Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[tigol 2,482]

On 9/12/2022 at 9:53 PM, Celery Man said:

 

Not the end of the world but it's kinda gross and also a bit irritating to... estimate incorrectly how many eggs we have left from a quick peak in the box. But really just irritating to me because why are we doing this?

I've always just thrown them in the trash, wife is just doing this because it's what she's always done but she thinks the reasoning is that the egg shells would stink. However I take out the trash every night. Wife is often eager to make changes from what her family does (because her parents are brokedick morons who couldn't even be bothered to feed her) but she saw my sister doing this as well. Betcha anything my sister is putting them shits in her garden.

There are powers outside of your control here, dude.  

 

[WhatTheBuck 28,934]

8 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Eggshell talk not going away.

 Better watch your step.

[General Specific 3,508]

 Better watch your step.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,860]

18 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Eggshell talk not going away.

Well you see it’s just a bigger step in the wrong direction.   First you let them put the goddamned eggshells back in the carton.  Next you’re letting them vote, and god forbid you ever get another blowjob in your life after that, unless it’s YGIF under the Congress bridge.

[tigol 2,482]

10 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Well you see it’s just a bigger step in the wrong direction.   First you let them put the goddamned eggshells back in the carton.  Next you’re letting them vote, and god forbid you ever get another blowjob in your life after that, unless it’s YGIF under the Congress bridge.

Oddly specific.  Go on...

[Mittens 8,757]

When the rest of the webs reminds you of surly:

 

[Sam Lin 3,602]

Fake news, no Surly wife is going to admit they A. hit a curb or B. popped a tire

Come home (driving on the flat tire with alignment all out of whack from the bent control arm), park in garage, "Don't know, it was fine when I went to the mall yesterday!"

[markstanco 12,804]

My wife hit a python today while on the phone with me. It was at chic fil a. It was an orange cone. She really said python.

[Modessit 5,667]

My wife hit a python today while on the phone with me. It was at chic fil a. It was an orange cone. She really said python.

Sorry. She was probably still thinking about me.

[WhatTheBuck 28,934]

Tough to top that one from the old site where someone’s wife got an orange traffic barrel stuck under her SUV. That was a classic. 

[Sam Lin 3,602]

18 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Tough to top that one from the old site where someone’s wife got an orange traffic barrel python stuck under her SUV. That was a classic. 

 

[Kennythetiger 9,642]

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Tough to top that one from the old site where someone’s wife got an orange traffic barrel stuck under her SUV. That was a classic. 

And it probably wasn’t her fault. 

[WhatTheBuck 28,934]

14 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

And it probably wasn’t her fault. 

That goes without saying.

[TrashMaster G 18,118]

2 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

And it probably wasn’t her fault. 

She swears the barrel dove under her car.

[luke duke 6,451]

Tough to top that one from the old site where someone’s wife got an orange traffic barrel stuck under her SUV. That was a classic. 

That would be my wife:

I’m in a meeting and my wife is blowing my phone up with texts and calls, so I step out to call her back.

Me: Is everything OK?
Wife: I ran over a cone and now I’m dragging it under the car and everyone is staring at me.
Me: Drive it so two wheels are up on the curb and pull the cone out
Wife: OK, bye

I walk back into the meeting and remember that she was driving my truck with a 4” lift that day and I’m wondering how in the hell a cone could get stuck under it.

Then she sends me this, declaring victory over the “cone”:




I’m surprised there wasn’t a construction worker mangled in the grill when I got home.

[luke duke 6,451]

The truck is for sale now if anyone’s wife needs an indestructible vehicle.

[TrashMaster G 18,118]

42 minutes ago, luke duke said:

The truck is for sale now if anyone’s wife needs an indestructible vehicle.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,985]

This morning at 5:45 AM im sitting on the couch watching morning news show when I thought I heard the garage heater kick off. And it hasn’t been cold enough to even consider running it since last nights low temp was in the high 40s

Only one thing that could’ve triggered this and it wasn’t my door.


Of course if it was my door opened all night- id be in jail for child abuse, we would’ve been murdered, raped, robbed, rodent reproduction factory would’ve been already established in the garage


Her response: oh good thing we live in a good neighborhood or my wallet would’ve been stolen, because she leaves her wallet in anything she drives because she’s irresponsible like that.

But we(she) had to have the $250 safe thing in our suv we bought last November for moments like this. I won’t spoil it but you can guess on your own if she’s even looked into setting it up 11 months later.

[BHMCruiser 1,828]

2 hours ago, luke duke said:

That would be my wife:

I’m in a meeting and my wife is blowing my phone up with texts and calls, so I step out to call her back.

