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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28,931

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6 hours ago, rage-a-holic said:

One is clearly a produce bag and the other two are clearly checkout bags. You should visit a grocery store sometime this century.

My produce bags have a lot less print on them. Some have none all. Some are green (purple if buying organic). The store where I usually shop doesn’t even have plastic bags at checkout anymore. When they did, they were blue.

It was a post taken from Reddit so we can’t interrogate Jacksquatch, the alleged husband. I’m having a hard time buying the frugal wife theory.

I will say this, though. I was trying to imagine what might be going on in someone’s head to make them do such a thing. All I could come up with is that it’s the sort of thing someone might do if they were tripping on acid. You’ve got this bag, you’ve got this potato, they’re supposed to go together, you can’t open the bag, so you put them together the best you can. Just dropping the bag in the potato bin and letting an employee take care of it doesn’t cross your mind. There have been times when I’ve wondered if being a woman is like going through life on a permanent acid trip. 

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9,631

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9 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

There have been times when I’ve wondered if being a woman is like going through life on a permanent acid trip. 

Your post was exactly the in-depth analysis my wife would have in a conversation with me (or hopefully, instead, her mother). I’d say you have a pretty good grasp on what it’s like to be a woman. 

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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12,629

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16 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

They look similar but I can buy that. I still question the single potato purchase (what recipe calls for one potato in a household of at least two people?) and the half-tied knot. 
 

It’s weird. I buy potatoes by the bag and I’m a single guy who often uses just one potato when cooking. When I buy other things like onions, garlic, lemons, or limes, where I’m just buying one or two of each, I won’t bother with a produce bag. 

A lot of soup recipes call for one potato 

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Pokoloco

Pokoloco 1,298

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So the wife asks me if any co-workers gave me a Christmas gift.

Me: I got a box of really good toffee, I'll bring it home next time I go in.

Her:  *makes a face*  well that's weird. Seems like an odd gift.

Me; No, not really, I got some before- it's really good.

Her: Doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Me: I guess it can??

I come home with the toffee, open the box to give her some.

Her: *gets that little kid look on her face, I know some Trixie shit is coming* Oh, THIS is toffee??  I thought it was pink and stretchy.

Me: For fucks sake, that's Taffy. 

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9,631

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18 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

So the wife asks me if any co-workers gave me a Christmas gift.

Me: I got a box of really good toffee, I'll bring it home next time I go in.

Her:  *makes a face*  well that's weird. Seems like an odd gift.

Me; No, not really, I got some before- it's really good.

Her: Doesn't that hurt your teeth?

Me: I guess it can??

I come home with the toffee, open the box to give her some.

Her: *gets that little kid look on her face, I know some Trixie shit is coming* Oh, THIS is toffee??  I thought it was pink and stretchy.

Me: For fucks sake, that's Taffy. 

What kind of toffee is it?  

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52-80

52-80 19,377

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We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

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tigol

tigol 2,482

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We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 
Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg
The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 
Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 
It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.
So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.
 

My husband does the same shit. He also puts the heat pump on emergency mode. It is a constant fucking battle and our bill is going to be awesome.
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NYTransplant

NYTransplant 149

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18 hours ago, tigol said:


My husband does the same shit. He also puts the heat pump on emergency mode. It is a constant fucking battle and our bill is going to be awesome.

Shit, have you tried mansplaining to him what emergency mode is/does? Tell him to keep his f'ing hands off the thermostat and go back to making you a sandwich and opening that beer.

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tigol

tigol 2,482

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Shit, have you tried mansplaining to him what emergency mode is/does? Tell him to keep his f'ing hands off the thermostat and go back to making you a sandwich and opening that beer.

Yes. Many times. I sent him several links. But, I am a female and there is no way in hell I know more about it. Infuriating.
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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 19,363

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So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....

Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 

Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 

Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 

Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 

Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 

Her: more confusion + tone

Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).

Happy Hour Reaction GIF by Laff 

 

Edited by Dennis Taylor
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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13,255

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4 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....

Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 

Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 

Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 

Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 

Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 

Her: more confusion + tone

Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).

Happy Hour Reaction GIF by Laff 

 

Start asking for gift cards and do the same thing. You'll have a new set of irons, a shotgun, or whatever in no time.

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tbone_

tbone_ 14,451

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So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....
Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 
Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 
Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 
Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 
Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 
Her: more confusion + tone
Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).
200.gif 
 

There is no way to win. You realize this right?
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Lone Star Horn

Lone Star Horn 2,071

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I posted this joke from reddit on the Lame Joke thread, but fits here.

