Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[TrashMaster G 18030]

5 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

We have a dishwasher that works perfectly fine.  Cleans everything the first time.  Nothing wrong with it, wife has never complained.

Is she hot?

[Al_4_ISU 12612]

17 hours ago, luke duke said:

Is this a humblebrag? Your wife cooks and cleans up afterward and you’re complaining?

It certainly wasn't intended as that.  But she enjoys cooking and is good at it.  I'm just annoyed that she's going out of her way to prevent me from using a more efficient, less labor intensive means of cleaning, and then expecting me to participate in it.  I'm down to clean, but why do we have to do it by hand to get it done quicker when we have a machine that does it?

[Pato del Muerto 53331]

11 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

It certainly wasn't intended as that.  But she enjoys cooking and is good at it.  I'm just annoyed that she's going out of her way to prevent me from using a more efficient, less labor intensive means of cleaning, and then expecting me to participate in it.  I'm down to clean, but why do we have to do it by hand to get it done quicker when we have a machine that does it?

Tell her you refuse to participate in an antiquated system that rapes our environment, when you already own the superior system that will save water. 

[Butch Had Not 3053]

Wife: What time do you want dinner?

 

Me: 6 

 

Wife: that's too early,  how about 7?

 

Why the hell you ask the question just to immediately set your preferred time?

 

This legit happens 3 times a week.

[mooseoutfront 3646]

51 minutes ago, Butch Had Not said:

Wife: What time do you want dinner?

 

Me: 6 

 

Wife: that's too early,  how about 7?

 

Why the hell you ask the question just to immediately set your preferred time?

 

This legit happens 3 times a week.

The flip side of this conversation:

 

Wife:  What time do you want dinner?

Me:  Whenever you want is fine with me.

Wife:  Why can't you ever help me and just make a decision?

Me:  Fuck me, Walter.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8963]

Wife: What time do you want dinner?
 
Me: 6 
 
Wife: that's too early,  how about 7?
 
Why the hell you ask the question just to immediately set your preferred time?
 
This legit happens 3 times a week.

4 is early.

5 is pushing it but doable

6 is normal, or the goal

7 is late, but normal depending on schedule

8 is you may as well wait for your bedtime snack, so cereal.

In what world is 6 too early?

[Sbbruin 22082]

7 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

4 is early.

5 is pushing it but doable

6 is normal, or the goal

7 is late, but normal depending on schedule

8 is you may as well wait for your bedtime snack, so cereal.

In what world is 6 too early?

 

Edited June 6, 2022 by Sbbruin

[Gene Parmesan 4062]

4 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

4 is early.

5 is pushing it but doable

6 is normal, or the goal

7 is late, but normal depending on schedule

8 is you may as well wait for your bedtime snack, so cereal.

In what world is 6 too early?

[Mo Horn 8933]

1 hour ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

In what world is 6 too early?

Most of it that isn't the US.

[Butch Had Not 3053]

It's all over the place with dinner time.  She is home from work as early as 4 or as late as 8 depending on the day. So we don't have an established dinner time for ourselves. The boy has his own dinner time because he has autism and is already picky enough. 

[Celery Man 21076]

Wife just texted me this and I think I’m having a panic attack

https://www.vrbo.com/1954075?fbclid=IwAR1ePD9xcGnH88p7A3q3VdTQ902lax9FSwyg1AEF739byhp2pLnJci5qY4w

 

[Brisketexan 106618]

Wife just texted me this and I think I’m having a panic attack
https://www.vrbo.com/1954075?fbclid=IwAR1ePD9xcGnH88p7A3q3VdTQ902lax9FSwyg1AEF739byhp2pLnJci5qY4w
 

Why? Cuz you don’t know how you’ll choose between the car or the choo-choo?

[Celery Man 21076]

Man she’s not thinking of a trip to Florida this is going on her Pinterest

[Js1 86938]

4 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Why? Cuz you don’t know how you’ll choose between the car or the choo-choo?

[Modessit 5665]

Wife: What time do you want dinner?
 
Me: 6 
 
Wife: that's too early,  how about 7?
 

Me: I won't be hungry at 7.

