Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Buzzrock 14,871]

30 seconds into the new Batman and she’s peppering me with questions. Bitch I don’t know, I haven’t seen it either!

[NorthLoop 14,093]

Thankfully I'm a Samsung guy while the wife and daughter are Apple sheep. Don't have to worry about my chargers going missing. 

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

Things my wife allegedly knows:

1)water costs money 

2a) we are on a septic system with a leach field that puts water in the ground

2b) the rough location of the leach field.  Easy to tell as it is always as green as an Irish clover field. 
 

thing my wife does:  

run sprinklers on the leech field

[USCATX 1,067]

Went to the new Moody last night for Bon Jovi and she steps out of the car with a normal sized, non-clear purse.

 
Me:  “You sure you don’t need a clear bag for this like at the Erwin Center for the last 10 shows we’ve been to?

Her: “No, I checked online and it just needs to be less than 11x17.”

Me: “That doesn’t sound right, but ooooook.”

We walk down the stairs from the garage and there’s a giant, new foldable sign stating that you can have a small clutch or a 14x14 clear bag.  
 

Me: “Hey, looks like you need a clear bag, let’s walk that purse back to the car now.”

Her: “No! I read it online and it’s 11x17!”

As we are in the metal detector line a manager lady came charging over yelling “uh huh, nooooo way, girl you KNOW that’s not a clutch.  Did you not see the signs?”

Me: “Cool, glad we figured that out.”

[Brisketexan 104,628]

Did JBJ’s voice sound as godawful as folks are saying it did?

[USCATX 1,067]

49 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Did JBJ’s voice sound as godawful as folks are saying it did?

It was good sometimes and really bad sometimes.  Led me to believe the good sound was more of a mix of the other vocalists and when too much Bon Jovi slipped through it got ugly fast.  He did a vocals-only into to Livin On A Prayer that was Ashlee Simpson Orange Bowl bad.  

[Pig Bellmont 8,692]

5 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Did JBJ’s voice sound as godawful as folks are saying it did?

It was pretty rough at the Houston rodeo circa 2003. I can only imagine what it’s like almost 20 years later 

[Hate 20,103]

Watching baseball tonight...
"Why are the Cardinals wearing blue numbers?"
"Are you kidding?  You are NOT serious..."
She grabs her phone and I see her googling something about "Cardinals uniforms"
"OH!  It's Jackie Robinson Day! but why are they honoring him by wearing blue numbers?"
"There's no way you're serious..."

"Oh, they're all wearing number 42!"
I swear this actually happened.

Fuck the Cardinals.

[Buzzrock 14,871]

Went to the new Moody last night for Bon Jovi and she steps out of the car with a normal sized, non-clear purse.
 
Me:  “You sure you don’t need a clear bag for this like at the Erwin Center for the last 10 shows we’ve been to?
Her: “No, I checked online and it just needs to be less than 11x17.”
Me: “That doesn’t sound right, but ooooook.”
We walk down the stairs from the garage and there’s a giant, new foldable sign stating that you can have a small clutch or a 14x14 clear bag.  
 
Me: “Hey, looks like you need a clear bag, let’s walk that purse back to the car now.”
Her: “No! I read it online and it’s 11x17!”
As we are in the metal detector line a manager lady came charging over yelling “uh huh, nooooo way, girl you KNOW that’s not a clutch.  Did you not see the signs?”
Me: “Cool, glad we figured that out.”

Reminds me of this:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CbddVDysQLf/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[deadshank 24,651]

When my wife texts me and I don't reply within 5 minutes it is the end of the world.  

"What if I was in a bind?"  "What if I was in an accident?" "What if spider monkeys from Mars are invading and their space ship plopped down in our backyard?"  "You have to take your cell phone to the deer blind like I do in case something happens"  Then she proceeds to describe every  deer, pig, jav, snake, bird, ground squirrel, badger, skunk, lizard, bunny, etc.  I text her "it is a lovely morning" and I get "why can't you stay off your phone for  5 minutes and let me enjoy the peace and quiet?"

OK, hon.

