Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[LW Goatman 1117]

On 7/19/2022 at 3:26 PM, Beau Vine said:

Labs, Aussies, border collies, bassets = medium

Pyrs, goldens, huskies, GSDs = large

Danes, Berners, Newfies, mastiffs = XL

Labs and goldens are typically the same size class. Siberian huskies, on average, are a smaller breed than both of those retrievers. German shepherds are in the same weight class, though on the average high end slightly larger than a labrador, which is on average slightly larger than a golden. 

[Nivek 16859]

1 hour ago, Mudcat35 said:

My wife was just looking for the keys to her car.  Asked me where they were.  Again - HER CAR.  I don't know, but I pointed her toward the spare set.  She accused me of having them in my pants.  Nope.  HER CAR.  She continues to look and says "I know I didn't leave them in the car" and walks out the door to go check.  She doesn't come back.  Car's gone.  Guess she found the keys.

Um, if you roll back some pages, you can see how this ends.  With me giving my wife my old car, and getting a new car.   

[Dennis Taylor 18706]

4 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Check your DVR.  If she has this auto-recording, go ahead and pack your shit:

And @Nivek is Kevin backwards so you might be onto something 

[Jameslaw121 4445]

8 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

Does everyone just assume at some point that the wife is going to total her car?  I get a call probably every couple of weeks in the morning when she's on the way to work about how she narrowly avoided a wreck and everyone on the road doesn't know how to drive.

too soon.......

[Beau Vine 54001]

11 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

And @Nivek is Kevin backwards so you might be onto something 

[deadshank 24651]

1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

And @Nivek is Kevin backwards so you might be onto something 

I actually met Nivek.  
 

I asked him the significance of his handle. 
 

He said it’s “Kevin” spelled backward. 
 

I have my moments.  
 

That was not one of them. 

[kilroydos 267]

He's a huge Skinny Puppy fan, so....

[Kennythetiger 9334]

Did he look like he could kick a chimpanzee’s ass?  

[deadshank 24651]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Did he look like he could kick a chimpanzee’s ass?  

He looked like he could kick a pizza buffet’s ass 

[Zeus 5950]

Is this the "woman moment" thread?

[CycleTex87 2954]

That escalated in a hurry.gif

[Brew 3045]

Either/or questions apparently can’t be taught to my wife. Even after 20+ years of me trying, she still can’t grasp the concept. Do you want me to put this in the kitchen or living room? Answer:Yes. Do you want pizza or something from home for supper? Answer: No. Am I picking the kids up or are you? Answer: Yes.

I’ve had to retrain my brain to remember that she is answering the “or” part with no regard for the first choice. She apparently only processes the last thing heard which doesn’t surprise me. It annoys me to the point of trying not to even ask the question that way, but one still slips out occasionally.

[txhorns 2408]

33 minutes ago, Brew said:

Either/or questions apparently can’t be taught to my wife. Even after 20+ years of me trying, she still can’t grasp the concept. Do you want me to put this in the kitchen or living room? Answer:Yes. Do you want pizza or something from home for supper? Answer: No. Am I picking the kids up or are you? Answer: Yes.

I’ve had to retrain my brain to remember that she is answering the “or” part with no regard for the first choice. She apparently only processes the last thing heard which doesn’t surprise me. It annoys me to the point of trying not to even ask the question that way, but one still slips out occasionally.

Just ask her every night “Do you want me to get fucked in the ass or do you want me to wash the dishes?”.  When she answers yes to the dishes then just assume she was saying yes to the sex.

[BearMace 2183]

6 minutes ago, txhorns said:

Just ask her every night “Do you want me to get fucked in the ass or do you want me to wash the dishes?”.  When she answers yes to the dishes then just assume she was saying yes to the sex.

NowThis? 

Edited August 2, 2022 by BearMace

[Knoxtnhorn 5930]

This is going to sound like a Nate Bargatz bit but,

Wife calls on the way home with the kids.  They're stopping at Bahama Breeze (snow cone place).  Do I want something?  Sure.  Pina Colada.

