Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[closetohumping 17777]

NSFW 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by closetohumping

[Grade of D as in David 13255]

47 minutes ago, ABSR said:

I have just recently installed motion sensor lights (that turn off after a few minutes) in our pantry and in our bedroom closet.  My stress level is about 50% lower because of this, and my electric bill will follow.

My buddy put them in every room in the house. 

[Dennis Taylor 19284]

Was watching the Astros game and left for about 15 minutes to walk the dog. When I walk back in she says " Well they're still not hitting good" , and I look at the tv as Pena is rounding the bases and i see the replay of the ball he hit up by the train tracks. I said " that one was pretty good" to which she replied " except for that one"

[Kennythetiger 9584]

Is this some sort of a boast?  

[TrashMaster G 18030]

18 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife doesn't drink. I do. She now regularly drives after we've been out to dinner or whatever.

But, when we were dating. We went somewhere where I only had two beers. Got in a small argument over me driving. I said "My driving after two beers is still better than completely sober." But I relented and gave her the keys.

 

She promptly drove over the concrete parking block in front of our parking space....

Did you leave a key word out of that?  Like maybe "... is still better than you completely sober"?

[Longboard Horn 41319]

Late to the party, but I'm just gonna say that I wear shorts and flip flops in weather that's way colder than 63. Toughen up ojo rojo 

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

On 5/2/2022 at 11:32 AM, 956 Worldwide said:

My wife just got totally scammed on a piece of art while I am home sick in bed. She went to a dealer; saw a small piece she liked, and was told it cost about 150.00 in local currency.  She said, “I’ll take it.”

Dealer: Where are you from? You have an accent.

W: “The United States.”

Dealer: Oh, you really want to buy? I am just tired of artists coming in here and trying to unload their art to me for commission, so I always lowball. The real price is 600 dollars. 

W: Let me think about it. That’s a lot more than you quoted. 

Dl: I have a certificate that shows the value. And I’ll take 300.00 instead of 600.00

W: Deal

Must be the first person in his life that fell for the “negotiate upward” trick. Gotdammit. 
 
The dealer was Armenian, where we lived. So bonding over their shared love of Armenia played a role in his willingness to let this thing go for only twice his original quote. 

Grrrrr. She could’ve had it for $75.

[BearMace 2243]

On 5/3/2022 at 6:48 PM, WhatTheBuck said:

Grrrrr. She could’ve had it for $75.

But then she'd only be able to sell it for $25 later. She was thinking about future resell.

[NorthLoop 14421]

On 5/2/2022 at 2:00 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife doesn't drink. I do. She now regularly drives after we've been out to dinner or whatever.

But, when we were dating. We went somewhere where I only had two beers. Got in a small argument over me driving. I said "My driving after two beers is still better than completely sober." But I relented and gave her the keys.

 

She promptly drove over the concrete parking block in front of our parking space....

This is the story of how you avoided getting in trouble for yelling at her to stop just before she hit the block. 

[Jameslaw121 4485]

7 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

This is the story of how you avoided getting in trouble for yelling at her to stop just before she hit the block. 

This is correct. 

[Dutchrudder 11228]

I think we have all been here

[Wade 464]

Son's confirmation is coming up.  Couple months back wife asks if we can join the family of his best buddy (who live in the same city as us) in a celebratory dinner at Benihanas (picked by mother of his best friend) after the event. 

"I guess, whatever."

Generally, the events I've agreed to for the wife don't start become real in my head until the event nears.  Confirmation is this Wednesday, so I ask, "where is there a Benihanas near here anyway". 

"Oh, it's in Irvine"

Thirty fucking miles away.  To go to Benihanas.

[ztejas 44114]

1 hour ago, Wade said:

Son's confirmation is coming up.  Couple months back wife asks if we can join the family of his best buddy (who live in the same city as us) in a celebratory dinner at Benihanas (picked by mother of his best friend) after the event. 

"I guess, whatever."

Generally, the events I've agreed to for the wife don't start become real in my head until the event nears.  Confirmation is this Wednesday, so I ask, "where is there a Benihanas near here anyway". 

"Oh, it's in Irvine"

Thirty fucking miles away.  To go to Benihanas.

So you didn't give a shit where the dinner was then got pissed where the dinner was. Also you think it's called "Benihanas". 

Sounds like a wife move.

I mean you actually wrote "Benihanas" three times unironically. You seem lost.

Edited May 8, 2022 by ztejas

[nnm 37737]

1 hour ago, Wade said:

Son's confirmation is coming up.  Couple months back wife asks if we can join the family of his best buddy (who live in the same city as us) in a celebratory dinner at Benihanas (picked by mother of his best friend) after the event. 

"I guess, whatever."

Generally, the events I've agreed to for the wife don't start become real in my head until the event nears.  Confirmation is this Wednesday, so I ask, "where is there a Benihanas near here anyway". 

"Oh, it's in Irvine"

Thirty fucking miles away.  To go to Benihanas.