Flip the script.  I text her something and it lives on with no reply for days, weeks. "Oh, I didn't see it."  Meanwhile, her sisters text or one of her "work" people text and their is a mad scramble to reply and I should reverently be quite while she replies.  

In a stroke of her genius, I later found out she somehow and "mistakenly" put me on ignore.  Oopsies.  

After that was cured, she now claims that when I text her from my truck with the hands-free talk-to-text feature (which annoys her but only slightly less than if I were to actually text by hand while driving) that the dummy engineers at Ford somehow rigged it where my talk-to-text feature will not give a notification to her iPhone that I sent a text.

[mininghorn88 2,263]

2 minutes ago, deadshank said:

When my wife texts me and I don't reply within 5 minutes it is the end of the world.  

"What if I was in a bind?"  "What if I was in an accident?" "What if spider monkeys from Mars are invading and their space ship plopped down in our backyard?"  "You have to take your cell phone to the deer blind like I do in case something happens"  Then she proceeds to describe every  deer, pig, jav, snake, bird, ground squirrel, badger, skunk, lizard, bunny, etc.  I text her "it is a lovely morning" and I get "why can't you stay off your phone for  5 minutes and let me enjoy the peace and quiet?"

OK, hon.

Flip the script.  I text her something and it lives on with no reply for days, weeks. "Oh, I didn't see it."  Meanwhile, her sisters text or one of her "work" people text and their is a mad scramble to reply and I should reverently be quite while she replies.  

In a stroke of her genius, I later found out she somehow and "mistakenly" put me on ignore.  Oopsies.  

After that was cured, she now claims that when I text her from my truck with the hands-free talk-to-text feature (which annoys her but only slightly less than if I were to actually text by hand while driving) that the dummy engineers at Ford somehow rigged it where my talk-to-text feature will not give a notification to her iPhone that I sent a text.

The classic “double standard” practice.

[CycleTex87 2,954]

Awesome that she had you on "ignore".  

[SHOOTER12 8,789]

1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

Awesome that she had you on "ignore".  

Yeah..lol accidentally my ass!

[deadshank 24,651]

1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

Awesome that she had you on "ignore".  

I thought that was cute, too.

Edited April 25, 2022 by deadshank
Told you guys I'm just the right kind of Ahole.

[CycleTex87 2,954]

For a long time, my wife's email address has not been able to receive attachments, photos (either as attachments or in the body of the email), links or whatever else from either my work email or personal email.  Just text and that's it.  She thinks it's my fault and I of course think it's something on her end.  It's sometimes frustrating and sometimes a built in excuse.  Maybe it will fix itself one day.

[Biff Tannen 45,497]

On 4/21/2022 at 2:27 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife and I have the same phone. She has a minimum of 3 chargers scattered around the house. I have one. It also happens to charge my laptop. It stays on the kitchen island. When I get home, I plug my phone in until after the kids are asleep or at least until after dinner.

 

At least once a week, my charger has disappeared because she couldn't find hers...

My friend's wife stole our kitchen charger.  Just unplugged it from the wall.  I don't think it was intentional, as I've heard she has a habit of this.  Still blew my mind.

[Patricio Swayze 17,058]

My wife told me that I have been snoring a lot lately and to not snore tonight and keep her up.

What a dumb fucking comment.

I told her to just put a pillow over my face and kill me and solve all the problems at once.

[SilasCoade 2,620]

1 hour ago, Patricio Swayze said:

My wife told me that I have been snoring a lot lately and to not snore tonight and keep her up.

What a dumb fucking comment.

I told her to just put a pillow over my face and kill me and solve all the problems at once.

Isn't your wife Brazilian? You're playing with fire saying shit like that. Might FAAFO

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

We’ve been home from a 9 day vacation now for 4 weeks.

Bet you can imagine what the laundry room and our bedroom looks like. I’ve probably stepped on 5 plastic white hangers by now.


I don’t wash the kids clothes. My favorite part of the week is satudayish when I claim the washer and dryer to do my clothes and she has bitches at me about her needing to do the laundry in the laundry room despite having all work week to pick at it.


I’ve all but given up letting her know I hear the sound from then washer or dryer saying it’s done .