15 minutes later.  

Me after taking a sip:  What the hell is this?

Her: Pina colada and pickle juice.

Me:  What?

Her: You asked for pina colada, but I know you also like pickle juice.

Me, taking a deep breath:  

[Kennythetiger 9334]

I hope you traded with her, whether or not she was willing. Or rubbed her nose in it. Either way. 

[Knoxtnhorn 5930]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

I hope you traded with her, whether or not she was willing. Or rubbed her nose in it. Either way. 

She offered to trade.  It was kind of funny.

Edited August 2, 2022 by Knoxtnhorn

[Brew 3045]

5 hours ago, txhorns said:

Just ask her every night “Do you want me to get fucked in the ass or do you want me to wash the dishes?”.  When she answers yes to the dishes then just assume she was saying yes to the sex.

Just for the record both of those options suck. 

[gyroprotagonist 2591]

11 hours ago, Brew said:

Just for the record both of those options suck. 

yeah, after re-reading, maybe txhorns is nowthis?

[nnm 36094]

On 8/2/2022 at 3:30 PM, txhorns said:

Just ask her every night “Do you want me to get fucked in the ass or do you want me to wash the dishes?”.  When she answers yes to the dishes then just assume she was saying yes to the sex.

I don’t think that post actually says what you think it says. Or maybe it does. Prince William, is that you?

[Sbbruin 21734]

On 8/2/2022 at 1:30 PM, txhorns said:

Just ask her every night “Do you want me to get fucked in the ass or do you want me to wash the dishes?”.  When she answers yes to the dishes then just assume she was saying yes to the sex.

[Dutchrudder 11115]

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least, but her friends who are other people's wives have made some weird comments. Stuff like, "Ohhh he's going to make some girl happy some day!"  or commenting on its potential size due to current proportions. I have no idea how big or small it is compared to other baby boys, because I really don't have a frame of reference for this subject, but it's fucking weird. Anyways, if any of you happen to run into this sort of weird shit, the best comment to make IMO is, "Well it runs in the family." and then stare at them. Don't blink, don't smile, completely serious deadpan, and see what they do. 

[Buzzrock 14871]

Had to use her laptop for a minute this morning. 73 Chrome tabs open.

[burntorangebongos 10681]

5 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least, but her friends who are other people's wives have made some weird comments. Stuff like, "Ohhh he's going to make some girl happy some day!"  or commenting on its potential size due to current proportions. I have no idea how big or small it is compared to other baby boys, because I really don't have a frame of reference for this subject, but it's fucking weird. Anyways, if any of you happen to run into this sort of weird shit, the best comment to make IMO is, "Well it runs in the family." and then stare at them. Don't blink, don't smile, completely serious deadpan, and see what they do. 

Who gives a shit though? Just ignore it.

[Mo Horn 8807]

33 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

Had to use her laptop for a minute this morning. 73 Chrome tabs open.

I cannot even look at her phone. Top of the phone shows apps with double digit numbers for notifications, or unread items. Drives me crazy. 

[harpercollins 394]

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least, but her friends who are other people's wives have made some weird comments. Stuff like, "Ohhh he's going to make some girl happy some day!"  or commenting on its potential size due to current proportions. I have no idea how big or small it is compared to other baby boys, because I really don't have a frame of reference for this subject, but it's fucking weird. Anyways, if any of you happen to run into this sort of weird shit, the best comment to make IMO is, "Well it runs in the family." and then stare at them. Don't blink, don't smile, completely serious deadpan, and see what they do. 

This is beyond gross. Your wife needs new friends. 41 year old woman here, and I have never heard this in my life.

[Buzzrock 14871]

For real. That’s fucked up. 

[ztejas 43266]

6 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least, but her friends who are other people's wives have made some weird comments. Stuff like, "Ohhh he's going to make some girl happy some day!"  or commenting on its potential size due to current proportions. I have no idea how big or small it is compared to other baby boys, because I really don't have a frame of reference for this subject, but it's fucking weird. Anyways, if any of you happen to run into this sort of weird shit, the best comment to make IMO is, "Well it runs in the family." and then stare at them. Don't blink, don't smile, completely serious deadpan, and see what they do. 