Me: Is everything OK?
Wife: I ran over a cone and now I’m dragging it under the car and everyone is staring at me.
Me: Drive it so two wheels are up on the curb and pull the cone out
Wife: OK, bye

I walk back into the meeting and remember that she was driving my truck with a 4” lift that day and I’m wondering how in the hell a cone could get stuck under it.

Then she sends me this, declaring victory over the “cone”:




I’m surprised there wasn’t a construction worker mangled in the grill when I got home.

Saw something similar in Boston, but it was a coed driving a Jeep and it was a metal trash barrel so sparks were shooting out everywhere.

[UnivTex34 1,765]

1 hour ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

This morning at 5:45 AM im sitting on the couch watching morning news show when I thought I heard the garage heater kick off. And it hasn’t been cold enough to even consider running it since last nights low temp was in the high 40s

Only one thing that could’ve triggered this and it wasn’t my door.


Of course if it was my door opened all night- id be in jail for child abuse, we would’ve been murdered, raped, robbed, rodent reproduction factory would’ve been already established in the garage


Her response: oh good thing we live in a good neighborhood or my wallet would’ve been stolen, because she leaves her wallet in anything she drives because she’s irresponsible like that.

But we(she) had to have the $250 safe thing in our suv we bought last November for moments like this. I won’t spoil it but you can guess on your own if she’s even looked into setting it up 11 months later.

I am by no means shifting blame/putting this on you.

 

But you realize with that app, you can set push notifications when a door has been open correct? I have ours set to 30 minutes, and I get a push that it is open. Can easily close it from the phone. 

 

Source: I have to fucking use it every 3 goddamn days.

 

 

[Dennis Taylor 19,369]

47 minutes ago, UnivTex34 said:

I am by no means shifting blame/putting this on you.

 

But you realize with that app, you can set push notifications when a door has been open correct? I have ours set to 30 minutes, and I get a push that it is open. Can easily close it from the phone. 

 

Source: I have to fucking use it every 3 goddamn days.

 

 

Mrs MNLonghornFUKM to @MNLonghornFUKM" I knew it was your fault somehow!"

[nnm 37,957]

49 minutes ago, UnivTex34 said:

I am by no means shifting blame/putting this on you.

 

But you realize with that app, you can set push notifications when a door has been open correct? I have ours set to 30 minutes, and I get a push that it is open. Can easily close it from the phone. 

 

Source: I have to fucking use it every 3 goddamn days.

 

 

This is true. That is specifically why I installed the hardware and app, and exactly how I use it. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,985]

Thanks for the heads up. Just set it to 20 min.

She set the app up a few years ago. And normally makes sure it’s closed 999 times out of 1000 and is better at it than I am…I’m probably 996 out of 1000


We just know my head would be ripped off if the tables were turned

[TrashMaster G 18,118]

34 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Thanks for the heads up. Just set it to 20 min.

She set the app up a few years ago. And normally makes sure it’s closed 999 times out of 1000 and is better at it than I am…I’m probably 996 out of 1000


We just know my head would be ripped off if the tables were turned

That just took some of the starch out of your story.  Man card is in jeapordy.

[Sawbonz 28,234]

Sign up for store cc to get 10% off purchase. Forget about new cc. Throw away first 2 bills from new cc company thinking they are junk mail ads. With interest and fees now have given back the 10% saved plus $50 or so in late fees. Happens at least every 18 months

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,311]

5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

This morning at 5:45 AM im sitting on the couch watching morning news show when I thought I heard the garage heater kick off. And it hasn’t been cold enough to even consider running it since last nights low temp was in the high 40s

Only one thing that could’ve triggered this and it wasn’t my door.


Of course if it was my door opened all night- id be in jail for child abuse, we would’ve been murdered, raped, robbed, rodent reproduction factory would’ve been already established in the garage


Her response: oh good thing we live in a good neighborhood or my wallet would’ve been stolen, because she leaves her wallet in anything she drives because she’s irresponsible like that.

But we(she) had to have the $250 safe thing in our suv we bought last November for moments like this. I won’t spoil it but you can guess on your own if she’s even looked into setting it up 11 months later.

That's totally on you for not setting up your MyQ app to close the garage door at a specific time at night if it's not closed.

[Paco 1,960]

The truck is for sale now if anyone’s wife needs an indestructible vehicle.

Don't sell that fucking truck!

[Sandman 3,435]

Wife wants this CD, some christian band I've never heard of. She asked me to find it online for her, as I usually just download music online but I couldn't find that one. So I forget about it.

She texted me today, "I bought that CD I've been wanting". Only after she made the purchase did she realize that none of our PCs have a CD drive, so she can't put the music on her phone. Nor does her car have a CD player. Luckily, I still had an old external drive and she was able to rip the songs. 