Wife: Why not?

Me: Because I'm eating at 6.

[Hmbre97 6337]

On 6/9/2022 at 7:52 PM, Celery Man said:

Wife just texted me this and I think I’m having a panic attack

https://www.vrbo.com/1954075?fbclid=IwAR1ePD9xcGnH88p7A3q3VdTQ902lax9FSwyg1AEF739byhp2pLnJci5qY4w

 

 

"You don't like it? I thought for sure you'd love it. You were talking in your sleep the other night and I heard you saying something about running a train in the bedroom. You never mentioned you were into trains now but I thought this would be perfect."

[wd40 1976]

On 6/9/2022 at 8:00 PM, Brisketexan said:

Why? Cuz you don’t know how you’ll choose between the car or the choo-choo?

great.  now I got Fast Car playing in my left ear and Chattanooga Choo-Choo in my right.

[Pato del Muerto 53331]

On 6/6/2022 at 10:46 AM, Butch Had Not said:

Wife: What time do you want dinner?

 

Me: 6 

 

Wife: that's too early,  how about 7?

 

Why the hell you ask the question just to immediately set your preferred time?

 

This legit happens 3 times a week.

Because if you happen to to choose the time she wanted, she can martyr herself and accept your proposed time.  And if you don’t, she can display dominance in saying no. 
 

Can’t do either of those things if you don’t give a time first, which is why “I don’t care” is an unacceptable answer. 

[Beau Vine 55822]

23 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Because if you happen to to choose the time she wanted, she can martyr herself and accept your proposed time.  And if you don’t, she can display dominance in saying no. 
 

Can’t do either of those things if you don’t give a time first, which is why “I don’t care” is an unacceptable answer. 

[wd40 1976]

the last part first:

I needed some bread crumbs for tonight's dinner recipe.   I pulled this out of the cabinet:  empty, except for the egg shells.

 must have been from when she made meatballs, however many weeks ago.

corking the empty wine bottle and leaving it on the counter every time is annoying, but whatever.  this?  come the fuck on.

 

 

[Incredulity 11861]

1 hour ago, wd40 said:

the last part first:

I needed some bread crumbs for tonight's dinner recipe.   I pulled this out of the cabinet:  empty, except for the egg shells.

 must have been from when she made meatballs, however many weeks ago.

corking the empty wine bottle and leaving it on the counter every time is annoying, but whatever.  this?  come the fuck on.

 

 

[Not that Bob 743]

3 hours ago, wd40 said:

the last part first:

I needed some bread crumbs for tonight's dinner recipe.   I pulled this out of the cabinet:  empty, except for the egg shells.

 must have been from when she made meatballs, however many weeks ago.

corking the empty wine bottle and leaving it on the counter every time is annoying, but whatever.  this?  come the fuck on.

 

 

Perhaps the empty wine bottle is of signifIcance. 

[HenryJames 67116]

On 6/9/2022 at 7:52 PM, Celery Man said:

Wife just texted me this and I think I’m having a panic attack

https://www.vrbo.com/1954075?fbclid=IwAR1ePD9xcGnH88p7A3q3VdTQ902lax9FSwyg1AEF739byhp2pLnJci5qY4w

 

I'd totally stay at @Mitch Cumsteen's.

[SHOOTER12 8882]

10 hours ago, Not that Bob said:

Perhaps the empty wine bottle is of signifIcance. 

Johnny Depp came by?

[HOOKEM4 5151]

On 6/9/2022 at 7:52 PM, Celery Man said:

Wife just texted me this and I think I’m having a panic attack

https://www.vrbo.com/1954075?fbclid=IwAR1ePD9xcGnH88p7A3q3VdTQ902lax9FSwyg1AEF739byhp2pLnJci5qY4w

 

Just go with this one then!

https://www.vrbo.com/1829369

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

19 hours ago, wd40 said:

the last part first:

I needed some bread crumbs for tonight's dinner recipe.   I pulled this out of the cabinet:  empty, except for the egg shells.

 must have been from when she made meatballs, however many weeks ago.

corking the empty wine bottle and leaving it on the counter every time is annoying, but whatever.  this?  come the fuck on.