They probably just want to fuck those babies. 

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

6 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least,

She's used to seeing baby sized penises? 

[WhatTheBuck 28711]

6 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least, but her friends who are other people's wives have made some weird comments. Stuff like, "Ohhh he's going to make some girl happy some day!"  or commenting on its potential size due to current proportions. I have no idea how big or small it is compared to other baby boys, because I really don't have a frame of reference for this subject, but it's fucking weird. Anyways, if any of you happen to run into this sort of weird shit, the best comment to make IMO is, "Well it runs in the family." and then stare at them. Don't blink, don't smile, completely serious deadpan, and see what they do. 

You could alway try turning the tables if any of them have baby girls.

[mininghorn88 2263]

This recent discussion needs to cease.  Do not want the internet overlords to pounce.  Plus it is a strange topic.

[NorthLoop 14092]

Yeah didn't you guys ever watch Boardwalk Empire? 

[NoName 16296]

On 7/29/2022 at 12:09 PM, Mudcat35 said:

My wife was just looking for the keys to her car.  Asked me where they were.  Again - HER CAR.  I don't know, but I pointed her toward the spare set.  She accused me of having them in my pants.  Nope.  HER CAR.  She continues to look and says "I know I didn't leave them in the car" and walks out the door to go check.  She doesn't come back.  Car's gone.  Guess she found the keys.

if this has happened more than about twice...time to buy her an airtag + holder for her keys.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2724]

1 hour ago, Mo Horn said:

I cannot even look at her phone. Top of the phone shows apps with double digit numbers for notifications, or unread items. Drives me crazy. 

My wife's email was not working...she had over 15K unread emails.  

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

25 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife's email was not working...she had over 15K unread emails.  

*All wives. It's fucking insane.

[huge 3788]

3 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

*All wives. It's fucking insane.

Yep.

I finally caved and spent the money for her gmail to be able to hold hundreds of thousands of unread emails (mostly from every shopping site under the sun).

 

My time is valuable enough where I dont need to sit around and delete emails for her.  Because we all know she won't do it herself.

 

 

[SilasCoade 2620]

34 minutes ago, huge said:

Yep.

I finally caved and spent the money for her gmail to be able to hold hundreds of thousands of unread emails (mostly from every shopping site under the sun).

 

My time is valuable enough where I dont need to sit around and delete emails for her.  Because we all know she won't do it herself.

 

 

You can set up filters in gmail for free that would have deleted them for you.

[nnm 36094]

3 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

I cannot even look at her phone. Top of the phone shows apps with double digit numbers for notifications, or unread items. Drives me crazy. 

[Anastasis 23395]

Lulz

 

[huge 3788]

19 minutes ago, Llogg said:

You can set up filters in gmail for free that would have deleted them for you.

teach me more you wizard genius

[Ojo Rojo 1902]

Back during the height of the pandemic my wife applied for and received unemployment. She has a little bit of a weird job where her pay is not hourly or salary and shit got complicated. She also applied for some that she probably wasn't entitled to. I told her not to do that, even though money got a little tight around that time. I didn't really understand everything, I didn't want to know, but I just told her "pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered" and not to push it. Anyway, we're two years on now and she's still fucking with it. The state is trying to recover the money they say she shouldn't have gotten, but from what I understand they are overreaching and trying to take back money she was entitled to. I was sort of disgusted by the whole thing when it first started and I have largely stayed out of it. It's been her thing to deal with. In my opinion, she has fucked it all the way up, it's her fault and I'm not fixing it for her. It pisses me off even thinking about it.

At some point, maybe she got scared or I had a moment of weakness, I made an appearance during one of her hearings with the TWC. (I am a licensed attorney.) I have handled a few wage claim issues with TWC in the past and it is a very aggravating process.

