Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[lateshow 1319]

11 minutes ago, nnm said:

Isn't that how she got the money to spend on clothes? 

[BayouBill 835]

22 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

Pyramid scheme is the better description. 

[deadshank 24654]

58 minutes ago, Johnny Sack said:

The money my wife spends on clothes.....fuck me.

I think my wife buys the junk just so other women can’t have it.   I never see her wear the stuff she purchases.

OR

She wears it for her boyfriend. 

[Frank The Tank 1503]

[ocugolf 1220]

[Sam Lin 3591]

That flow chart cannot be correct, there is actually a path to End of Story. And Apologize? wtf? Maybe how your GF tells a story, definitely not wife.

[crimsonlonghorn 2313]

On 3/15/2022 at 11:48 AM, nnm said:

MLM. They prey on the housewives. I don’t know how many my wife has been approached about over the years. Thankfully she’s been educated about the game and hasn’t fallen for it. 

 

On 3/15/2022 at 12:11 PM, Mo Horn said:

Pyramid scheme is the better description. 

 

I know several dudes who fell for the "Holiday Bourbon Exchange" last Christmas on Facebook. Exact same thing except the money was laundered into booze. You never got anything back unless you recruited more dumbasses into the pyramid. 

[Dennis Taylor 19284]

Wife-" Where is blah blah going to school?"

Son- " Maine Maritime Academy "

Wife- "Where's that?"

Son-

 

 

[Biff Tannen 46061]

On 3/18/2022 at 7:16 PM, ocugolf said:

Wife started to tell a story tonight that myself and the other person involved had heard before, but may have been a bit hazy on.  Immediately told her to tell the short version.  Literally in the first sentence she started to give too many details and I interjected with "NOPE.  Too long."  She then tried to correct, but just started down another tangent so I just gave her the Seinfeld "i'm out" motion and walked away.

[mininghorn88 2330]

1 hour ago, Biff Tannen said:

Wife started to tell a story tonight that myself and the other person involved had heard before, but may have been a bit hazy on.  Immediately told her to tell the short version.  Literally in the first sentence she started to give too many details and I interjected with "NOPE.  Too long."  She then tried to correct, but just started down another tangent so I just gave her the Seinfeld "i'm out" motion and walked away.

No sexy time for you. But understand your predicament. Condolences.

Edited March 20, 2022 by mininghorn88

[Eugene11 379]

[Sam Lin 3591]

She loaded 2 discombobulated fingers into the dishwasher?

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

7 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

She loaded 2 discombobulated fingers into the dishwasher?

With nasty fingernails 

[lilMAC25 3969]

On 3/14/2022 at 8:03 AM, deadshank said:

Mrs. Deadshank:  Hey, I bought some vintage (used) boots for the upcoming rodeos.  They were a great deal.  Only $250!!

Me:  Oh, OK, hon.

 (3 weeks later)

Mrs. Deadshank:  I’m selling the vintage (used) boots to Molly.  I don’t like them that much.   She’s paying me $50 for them!   That’s awesome!

Me: Uh, didn’t you just pay $250 for them three weeks ago?  Now you’re unloading them for $50?  And that’s awesome?  How is that awesome?

Mrs. Deadshank:  Well $50 is the going rate for vintage (used) boots.   It’s a great deal!!

Me:  If $50 is the going rate then why did you pay $250?

Mrs. Deadshank:  tone. 

Are we married to the same woman?

[deadshank 24654]

3 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

Are we married to the same woman?

Are you broke and not getting any mogambo?

 

If so, then yes   

 

[lilMAC25 3969]

On 9/21/2021 at 7:04 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

This looks fun. Too bad we have no pets.

Damnit, this. My wife bought one (might be this one, might be slightly different) because the dogs were making messes. She never figured out how to use it.

 

6 month later. She RENTS a carpet shampooer from Kroger because she couldn’t figure out how to use the Bissell. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid for a few weeks.

 

Then a few years later she sold the virtually unused (I think I used it 2-3 times) Bissell for 1/3 or less of the original purchase price. 
 

again, I didn’t get laid for a while after that.

Edited March 20, 2022 by lilMAC25

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

8 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

She loaded 2 discombobulated fingers into the dishwasher?

I load forks with the tines pointing down and I’d put that plastic container on the top rack. I don’t know what those things on the bottom right are.