What the actual fuck? Be honest, she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, can’t she? That or she’s filthy rich. Those are the only excuses. 

[General Specific 3484]

What the actual fuck? Be honest, she can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, can’t she? That or she’s filthy rich. Those are the only excuses. 

There are many excuses, but those two are the only acceptable ones!

[Mo Horn 8933]

I'm watching the US Open this morning and go to take a quick shower. I come out and Mrs Mo tells me simply "Jordan is in the sand". Yes, I realize she's trying to be helpful, but if I was with either of my boys, or anyone else who's watching,  they would have said, "Jordan is on the drivable 5th hole and hit his tee shot into the front left greenside bunker." Just had to laugh to myself. 

[tbone_ 14409]

You did marry a woman, correct?

[Mo Horn 8933]

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

You did marry a woman, correct?

Fair point. The funny thing is that she really is a big sports fan, and actually very knowledgeable. Her ability to describe, or give any play by play, is a constant joke in our family. 

Edited June 18, 2022 by Mo Horn

[Pig Bellmont 8867]

4 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

I'm watching the US Open this morning and go to take a quick shower. I come out and Mrs Mo tells me simply "Jordan is in the sand". Yes, I realize she's trying to be helpful, but if I was with either of my boys, or anyone else who's watching,  they would have said, "Jordan is on the drivable 5th hole and hit his tee shot into the front left greenside bunker." Just had to laugh to myself. 

This… this isn’t really what this thread is about. 

[ChickenSandwich 9918]

6 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

I'm watching the US Open this morning and go to take a quick shower. I come out and Mrs Mo tells me simply "Jordan is in the sand". Yes, I realize she's trying to be helpful, but if I was with either of my boys, or anyone else who's watching,  they would have said, "Jordan is on the drivable 5th hole and hit his tee shot into the front left greenside bunker." Just had to laugh to myself. 

Spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff 

[nnm 37737]

We have a colleague staying with us for a couple of weeks. I’m out of town and she arrived last night. She’s from the UK and when I talked to her by phone yesterday she was laughing about how big a vehicle they gave her at the rental place. She didn’t know what car (brand, make, model) it was. 
This morning I asked Mrs. NNM if guest got there ok, if everything was good. I also asked what kind of car guest has.
The answer was “black.”  

[ss13 1832]

Dude, you have had a rough go of it lately. First your lie about negs, now this fucking awful story. Step away from the keyboard for awhile. 

[Sam Lin 3590]

Pics of colleague?

[ABSR 5357]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

We have a colleague staying with us for a couple of weeks. I’m out of town and she arrived last night. She’s from the UK and when I talked to her by phone yesterday she was laughing about how big a vehicle they gave her at the rental place. She didn’t know what car (brand, make, model) it was. 
This morning I asked Mrs. NNM if guest got there ok, if everything was good. I also asked what kind of car guest has.
The answer was “black.”  

If she said "white" or "asian" would you have made fun of your colleague?

[Beau Vine 55822]

4 hours ago, nnm said:

We have a colleague staying with us for a couple of weeks. I’m out of town and she arrived last night. She’s from the UK and when I talked to her by phone yesterday she was laughing about how big a vehicle they gave her at the rental place. She didn’t know what car (brand, make, model) it was. 
This morning I asked Mrs. NNM if guest got there ok, if everything was good. I also asked what kind of car guest has.
The answer was “black.”  

[NeverMarryAStripper 22241]

9 hours ago, nnm said:

We have a colleague staying with us for a couple of weeks. I’m out of town and she arrived last night. She’s from the UK and when I talked to her by phone yesterday she was laughing about how big a vehicle they gave her at the rental place. She didn’t know what car (brand, make, model) it was. 
This morning I asked Mrs. NNM if guest got there ok, if everything was good. I also asked what kind of car guest has.
The answer was “black.”  

All I got out of that story was you're having a threesome

[MNLonghornFUKM 8963]

All I got out of that story was you're having a threesome

Is that doable in the back of a full size Camry, Altima or something similar?

[General Specific 3484]

Is that doable in the back of a full size Camry, Altima or something similar?