Quote

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

 

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10,097

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On 12/29/2022 at 2:45 PM, 52-80 said:

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

Then lock the keypad and don't give her app access. 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8,886

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Posted
On 12/29/2022 at 2:45 PM, 52-80 said:

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

Curious,  whereabouts do you live to have a whopper electric bill like that?

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956 Worldwide

956 Worldwide 35,594

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On 12/16/2022 at 7:42 AM, Lhorn said:

Last night I was talking with the wife on the phone while we were both driving home (both on Bluetooth, not holding a phone).  All of a sudden she say “oh God!” Followed by a bunch of muffled noises for 5 seconds or so.  I truly thought I was hearing her have a car accident.  Turns out she had run up on a median of some sort.  As she tried to move the car off of it, she could hear scraping underneath the car.  I told her to call AAA and not tear the hole in the oil pan trying to move the car.  A Good Samaritan was able to check it out and help her back the car off the obstruction with no apparent damage to the car. 
 

This morning she calls me and tells me she ripped the passenger side mirror off the fucking car backing the car out of the garage. 
 

For fuck sake.   She’s done that at least 3-4 times with her previous cars.  

My wife did this with our four month old (well, four month old to us) Honda Pilot with some door and fender damage for good measure, and then she did the same thing to the Ford Escape rental we used while our car was in the shop.

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Sawbonz

Sawbonz 28,228

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On 12/31/2022 at 5:40 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

So kids and I get the wife gift cards to this store she routinely spends too much at. Checking account always takes an ass whipping in December so we got these a couple months in advance.  She announces she's taking her cards there today. Ok great.  Comes home with a bunch of chick crap a couple hours later. I'm checking the bank account to pay some bills and see a fairly significant amount charged at the same store ....

Me : Why do I see this charge? That's why we got you the gift cards. 

Her: I didn't see anything big I really wanted. I'm saving the gift cards for that. 

Me: The point of the gift cards is to not impact the checking account. Now it's actually twice as much impact on the checking account 

Her: (confused puppy that hears a strange noise look)...how? I only spent X. 

Me: We got you gift cards for X, you just spent X from our account instead of the gift card. That's 2X total. 

Her: more confusion + tone

Me: (I better shut up if I want to have any activities tonight).

Happy Hour Reaction GIF by Laff 

 

I got to “gift cards” in the first sentence and knew where you were going

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18,103

Posted
Posted
On 12/29/2022 at 2:45 PM, 52-80 said:

We left for the holidays in the 12th. Wife lowered heaters to 60*F but refused to turn it and the water boiler off.
 

Her rationale is when we return, (1) she cant wait the few hours to bring system back up to temp (fine, subjective) and (2) it will consume *more* electricity to do so (no, this is not how physics work). 
314B7BCC-1A1F-465B-AF64-D3A2E3070F5E.jpeg.3328281582dc953145531454278e8c58.jpeg

The bar graph is basically just the heaters working against the ambient temp. We’re burning ~40kWh a day keeping an empty residence warmed. 

Electric bill is $600+ so far and theres still a few days left in the month. We’re also not returning until middle of January. 

It would’ve been more cost effective to drop her off at a luxury hotel while waiting for the house to heat up. Or, to light cash on fire for the warmth.

So anyway, im buying a wifi connected thermostat to end this nonsense.

 

You have remote access to all that data but can't shut it off remotely?

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ImissWallyPryor

ImissWallyPryor 9,046

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We were at our cabin for Christmas, and I had driven my F150. My wife insisted on going to town with one of my daughters for some after-Christmas shopping.

They get home after dark, and I see her maneuvering back and forth in the driveway. I go outside to help because I was afraid she would hit someone else’s car. By the time I got out there, she - with my daughter as navigator -  only had one tire on the concrete.

It’s not as flat as it appears in this pic, but if she had continued backing up, she would’ve been down in the creek. As it turns out, she had unilaterally decided to drive my daughter to the airport for her early morning flight and didn’t want to back out of the driveway in the dark.

I told her to pull onto flat ground and let me park the truck. Zoom in for tire tracks as well as snow tracks:

270-DBB89-852-C-46-CC-ADE5-2-E44-EC21-B5

Edited by ImissWallyPryor
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markstanco

markstanco 12,794

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So my youngest likes popcorn. Who doesn’t. My wife thought it would be a good idea to get this for him for Christmas. WTF am I going to do with this thing? It stays in the way of a small audio video closet. And no we haven’t used it yet, but yes he has had microwave popcorn twice since Christmas.

e9731f508ae39a6047fb1cb51cff9081.jpg

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