Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[CycleTex87 2,953]

12 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Lol.  Somewhere on this thread I pointed out that my wife (and kids) will leave recycled items at the base of our back door.  If you open the back door to the porch, the large, Rubbermaid recycling container is right there.  I measured.  24 inches from the "settling" spot to the container on the other side of the door.

This morning - 2 aluminum cans, 3 cardboard boxes, 3 plastic bottles - 2 feet from the container.

Somebody must come along and put that stuff in the recycle bin so they don't have to.  Win Win!

[NorthLoop 14,092]

My wife at least tries to make it in the trash/recycle can, but she often misses. She gives me the whole "I just have really bad aim"..... apparently her bad aim also causes her to just leave whatever it is on the floor.  

[ABSR 5,289]

11 hours ago, Lhorn said:

She’s not a bad cook preparer, she’s a lazy, careless cook preparer. 

 

Heating up frozen items isn't cooking, it's defrosting and/or warming.

[Trey3216 15,325]

Come home the other day for lunch and the trash can in the kitchen is full.  I had just changed it out that morning so I'm wondering how on earth it could already be full by lunch.  Look further into the bag and it has an empty Distilled Water gallon container and an empty gallon of tea container in it taking up 80% of the room.  I look at her and can only muster this response as I tote them outside to the recycling bin...

[TrashMaster G 17,388]

On 7/12/2022 at 7:03 PM, Knoxtnhorn said:

Still no job.  She's down to about 3 weeks before her disability runs out.  I have already made it perfectly clear that there is no way in hell she's going to end up in my house.  Wife agrees.

She ain't moving in.  She's going on your payroll!

[TrashMaster G 17,388]

19 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

I know this is small potato's to some of the shit some of y'all are dealing with, but....

potato's????  Wtf?

[nnm 36,094]

36 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

potato's????  Wtf?

[harpercollins 394]

It was probably an autocorrect. Drives me insane—WHY would that be the default? An extra apostrophe is so much more offensive than a missing one.

[deadshank 24,651]

DS: Hey, we're almost out of dog food.  Want me to swing by the  pet store and pick up some or are we to order it on-line?

Mrs. DS:  What's easiest for you?

DS:  On-line.

Mrs. DS:  Okay, I'll order it and have it delivered to your warehouse.

DS:  Okay.  Great.  Thanks.

(three days later)

DS:  Hey, babe, I'm home and I have dog food out in the truck.

Mrs. DS:  Oh, okay.  How many sacks?  

DS: Two.

Mrs. DS: TWO? ONLY TWO SACKS OF DOG FOOD?  WHY ARE THERE ONLY TWO SACKS  OF DOG FOOD?

DS:  Uh, I don't know.

Mrs. DS:  WHY DON'T YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE  ONLY TWO SACKS OF DOG FOOD?

DS:  Well, I didn't order the dog food.  You did.  Why are you raising your voice over only two sacks of dog food?

Mrs. DS:  I wasn't raising my voice.  I was just checking.

[deadshank 24,651]

It gets better.

We've been getting potential rolling black outs in our neighborhood.  According to Hoyle, the natural gas-powered back up generator has been firing up and running the house.

Mrs. DS just texted to ask when the last time I checked the generator to see if it had enough fuel in it.

Oh, my.

[Scheiss Meister 8,399]

45 minutes ago, deadshank said:

It gets better.

We've been getting potential rolling black outs in our neighborhood.  According to Hoyle, the natural gas-powered back up generator has been firing up and running the house.

Mrs. DS just texted to ask when the last time I checked the generator to see if it had enough fuel in it.

Oh, my.

I think I know, but I don't want to assume.  You're not on a silver bullet, are you?

[MissingInAction 24,817]

On 7/13/2022 at 3:51 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

God i can't wait until Thanksgiving...

Wife : What do we need to bring to Knox's for Thanksgiving?

Me : Just a big fucking tub of popcorn.

I've got nowhere to be, mind if I join the fun?

[deadshank 24,651]

46 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

I think I know, but I don't want to assume.  You're not on a silver bullet, are you?

“On a silver bullet”?  No comprende 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

6 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

My wife at least tries to make it in the trash/recycle can, but she often misses. She gives me the whole "I just have really bad aim"..... apparently her bad aim also causes her to just leave whatever it is on the floor.  

