Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[BearMace 2,244]

15 minutes ago, deadshank said:

As I am driving Mrs. Deadshank to Hobby so she can catch her extremely early bird flight to Vegas for the NFR

Mrs. Deadshank:  (looking at her boarding pass) My flight arrives in Las Vegas at 7:15 AM?  Is that right?  7:15 AM?  That's so early!!

Deadshank:  I guess the flight does arrive at 7:15 AM if that's what the boarding pass and ticket says.

Mrs. Deadshank:  Well, I know that!  Don't be stupid.

Deadshank:  Then why did you ask?

Mrs. Deadshank:  I just wanted to be sure and you don't have to be so mean to me.

Deadhank:  Enjoy Vegas.

Should have told her she was lucky to be on one of the new domestic super-sonic flights that would get her there in just over an hour!

[ztejas 44,233]

23 hours ago, Brothahorn said:

Now I know why my wife doesn't make Greenpoint money..

During the boil notice, she tried sneakily suggest that hot water could be used in place of boiled water. Then tried to act like it was a joke.

I'm pretty sure you don't have to actually boil water to kill most bacteria. But it has to be really hot, like 170+ or something. 

If she just meant tap hot then, yeah, no.

So, not even that hot.

In water, pasteurization is reported to begin at temperatures as low as 131°F/55°C for protozoan cysts. Similarly, it is reported that one minute of heating to 162°/72°C and two minutes of heating at 144°/62°C will render Cryptosporidium oocysts non-infectious. Other studies report that water pasteurized at 150°F/65°C for 20 minutes will kill or inactivate those organisms that can cause harm to humans. These include: Giardia, Cryptosporidium, Endameba, the eggs of worms, Vibrio cholera, Shigella, Salmonella bacteria, those that cause typhoid, the enterotoxogenic strains of E. coli, Hepatitis A and rotaviruses. It is also reported that a 99.999% kill of water borne microorganisms can be achieved at 149°F/65°C in five minutes of exposure.

I hope your hot water doesn't come out of the tap 144 degrees. Unless you and your family are some sort of reptilian, salamander-people living deep below the Earth's crust.

The REASON that you are suggested to boil water is that it's a bright-line test that can be observed in a binary sense. It's difficult to determine whether non-boiling water is 140 degrees or 150 degrees. 

Edited December 2, 2022 by ztejas

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,307]

59 minutes ago, ztejas said:

 

The REASON that you are suggested to boil water is that it's a bright-line test that can be observed in a binary sense. 

Why do you hate non-binary people

[Jameslaw121 4,494]

On 11/30/2022 at 9:27 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

Her- "Texas is ranked #1 in college football "

Me-" No they aren't "

Her- "Yes they are it says it right here"

Me- " is that article from 2005?"

Her - "No"

Me-"Then it's not about football "

Her- " Oh its basketball, you know what I mean"

Me- "No, I know what you say but not always what you mean"

Her- tone

In my case, I would exactly know what she means. Because as a lifelong Texas Rangers fan, we have this conversation at least once every December

Her : Hey - did you see the Ranger's won?

Me (without looking up): That's hockey.

[TrashMaster G 18,104]

On 12/2/2022 at 11:45 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

In my case, I would exactly know what she means. Because as a lifelong Texas Rangers fan, we have this conversation at least once every December

Her : Hey - did you see the Ranger's won?

Me (without looking up): That's hockey.

*Rangers 

[eljinca 280]

On 12/2/2022 at 12:45 PM, Jameslaw121 said:

In my case, I would exactly know what she means. Because as a lifelong Texas Rangers fan, we have this conversation at least once every December

Her : Hey - did you see the Ranger's won?

Me (without looking up): That's hockey.

That’s good

[pacman 7,509]

"I bought chili for you!"

(pictured is Costco chili, made with copious amounts of beans)

Me: "Where is the number for the neighbor's divorce lawyer?"

Tone.

Edited December 4, 2022 by pacman

[UT_OB1 2,266]

6 minutes ago, pacman said:

"I bought chili for you!"

(pictured is Costco chili, made with copious amounts of beans)

Me: "Where is the number for the neighbor's divorce lawyer?"

Tone.

The beans can be excused, but the corn is an unforgivable sin. 

[Brisketexan 106,921]

"I bought chili for you!"

