Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Superhero 9,027]

10 hours ago, Anwar Namtut said:

Trade you.

No thanks. Talking amongst friends who've been married over 10 years, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

 

In the past few weeks, we've made a couple of... uh videos. I was watching one last night before I went to bed, she came over, and it got her in the mood. So that was nice. We've talked about making a few more, and I'll be damn sure to watch those when she's around.

[WhatTheBuck 28,932]

17 hours ago, ABSR said:

otherwise she will tell him to enjoy himself and not wake her up.

“Could you watch me so it’s not weird?”

[Cheeseweasel 26,442]

6 hours ago, Superhero said:

In the past few weeks, we've made a couple of... uh videos

Weird. They aren't showing up.

[Superhero 9,027]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Weird. They aren't showing up.

Milf porn is that way ———>

[TrashMaster G 18,115]

8 hours ago, Superhero said:

No thanks. Talking amongst friends who've been married over 10 years, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

 

In the past few weeks, we've made a couple of... uh videos. I was watching one last night before I went to bed, she came over, and it got her in the mood. So that was nice. We've talked about making a few more, and I'll be damn sure to watch those when she's around.

Has she set up an OnlyFans yet?

[blacklab 12,066]

I’m on a conference call and my wife hands me this note. 

 

now she does have a broken arm and wrote with her left hand, but for fucks sake if I have a broken hand and have to right with my left and it looks like that I’m breaking out my phone and texting. 
 

Spoiler

It says

10/13     Reminder

Apt

dental

 

[shadow_operative2.0 16,276]

Two things: 

How did she break her arm? 

Did that just happen, on the 14th? 

[ztejas 44,233]

It clearly says

J2 p3 RobkrJ

yDM

pental

[blacklab 12,066]

Broke her arm 3 weeks ago. Was loading her vacuum cleaner into the car, tripped/lost balance, fell full weight onto arm while it was stuck inside vacuum handle. Broken in 3 places.

 

[shadow_operative2.0 16,276]

She normally travel with a vacuum? Very tidy of her. 

[ABSR 5,370]

4 hours ago, blacklab said:

Broke her arm 3 weeks ago. Was loading her vacuum cleaner into the car, tripped/lost balance, fell full weight onto arm while it was stuck inside vacuum handle. Broken in 3 places.

 

So your vacuum broke your dishwasher?

[General Specific 3,508]

So your vacuum broke your dishwasher?

And he now makes his own samitch as well!

[Mole 4,344]

Take Robert

Ham

Dental

[Not that Bob 743]

On 10/11/2022 at 10:16 AM, nnm said:

Exercising caution when approaching “stale” green lights is basic defensive driving. If you don’t know how long the light has been green, you should be prepared to stop if it turns. Not brake, but not accelerate either. When you reach the point where it’ll be safe to go through on yellow, go ahead and accelerate. 

How does this fit in with my spouse driving in the blind spot for fucking ever because “They might change lanes “?

[ztejas 44,233]

Just now, Not that Bob said:

How does this fit in with my spouse driving in the blind spot for fucking ever because “They might change lanes “?

I'd like to kill your wife. 

[Not that Bob 743]

4 minutes ago, ztejas said:

I'd like to kill your wife. 

Just a heads up, you’ll not be able to kill her by swerving in to her lane because she’s on to your lane changing trickery. 

[DukDukGru 48]

12 hours ago, ztejas said:

I'd like to kill your wife. 

This!

[Native Horn 3,581]

On 10/14/2022 at 4:24 PM, shadow_operative2.0 said:

She normally travel with a vacuum? Very tidy of her. 

Merry Maids?

[TKthunder2 5,059]

We got about 2 inches of rain in the last 12 hours which was awesome.  I look out the window this morning and the sprinkler is running.

Texted the wife asking wtf?

Apparently she decided to water the grass because it was dry yesterday evening, forgot about it, and left the sprinkler on all night.

I haven’t decided how to respond, but I assume it’ll be my fault somehow.

[tbone_ 14,455]

I wouldn’t do shit. At least she’s aware that a) grass actually needs water and b) was willing to put in some effort to that end.

[Kennythetiger 9,637]

If that’s the worst thing that happens to you that day, it’s a pretty damn good day. 

[TKthunder2 5,059]

5 hours ago, tbone_ said:

I wouldn’t do shit. At least she’s aware that a) grass actually needs water and b) was willing to put in some effort to that end.

I thought this was a safe space man…lol

A: the sprinkler was already out there she just turned on the hose so the effort level wasn’t much (though to be fair she did some other cleanup trimming yesterday in the yard).

