Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Jameslaw121 4445]

You know that part of the car (intermittent wind shield wipers) where you can regulate have fast your wipers move? My wife thought that adjusted how much water came out when you were cleaning your wind shield......

[NorthLoop 14083]

2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

You know that part of the car (intermittent wind shield wipers) where you can regulate have fast your wipers move? My wife thought that adjusted how much water came out when you were cleaning your wind shield......

You know.... that's actually a pretty good idea

[TrashMaster G 17386]

On 10/14/2022 at 10:59 PM, Not that Bob said:

How does this fit in with my spouse driving in the blind spot for fucking ever because “They might change lanes “?

Your wife should not be allowed behind the wheel.

[52-80 19081]

wife's been with me for a while now yet still doesnt realize/understand that men will simply NOT accept having to make more than 1 trip to carry groceries into the house.  give me all the bags.  i said all of them.  fuck it, hook em on my elbows and shoulders, i aint returning to the car again.

[Modessit 5596]

wife's been with me for a while now yet still doesnt realize/understand that men will simply NOT accept having to make more than 1 trip to carry groceries into the house.  give me all the bags.  i said all of them.  fuck it, hook em on my elbows and shoulders, i aint returning to the car again.

14 bags in one hand with TP under my arm, case of water in other hand, dog food balanced on my shoulder.

[tbone_ 14020]

Don’t you fuckers have kids?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8799]

Anybody else’s wife suck ass as copilot? We went to a trunk or treat tonight at a church. Whatever. She tells me she THINKS it’s by a school she toured last year. Ok. So i ask if it actually is or not. “What the hell GPS telling me it’s by such and such park.” Which is about 15 blocks from this school.

So this entire time I’m driving to this ToT, I just want the damn street and the avenue of this church and not for her to not suck ass as a copilot. Finally Arrive at the avenue I need to turn on and maybe 100 ft from it I ask again where I’m going and she goes I think right here. No warning or anything. At least she got that avenue right.

[Modessit 5596]

Before phone maps, my wife called to tell me she was lost trying to get somewhere.

Me: Where are you right now?

Her: In a parking lot.

Me: Where exactly is the parking lot?

Her: Next to a brown building.

Well, that clears it up.

[NWBuck 8547]

3 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Anybody else’s wife suck ass as copilot?

I spent way too much time trying to figure out the angles and flexibility needed for a project of this sort 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4968]

On 10/29/2022 at 10:23 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Anybody else’s wife suck ass as copilot? We went to a trunk or treat tonight at a church. Whatever. She tells me she THINKS it’s by a school she toured last year. Ok. So i ask if it actually is or not. “What the hell GPS telling me it’s by such and such park.” Which is about 15 blocks from this school.

So this entire time I’m driving to this ToT, I just want the damn street and the avenue of this church and not for her to not suck ass as a copilot. Finally Arrive at the avenue I need to turn on and maybe 100 ft from it I ask again where I’m going and she goes I think right here. No warning or anything. At least she got that avenue right.

Me, after making a turn: Weere am I going now?

Wife: It's too the left.

Me: How far is it? What street am I turning on?

Wife: I'll tell you when we get close.

Me: ...

 

A few minutes pass by...

 

Wife: You were supposed to turn right right there!

[shakahorn 1625]

All this direction giving reminds me of the ex-wife.  She calls me when i'm on a business trip, 3 hours different time zone.  It's 10am where she is.  She's on a street that runs north-south.  Her: I'm lost and I don't know if I'm going north or south.  Me (after stepping out of a meeting): Is the sun shining?  Her: Yes.  Me: is it on your left or on your right?  Her: Left.  Me: you're going south.  Her: how could you possibly know that?

[956 Worldwide 34422]

On 10/30/2022 at 4:23 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Anybody else’s wife suck ass as copilot? We went to a trunk or treat tonight at a church. Whatever. She tells me she THINKS it’s by a school she toured last year. Ok. So i ask if it actually is or not. “What the hell GPS telling me it’s by such and such park.” Which is about 15 blocks from this school.