I’m with you, Wade. I don’t really pay attention to whatever plans my wife makes until they’re upon us. And Benihana is ass, my dude. That you never should have agreed to. 

[Kennythetiger 9584]

It’s for the kid. You’ve eaten worse. 

[Pato del Muerto 53331]

Nothing says let’s celebrate your adult choice to join the (whatever) Christian church like a restaurant that serves food from a place that is 1% Christian. 

[freyguy 4364]

my wife hosed down the outdoor stereo last week and "forgot" to tell me about it, now I get to look for a new one...yay me...

Edited May 8, 2022 by freyguy

[ABSR 5357]

3 hours ago, ztejas said:

So you didn't give a shit where the dinner was then got pissed where the dinner was. Also you think it's called "Benihanas". 

Sounds like a wife move.

I mean you actually wrote "Benihanas" three times unironically. You seem lost.

Benihana’s is a chain.  My guess is there are 2 or 3 other Benihana’s closer to them.

Or, there are at least 3-4 similar style restaurants (Japanese table side cooking) much closer.

[SilasCoade 2622]

31 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Benihana’s is a chain.  My guess is there are 2 or 3 other Benihana’s closer to them.

Or, there are at least 3-4 similar style restaurants (Japanese table side cooking) much closer.

Do you also shop at HEB's?

[Thatguy 9289]

4 hours ago, ztejas said:

So you didn't give a shit where the dinner was then got pissed where the dinner was. Also you think it's called "Benihanas". 

Sounds like a wife move.

I mean you actually wrote "Benihanas" three times unironically. You seem lost.

Oh hay it's Mr "fun at parties".

[Pig Bellmont 8867]

7 hours ago, Wade said:

Son's confirmation is coming up.  Couple months back wife asks if we can join the family of his best buddy (who live in the same city as us) in a celebratory dinner at Benihanas (picked by mother of his best friend) after the event. 

"I guess, whatever."

Generally, the events I've agreed to for the wife don't start become real in my head until the event nears.  Confirmation is this Wednesday, so I ask, "where is there a Benihanas near here anyway". 

"Oh, it's in Irvine"

Thirty fucking miles away.  To go to Benihanas.

Somebody really loves that onion volcano and flipping shrimp into someone’s mouth

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

2 hours ago, Pig Bellmont said:

Somebody really loves that onion volcano and flipping shrimp into someone’s mouth

 

[huge 3825]

I am 100% food/restaurant snob but I love Benihana.  There I said it.  Also there is one 3 miles from my house

[Sam Lin 3590]

Yeah, but how do you feel about Benihanas?

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

1 minute ago, Sam Lin said:

Yeah, but how do you feel about Benihanas?

He probably loves all of them.

I’ve never been to one. But I love a good hibachi steakhouse. My favorite is a place called Fujiyama. I haven’t been there since before the quarantine. I’ve been experimenting with trying to imitate it at home.

[TrashMaster G 18030]

On 5/8/2022 at 6:11 AM, Wade said:

Son's confirmation is coming up.  Couple months back wife asks if we can join the family of his best buddy (who live in the same city as us) in a celebratory dinner at Benihanas (picked by mother of his best friend) after the event. 

"I guess, whatever."

Generally, the events I've agreed to for the wife don't start become real in my head until the event nears.  Confirmation is this Wednesday, so I ask, "where is there a Benihanas near here anyway". 

"Oh, it's in Irvine"

Thirty fucking miles away.  To go to Benihanas.

When did they add the "s"?

 

 

On 5/8/2022 at 11:28 AM, Thatguy said:

Oh hay it's Mr "fun at parties".

*hey

 

😛

[mulletpelini 5220]

On 5/2/2022 at 10:21 AM, Celery Man said:

wife loves turning the stove on full blast under a nonstick skillet before she puts anything in there. who the fuck knows why - I think she thinks that there is some benefit to doing that

15 years, we're now at the realization of opening a window, so there's hope

[Beau Vine 55824]

[Crapinon 2367]

20 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I'll one up you. My wife had a bag of those and she would wash them and out them back in the bag. I finally threw them all out without her realizing it.

[Elvis 3425]

It's a tale as old as time. 

Wife is backing out of the garage and scrapes the shark fin antenna thing off of her Q5, taking out the bottom garage door panel in the process.

She claims that her phone fell onto the garaged door opener fob in the console, bringing it down unexpectedly.  

I'm skeptical as this is strike two after backing out with the tail gate up.  That caused more damage to the tail gate than the garage door though.  

[TrashMaster G 18030]

59 minutes ago, Elvis said:

It's a tale as old as time. 

Wife is backing out of the garage and scrapes the shark fin antenna thing off of her Q5, taking out the bottom garage door panel in the process.

She claims that her phone fell onto the garaged door opener fob in the console, bringing it down unexpectedly.  

I'm skeptical as this is strike two after backing out with the tail gate up.  That caused more damage to the tail gate than the garage door though.  