[Jerry Callo 8952]

24 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I load forks with the tines pointing down and I’d put that plastic container on the top rack. I don’t know what those things on the bottom right are.

Wash that plastic thing by hand.  It's just going to end up upside down full of water and dish soap.

[Jerry Callo 8952]

44 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

Damnit, this. My wife bought one (might be this one, might be slightly different) because the dogs were making messes. She never figured out how to use it.

 

6 month later. She RENTS a carpet shampooer from Kroger because she couldn’t figure out how to use the Bissell. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid for a few weeks.

 

Then a few years later she sold the virtually unused (I think I used it 2-3 times) Bissell for 1/3 or less of the original purchase price. 
 

again, I didn’t get laid for a while after that.

Until your wife buys not one, but two Kirby vacuums from a door-to-door salesman, you got nothing to complain about.  With two, it brought the price down to $1000 each. 

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

1 minute ago, Jerry Callo said:

Until your wife buys not one, but two Kirby vacuums from a door-to-door salesman, you got nothing to complain about.  With two, it brought the price down to $1000 each. 

She’s banging the Kirby guy. Sorry to be the one to tell you. 

[lilMAC25 3969]

On 10/16/2021 at 3:16 AM, 956 Worldwide said:

Stupid shit husbands and wives do. Had planned a short family trip and the budget carrier was the only one that flies to our destination. Wife was the one planning everything so she booked tickets. 
 

Cause of a family issue she had to fly home to help her mom but she insisted we go anyway. “Don’t worry, I’ll have lots of time there, I’ll check you in and send all the documents.”

 

Morning of the flight she sends screenshots of the “you are checked in” screen but NOT the boarding passes. Did not have phone with her to send the actual passes. I pay the 20 buck “boarding pass reprint fee” for me and the kids.

 

Stupid shit husbands do because I should have insisted she send me all the confirmation number and checked in on my own. 

Wife: Could you pick up food for the kids?

Me: Where?

Wife: McDonald’s.

Me: Gross, but ok. Text me what you want me to order. (This is very important to the story)

Wife: OK.

Me: Driving to McGross, receives a text.

Wife: I placed an order using the McDisgusting App

Me: Ok. 
 

Wife: Just show them this picture. Pic of order number and info included.

Huge line when I pull up. Almost out to the street.

Me (to McDrone): I’ve got a pickup order, the number is 8675309.

McDrone: Pull around.

Me: waiting 25 fucking minutes to get to the window.

Wife: Have you picked it up yet? Kids are hungry.

Me: Still not to window yet. 

Me: Shows McDrone the picture.

McDrone: Is this a picture of the order? 
 

Me: It is.

McDrone: I’ll have to get my manager. Please pull up to 3rd window.

McManager: Sir we need the actual phone that the order was placed on.

Me: Seriously? I just waited 45 min for your McGarbage and despite you having this order at the restaurant and me having a picture of it you won’t give it to me?

McManager: That’s correct.

Me: May I place the exact same order here and pay for it here? 

McManager: We can’t take payments or orders at this window, you’ll have to pull around and go through the line again.

Wife: Are you almost home?

Me: [seething as I pull around] I asked you to tell me what to order.

Wife: What happened? 

Me: Describes issue.

Wife: Kids are really hungry, please go through line.

Me: I’m back in line, what is order?

I finally get home, she’s pissed that I took so long. It took everything I had not to flip out because she’s mad at me for having to go through the line 2x (took well over an hr), because her plan made more sense to her.

Wife: ”It’s never been an issue before”

Me: Whose phone did you order on?

Her: Mine.

Me: Whose phone did you show them?

Her: Mine.

Me: 

 

Oh, and she got madder when I made her get onto the app and cancel the order, which led to her having to call McDonald’s corporate. 
 

Edited March 20, 2022 by lilMAC25

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

Divorce thread—->

[lilMAC25 3969]

Just now, Cheeseweasel said:

Divorce thread—->

🤣

 

Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

 

I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

[Incredulity 11861]

59 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

Wash that plastic thing by hand.  It's just going to end up upside down full of water and dish soap.

Yeah, I wash most everything by hand anyway. I clean as I go and won’t put my nice knives, pots, and pans in the washer. If I was going to put a plastic container in the washer, though, I’d at least wipe it out with a paper towel first and put it in the top rack. But usually it gets mostly clean by running hot water on it so a quick hand scrub with detergent and a scrunge gets the job done.