So this entire time I’m driving to this ToT, I just want the damn street and the avenue of this church and not for her to not suck ass as a copilot. Finally Arrive at the avenue I need to turn on and maybe 100 ft from it I ask again where I’m going and she goes I think right here. No warning or anything. At least she got that avenue right.

Yes, the few times I’ve allowed her to do it the one constant is telling me “you should be in the other lane” at the exact moment we’re at the intersection or exit I need to take. Don’t do it anymore, it’s (my own) Google maps or we are pulling over till I figure it out. 

[Kennythetiger 9334]

8 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Me, after making a turn: Weere am I going now?

Wife: It's too the left.

Me: How far is it? What street am I turning on?

Wife: I'll tell you when we get close.

Me: ...

 

A few minutes pass by...

 

Wife: You were supposed to turn right right there!

I am not sure why, but recently mine started turning down the volume on her maps, and giving me the directions herself. It’s irritating at best.  At one particular point in a large city, I got frustrated enough to say, “Could you please turn her up and you down?”  I didn’t intend for it to be mean or disrespectful, but goddamn. I did not have sexual relations that night, or the next morning. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8799]

I am not sure why, but recently mine started turning down the volume on her maps, and giving me the directions herself. It’s irritating at best.  At one particular point in a large city, I got frustrated enough to say, “Could you please turn her up and you down?”  I didn’t intend for it to be mean or disrespectful, but goddamn. I did not have sexual relations that night, or the next morning. 

[tbone_ 14020]

Figure out where you are going on your own first. At least generally.

Then let her give you directions and act like they are helpful.

[WhatTheBuck 28705]

10 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Me, after making a turn: Weere am I going now?

Wife: It's too the left.

Me: How far is it? What street am I turning on?

Wife: I'll tell you when we get close.

Me: ...

 

A few minutes pass by...

 

Wife: You were supposed to turn right right there!

She was thinking it loud and clear. Why do you never pay attention?

[Sandman 3402]

We were straightening up the house yesterday and my wife asked me "Do you want to keep this?" but she asked me when I was not looking at her at all, I was turned away and focused on my task. I said what is it, she says "You weren't looking at me, I was holding it up". I said why not just ask directly, like "Do you want to keep this receipt/paperwork?", then I can answer your question. Not only did she not agree with my take on this, she did the same damn thing 5 mins later, only this time she waited until I was almost out of the room to ask me. Some tone was had on both sides.

[davidg 4025]

Me, after making a turn: Weere am I going now?
Wife: It's too the left.
Me: How far is it? What street am I turning on?
Wife: I'll tell you when we get close.
Me: ...
 
A few minutes pass by...
 
Wife: You were supposed to turn right right there!

Tell it again but this time be towing 32’ of travel trailer down a 2 lane road. Hilarity ensues.

[Trey3216 15325]

On 10/31/2022 at 12:19 AM, shakahorn said:

All this direction giving reminds me of the ex-wife.  She calls me when i'm on a business trip, 3 hours different time zone.  It's 10am where she is.  She's on a street that runs north-south.  Her: I'm lost and I don't know if I'm going north or south.  Me (after stepping out of a meeting): Is the sun shining?  Her: Yes.  Me: is it on your left or on your right?  Her: Left.  Me: you're going south.  Her: how could you possibly know that?

I have done this exact thing several times.  

[Js1 85095]

3 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

I have done this exact thing several times.  

Wow, your husband must be a saint. 

[Armybrat 40730]

On 10/31/2022 at 9:01 AM, tbone_ said:

Figure out where you are going on your own first. At least generally.

Then let her give you directions and act like they are helpful.

We use paper maps. No problems.

[Upgrayedd 5805]

7 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

We use paper maps. No problems.

Thomas Guide

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

Not my wife, but somebody's wife... 

I'm pulling a trailer back from the ranch yesterday and pull in to a gas pump at Buccees in Temple to fill up. 

I'm ready to leave and the people at the pump in front of me - man and woman - walk up and get in their car (Oklahoma plates). Woman gets into the drivers seat and the brake light comes on. I'd much prefer to pull forward with the trailer, so I just sit and wait for them to leave and I'll follow them out.