Start peeing on the floor.  When she complains just tell her you have really bad aim.

[Scheiss Meister 8,399]

8 minutes ago, deadshank said:

“On a silver bullet”?  No comprende 

Do you have a big silver gas tank in the yard, or are you on piped natural gas?  Since you say natural gas instead of propane, I'm assuming that it's piped to your home, and the generator is fueled from that.

Around my parts, propane tanks, which are usually painted silver, are euphemistically called "silver bullets".

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

6 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

My wife at least tries to make it in the trash/recycle can, but she often misses. She gives me the whole "I just have really bad aim"..... apparently her bad aim also causes her to just leave whatever it is on the floor.  

 

14 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Start peeing on the floor.  When she complains just tell her you have really bad aim.

Or just blame your poor aim the next time you have sex and you "accidentally" chuck it in her dumpah.

[Tylerocks 2,551]

The recycling bin is another point of contention.  She puts boxes in whole without breaking them down.

 

 

 

[deadshank 24,651]

50 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Do you have a big silver gas tank in the yard, or are you on piped natural gas?  Since you say natural gas instead of propane, I'm assuming that it's piped to your home, and the generator is fueled from that.

Around my parts, propane tanks, which are usually painted silver, are euphemistically called "silver bullets".

Ah!  Thanks.

Piped  in NG.

[Scheiss Meister 8,399]

3 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Ah!  Thanks.

Piped  in NG.

Aha! So she's right; you haven't checked the fuel level.

[deadshank 24,651]

3 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Aha! So she's right; you haven't checked the fuel level.

 

[SHOOTER12 8,789]

19 hours ago, Lhorn said:

My 9 yo had a friend over while we are packing stuff for a move. Wife decided to make dinner of tater tots, Dino nuggets for the kids and chicken apple sausage.  Keep it simple, fine with me. 
Spills Dino nuggets on the floor walking from the garage fridge to the kitchen.  Decides to put everything on the grill since it’s hot and don’t want to turn on the oven. Also fine.  Puts food on the grill, walks away for 15 minutes and burns most of the food.  Cut off MOST of the burnt part and serve to your family….. her typical home cooked meal.  Then get angry at me when I mention that she burns a lot meals.  

She’s not a bad cook, she’s a lazy, careless cook. 
 

 

She must be the hottest baby I could ever imagine. 

[SHOOTER12 8,789]

6 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

potato's????  Wtf?

 

5 hours ago, nnm said:

Taters you damned heathens.

[tx ind 6,999]

1 hour ago, Tylerocks said:

The recycling bin is another point of contention.  She puts boxes in whole without breaking them down.

 

 

 

This used to let this piss me off as my wife leaves the whole boxes by the backdoor.  Now I just use that as an excuse to take them out and break them down (and chug a beer or 2 from the garage fridge).

[Anastasis 23,395]

My wife has this uncanny ability to stack shit in front of fucking doors. Doesn't matter if it is my closet door, bathroom door, the door to our small garage, or the main door to the big garage. Boxes, shoes, clothes hamper, trash, doesn't fucking matter.  If it can get in the way of opening a door she will find a way to put that shit right in the gotdamned path. 

[Trey3216 15,325]

14 hours ago, tx ind said:

This used to let this piss me off as my wife leaves the whole boxes by the backdoor.  Now I just use that as an excuse to take them out and break them down (and chug a beer or 2 from the garage fridge).

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,724]

My 9 yo had a friend over while we are packing stuff for a move. Wife decided to make dinner of tater tots, Dino nuggets for the kids and chicken apple sausage.  Keep it simple, fine with me. 
Spills Dino nuggets on the floor walking from the garage fridge to the kitchen.  Decides to put everything on the grill since it’s hot and don’t want to turn on the oven. Also fine.  Puts food on the grill, walks away for 15 minutes and burns most of the food.  Cut off MOST of the burnt part and serve to your family….. her typical home cooked meal.  Then get angry at me when I mention that she burns a lot meals.  
She’s not a bad cook, she’s a lazy, careless cook. 
 