Someone mentioned above about having two dish towels hanging out. I have a drying rack but there’s a convenient use for a third dish towel that serves the same purpose. Just lay it out on the counter to let things with nooks and crannies that you can’t dry completely by hand, like plastic storage containers and their lids, or parts of your coffee maker, or a box grater, or parts of my rice cooker, finish drying.

Fun fact: I used my rice cooker a number of times before I looked more closely at the manual and discovered it had something called a “condensation collector.” It has a steam vent so I never expected it would need such a thing. That little plastic reservoir was pretty nasty. It was easy to clean, though. But there is no possible way that you could dry it with a towel. And you couldn’t put it in the dishwasher. So that has to be laid out to dry.

Still wondering what those things are on the bottom right of that pic. 

[lilMAC25 3969]

On 11/23/2021 at 1:08 PM, Buzzrock said:

Yup. I used to yell, “AND???” which of course would get me in trouble. Now I just don’t care.

And yes, it’s always while she’s looking at her phone. Which is all the time.

Phone time. I have a doozie.

 

 

last year we drove to Breckenridge, CO from Houston. It was an awesome trip, other than my being sick the entire time.

 

My wife stayed on the phone (surfing) the entire time we were on the road.
 

When we would stop for lunch or hotel, I’d read my phone. It would make her so mad.
 

“Why are you on your phone? You don’t want to talk to me?”

Darlin, we’ve been driving for 6 hrs and you’ve barely talked. I’ve been having conversations with the kids. Now I’m the asshole for wanting to know what’s going on in the OhioSt/Mich game?

Edited March 20, 2022 by lilMAC25

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

2 hours ago, lilMAC25 said:

🤣

 

Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

 

I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

Dude.  Bad idea jeans.  I can't think of a worse combination of new home build/living with in-laws for a marriage.  If you stay together I will be impressed.

Also, I learned the words "mogambo" and "scrunge" on this thread today.

[Biff Tannen 46061]

4 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I load forks with the tines pointing down and I’d put that plastic container on the top rack. I don’t know what those things on the bottom right are.

My in laws load the dishwasher with the knives and forks pointing up.  Guess they like to get stabbed.

[lilMAC25 3969]

On 12/20/2021 at 9:04 PM, Superhero said:

I tell my wife and kids I’m not going to drive faster just because they took forever to get out of the house. If they’re late, they’re late.

Driving extra fast to get somewhere gets you there maybe 1-2 minutes faster at best. Not worth it.

Just to make this relevant to the thread… “woman, why do you always take a shit right before we go to church?”

lolthis

 

my wife is late for EVERYTHING. And she constantly blames me…

 

 

today, I’m sick, so I’m not going to church. She’s just taking 1 kid (of 3) as the others are sick as well.

 

20 min drive to our church which begins at 1200. 
 

She comes downstairs at 1155. 

[lilMAC25 3969]

13 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Dude.  Bad idea jeans.  I can't think of a worse combination of new home build/living with in-laws for a marriage.  If you stay together I will be impressed.

Also, I learned the words "mogambo" and "scrunge" on this thread today.

I actually really enjoy being around her parents. We get along great. 
 

The issue won’t be on my end.

 

 

I do worry about it some though.

Edited March 20, 2022 by lilMAC25

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

13 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

My in laws load the dishwasher with the knives and forks pointing up.  Guess they like to get stabbed.

I mean, they’re called handles for a reason. That and the dirty parts should always be pointing down toward the water source. 

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

41 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I mean, they’re called handles for a reason. That and the dirty parts should always be pointing down toward the water source. 

Counterpoint: Women. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

 
Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 
We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).
 
I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

Dude. We are living the exact same life right now. We are doing those same things. Wife and MIL act the same way too.

[lilMAC25 3969]

11 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Dude. We are living the exact same life right now. We are doing those same things. Wife and MIL act the same way too.

I plan to rail their daughter as often as possible in every hole while at their house. Hopefully it will relieve as much of her stress as it will mine.

Edited March 20, 2022 by lilMAC25

[baboso 6101]

1 hour ago, lilMAC25 said:

I plan to rail their daughter as often as possible in every hole while at their house. Hopefully it will relieve as much of her stress as it will mine.