(pictured is Costco chili, made with copious amounts of beans)
Me: "Where is the number for the neighbor's divorce lawyer?"
Tone.

Looks like TWO KINDS of beans….plus bell pepper….and corn.
That’s some Midwest “chili” shit.
I mean, I’d probably eat it, but as a midwestern “Mexican stew.”

[pacman 7,509]

Oh, the stew was eaten.

And in true, need to have the last word fashion..

Wife: "I see you liked the chili."

as she walks out the front door..

Edited December 4, 2022 by pacman

[deadshank 24,654]

1 hour ago, pacman said:

Oh, the stew was eaten.

And in true, need to have the last word fashion..

Wife: "I see you liked the chili."

as she walks out the front door..

Lots of guys dig your wife’s chili.  

[idigTexas 2,331]

So Jade is a chef at Costco?

[burntorangebongos 10,826]

Why do they call it Chili???? It's ground beef stew with veggies.

[SHOOTER12 8,886]

5 hours ago, pacman said:

"I bought chili for you!"

(pictured is Costco chili, made with copious amounts of beans)

Me: "Where is the number for the neighbor's divorce lawyer?"

Tone.

 

5 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

The beans can be excused, but the corn is an unforgivable sin. 

Get a rope...or two...

[Grade of D as in David 13,255]

5 hours ago, pacman said:

Oh, the stew was eaten.

And in true, need to have the last word fashion..

Wife: "I see you liked the chili."

as she walks out the front door..

You need to dutch oven the hell out of her tonight and remind her how much you liked the "chili"

[BearMace 2,244]

That's some Jaded ass chili. 

Edited December 4, 2022 by BearMace

[Dennis Taylor 19,365]

On 12/2/2022 at 11:45 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

In my case, I would exactly know what she means. Because as a lifelong Texas Rangers fan, we have this conversation at least once every December

Her : Hey - did you see the Ranger's won?

Me (without looking up): That's hockey.

Ranger's what? 

Certainly not championships Hahahaha!

[Modessit 5,667]

Looks like TWO KINDS of beans….plus bell pepper….and corn.
That’s some Midwest “chili” shit.
I mean, I’d probably eat it, but as a midwestern “Mexican stew.”

As a former Midwesterner - fuck no. No corn. No bell pepper. No cheese. Beans, yes, but dark red kidney beans only. Stewed tomatoes is the only other non-beef item besides the chili powder.

[SHOOTER12 8,886]

5 hours ago, Modessit said:

16 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Looks like TWO KINDS of beans….plus bell pepper….and corn.
That’s some Midwest “chili” shit.
I mean, I’d probably eat it, but as a midwestern “Mexican stew.”

As a former Midwesterner - fuck no. No corn. No bell pepper. No cheese. Beans, yes, but dark red kidney beans only. Stewed tomatoes is the only other non-beef item besides the chili powder.

So tell me, how did you fit all that dick in your ass?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,984]

As a former Midwesterner - fuck no. No corn. No bell pepper. No cheese. Beans, yes, but dark red kidney beans only. Stewed tomatoes is the only other non-beef item besides the chili powder.

I see zero evidence of any kind chili powder in this dish and we’re concerned about the corn? As a current representative of the midwestern delegation, I extend a hearty to the Texas delegations for not even noticing this but take the first opportunity to shit on my region

[Kennythetiger 9,631]

19 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

The beans can be excused, but the corn is an unforgivable sin. 

How else do you trace the time that it takes your digestive tract to work?  

[Jerry Callo 8,960]

24 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

How else do you trace the time that it takes your digestive tract to work?  

When done correctly, you'll know damn well when the chili is exiting.

[MissingInAction 25,560]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:03 AM, pacman said:

"I bought chili for you!"

(pictured is Costco chili, made with copious amounts of beans)

Me: "Where is the number for the neighbor's divorce lawyer?"

Tone.

That looks like an actual bowl of shit. 

Did you marry Jade?

[TrashMaster G 18,104]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:03 AM, pacman said:

"I bought chili for you!"

(pictured is Costco chili, made with copious amounts of beans)

Me: "Where is the number for the neighbor's divorce lawyer?"

Tone.

I feel like that is called chili by the same people who invite you to a "barbecue" and you find out they are just grilling burgers and hot dogs.