I think I would make it a rule that her driving responsibilities begin/end in the driveway.  Garage is off limits unless a male is behind the wheel.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22241]

2 hours ago, Elvis said:

She claims that her phone fell onto the garaged door opener fob in the console, bringing it down unexpectedly.  

So her excuse is that she was texting while backing out of the garage and accidentally dropped the phone on the garage door opener?

[Hmbre97 6337]

6 hours ago, Elvis said:

She claims that her phone fell onto the garaged door opener fob in the console, bringing it down unexpectedly.  

  

[NWBuck 8619]

On 5/16/2022 at 3:43 PM, Beau Vine said:

Closest most of us ever get to forking with the wife

 

(unless it's someone else's wife, that is)

[NeverMarryAStripper 22241]

Yeah, but it looks like she wants to spoon too

[Nivek 17330]

My wife drove us home from our daughter's recital today.   I feel the need to apologize to everyone who has ever driven near her.   5 times I had to let her know the light was green.   2x I had to tell her to stop to avoid rear-ending the car in front of us.   

[ztejas 44114]

8 minutes ago, Nivek said:

I feel the need to apologize to everyone who has ever driven near her.

It's okay the sex makes up for it. 

[Kennythetiger 9584]

How much did you have to drink at the recital?  

[Nivek 17330]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

How much did you have to drink at the recital?  

not enough.

[Flg8rfan 201]

Apparently we use way more forks than knives or spoons. We had 3 Sams sized boxes of asst cutlery in the cabinet and zero forks. While at Sams, wife tried to grab yet another box of assorted. I put it back on the shelf and grabbed the forks only box. It’s the small victories.

[Not that Bob 743]

4 hours ago, Nivek said:

My wife drove us home from our daughter's recital today.   I feel the need to apologize to everyone who has ever driven near her.   5 times I had to let her know the light was green.   2x I had to tell her to stop to avoid rear-ending the car in front of us.   

Mine rides in the blind spot, for fucking ever. I tell her go on and pass. She says she’s afraid they’ll change lanes. I say so go on and just ride behind them but get out of the fucking blind spot. Dammit!!

Tone. 

[tx ind 7056]

Pretty sure it's been mentioned by others, but how do wives seem to have some sort of radar sense that requires them to reach down into a purse or whatever bag is at her feet blocking the line of sight into the passenger mirror at the absolute worst time.

[Nivek 17330]

On 5/16/2022 at 5:43 PM, Beau Vine said:

Mine didn't ziplock them.   Just let them free float in the drawer until I got sick of it.   She has been organizing shit that didn't need to be organized today and ignoring the shit that needs to be organized.   So I found a baseball backpack with all of the gloves tossed out of it on the bedroom floor.   Thanks honey.  It was really causing a problem on my side of the closet.

 

 

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

On 5/16/2022 at 6:43 PM, Beau Vine said:

What? No sporks?

[Sandman 3427]

Went on a road trip with the wife for our anniversary this past weekend. She doesn't seem to know left from right, can't look up anything on google maps, can't judge distance. It was all I could do to keep from blowing up at her. I did get laid a couple of times, so I guess it was worth it.

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

12 hours ago, Sandman said:

She doesn't seem to know left from right, can't look up anything on google maps, can't judge distance.

Congrats on confirming that you married a woman.

[Scheiss Meister 8449]

15 hours ago, Sandman said:

Went on a road trip with the wife for our anniversary this past weekend. She doesn't seem to know left from right, can't look up anything on google maps, can't judge distance. It was all I could do to keep from blowing up at her. I did get laid a couple of times, so I guess it was worth it.

As you grow old together and your love matures further, the only part of that story that will change is that you won't get laid.

[TrashMaster G 18030]

On 5/23/2022 at 7:20 PM, Sandman said:

Went on a road trip with the wife for our anniversary this past weekend. She doesn't seem to know left from right, can't look up anything on google maps, can't judge distance. It was all I could do to keep from blowing up at her. I did get laid a couple of times, so I guess it was worth it.

Does the wife know?

[Al_4_ISU 12612]

We have a dishwasher that works perfectly fine.  Cleans everything the first time.  Nothing wrong with it, wife has never complained.

About once a week, usually right after she gets done cooking or prepping something, she decides rather than to use it, she'll wash the dishes by hand in the sink.  Then she expects me to help dry.  I respond with "why not just use the dishwasher?".  But she wants it done NOW, not in an hour.  So either I dry the dishes that could just be machine washed and dried, or I get to be the asshole.

[luke duke 6445]

We have a dishwasher that works perfectly fine.  Cleans everything the first time.  Nothing wrong with it, wife has never complained.
About once a week, usually right after she gets done cooking or prepping something, she decides rather than to use it, she'll wash the dishes by hand in the sink.  Then she expects me to help dry.  I respond with "why not just use the dishwasher?".  But she wants it done NOW, not in an hour.  So either I dry the dishes that could just be machine washed and dried, or I get to be the asshole.

Is this a humblebrag? Your wife cooks and cleans up afterward and you’re complaining?