B: she’s watched the news every night with me and knows it was going to rain a bunch and still watered anyways

but yes it’s not going to make her top ten this year so I’ve let it go for now

[Sam Lin 3,602]

12 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

Texted the wife asking wtf?

Stupid shit that husbands do.

 

1 hour ago, TKthunder2 said:

(though to be fair she did some other cleanup trimming yesterday in the yard).

Trims her bush, husband complains anyway.

 

Edited October 18, 2022 by Sam Lin

[huge 3,831]

21 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

I thought this was a safe space man…lol

A: the sprinkler was already out there she just turned on the hose so the effort level wasn’t much (though to be fair she did some other cleanup trimming yesterday in the yard).

B: she’s watched the news every night with me and knows it was going to rain a bunch and still watered anyways

but yes it’s not going to make her top ten this year so I’ve let it go for now

You can get a sensor that handles that for you if you are really concerned.

[Upgrayedd 5,907]

She was back home last weekend for a baby shower or some shit.  Her and her sister spending quality time.

Saturday I get a text that she has enabled her Find My locator “in case she gets kidnapped - lol.”  I knew what was coming next.

This morning-

Her:  I noticed you didn’t enable your locator.  I told my sister you wouldn’t.

Me: That’s correct.

Her:  Blah blah blah what would you be hiding blah blah blah.

Me: Ok.  Jesus Christ.  I’ll turn it on for you.  I’m leaving it off on the burner though.

Her:  [Pause ???] Asshole.

[Sawbonz 28,232]

I may have already posted this. Wife got a new car a year ago in august. Comes with free service including oil changes every 6 months. Second oil change came around and she didn’t have time to take it so we swapped cars.
 

I didn’t have time to wait so arranged to drop off and pick up a loaner. I give them the proof of insurance at the loaner desk and the lady tells me I have to show proof of insurance on the vehicle I’m leaving. I look at the paper and car isn’t on it. I call the insurance company, and yep, she’d been driving the car for 13 months with no insurance on it. 
 

Also when we got the car somehow my email got put in for alerts. I usually delete without looking but got several in a couple of days so I decided to open one. apparently several service alerts are on in the car and have been for a while so I texted her.

 

 

Well ok then

[BearMace 2,244]

Duh, you idiot. Can't you read?

[Upgrayedd 5,907]

27 minutes ago, Sawbonz said:

I may have already posted this. Wife got a new car a year ago in august. Comes with free service including oil changes every 6 months. Second oil change came around and she didn’t have time to take it so we swapped cars.
 

I didn’t have time to wait so arranged to drop off and pick up a loaner. I give them the proof of insurance at the loaner desk and the lady tells me I have to show proof of insurance on the vehicle I’m leaving. I look at the paper and car isn’t on it. I call the insurance company, and yep, she’d been driving the car for 13 months with no insurance on it. 
 

Also when we got the car somehow my email got put in for alerts. I usually delete without looking but got several in a couple of days so I decided to open one. apparently several service alerts are on in the car and have been for a while so I texted her.

 

 

Well ok then

Wait until you get the insurance bill from the lender.  Cha ching 

[Superhero 9,027]

Not sure if I should post it here or under the holy shit thread.

Wife got herself a Tesla 18k miles ago. Since they don’t need oil changes, she never got her tires rotated. Shame on me for not reminding her.

So she finally goes to the shop to get her tires rotated, and the guy tells her she needs new tires NOW!

Apparently Teslas chew through tires because they’re damn heavy. But damn… didn’t expect this. 

 

 

[Hpara759 1,792]

8 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Not sure if I should post it here or under the holy shit thread.

Wife got herself a Tesla 18k miles ago. Since they don’t need oil changes, she never got her tires rotated. Shame on me for not reminding her.

So she finally goes to the shop to get her tires rotated, and the guy tells her she needs new tires NOW!

Apparently Teslas chew through tires because they’re damn heavy. But damn… didn’t expect this. 

 

 

Tire is toed out...has been curb checking....I would guess it is pulling as well

Edited October 20, 2022 by Hpara759

[nnm 37,936]

1 hour ago, Hpara759 said:

Tire is toed out...has been curb checking....I would guess it is pulling as well

Yeah, that’s a camber/alignment problem. Better get that fixed ASAP or that $2,000 set of new tires are toast also. 

[Sawbonz 28,232]

17 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Wait until you get the insurance bill from the lender.  Cha ching 

I figure if they had known about it they would’ve given me a call long before now. Fingers crossed

[tbone_ 14,455]

Wives think about car maintenance about as much as they think about toaster maintenance. Maybe less.

Failure to operate in accordance with this known universal law is on you brah.