They futz around a little bit inside the car and her foot's on the brake the whole time.

Man then gets out of the passenger side and walks over to the trash can. Her foot stays on the brake. 

Man gets back in the car. They sit for a few seconds, then he gets out again and walks around to the back of the car. Her foot stays on the brake. 

Thus far they've been sitting there for about 1-2 minutes and her foot has been on the brake the whole time. 

Man then gets out again and opens the back door and gets out a cup and starts shaking it. Foot stays on the brake. 

He gets back in the car and then she starts playing with the mirror and the radio. She finally puts on her seatbelt. Foot stays on the brake. 

This goes on several more seconds and then the passenger door opens and the man gets out and starts to walk back inside the store. Foot stays on the brake. 

As far as I could tell, she never actually started the car in the 3-4 minutes she sat there with her foot on the brake. It was still there when I decided I'd just take my chances and go ahead and try to back out after all.

 

[WhatTheBuck 28705]

All brake, no gas?

[deadshank 24651]

Watching the Astros last night my wife was intrigued by one of the Astros’ players at the plate.  
 

She asked me “what kind of name is WITH RISP?”

(It was Pena in the box)

[BHMCruiser 1813]

On 11/1/2022 at 8:55 PM, Armybrat said:

We use paper maps. No problems.

There Be Monsters Here

[General Specific 3232]

Watching the Astros last night my wife was intrigued by one of the Astros’ players at the plate.  
 
She asked me “what kind of name is WITH RISP?”
(It was Pena in the box)

It’s bottom of 5 game 5, and WITH RISP, is up again!!!1!

[Brisketexan 104561]

Sigh. Headed to a ranch tomorrow for opening weekend of deer season. I am tasked with bringing certain things, including charcoal. My wife was going by HEB. I asked her to just grab two big bags.
She comes home with two little bags. Of matchlight shit soaked in lighter fluid. I didn’t say anything. I’ll just grab two bags of real charcoal on my way out of town tomorrow.

[EE2B 1561]

On 11/1/2022 at 8:55 PM, Armybrat said:

We use paper maps. No problems.

 

[Armybrat 40730]

Yep, turn northwest at Fort Laramie.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

27 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Yep, turn northwest at Fort Laramie.

Still hard to fathom how they got through the Rocky Mountains on covered wagon.

Can you enlighten us, Brat? 

[lilMAC25 3777]

Who else’s wife woke up today mad at them for no reason at all?

 

who else asked the wife “is everything ok?” And got a “I’m fine”?

 

she just finished her menses, so that ain’t it. We watched and celebrated the Astros victory with her entire family last night.

 

This weekend is going to fucking suck while she’s building her “courage” to explode on me and accuse me of some stupid shit that I will have either never committed or will have completely forgotten about by then. But she’ll be big mad and I’ll have to do My dead level best to fix while juggling work, cardiac rehab, moving an entire house load of shit out of storage (without her help, mind you) AND finishing the clearing of our land.

 

Edited November 4, 2022 by lilMAC25

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

She had a dream that you were banging her sister you inconsiderate, cheating monster.

[tbone_ 14020]

Who else’s wife woke up today mad at them for no reason at all?
 
who else asked the wife “is everything ok?” And got a “I’m fine”?
 
she just finished her menses, so that ain’t it. We watched and celebrated the Astros victory with her entire family last night.
 
This weekend is going to fucking suck while she’s building her “courage” to explode on me and accuse me of some stupid shit that I will have either never committed or will have completely forgotten about by then. But she’ll be big mad and I’ll have to do My dead level best to fix while juggling work, cardiac rehab, moving an entire house load of shit out of storage (without her help, mind you) AND finishing the clearing of our land.
 

This right here is how you do this thread.

[lilMAC25 3777]

12 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

She had a dream that you were banging her sister you inconsiderate, cheating monster.

Her sister is a rather large gal. She outweighs me (I’m down to 185).

 

no gracias.

[Cheeseweasel 26437]

2 minutes ago, lilMAC25 said:

Her sister is a rather large gal. She outweighs me (I’m down to 185).

 

no gracias.

You just lit the Vic Signal.