This morning my wife had an appeal hearing. She had asked me to stay home with our kids and dog while she had this hearing.  Sure, no problem. The hearing was at 8:30. I'm downstairs tending to the kids and the dog and scrolling the news on my phone. At 8:30:30 she comes running downstairs and I can hear the hearing officer on speaker asking about her personal representative. Something like, "Do you want your personal representative on this call?" She's looking at me with this deer in the headlights look.  She doesn't know what to do. So I finish slinging breakfast at the kids and haul ass upstairs to my office. I say that I'm present and that kicks off a series of exchanges with the hearing officer where he's berating me for not being present when the hearing started, my wife already said she didn't want her representative present, do not leave the phone again, etc.  Dude is ordering me around and berating me and shit. When I ran up, before I even said anything, he was asking my wife if she'd received certain documents. She was flipping through them in front of me and she said she'd received something that wasn't there. I was like, "Hold on, hold on. She doesn't have that document." Guy tried to shut me down again and told me to be quiet and stop interrupting the hearing.  It sort of went downhill from there for a while until I finally figured out what was going on. She had missed the deadline to file an appeal and it was very clear. The whole hearing was just a dog and pony show. No substantive issues were reached at all. If the fucking guy had just told me that from the beginning I would have just walked out of the room, probably. So, my wife didn't ask me to be part of the hearing or tell me anything about it other than it was happening and then drags me into it while the hearing is in progress with zero preparation. Let alone the fact that she fucked this whole thing up and cost our family thousands of dollars because she tried to fuck around with unemployment.

[nnm 36094]

17 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Back during the height of the pandemic my wife applied for and received unemployment. She has a little bit of a weird job where her pay is not hourly or salary and shit got complicated. She also applied for some that she probably wasn't entitled to. I told her not to do that, even though money got a little tight around that time. I didn't really understand everything, I didn't want to know, but I just told her "pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered" and not to push it. Anyway, we're two years on now and she's still fucking with it. The state is trying to recover the money they say she shouldn't have gotten, but from what I understand they are overreaching and trying to take back money she was entitled to. I was sort of disgusted by the whole thing when it first started and I have largely stayed out of it. It's been her thing to deal with. In my opinion, she has fucked it all the way up, it's her fault and I'm not fixing it for her. It pisses me off even thinking about it.

At some point, maybe she got scared or I had a moment of weakness, I made an appearance during one of her hearings with the TWC. (I am a licensed attorney.) I have handled a few wage claim issues with TWC in the past and it is a very aggravating process.

This morning my wife had an appeal hearing. She had asked me to stay home with our kids and dog while she had this hearing.  Sure, no problem. The hearing was at 8:30. I'm downstairs tending to the kids and the dog and scrolling the news on my phone. At 8:30:30 she comes running downstairs and I can hear the hearing officer on speaker asking about her personal representative. Something like, "Do you want your personal representative on this call?" She's looking at me with this deer in the headlights look.  She doesn't know what to do. So I finish slinging breakfast at the kids and haul ass upstairs to my office. I say that I'm present and that kicks off a series of exchanges with the hearing officer where he's berating me for not being present when the hearing started, my wife already said she didn't want her representative present, do not leave the phone again, etc.  Dude is ordering me around and berating me and shit. When I ran up, before I even said anything, he was asking my wife if she'd received certain documents. She was flipping through them in front of me and she said she'd received something that wasn't there. I was like, "Hold on, hold on. She doesn't have that document." Guy tried to shut me down again and told me to be quiet and stop interrupting the hearing.  It sort of went downhill from there for a while until I finally figured out what was going on. She had missed the deadline to file an appeal and it was very clear. The whole hearing was just a dog and pony show. No substantive issues were reached at all. If the fucking guy had just told me that from the beginning I would have just walked out of the room, probably. So, my wife didn't ask me to be part of the hearing or tell me anything about it other than it was happening and then drags me into it while the hearing is in progress with zero preparation. Let alone the fact that she fucked this whole thing up and cost our family thousands of dollars because she tried to fuck around with unemployment.