 

[Dennis Taylor 19284]

1 hour ago, lilMAC25 said:

I plan to rail their daughter as often as possible in every hole while at their house. Hopefully it will relieve as much of her stress as it will mine.

In the room her high school boyfriends used to crawl in and out of the window from...? 

[lilMAC25 3969]

22 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

In the room her high school boyfriends used to crawl in and out of the window from...? 

Hell yes. 
 

actually, the room we will stay in was her brother’s room, so technically, You’re correct.

Edited March 20, 2022 by lilMAC25

[tx ind 7056]

7 hours ago, lilMAC25 said:

🤣

 

Not yet. I took a job closer to our parents (on both sides) for the kids and her.
 

We are in the middle of a house sale, and our intention is to move in with her parents for a while (they’ve got a big house).

 

I’m sure after a few months living with her mother (they are best friends, but don’t really get along after more than a few hrs, if that makes any sense) while under the stress of building a house, I might need that thread.

avatar checks out

[Dennis Taylor 19284]

1 hour ago, lilMAC25 said:

Hell yes. 
 

actually, the room we will stay in was her brother’s room, so technically, You’re correct.

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

5 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Counterpoint: Women. 

It’s true of them too. 

[BHMCruiser 1828]

22 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Yeah, I wash most everything by hand anyway. I clean as I go and won’t put my nice knives, pots, and pans in the washer. If I was going to put a plastic container in the washer, though, I’d at least wipe it out with a paper towel first and put it in the top rack. But usually it gets mostly clean by running hot water on it so a quick hand scrub with detergent and a scrunge gets the job done.

Someone mentioned above about having two dish towels hanging out. I have a drying rack but there’s a convenient use for a third dish towel that serves the same purpose. Just lay it out on the counter to let things with nooks and crannies that you can’t dry completely by hand, like plastic storage containers and their lids, or parts of your coffee maker, or a box grater, or parts of my rice cooker, finish drying.

Fun fact: I used my rice cooker a number of times before I looked more closely at the manual and discovered it had something called a “condensation collector.” It has a steam vent so I never expected it would need such a thing. That little plastic reservoir was pretty nasty. It was easy to clean, though. But there is no possible way that you could dry it with a towel. And you couldn’t put it in the dishwasher. So that has to be laid out to dry.

Still wondering what those things are on the bottom right of that pic. 

Please review the "how my wife tells a story" diagram above and internalize its lessons. This post is terrible.

[shadow_operative2.0 16181]

And he’s an old drunk single man. 

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

2 minutes ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

And he’s an old drunk single man. 

Lucky bastard.

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

6 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

Please review the "how my wife tells a story" diagram above and internalize its lessons. This post is terrible.

 Nothing wrong with that post. And nothing wrong with hanging two dish towels. 

[baboso 6101]

8 minutes ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

And he’s an old drunk single man. 

Don't judge me.

[BHMCruiser 1828]

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

 Nothing wrong with that post. And nothing wrong with hanging two dish towels. 

I didn't make it that far

[huge 3825]

On 3/20/2022 at 12:39 PM, WhatTheBuck said:

I mean, they’re called handles for a reason. That and the dirty parts should always be pointing down toward the water source. 

According to my research (Martha Stewart) it is strictly personal preference nowadays with the newer dishwasher (electric not wife) models.

[General Specific 3484]

According to my research (Martha Stewart) it is strictly personal preference nowadays with the newer dishwasher (electric not wife) models.

It has nothing to do with the water, and everything to do with the person putting their hands on the end of the utensil that will carry the food to my mouth. No thanks, I’ll eat somewhere else!

[huge 3825]

11 minutes ago, General Specific said:

It has nothing to do with the water, and everything to do with the person putting their hands on the end of the utensil that will carry the food to my mouth. No thanks, I’ll eat somewhere else!

That they likely prepared with the same hands?  Where do you eat that no one touches anything with their hands?

[Gene Parmesan 4062]

32 minutes ago, General Specific said:

It has nothing to do with the water, and everything to do with the person putting their hands on the end of the utensil that will carry the food to my mouth. No thanks, I’ll eat somewhere else!

You can't point all the spoons down or they'll start spooning and won't get cleaned.  You wife's or kid's dirty hands are touching all your plates/bowls as well.