[Superhero 9,027]

18 hours ago, Hpara759 said:

Tire is toed out...has been curb checking....I would guess it is pulling as well

 

16 hours ago, nnm said:

Yeah, that’s a camber/alignment problem. Better get that fixed ASAP or that $2,000 set of new tires are toast also. 

The tire place also did an alignment.

Overall it cost $1700 for four new run-flat tires, alignment and CA disposal fees. I actually think we paid about the right amount. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,985]

I may have already posted this. Wife got a new car a year ago in august. Comes with free service including oil changes every 6 months. Second oil change came around and she didn’t have time to take it so we swapped cars.
 
I didn’t have time to wait so arranged to drop off and pick up a loaner. I give them the proof of insurance at the loaner desk and the lady tells me I have to show proof of insurance on the vehicle I’m leaving. I look at the paper and car isn’t on it. I call the insurance company, and yep, she’d been driving the car for 13 months with no insurance on it. 
 
Also when we got the car somehow my email got put in for alerts. I usually delete without looking but got several in a couple of days so I decided to open one. apparently several service alerts are on in the car and have been for a while so I texted her.
 

 
Well ok then

This one’s on you. In fact as a tiny humblebrag, just a few nights ago I put our 11-15-22 - 11-15-23 insurance cards in our vehicles because I knew they were gonna get lost and buried if I waited 4 weeks.

[SquishMitten 10,497]

Wife and a friend have tickets to see a show last night. They’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. They have to leave by 6:15 to make it on time. At 6:30, they’re still drinking wine in the kitchen. They say there’s an opening act so they’re not worried about being a little late. Once they arrive at the venue, there’s a huge line so they decide to go somewhere nearby to get a drink. When they come back, there’s still a long line. Apparently there is more than one event going on at this place. Once they get to the door, they can’t figure out how to access their tickets on Ticketmaster or whatever. They step out of line and spend the next 20 or so minutes trying to figure it out. They eventually get inside, wait for a drink, then head to their seats. As they’re sitting down, the performer says something like “Ok, here’s one last story for the evening…”

In the end, they spent a few hundred bucks on tickets, drinks, Ubers, etc, to see 5 minutes of a show. 

[mininghorn88 2,338]

26 minutes ago, SquishMitten said:

Wife and a friend have tickets to see a show last night. They’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. They have to leave by 6:15 to make it on time. At 6:30, they’re still drinking wine in the kitchen. They say there’s an opening act so they’re not worried about being a little late. Once they arrive at the venue, there’s a huge line so they decide to go somewhere nearby to get a drink. When they come back, there’s still a long line. Apparently there is more than one event going on at this place. Once they get to the door, they can’t figure out how to access their tickets on Ticketmaster or whatever. They step out of line and spend the next 20 or so minutes trying to figure it out. They eventually get inside, wait for a drink, then head to their seats. As they’re sitting down, the performer says something like “Ok, here’s one last story for the evening…”

In the end, they spent a few hundred bucks on tickets, drinks, Ubers, etc, to see 5 minutes of a show. 

Crap like this infuriates me to no end. My motto, and my kids know this well, is “it is better to be an hour early than a minute late”.

When my daughter (no pics) graduated from UT in 2014 there were about 10 or so of us that went to the general ceremony (the McRaven speech ceremony) in front of the Main Building. The amount of people that they would let in was limited. Being that I was the only UT grad among the lot everyone looked to me for advice. Not having gone before and wanting to ensure that we all got in I declared what time “I WAS GETTING THERE” to make sure that I saw it. Repeatedly I was asked if we were leaving too early. I repeatedly told them to do what they want but this is what I am doing.

[Modessit 5,667]

This one’s on you. In fact as a tiny humblebrag, just a few nights ago I put our 11-15-22 - 11-15-23 insurance cards in our vehicles because I knew they were gonna get lost and buried if I waited 4 weeks.

You should get this book. Or one of the others on the shelf. The cool kids just pull it up on their phone.

[NorthLoop 14,498]

MN prints the internet 

[gyroprotagonist 2,597]

On 10/23/2022 at 10:41 AM, SquishMitten said:

Wife and a friend have tickets to see a show last night. They’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. They have to leave by 6:15 to make it on time. At 6:30, they’re still drinking wine in the kitchen. They say there’s an opening act so they’re not worried about being a little late. Once they arrive at the venue, there’s a huge line so they decide to go somewhere nearby to get a drink. When they come back, there’s still a long line. Apparently there is more than one event going on at this place. Once they get to the door, they can’t figure out how to access their tickets on Ticketmaster or whatever. They step out of line and spend the next 20 or so minutes trying to figure it out. They eventually get inside, wait for a drink, then head to their seats. As they’re sitting down, the performer says something like “Ok, here’s one last story for the evening…”

In the end, they spent a few hundred bucks on tickets, drinks, Ubers, etc, to see 5 minutes of a show. 

yeah, but they probably got to 'check in' their location on FB,; so worth it

[Cheeseweasel 26,442]

On 10/23/2022 at 11:33 AM, Modessit said:

You should get this book. Or one of the others on the shelf. The cool kids just pull it up on their phone.