Who the fuck still buys CDs????

[Grade of D as in David 13,255]

 

12 minutes ago, Sandman said:

Wife wants this CD, some christian band I've never heard of. She asked me to find it online for her, as I usually just download music online but I couldn't find that one. So I forget about it.

She texted me today, "I bought that CD I've been wanting". Only after she made the purchase did she realize that none of our PCs have a CD drive, so she can't put the music on her phone. Nor does her car have a CD player. Luckily, I still had an old external drive and she was able to rip the songs. 

Who the fuck still buys CDs????

People who listen to this apparently

 

[tbone_ 14,456]

Sign up for store cc to get 10% off purchase. Forget about new cc. Throw away first 2 bills from new cc company thinking they are junk mail ads. With interest and fees now have given back the 10% saved plus $50 or so in late fees. Happens at least every 18 months

It’s almost like the stores know this will happen

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,860]

18 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

Saw something similar in Boston, but it was a coed driving a Jeep and it was a metal trash barrel so sparks were shooting out everywhere.

A few years ago I was behind a lady who ran over an already dead deer on the highway.  When I got behind her at the next light, I could see there was a good part of a rear hindquarter wedged between her axle and the car body.  I would guess their garage smelled pretty good the next day.

[Sawbonz 28,234]

13 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

 

People who listen to this apparently

 

Is that Boyd Crowder?

[Upgrayedd 5,908]

NBC Today had an update on hurricane Fiona yesterday along with footage from a sail drone. It’s on while we are getting ready for work.

Me: Sail drone?  That’s pretty cool.

Her: That’s just cruel.  Poor schmoogies.

Me: [pause-think-???-heh] It’s a sail drone babe.  Sailboat drone.  Not a seal drone.

 

[nnm 37,957]

5 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

NBC Today had an update on hurricane Fiona yesterday along with footage from a sail drone. It’s on while we are getting ready for work.

Me: Sail drone?  That’s pretty cool.

Her: That’s just cruel.  Poor schmoogies.

Me: [pause-think-???-heh] It’s a sail drone babe.  Sailboat drone.  Not a seal drone.

 

Hahahahahahahaa. That’s awesome. 

[TrashMaster G 18,118]

On 9/24/2022 at 9:52 AM, Upgrayedd said:

NBC Today had an update on hurricane Fiona yesterday along with footage from a sail drone. It’s on while we are getting ready for work.

Me: Sail drone?  That’s pretty cool.

Her: That’s just cruel.  Poor schmoogies.

Me: [pause-think-???-heh] It’s a sail drone babe.  Sailboat drone.  Not a seal drone.
 

She must be really hot.

[huge 3,831]

46 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

She must be really hot.

her tits are right there in his profile pic

[ImissWallyPryor 9,046]

My wife blessed her Highlander just like she blessed her previous two vehicles by getting impatient and running into the garage door before it opened enough. She used a new strategy this time by hitting it while entering instead of backing out. She tried lowering the door after she was in the garage. It was off the track on one side, so it kept going back up. She pulled the release, and the door stayed halfway shut with her still in the garage. She called me (I was 200 miles away), and I told her to get our next-door neighbor to help since he’s a home builder.

The good news is the door no longer makes the loud popping noise on it’s way down. She undid whatever she had done the last time when she hit it exiting the garage.

I’ll forgive her, though. Today is our 41st first date anniversary. I took her to The U game (Jim Kelly was QB), Texas won, and our group finished the night having drinks and dinner at the Driskill. This was after being kicked out of the bar/restaurant on top of the Holiday Inn - the octagonal? building on the left edge of this old photo - for being too rowdy:

 

Yeah, I’m old. 

Edited September 28, 2022 by ImissWallyPryor
Grammar is not a mother fucking game

[CycleTex87 3,043]

Rage emoji for Austin not being like this anymore.  I 'member those days.

[Armybrat 41,421]

2 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Rage emoji for Austin not being like this anymore.  I 'member those days.

 

[Cheeseweasel 26,442]

1, X (guy who took picture)

[CycleTex87 3,043]

And the freeway is the same size then as now at that spot.  (Is that the Riverside overpass in the background?)

Edited September 26, 2022 by CycleTex87

[Armybrat 41,421]

Yes

pic is from 1959.

She doesn’t look like that anymore 

Edited September 26, 2022 by Armybrat

[Crapinon 2,386]

3 hours ago, ImissWallyPryor said:

My wife blessed her Highlander just like she blessed her previous two vehicles by getting impatient and running into the garage door before it opened enough. She mixed it up this time by hitting it while entering instead of backing out. She tried lowering the door after she was in the garage. It was off the track on one side, so it kept going back up. She pulled the release, and the door stayed halfway shut with her still in the garage. She called me (I was 200 miles away), and I told her to get our next-door neighbor to help since he’s a home builder.