 

Brother Noomsie?
It is guaranteed that if my wife is boiling anything it will spill over. It happens every single time. Our son jokes about it now too.
Her cooking is to ignore any sort of directions, turn everything to high and flash burn most items.
I don’t say a word though as I’m no dummy.

[Wiler77 1,558]

I love that no one can read more than 5 posts on this thread without the following reaction.

 

 

This one did it for me.  It always shocks me because:

1. she's really smart

2. she loves to cook

44 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

It is guaranteed that if my wife is boiling anything it will spill over. It happens every single time. 
Her cooking is to ignore any sort of directions, turn everything to high and flash burn most items.

 

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

The higher you set it the faster it cooks! It’s science. Same physics as the lower you set a thermostat the harder it will work to get there.  (Which may be true for some multi stage systems but let’s not pretend they know that)

[SHOOTER12 8,789]

2 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Brother Noomsie?
It is guaranteed that if my wife is boiling anything it will spill over. It happens every single time. Our son jokes about it now too.
Her cooking is to ignore any sort of directions, turn everything to high and flash burn most items.
I don’t say a word though as I’m no dummy.

No dummy? You got married didn't you?

[Biff Tannen 45,494]

2 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

The higher you set it the faster it cooks! It’s science. Same physics as the lower you set a thermostat the harder it will work to get there.  (Which may be true for some multi stage systems but let’s not pretend they know that)

This is in my top 3 most enraging behaviors.  Setting the fucking thermostat to 55 in the summer or 95 in the winter doesn't make it get colder or hotter faster.  They just cannot grasp that concept.

[Party_Taco 3,674]

My wife has this uncanny ability to stack shit in front of fucking doors. Doesn't matter if it is my closet door, bathroom door, the door to our small garage, or the main door to the big garage. Boxes, shoes, clothes hamper, trash, doesn't fucking matter.  If it can get in the way of opening a door she will find a way to put that shit right in the gotdamned path. 

My favorite is the staging of numerous bulky items on the stairs, often for days at a time.

“They’re there to remind me to take them up!”

Well, I’m certainly reminded every time I traverse the stairs, and abundantly so when I’m taking the dogs out the next morning… I’m half convinced she’s trying to take me out.

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

3 minutes ago, Party_Taco said:

My favorite is the staging of numerous bulky items on the stairs, often for days at a time.

“They’re there to remind me to take them up!”

Well, I’m certainly reminded every time I traverse the stairs, and abundantly so when I’m taking the dogs out the next morning… I’m half convinced she’s trying to take me out.

[NWBuck 8,547]

15 hours ago, Party_Taco said:

My favorite is the staging of numerous bulky items on the stairs, often for days at a time.

“They’re there to remind me to take them up!”

Well, I’m certainly reminded every time I traverse the stairs, and abundantly so when I’m taking the dogs out the next morning… I’m half convinced she’s trying to take me out.

Every time you come down the stairs, move them one step down. When they're at the landing, start moving them towards the door.

I did this with a pair of shoes and a bag of knitting supplies. Once they were on the porch and headed down the stairs towards the sidewalk, somebody got the hint and put them where they should have been to begin with.

[Party_Taco 3,674]

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

On 7/15/2022 at 8:31 PM, Biff Tannen said:

This is in my top 3 most enraging behaviors.  Setting the fucking thermostat to 55 in the summer or 95 in the winter doesn't make it get colder or hotter faster.  They just cannot grasp that concept.

Every woman:

[SHOOTER12 8,789]

On 7/17/2022 at 2:20 AM, NWBuck said:

Every time you come down the stairs, move them one step down. When they're at the landing, start moving them towards the door.

I did this with a pair of shoes and a bag of knitting supplies. Once they were on the porch and headed down the stairs towards the sidewalk, somebody got the hint and put them where they should have been to begin with.

Pure genius,  I'm adding that to my repertoire immediately. 

[Sbbruin 21,734]

On 7/16/2022 at 9:10 AM, Party_Taco said:

My favorite is the staging of numerous bulky items on the stairs, often for days at a time.

“They’re there to remind me to take them up!”

Well, I’m certainly reminded every time I traverse the stairs, and abundantly so when I’m taking the dogs out the next morning… I’m half convinced she’s trying to take me out.

