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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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LW Goatman

LW Goatman 1117

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Typical situation you all are familiar with. We need to be somewhere today at noon.

On the way, we need to pick up something from the bakery that is 10 minutes away.

I tell my wife we need to leave by 10:30, which gives me that half hour buffer we all need to EVEN GET CLOSE to leaving on time. 

I hit the bakery at 8am to get the item, now let her know we need to leave by 10:45 to be there on time.

We pull out of the driveway at 11:28.

The end. 

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11682

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43 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

All you can do is just go sit in the car in the driveway at 10:45, surf the shag on your phone, and enjoy the zen until she decides to roll out.

or take the AB road and tell her you are leaving at 1045 with or without her.... and follow up on the threat and leave at 1046. 

you will get screamed at for a long time and either sleeping on the couch or by yourself and not get any sexy time for a month or 2....

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66BUFF

66BUFF 2554

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15 hours ago, LW Goatman said:

Typical situation you all are familiar with. We need to be somewhere today at noon.

On the way, we need to pick up something from the bakery that is 10 minutes away.

I tell my wife we need to leave by 10:30, which gives me that half hour buffer we all need to EVEN GET CLOSE to leaving on time. 

I hit the bakery at 8am to get the item, now let her know we need to leave by 10:45 to be there on time.

We pull out of the driveway at 11:28.

The end. 

Take 2 cars.  My father-in-law did this for years.

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14093

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Posted
17 minutes ago, markstanco said:

Really happened.

Wife was flustered today, our youngest was being a total shithead.

She called:

Hey do you have your phone?

Silence for maybe 3 seconds but felt like 15 minutes. And I reply “are you serious?”

That was the wrong answer. 

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12409

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9 hours ago, markstanco said:

Really happened.

Wife was flustered today, our youngest was being a total shithead.

She called:

Hey do you have your phone?

Silence for maybe 3 seconds but felt like 15 minutes. And I reply “are you serious?”

This reminds me of my wife's instruction every time she leaves a table to use a restroom in a public setting.

Wife:  Can you watch my purse?

Al:  No, I'm going to give it to the first person who walks by so they can steal our credit cards.

<EYE DAGGERS>

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markstanco

markstanco 12509

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8 hours ago, burntorangebongos said:

Sorry, but I have to know. Were you nice to her or were you a dick about how dumb she was in the moment? The "Are you serious?" wasn't really bad considering that she shocked you but then what were you like about her colossal brain fart?

Yes it was a very condescending reply.  

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Nivek

Nivek 16860

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On 4/15/2022 at 1:14 PM, Nivek said:

Background problem: kids are getting to school late

Wife solution: you need to do more in the mornings, the kids don’t listen to me, and I am running late.

Man solution: please do not turn on the TV in the morning. It distracts the kids. When we didn’t turn on the tv in them morning the kids were on time.

Wife: but I need my coffee and a moment to wake up, I’ll just turn it off when I am done.

Man: we agree to a trial of my way and her way.

Week one results: no tv, kids are ready early, kids are happier, adults are happier. We are so early that I brush out hair and basically do it all by myself.

Is there a need for week 2? Will she admit I was correct for a 5th time in 20 years?

Week 2:  I woke up before everyone, did my routine, she sat and drank her coffee and played on her phone.   Kids were ready again early, happy, no fighting or arguing.  Hair all brushed and detangled, sheets in washer, backpacks affixed.   Son even went for a morning constitutional and was out with time to spare.   

She almost admitted it was working better, easier, more efficiently.....  Almost. 

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45497

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11 hours ago, Nivek said:

Week 2:  I woke up before everyone, did my routine, she sat and drank her coffee and played on her phone.   Kids were ready again early, happy, no fighting or arguing.  Hair all brushed and detangled, sheets in washer, backpacks affixed.   Son even went for a morning constitutional and was out with time to spare.   

She almost admitted it was working better, easier, more efficiently.....  Almost. 

So you ultimately still lost and wasted a bunch of time.

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Nivek

Nivek 16860

Posted
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13 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

So you ultimately still lost and wasted a bunch of time.

I am happier, kids are happier, wife is happier even if she won't admit it.   

I offered in passing, "this no-TV thing is really working great for us."  and I received a "hmmm" as a reply.

 

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18706

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1 minute ago, Nivek said:

I am happier, kids are happier, wife is happier even if she won't admit it.   

I offered in passing, "this no-TV thing is really working great for us."  and I received a "hmmm" as a reply.

 

That translates to : " Let's see how this 'no sex for you' thing works out for you "

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17388

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5 hours ago, Nivek said:

I am happier, kids are happier, wife is happier even if she won't admit it.   

I offered in passing, "this no-TV thing is really working great for us."  and I received a "hmmm" as a reply.

 

At some point the lack of acknowledgment would get to me.  I would keep pushing to get an admission out of her, knowing full well I'd be doing to five-knuckle shuffle for a week or so.  It's worth it.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54003

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On 4/15/2022 at 10:32 PM, Hook1997 said:

You are somehow surprised that a women is confused by the Cardinals wearing blue numbers, not knowing it’s Jackie Robinson Day and not realizing they are all wearing the same number??  What is she supposed to be a huge baseball fan?  I had a girl ask me once how many points they got in baseball when they scored….

1.  If she lives with me, yes, she's supposed to be a huge baseball fan.  That was basically my first screen for wife material.

2.  You don't think it's odd that she noticed they were wearing blue numbers, but didn't notice that every player on the field was wearing #42?

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ztejas

ztejas 43266

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4 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

1.  If she lives with me, yes, she's supposed to be a huge baseball fan.  That was basically my first screen for wife material.

2.  You don't think it's odd that she noticed they were wearing blue numbers, but didn't notice that every player on the field was wearing #42?