[Sam Lin 3,600]

10 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

I feel like that is called chili by the same people who invite you to a "barbecue" and you find out they are just grilling Beyond Meat burgers and hot dogs.

Added more rage.

[Frank The Tank 1,503]

On 12/2/2022 at 9:36 AM, deadshank said:

 

Mrs. Deadshank:   Don't be stupid.

 

Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. 

[dcbc 14,644]

On 12/4/2022 at 11:11 AM, Brisketexan said:

I mean, I’d probably eat it, but as a midwestern “Mexican stew.”

This is the correct answer.  I've been married long enough to realize that my wife does not care what my definition of chili is.  I know enough to act appreciative when she buys me food.  I would take the container and eat the contents.  I also would do so with a reasonable amount of confidence that after a night in the same bed with me after feeding me that bean-rich concoction, she would not make the same mistake twice.

Edited December 9, 2022 by dcbc

[dcbc 14,644]

On 12/5/2022 at 7:09 AM, Kennythetiger said:

How else do you trace the time that it takes your digestive tract to work?  

If it's more that 25 minutes, consult your physician.

[cactusflinthead 27,627]

What the hell is it with kidney beans in Yankee chili? The corn just pushed it harder into the stew territory. 

Yeah that's Jade level scary.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,779]

Ordered WB while the wife was out. I sent all 3 screenshots of the receipt and the address.
After 45 minutes at the wrong location it became my fault for not telling her early enough in the text where it was.
It was the closest WB to our house.
Makers sure is good.

[tbone_ 14,454]

I don’t think I’ve ever even dated much less married a woman I would expect to not fuck that up.

[ABSR 5,370]

14 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Ordered WB while the wife was out. I sent all 3 screenshots of the receipt and the address.
After 45 minutes at the wrong location it became my fault for not telling her early enough in the text where it was.
It was the closest WB to our house.
Makers sure is good.

Address?  Did you tell her “It is the one across from that place where you ate that time, but the meal was okay, but not great and the hostess seemed like a bitch (Hot, tight dress),  and her friends boyfriend once ate there and he really liked his meal, but her friend thought he shouldn’t have ordered it because it is not something she thinks he likes.  But that dessert place, but not the cupcake one, is near it….but a few miles away, but not that far.”

You know, directions she can understand?

[Incredulity 11,876]

^blood pressure increases 

[Celery Man 21,098]

Wife has the feeling that dirtying a dish or utensil for something small is somehow wasting it. Where this irks me primarily is putting greasy spatulas and shit on the counter rather than use a small plate or whatever you call the dish for that. I run the fucking dishwasher every night. Just had to spray the oven mitt with dish soap and wipe it down because it looks like she rested a greasy spoon on top of it.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,779]

Address?  Did you tell her “It is the one across from that place where you ate that time, but the meal was okay, but not great and the hostess seemed like a bitch (Hot, tight dress),  and her friends boyfriend once ate there and he really liked his meal, but her friend thought he shouldn’t have ordered it because it is not something she thinks he likes.  But that dessert place, but not the cupcake one, is near it….but a few miles away, but not that far.”
You know, directions she can understand?

Point taken. However we are new to town so I can’t use relational stories yet.

[52-80 19,377]

Taking off tomorrow on a month long trip so what does the wife do? Stressing herself out needlessly cleaning every inch of our place spotless. 

…and what will be the first thing she’ll do when we return?  Yep….clean everything again. 

[Kwix 2,497]

20 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

Taking off tomorrow on a month long trip so what does the wife do? Stressing herself out needlessly cleaning every inch of our place spotless. 

…and what will be the first thing she’ll do when we return?  Yep….clean everything again. 

Husband's who don't realize how good they have it thread is over there - >

[Frank The Tank 1,503]

1 hour ago, 52-80 said:

Taking off tomorrow on a month long trip so what does the wife do? Stressing herself out needlessly cleaning every inch of our place spotless. 

…and what will be the first thing she’ll do when we return?  Yep….clean everything again. 

Yeah, this is not the humble brag thread. 

[UT_OB1 2,266]

8 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Taking off tomorrow on a month long trip so what does the wife do? Stressing herself out needlessly cleaning every inch of our place spotless. 