The divorce thread is that way —->

[Vertuzzi 1360]

9 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

What is with women commenting on baby boy's penises?  My wife doesn't do this at least, but her friends who are other people's wives have made some weird comments. Stuff like, "Ohhh he's going to make some girl happy some day!"  or commenting on its potential size due to current proportions. I have no idea how big or small it is compared to other baby boys, because I really don't have a frame of reference for this subject, but it's fucking weird. Anyways, if any of you happen to run into this sort of weird shit, the best comment to make IMO is, "Well it runs in the family." and then stare at them. Don't blink, don't smile, completely serious deadpan, and see what they do. 

[ztejas 43266]

38 minutes ago, nnm said:

The divorce thread is that way —->

Now hang on just a sec - we're going to need to see some pics before we can jump to that course of action. 

[SilasCoade 2620]

1 hour ago, huge said:

teach me more you wizard genius

Not sure if serious, but just in case https://www.alphr.com/automatically-delete-old-emails-gmail/

[tbone_ 14022]

Had to use her laptop for a minute this morning. 73 Chrome tabs open.

You are very brave for even considering going in there

[Biff Tannen 45494]

9 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Had to use her laptop for a minute this morning. 73 Chrome tabs open.

[Buzzrock 14871]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

You are very brave for even considering going in there

It’s not as bad as her car. 

[Kennythetiger 9334]

5 hours ago, Anastasis said:

Lulz

 

Dad?

[General Specific 3233]

Back during the height of the pandemic my wife applied for and received unemployment. She has a little bit of a weird job where her pay is not hourly or salary and shit got complicated. She also applied for some that she probably wasn't entitled to. I told her not to do that, even though money got a little tight around that time. I didn't really understand everything, I didn't want to know, but I just told her "pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered" and not to push it. Anyway, we're two years on now and she's still fucking with it. The state is trying to recover the money they say she shouldn't have gotten, but from what I understand they are overreaching and trying to take back money she was entitled to. I was sort of disgusted by the whole thing when it first started and I have largely stayed out of it. It's been her thing to deal with. In my opinion, she has fucked it all the way up, it's her fault and I'm not fixing it for her. It pisses me off even thinking about it.
At some point, maybe she got scared or I had a moment of weakness, I made an appearance during one of her hearings with the TWC. (I am a licensed attorney.) I have handled a few wage claim issues with TWC in the past and it is a very aggravating process.
This morning my wife had an appeal hearing. She had asked me to stay home with our kids and dog while she had this hearing.  Sure, no problem. The hearing was at 8:30. I'm downstairs tending to the kids and the dog and scrolling the news on my phone. At 8:30:30 she comes running downstairs and I can hear the hearing officer on speaker asking about her personal representative. Something like, "Do you want your personal representative on this call?" She's looking at me with this deer in the headlights look.  She doesn't know what to do. So I finish slinging breakfast at the kids and haul ass upstairs to my office. I say that I'm present and that kicks off a series of exchanges with the hearing officer where he's berating me for not being present when the hearing started, my wife already said she didn't want her representative present, do not leave the phone again, etc.  Dude is ordering me around and berating me and shit. When I ran up, before I even said anything, he was asking my wife if she'd received certain documents. She was flipping through them in front of me and she said she'd received something that wasn't there. I was like, "Hold on, hold on. She doesn't have that document." Guy tried to shut me down again and told me to be quiet and stop interrupting the hearing.  It sort of went downhill from there for a while until I finally figured out what was going on. She had missed the deadline to file an appeal and it was very clear. The whole hearing was just a dog and pony show. No substantive issues were reached at all. If the fucking guy had just told me that from the beginning I would have just walked out of the room, probably. So, my wife didn't ask me to be part of the hearing or tell me anything about it other than it was happening and then drags me into it while the hearing is in progress with zero preparation. Let alone the fact that she fucked this whole thing up and cost our family thousands of dollars because she tried to fuck around with unemployment.

If not the winner in the clubhouse, definitely on the podium, with a precise metal around your neck.