Dude it took me like an inning to notice everyone was wearing 42 that day. I think I had it on a 2nd screen but still. Take it easy on the gal.

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Nivek

Nivek 16860

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16 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

At some point the lack of acknowledgment would get to me.  I would keep pushing to get an admission out of her, knowing full well I'd be doing to five-knuckle shuffle for a week or so.  It's worth it.

Well today she turned on the TV but turned it off when she left the room.   Kids were "on-time" for school, but not much room to spare.  About 20 minutes later than with No TV.   It's pretty evident that the morning TV slows everyone down.   Sigh.

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mininghorn88

mininghorn88 2263

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2 hours ago, Nivek said:

Well today she turned on the TV but turned it off when she left the room.   Kids were "on-time" for school, but not much room to spare.  About 20 minutes later than with No TV.   It's pretty evident that the morning TV slows everyone down.   Sigh.

Print some business cards that says “Consultant” on them. That would automatically make you an indisputable authority....or maybe not....who knows?

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1813

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3 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

Print some business cards that says “Consultant” on them. That would automatically make you an indisputable authority....or maybe not....who knows?

you'd be better off printing business cards that say "Not Husband/Total Stranger." You'd have better luck being listened to.

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Sandman

Sandman 3402

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We're going on vacation to Europe this fall. My wife said she wants to put one of those Tile trackers in her luggage to "Keep track of it in case it gets lost on the way over". I said if your luggage is lost by the airline and you track it and it turns out your bag is in New Jersey instead of London, how does that help you? I don't know if she thought she could turn over the data to an airline detective or what. No tone, she just sulked for a minute.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

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20 minutes ago, Sandman said:

We're going on vacation to Europe this fall. My wife said she wants to put one of those Tile trackers in her luggage to "Keep track of it in case it gets lost on the way over". I said if your luggage is lost by the airline and you track it and it turns out your bag is in New Jersey instead of London, how does that help you? I don't know if she thought she could turn over the data to an airline detective or what. No tone, she just sulked for a minute.

Our luggage is having a wonderful trip!

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SquishMitten

SquishMitten 10401

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On 4/16/2022 at 12:06 AM, harpercollins said:

 


I’ll tell on myself.

My husband and I have a twenty year ongoing fight about how early to arrive at the airport for a domestic flight. I’ve mostly given up to keep peace. (He wants to be there two hours before boarding; I want to be there one hour before boarding. The “right” answer I think is probably in the middle.)

Last week I flew to SLC by myself and was insanely late—only made it on the plane due to renewing Clear while in line and a 20 minute flight delay. I ran to the gate and onto the jetway,
and they closed the doors behind me like a movie.

Once my heart stopped pounding I texted him that I made it on the plane, and that, while his way isn’t my favorite way, it’s much, much better than mine. He was so happy he said he was going to print out the text and frame it.

 

To clarify because it's not clear to me ... were you actually an hour early and it wasn't enough time to get through security? Or did you not even follow "your" plan? Because if you didn't even do that, then there's really just no hope for you.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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My wife and I have the same phone. She has a minimum of 3 chargers scattered around the house. I have one. It also happens to charge my laptop. It stays on the kitchen island. When I get home, I plug my phone in until after the kids are asleep or at least until after dinner.

 

At least once a week, my charger has disappeared because she couldn't find hers...

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1813

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1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife and I have the same phone. She has a minimum of 3 chargers scattered around the house. I have one. It also happens to charge my laptop. It stays on the kitchen island. When I get home, I plug my phone in until after the kids are asleep or at least until after dinner.

 

At least once a week, my charger has disappeared because she couldn't find hers...

How old are your kids?

I ask because I fight this same battle with my wife and my teenager. I charge my phone at work now. 

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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4 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

How old are your kids?

I ask because I fight this same battle with my wife and my teenager. I charge my phone at work now. 

3 & 8. The 8 yo has a table that my charger will work on, but he will either let it charge on the island. Or ask if he can borrow it, then returns it......

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nnm

nnm 36101

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2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife and I have the same phone. She has a minimum of 3 chargers scattered around the house. I have one. It also happens to charge my laptop. It stays on the kitchen island. When I get home, I plug my phone in until after the kids are asleep or at least until after dinner.

 

At least once a week, my charger has disappeared because she couldn't find hers...

I gave up on this a long time ago. I ordered about 20 chargers on Amazon and put them everywhere. All the rooms she spends time in.  2 in her car. 2 in her suitcase. 2 in her purse. Problem solved for a month or two. 

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harpercollins

harpercollins 394

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To clarify because it's not clear to me ... were you actually an hour early and it wasn't enough time to get through security? Or did you not even follow "your" plan? Because if you didn't even do that, then there's really just no hope for you.

No I didn’t even do my plan. I arrived about 35 minutes before boarding.

I just needed the context to set up my text conceding that his way was better.
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General Specific

General Specific 3233

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I gave up on this a long time ago. I ordered about 20 chargers on Amazon and put them everywhere. All the rooms she spends time in.  2 in her car. 2 in her suitcase. 2 in her purse. Problem solved for a month or two. 

Yup! Rule of thumb is three per person per location per quarter. Bedroom, office/school and car!

Pro tip, find the “Mega Butt Load” button on Amazon, and schedule, then kick back, until the end of quarter…
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Sam Lin

Sam Lin 3541

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4 hours ago, nnm said:

I gave up on this a long time ago. I ordered about 20 chargers on Amazon and put them everywhere. All the rooms she spends time in.  2 in her car. 2 in her suitcase. 2 in her purse. Problem solved for a month or two. 

I also do this, whenever chargers or cables go on super sale, I load up and just give them a bunch of extras.

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