll hidden. She was so mad that I kept not using the last half wrap of toilet paper that she had left on there.

I change ours too. Otherwise she’ll make the paper come off the backside instead of the front. We’re civilized people, not heathens. 

[ABSR 5,373]

21 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Anything you say, she imagines you say, she dreams you did, her friends tell her about others saying, that her friends husbands say or do, can and will be used against you in a court of law future argument.

Fixed it.

[Sam Lin 3,607]

15 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law future argument.

Too many words.

[Mitch Cumsteen 19,007]

God dammit motherfucker. 

 

[Jameslaw121 4,498]

We have two bathrooms. One for me and the boy. One for wife and the girl. I'll let you guess which one is always cleaner

 

[Kennythetiger 9,668]

14 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

God dammit motherfucker. 

 

Did one die?  

[AUS-97HORN 12,058]

what in the holy fuck  is she planning to  do with a 4 foot tall bronze flamingo Mitch?

[WhatTheBuck 28,942]

I think it’s a crane. Flamingo beaks curve downward. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,330]

Ok that makes it better because 4 foot tall bronze cranes have a lot more uses