Odds your wife can find the password under pressure?

 

[CycleTex87 3,041]

On 10/20/2022 at 3:17 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

This one’s on you. In fact as a tiny humblebrag, just a few nights ago I put our 11-15-22 - 11-15-23 insurance cards in our vehicles because I knew they were gonna get lost and buried if I waited 4 weeks.

I take care of all the insurance needs for all of our family cars.  I have done so for about 18 years since she let the insurance lapse. In fact I take care of all the bills for the same reason. 

[Ojo Rojo 2,056]

On 10/18/2022 at 8:22 PM, Upgrayedd said:

She was back home last weekend for a baby shower or some shit.  Her and her sister spending quality time.

Saturday I get a text that she has enabled her Find My locator “in case she gets kidnapped - lol.”  I knew what was coming next.

This morning-

Her:  I noticed you didn’t enable your locator.  I told my sister you wouldn’t.

Me: That’s correct.

Her:  Blah blah blah what would you be hiding blah blah blah.

Me: Ok.  Jesus Christ.  I’ll turn it on for you.  I’m leaving it off on the burner though.

Her:  [Pause ???] Asshole.

Hmmm...  Similar thing happened to me.  I've been working late a lot lately.  My wife was agitated about something.  She never says anything; I can just tell.  I figured it was because I was working so much and she has had to deal with our kids every night by herself.  Stupidly, I finally ask her, "I know something is wrong.  What is it?"  Her answers are always like this:  "It's just that you never..."  "I just don't understand why you have to..."  I'm not adding the tailing off where there were actual words.  She doesn't complete the goddamned sentences.  And then she gets pissed at me for not being more understanding.  Anyway, I finally drag it out of her that I had turned Google locator off on my phone.  I didn't even know I had it.  I think she installed it or enabled it; she at least turned it on.  I think I remember getting an email several months ago about it and I didn't recognize it so when it asked me if I wanted to turn it off I clicked yes.  I just looked at her incredulously.  "Do you think I'm cheating on you?  Are you fucking serious?  I don't have time for a fucking girlfriend!  I'm working my fucking ass off and you're accusing me of fucking someone else?"  I couldn't believe it. I handed her my phone and told her to put whatever locator bullshit she wanted on it.

[BHMCruiser 1,828]

2 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Hmmm...  Similar thing happened to me.  I've been working late a lot lately.  My wife was agitated about something.  She never says anything; I can just tell.  I figured it was because I was working so much and she has had to deal with our kids every night by herself.  Stupidly, I finally ask her, "I know something is wrong.  What is it?"  Her answers are always like this:  "It's just that you never..."  "I just don't understand why you have to..."  I'm not adding the tailing off where there were actual words.  She doesn't complete the goddamned sentences.  And then she gets pissed at me for not being more understanding.  Anyway, I finally drag it out of her that I had turned Google locator off on my phone.  I didn't even know I had it.  I think she installed it or enabled it; she at least turned it on.  I think I remember getting an email several months ago about it and I didn't recognize it so when it asked me if I wanted to turn it off I clicked yes.  I just looked at her incredulously.  "Do you think I'm cheating on you?  Are you fucking serious?  I don't have time for a fucking girlfriend!  I'm working my fucking ass off and you're accusing me of fucking someone else?"  I couldn't believe it. I handed her my phone and told her to put whatever locator bullshit she wanted on it.

Sounds like something a cheater would say

[Apep 646]

Read the text  

 

[Modessit 5,667]

Wife: I just got a text that my Bank of America account was compromised! What do I do? It's telling me to log in and change my password but I don't remember my password!

Me: You don't have a Bank of America account.

Wife: (pauses for like a minute) Oh yeah.

Me: It's a scam. Block the number.

[Modessit 5,667]

Odds your wife can find the password under pressure?

 

No password needed. Just open the app.

And cops can look it up without you showing it to them. They don't even bother asking for it anymore unless you have to exchange info with another driver.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 5,004]

"So I left my phone in the fridge for like 15 minutes and now it's foggy"

[Kennythetiger 9,637]

12 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"So I left my phone in the fridge for like 15 minutes and now it's foggy"

Your day will be easier if you just move on. 

[Grade of D as in David 13,255]

21 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

"So I left my phone in the fridge for like 15 minutes and now it's foggy"

At least she didn't defrost it in the microwave