My wife is notorious for putting things just outside the back door, with the "intent" of putting them in the garage...eventually.  There ae 2 large storage boxes right outside our back door that have been there for months.  It's a duel to see who'll break first.  I'm digging my heels in on this one.

[NWBuck 8,547]

2 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

My wife is notorious for putting things just outside the back door, with the "intent" of putting them in the garage...eventually.  There ae 2 large storage boxes right outside our back door that have been there for months.  It's a duel to see who'll break first.  I'm digging my heels in on this one.

Put them in the driver's seat of her car

[Ojo Rojo 1,902]

My kids begged for a dog for a couple of years.  We resisted.  We just didn't want to take on another thing.  Earlier this year we felt like the kids were older and more manageable and we started thinking that our oldest is already 11 and if we were going to have a family dog it was now or never.  So we agreed.  But we also wanted to use it to our advantage and also teach our kids a valuable lesson.  So my wife made up this system where each of our kids could earn a "puppy sticker" each day and when they got to 30 we could get a dog.  When they got close I started researching types of dogs and where to get them.  I looked at a lot of dogs online and would send photos and information to my wife, who always provided feedback.  When it came time to actually go see dogs my wife came with and participated fully.  When we finally found the right dog for us, my wife claimed that she is the one who saw the dog first.  My wife was 100% fully on board with getting this dog and participated in every step of the process.

We're fighting right now and I got a text from her earlier today that said, "I told you, please no dog. I am worried about another huge thing and the timing is not good.  We get a dog anyway." Basically blaming me because we got a dog when she supposedly told me she didn't want to. Narrator:  She never told me that.  Also narrator: She participated in the entire process of getting the dog.

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

That's on you for not being able to read her mind.

[Fudbelty 2,785]

My only rule for dogs has been no big dogs. Big dogs take big shits.

[Kennythetiger 9,334]

And they eat a lot of food. 

[Ojo Rojo 1,902]

Yeah, I think a big part of the problem is that we ended up getting a dog that I liked and not one that she liked.  She has a thing where she thinks I always get my way, which is not true. To her, this was just another instance. I think she wanted a smaller dog. I made it known that I wanted a medium sized dog like a lab or a golden. She looked at a bunch of breeds and decided that the ideal dog for us was a goldador. We got the dog at a shelter so we didn't have a lot of choice of breed, but we ended up getting a dog that is almost 100% yellow lab. Her resenting me is part of my punishment for getting what I wanted I guess.

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

Small dogs are cats. 

[Fudbelty 2,785]

Cats don’t do this

Kids are trailing behind.

[NWBuck 8,547]

2 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Small dogs are cats. 

 

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

11 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

She has a thing where she thinks I always get my way,

Female math.

She gets her way 98% of the time.

You get your way 2% of the time.

Therefore, you get you always get your way (because she only remembers the 2%)

[Ojo Rojo 1,902]

2 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Female math.

She gets her way 98% of the time.

You get your way 2% of the time.

Therefore, you get you always get your way (because she only remembers the 2%)

Similar to female relationship accounting.  On the credits/debits system, if I do one hundred good things and one bad thing I have a negative balance.  The good things were never deposited. It's fucked.

[shakahorn 1,627]

15 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Yeah, I think a big part of the problem is that we ended up getting a dog that I liked and not one that she liked.  She has a thing where she thinks I always get my way, which is not true. To her, this was just another instance. I think she wanted a smaller dog. I made it known that I wanted a medium sized dog like a lab or a golden. She looked at a bunch of breeds and decided that the ideal dog for us was a goldador. We got the dog at a shelter so we didn't have a lot of choice of breed, but we ended up getting a dog that is almost 100% yellow lab. Her resenting me is part of my punishment for getting what I wanted I guess.

I was following this and assuming at some point you were gonna say 'and then we bought a x thousand dollar specialty breed.'  So good on you for getting a shelter dog.

[Kennythetiger 9,334]

12 minutes ago, shakahorn said:

I was following this and assuming at some point you were gonna say 'and then we bought a x thousand dollar specialty breed.'  So good on you for getting a shelter dog.

My shelter dog has been bitten by a rattlesnake and has had four surgeries for fighting badgers. I should have bought a x thousand dollar specialty breed.