[Sam Lin 3,541]

14 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

I’ve all but given up letting her know I hear the sound from then washer or dryer saying it’s done .

If you want to have no sex and possibly no bed for a few weeks/months, record the washer/dryer buzzer on your phone and walk up and play it back to her every few minutes.

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

1 minute ago, Sam Lin said:

If you want to have no sex and possibly no bed for a few weeks/months, record the washer/dryer buzzer on your phone and walk up and play it back to her every few minutes.

Better yet, make it her ring tone. 

[workswithseed 2,037]

On 12/28/2021 at 11:15 AM, 956 Worldwide said:

I go through this all the time and it’s awful here in winter.  When is just me and our kids (9 and 7) I tell them when it’s time to get ready. I ask them if they’re ready when I hear movement stop. We leave.

My sole concession is to check for masks since we still have mandates and I don’t want to get kicked out of a bus or store. And, if the activity is outdoors (ice skating, hiking, etc), I’ll confirm hats and gloves and warm attire so we don’t have to cut it short. Other than that— you either bring it or you forget it and next time you’ll remember. If you don’t listen to my advice on jackets, you’ll be cold and will listen next time. Or you won’t and IDGAF. 

When wife is involved, we check for hats, gloves, scarves, water bottles, etc. We look for umbrellas just in case. We check (and change) jackets, sweaters, and tights based on wife’s assessment of what’s needed. I end up standing in the hall in my coat and shoes sweating as we fight over whether it’s sweater plus coat or just coat, whether we need snow boots or just warm shoes, etc.
 

Drives me batty. 

Just get rain boots and a jacket like the rest of Oregon does. No need for umbrellas.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

11 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

My friend's wife stole our kitchen charger.  Just unplugged it from the wall.  I don't think it was intentional, as I've heard she has a habit of this.  Still blew my mind.

By law, I believe you get to bang her.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

If you want to have no sex and possibly no bed for a few weeks/months, record the washer/dryer buzzer on your phone and walk up and play it back to her every few minutes.

Know from experience?

[Celery Man 20,886]

have we ever talked about how they put their purse on the floor of the car next to their feet and then whenever you need to check for cars/pedestrians/etc behind you they're folded in half getting gum or whatever the fuck it is and blocking the mirrors

[Ojo Rojo 1,906]

I need a ruling here guys...

Yesterday evening was the culmination of kind of a stressful few days, so I asked my wife if she wanted to go to a restaurant for dinner (with our kids).  We picked a Mexican place close to our house and, as luck would have it, her sister was going to be there at the same time with her family and a couple of friends.  Everyone was happy that we were going to get together.  Great.

Well, it was raining yesterday and the temps dropped about 20 degrees as the front passed. I was wearing shorts and flip flops because it had been 86 degrees earlier in the day. It was 63, windy and raining when we left the restaurant. My wife was driving; I'm in the passenger seat (I know, I know, but long story short it was easier to leave the kids her her car instead of transferring them to my truck. Plus, she knows I hate her driving and I normally drive everywhere, even in her car, but I didn't want to be antagonistic and insist that I drive.)  After we leave the restaurant we pull up to a light and my SIL's car is right next to us.  My wife rolls down my window to "say hi" to them.  As far as I know, they never saw us (their windows were all up). When she started rolling my window down I said, "WTF?  What are you doing? Why are you rolling the window down?!"  She got all pissed off at me. Huh??? It was 63 degrees. And windy. And raining. And I was wearing shorts and flip flops. I guess next time it's pouring rain or cold or snowing or lightning I'll put her outside to exposure her to it because that's cool. Then she claimed I was gaslighting her because I got mad at her about that. Then I told her she didn't know the definition of gaslighting, which is a much overused word, case in point. Yadda, yadda, yadda now I'm sleeping on the couch.

[shadow_operative2.0 15,834]

63 isn’t cold enough to whine about the window being down briefly. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

You should have made her sleep on the couch

[Dennis Taylor 18,706]

Hey @Ojo Rojo you didn't log out and your wife is posting shit on here making you look like a bitch

[tbone_ 14,025]

Don’t you have a window button on your door?