[lilMAC25 3777]

5 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

You just lit the Vic Signal.

She’s a dark brown eyed (almost black eyes) ginger. She’s also married, so….

[General Specific 3232]

 

[Upgrayedd 5805]

Watches cake wars and other baking shows.  Doesn’t bake.

[Kennythetiger 9334]

2 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Watches cake wars and other baking shows.  Doesn’t bake.

Could be worse. Mine watches porn. 

[Upgrayedd 5805]

55 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Could be worse. Mine watches porn. 

[Ojo Rojo 1891]

On 10/29/2022 at 10:23 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Anybody else’s wife suck ass as copilot? We went to a trunk or treat tonight at a church. Whatever. She tells me she THINKS it’s by a school she toured last year. Ok. So i ask if it actually is or not. “What the hell GPS telling me it’s by such and such park.” Which is about 15 blocks from this school.

So this entire time I’m driving to this ToT, I just want the damn street and the avenue of this church and not for her to not suck ass as a copilot. Finally Arrive at the avenue I need to turn on and maybe 100 ft from it I ask again where I’m going and she goes I think right here. No warning or anything. At least she got that avenue right.

My wife is a terrible driver.  She's aggressive and takes many unnecessary risks.  So I have to drive anywhere we go together. She's had to be the navigator. She could not be worse at it unless she tried, which she might be so that I don't drive all the time and make her feel bad about being a shitty driver. She does all of the above - can't work the map software on the phone, tells me to turn when I'm already right up on it with no time to check mirrors or brake safely, sending me somewhere in BFE because she's convinced the map on the phone is wrong. I beat my head against a wall for several years, convinced she would get better at it.  She never did.  That's when I decided to just do it all myself. This situation is sadly similar to our sex life.

[NorthLoop 14083]

derp

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 12, 2022 by NorthLoop

[Beau Vine 53987]

On 10/6/2022 at 9:11 AM, Beau Vine said:

Last night:

Her: Texas State is doing a production of "My Fair Lady" and I assume you don't want to go, so I'm going to go with Sherri.  We could go either November 16th or 17th.  Do you have a preference on which one we go to?

Me: The 17th, definitely the 17th!

Her: OK, what's the deal, is there a football game that you want to be left alone to watch or something?

Me: No, I actually don't care, but last week you got mad because I didn't express a preference when I didn't have one, so I'm just randomly assigning my preference to the 17th to avoid that again.  

OK, the week has arrived!!  Anyone want to guess which night she's going?

On 10/6/2022 at 11:37 AM, Beau Vine said:

I'll bet anyone $100 that she ends up going on the 16th.

I'm sorry, that is only partially correct!  She's going both nights!

[UT_OB1 2200]

On 11/14/2022 at 3:37 PM, Beau Vine said:

OK, the week has arrived!!  Anyone want to guess which night she's going?

I'm sorry, that is only partially correct!  She's going both nights!

Unless y’all have twin 3 month olds that you’ll be watching by yourself two nights in a row, congratulations 

[crimsonlonghorn 2306]

On 10/24/2022 at 8:22 PM, Modessit said:

Wife: I just got a text that my Bank of America account was compromised! What do I do? It's telling me to log in and change my password but I don't remember my password!

Me: You don't have a Bank of America account.

Wife: (pauses for like a minute) Oh yeah.

Me: It's a scam. Block the number.

This is tremendous and well within the spirit of this thread. 

[Pig Bellmont 8691]

On 11/9/2022 at 5:35 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

This situation is sadly similar to our sex life.

She’s aggressive and takes many unnecessary risks?

[ABSR 5289]

9 minutes ago, Pig Bellmont said:

She’s aggressive and takes many unnecessary risks?

She makes him use "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis" as his safe word?

[Ojo Rojo 1891]

1 hour ago, Pig Bellmont said:

She’s aggressive and takes many unnecessary risks?

The analogy has some limitations.

[52-80 19081]

My wife is possibly the worst search engine user alive. 
 

if she wants a chair for her piano, instead of hitting all the common keywords like “piano stool” to maximize the results, she’d put shit like “purple felt covered chair constructed for sitting in front of piano”