The good news is the door no longer makes the loud popping noise on it’s way down. She undid whatever she did the last time when she hit it exiting the garage.

I’ll forgive her, though. Today is our 41st first date anniversary. I took her to The U game (Jim Kelly was QB), Texas won, and our group finished the night having drinks and dinner at the Driskill. This was after being kicked out of the bar/restaurant on top of the Holiday Inn - the octagonal? building on the left edge of this old photo - for being too rowdy:

 

Yeah, I’m old. 

I hated that hotel. Bad memories. I was best man at a friends wedding in the early 80's. It happened to be on graduation weekend. It was also the weekend of the big Memorial day (I think) flood. Anyway I didn't realize it was graduation weekend and being a dumbass didn't make a reservation for a hotel. Everything was booked and it looked like I was going to sleep in my car, when the very drunk maid of honor told me I could stay at her place. We were going to meet right after the wedding at a bar. Long story short I couldn't find her (way before cell phones) and ended up staying in that hotel with a couple of other friends who were neither female, drunk or bridesmaid wedding horny. 

[Clintonaldo 2,618]

I can’t remember if I posted this but I noticed the bottom of the garage door a little pushed in so I nicely asked her if she backed into garage door and she nonchalantly says yeah but it didn’t do any damage. I then not so calmly ask her how the fuck did I know if there wasn’t any damage. 
 

 

 

 

On the old site I think it was Crimsonlonghorn whose wife had a flat tire and drove the car to the top of a 4 story parking garage???? I still laugh about that. 

[Upgrayedd 5,908]

Wine in can on ride home Friday.  “I’ll drink it!”

Fridge tonight 

 

[Sandman 3,435]

On 9/26/2022 at 7:59 PM, Clintonaldo said:

I can’t remember if I posted this but I noticed the bottom of the garage door a little pushed in so I nicely asked her if she backed into garage door and she nonchalantly says yeah but it didn’t do any damage. I then not so calmly ask her how the fuck did I know if there wasn’t any damage. 

My wife put some blue masking tape on the wall, which indicates how far in she is, and so she won't pull in too far and hit something. Right next to that tape is a fist-sized hole in the wall that was put there over the last 9 years of her opening her door and hitting the wall.

Edited September 29, 2022 by Sandman

[Beau Vine 55,870]

Wife is applying for a new job, under heavy prodding from me.  

She's updating her resume, and she has a small question for me:

"Which one of these do you like better?"

I read over both resumes to find no difference, other than that her name up top is surrounded by a grey box on one.  

Me: They're the same.

Her: No, this one has a grey box at the top.  Do you like it better or the other one?

Me: That kind of stuff doesn't matter at all to me. 

Her: OK, but which one do you like better?

Me: That kind of stuff doesn't matter at all to me. 

Her: Why won't you help me?

Me: You asked me for my opinion; I gave it to you, but you don't like my opinion.

Her: I'm asking which one looks better to you.

Me: And I've already told you, they are both equal in my eyes.

Her: Maybe that's your problem -- you should try to look at it through someone else's eyes!

Me: Then why don't you go ask someone else if you want the opinion of someone else's eyes?

 

[Kwix 2,497]

3 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife is applying for a new job, under heavy prodding from me.  

She's updating her resume, and she has a small question for me:

"Which one of these do you like better?"

I read over both resumes to find no difference, other than that her name up top is surrounded by a grey box on one.  

Me: They're the same.

Her: No, this one has a grey box at the top.  Do you like it better or the other one?

Me: That kind of stuff doesn't matter at all to me. 

Her: OK, but which one do you like better?

Me: That kind of stuff doesn't matter at all to me. 

Her: Why won't you help me?

Me: You asked me for my opinion; I gave it to you, but you don't like my opinion.

Her: I'm asking which one looks better to you.

Me: And I've already told you, they are both equal in my eyes.

Her: Maybe that's your problem -- you should try to look at it through someone else's eyes!

Me: Then why don't you go ask someone else if you want the opinion of someone else's eyes?

 

Shit man, just pick one and save yourself the hassle. 

Then she can explain to you why the other choice is better. 

[Beau Vine 55,870]

1 hour ago, Kwix said:

Shit man, just pick one and save yourself the hassle. 

 

That's actually what I originally did, but I made the mistake of not looking up from the TV while I was pointing.  

Quote

Then she can explain to you why the other choice is better. 

[Kwix 2,497]

7 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

That's actually what I originally did, but I made the mistake of not looking up from the TV while I was pointing.  

I never get away with that one either.