…and what will be the first thing she’ll do when we return?  Yep….clean everything again. 

[Snake Diggity 4,714]

On 8/31/2022 at 5:07 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Today I was making myself lunch and getting some turkey out of the bottom drawer of the fridge.  I notice the bottom of the drawer is wet.  I start pulling things out and the entire thing is covered in some reddish liquid.  I come to find that an entire RE-CLOSABLE bag of kimchi was not properly closed and has leaked all over everything.  I cleaned out the entire thing and then, just to add insult to injury, or add injury to injury I guess, when I went to close the bag of kimchi the juice squirted into my eye.  FUCK EVERYTHING.

 

On 8/31/2022 at 5:35 PM, SilasCoade said:

fuck kimchi

I make my Korean wife keep a separate mini fridge for kimchi (and any other associated stinky ass foods she likes).

[Snake Diggity 4,714]

Just now: “Does the microwave use 60 seconds for a minute?”

She has a Master’s in Accounting.

[Snake Diggity 4,714]

On 11/29/2022 at 6:30 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

That sound machine is a RAGING piece of shit.  My wife has bought 3 of them and all 3 had the volume/power knob go out within 6 months.  Fuck Homedics.

[SHOOTER12 8,886]

1 hour ago, Snake Diggity said:

That sound machine is a RAGING piece of shit.  My wife has bought 3 of them and all 3 had the volume/power knob go out within 6 months.  Fuck Homedics.

I'm an uninitiated idiot but, WTF is that?

[Snake Diggity 4,714]

6 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

I'm an uninitiated idiot but, WTF is that?

 

The circular white electronic appliance in the pic is a sound machine used for white noise to help drown outside noise as a sleep aid.  They are often used for baby/kids rooms but adults use them too.  That particular model is made by a company called Homedics, and is, as I said, a raging piece of shit.

 

DO NOT BUY THIS PIECE OF SHIT: https://www.amazon.com/Portable-Relaxing-Soothing-Charging-Auto-Off/dp/B00A2JBMRE/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=1YNNC5UOFG4VJ&keywords=homedics+sound+machine&qid=1670773475&sprefix=homedics+sound+machine%2Caps%2C153&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzRzNWWVlENVhRUkpQJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwODkzMDU2Mlc1OUZVNU9JUkQxRyZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNzU5NTgyMkVVOVFDSFlTMkZNUyZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

 

Homedics also makes other products my wife has purchased (humidifier, room air purifier), and they are all pieces of shit.

Edited December 11, 2022 by Snake Diggity

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,984]

That sound machine is a RAGING piece of shit.  My wife has bought 3 of them and all 3 had the volume/power knob go out within 6 months.  Fuck Homedics.

Lmao.

I think we’re on 2 years with this one. But now I expect it to go out this week now. Thanks

[Kennythetiger 9,631]

1 hour ago, Snake Diggity said:

Homedics also makes other products my wife has purchased (humidifier, room air purifier), and they are all pieces of shit.

Wife continues to pay money for pieces of shit. Sounds like the pieces of shit may not be the problem. 

[Modessit 5,667]

That sound machine is a RAGING piece of shit.  My wife has bought 3 of them and all 3 had the volume/power knob go out within 6 months.  Fuck Homedics.

When that kind of stuff happens, I just fix it.

[burntorangebongos 10,826]

On 12/10/2022 at 11:42 AM, Celery Man said:

Wife has the feeling that dirtying a dish or utensil for something small is somehow wasting it. Where this irks me primarily is putting greasy spatulas and shit on the counter rather than use a small plate or whatever you call the dish for that. I run the fucking dishwasher every night. Just had to spray the oven mitt with dish soap and wipe it down because it looks like she rested a greasy spoon on top of it.

Spoon rests. Get that woman Harry Potter themed ones and she will use the shit out of it. 

[Snake Diggity 4,714]

4 hours ago, Modessit said:

8 hours ago, Snake Diggity said:

That sound machine is a RAGING piece of shit.  My wife has bought 3 of them and all 3 had the volume/power knob go out within 6 months.  Fuck Homedics.

When that kind of stuff happens, I just fix it.

Thanks dad. Good for you.

[Celery Man 21,098]

If we had a spoon rest shaped like Dobby she’d be even more likely to just rest it on an oven mitt