[TrashMaster G 17,388]

5 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Hey @Ojo Rojo you didn't log out and your wife is posting shit on here making you look like a bitch

This.

I admit, the whole 'saying hi to the people you just had a meal with' is dumb.  But c'mon man.  Don't be a wuss.

[Frank The Tank 1,492]

I don’t sleep on the couch, ever. She can be mad all she wants and sleep wherever she pleases, but I’m sleeping in my damn bed. 

[TKthunder2 4,981]

Wife ordered some dryer balls from Amazon because she saw someone talking about them on Facebook.  They are all over the house now, obviously they are critical the the drying process.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

I prefer my dryer to be neutered.  That way the washer doesn't end up pregnant

[Ojo Rojo 1,906]

1 hour ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

63 isn’t cold enough to whine about the window being down briefly. 

Did I mention it was raining?

[Kennythetiger 9,335]

You mentioned a lot of things. 

[deadshank 24,651]

14 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

Wife ordered some dryer balls from Amazon because she saw someone talking about them on Facebook.  They are all over the house now, obviously they are critical the the drying process.

Yep.  Those blasted things are now in our dryer.   They really help in twisting the fitted and flat sheets into a big wet knot.   
 

Rage. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

13 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Did I mention it was raining?

Delete these posts. Claim you were drunk. Move on.

[SilasCoade 2,620]

Y'all are giving @Ojo Rojothe business but that is some bullshit to roll down another person's window while it's raining to try and get the attention of the people you just had dinner with.

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

this is unbelievable

[tbone_ 14,025]

Y'all are giving [mention=2210]Ojo Rojo[/mention]the business but that is some bullshit to roll down another person's window while it's raining to try and get the attention of the people you just had dinner with.

Have you ever met a female?

I’m just saying sounds like it would have been easier to just roll it up himself and continue through the hellish gauntlet of life in a chill manner.

[SilasCoade 2,620]

3 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Have you ever met a female?

I’m just saying sounds like it would have been easier to just roll it up himself and continue through the hellish gauntlet of life in a chill manner.

She rolls it down, starts trying to shout/wave at someone and you roll it up wordlessly, then? And that works out without conflict for you? C'mon.

[tbone_ 14,025]

She rolls it down, starts trying to shout/wave at someone and you roll it up wordlessly, then? And that works out without conflict for you? C'mon.

Yea, with the Tommy Lee Jones you’ve got to be kidding me look. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Operated that way for about 17 of my 19 years of marriage. Took me a couple years to figure it out.

I might have offered a simple explanation along the lines of “It’s raining”. But that’s it. Train or be trained. Either way, up to you.

[tejas60 3,527]

2 hours ago, Llogg said:

Y'all are giving @Ojo Rojothe business but that is some bullshit to roll down another person's window while it's raining to try and get the attention of the people you just had dinner with.

if he'd have been driving he wouldn't have had the problem.

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

Throw in a “how stupid are you?” and they’ll learn to think before they act.  It’s science. 

[TrashMaster G 17,388]

1 hour ago, tejas60 said:

if he'd have been driving he wouldn't have had the problem.

This right here.

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

3 hours ago, Llogg said:

She rolls it down, starts trying to shout/wave at someone and you roll it up wordlessly, then? And that works out without conflict for you? C'mon.

No, the solution is to act like a huge snatch about the whole thing because your flip flops and umbros got moist. OP nailed it. Perfectly manly response to something.

 

"brrrr....I'm a skooch chilly."

Edited April 27, 2022 by BHMCruiser

[Ojo Rojo 1,906]

I accept the bitchassedness label. What I have learned is the proper response is to sit stoically while cold rain hits your face and body, roll the window up yourself while saying nothing or insist on driving in the first place.

[MissingInAction 24,824]

3 hours ago, tejas60 said:

if he'd have been driving he wouldn't have had the problem.

Lock it up.

[SilasCoade 2,620]

27 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

No, the solution is to act like a huge snatch about the whole thing because your flip flops and umbros got moist. OP nailed it. Perfectly manly response to something.

 

"brrrr....I'm a skooch chilly."

Criticizing the reaction is different than suggesting there was no reason to be annoyed.