My college days say yes, yes you can! YMMV

[Dbeasy 15526]

ESPN is on the TV. Highlights of Astros no hitter vs Yankees. 

Wife turns to me with a confused look on her face. I ask, “What?”  She says, “that wasn’t a no hitter.” 

Now I’m confused, and ask “Why not?” She says, “The Yankee players are hitting it.” 

It takes me a second, then I realize she thinks that because the Yankees made contact with the ball, it’s not a no hitter. Her definition of a no hitter is to never make contact with the ball the whole game. 

Edited June 26, 2022 by Dbeasy

[Kennythetiger 9584]

Your wife is trying to participate in sports with you?  Thank you for sharing but your post goes somewhere else. 

[Incredulity 11861]

This thread needs less policing and more commiserating.

WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.  If we can’t hold together in this common fight, we die.  Plain as that.

[Scheiss Meister 8449]

2 hours ago, Dbeasy said:

ESPN is on the TV. Highlights of Astros no hitter vs Yankees. 

Wife turns to me with a confused look on her face. I ask, “What?”  She says, “that wasn’t a no hitter.” 

Now I’m confused, and ask “Why not?” She says, “The Yankee players are hitting it.” 

It takes me a second, then I realize she thinks that because the Yankees made contact with the ball, it’s not a no hitter. Her definition of a no hitter is to never make contact with the ball the whole game. 

There are two things that I have to explain to my wife three times every baseball season: contact with the ball is not a hit, and "four foul balls you're out" is not the rule in college or pro ball.  At the beginning of the college season, then again around the CWS or All Star Game, then again during the playoffs.  Every year.  Without fail.  At least she's watching baseball with me, which is nice.

[Reagan1k 3040]

No where else to put this….

My MIL - Her yard man is missing in action.  She’s pissed.  He hasn’t returned calls or texts in 3 weeks.  Odds are currently even that he’s a) died or b) ghosting her bc she’s a miser and probably hasn’t ever paid him a reasonable wage and he’s had it.

She’s treating it like a class B felony and doesn’t know how he sleeps at night bla bla bla. 

MIL asked her neighbor (a licensed landscape architect) for a recommendation and he referred her to his guy who has been doing the architect’s yard for 10 years.

She called today to tell us that on our upcoming trip to see her, she wants me to sit in on the “2nd interview”.  She’s “interviewed” him once but wants a follow-up with me there.  The fact that he’s good enough for a landscape architect isn’t enough.

I’m not sure what her interrogation methods will be and how far into his history we’ll dig, but I’m sure she’ll start any wage offer at somewhere below the net cost of the gas required to run the mower.

 

[Kennythetiger 9584]

Son-in-law needs to put his damn phone down and mow his loving mother-in-law’s lawn. 

[General Specific 3484]

Son-in-law needs to put his damn phone down and mow his loving mother-in-law’s lawn. 

[Grade of D as in David 13255]

2 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

No where else to put this….

My MIL - Her yard man is missing in action.  She’s pissed.  He hasn’t returned calls or texts in 3 weeks.  Odds are currently even that he’s a) died or b) ghosting her bc she’s a miser and probably hasn’t ever paid him a reasonable wage and he’s had it.

She’s treating it like a class B felony and doesn’t know how he sleeps at night bla bla bla. 

MIL asked her neighbor (a licensed landscape architect) for a recommendation and he referred her to his guy who has been doing the architect’s yard for 10 years.

She called today to tell us that on our upcoming trip to see her, she wants me to sit in on the “2nd interview”.  She’s “interviewed” him once but wants a follow-up with me there.  The fact that he’s good enough for a landscape architect isn’t enough.

I’m not sure what her interrogation methods will be and how far into his history we’ll dig, but I’m sure she’ll start any wage offer at somewhere below the net cost of the gas required to run the mower.

 

Did she make him send in a resume?

How does the yard and tree in his resume picture look?

[Sam Lin 3590]

12 hours ago, Incredulity said:

 If we can’t hold together in this common fight, we die.  

Hate to break it to you, but we are already dead.

[Incredulity 11861]

29 minutes ago, Sam Lin said:

Hate to break it to you, but we are already dead.