Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Jhawkmvp 1,514]

On 7/10/2018 at 1:46 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife has never once called me at work the entire time we've known each other. Always just text or calls my cell. We just got back from vacation, so I'm way behind. She took today off. I'm on the phone with a customer. See he try to call me twice on my cell. Then she text. "Call me ASAP!!" Then I see see her cell number come up on the caller ID of my office phone while I'm still on it. Then a co worker comes in "Hey - your wife just called my line, I put her on hold - line two"

I quickly get off the phone because I figured something horrible happened.

 

Me "Hey - is something wrong??"

Her "No, I was just going to schedule a doctors appointment for you. When is a good time?"

 

WTF???

This reminds me of something that happened to my sister's brother-in-law. He was in a meeting at work and his wife calls him and hysterically tells him to come to highway X, where she has pulled over to the median, and help her. She has a situation. He told her to call a garage to come deal with her car, but she says it is not her car, and that he has to come help her himself. Now he understands his wife is the perfect blonde stereotype and that it will be something ridiculous; however, it is his wife so he excuses himself from the meeting and drives out to where she is pulled over.

He gets there and she is standing outside the car. He asks her what is the problem and she says "it" is under the driver's seat and he needs to remove "it". So he asks what "it" is and she says a turtle. So of course he asks how the hell a turtle got under the driver's seat. She says she was driving down the highway and saw a turtle crossing the road. She pulled over and picked it up and put it under the driver's seat so it would not get run over. She drove off and everything was fine for a few minutes until the turtle started to trying to bite her feet as she is driving. That is when she pulled over to the median to call him for help. She says the turtle is very angry.

He goes to the car and opens the driver's side door to see this turtle, basically expecting a small box turtle or something. Turns out his wife had picked up a full grown snapping turtle and stuck it under her driver's seat.  

[Trey3216 15,450]

8 hours ago, Jhawkmvp said:

This reminds me of something that happened to my sister's brother-in-law. He was in a meeting at work and his wife calls him and hysterically tells him to come to highway X, where she has pulled over to the median, and help her. She has a situation. He told her to call a garage to come deal with her car, but she says it is not her car, and that he has to come help her himself. Now he understands his wife is the perfect blonde stereotype and that it will be something ridiculous; however, it is his wife so he excuses himself from the meeting and drives out to where she is pulled over.

He gets there and she is standing outside the car. He asks her what is the problem and she says "it" is under the driver's seat and he needs to remove "it". So he asks what "it" is and she says a turtle. So of course he asks how the hell a turtle got under the driver's seat. She says she was driving down the highway and saw a turtle crossing the road. She pulled over and picked it up and put it under the driver's seat so it would not get run over. She drove off and everything was fine for a few minutes until the turtle started to trying to bite her feet as she is driving. That is when she pulled over to the median to call him for help. She says the turtle is very angry.

He goes to the car and opens the driver's side door to see this turtle, basically expecting a small box turtle or something. Turns out his wife had picked up a full grown snapping turtle and stuck it under her driver's seat.  

Holy shit!!!   This may be the post of the year. 

[HenryJames 67,116]

When I went out to Hi Sign a few months ago, there was an alligator snapping turtle on Old Bastrop Highway.

I didn't pick it up.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,963]

9 hours ago, Jhawkmvp said:

This reminds me of something that happened to my sister's brother-in-law. He was in a meeting at work and his wife calls him and hysterically tells him to come to highway X, where she has pulled over to the median, and help her. She has a situation. He told her to call a garage to come deal with her car, but she says it is not her car, and that he has to come help her himself. Now he understands his wife is the perfect blonde stereotype and that it will be something ridiculous; however, it is his wife so he excuses himself from the meeting and drives out to where she is pulled over.

He gets there and she is standing outside the car. He asks her what is the problem and she says "it" is under the driver's seat and he needs to remove "it". So he asks what "it" is and she says a turtle. So of course he asks how the hell a turtle got under the driver's seat. She says she was driving down the highway and saw a turtle crossing the road. She pulled over and picked it up and put it under the driver's seat so it would not get run over. She drove off and everything was fine for a few minutes until the turtle started to trying to bite her feet as she is driving. That is when she pulled over to the median to call him for help. She says the turtle is very angry.

He goes to the car and opens the driver's side door to see this turtle, basically expecting a small box turtle or something. Turns out his wife had picked up a full grown snapping turtle and stuck it under her driver's seat.  

[Upgrayedd 5,861]

1 hour ago, HenryJames said:

When I went out to Hi Sign a few months ago, there was an alligator snapping turtle on Old Bastrop Highway.

I didn't pick it up.

You insensitive bastard.

[pearlandhorn 3,343]

On 6/21/2018 at 7:40 PM, Penelope said:

I have at lot to contribute to this thread. Unfortunately, he is not my wife ( obviously). I promise I will not turn try to turn this into a man hating thread. However, I humbly submit these reasons why I should be allowed to post on this thread . 

#1  He owns more shoes than I do ( I own a lot of shoes)

# 2  He doesn't watch football (I am a rabid Packers/ Badgers fan)

#3 And most importantly HE'S an AGGIE

What say you Shag I mean Surlyhorns?  That must be enough evidence for a special deference ?  I literally have gold for stupid things. And he must count as a woman right? He matches all of the criteria?  I promise I won't let you down

My first submission is he thought both sides of the sink go to the garbage disposal. Had no clue that there was a difference.

 

On 6/21/2018 at 8:03 PM, Penelope said:

I would agree with you, except he does not do dishes. They few times he has rinsed a dish, in my presence, it was on the wrong side, every time. 

You married a woman.

[Beau Vine 55,824]

1 hour ago, HenryJames said:

When I went out to Hi Sign a few months ago, there was an alligator snapping turtle on Old Bastrop Highway.

I didn't pick it up.

A few years ago, I was running in my neighborhood and down by the creek I see a car pulled over and a lady standing in the road next to what looks like a big rock.  I get closer and see that she's reaching down to the "rock," which is actually a huge snapping turtle.  I scream at her to get away. 

She says, "I was just trying to help him across the road."

I looked at her like she was insane, grabbed an old 2X4 that was lying by the side of the road, and stuck it in front of the turtle.

Lightning fast, that thing darted his head out and literally took a big bite out of the board. 

I looked back at the lady, and she says, "Oh my, I didn't know he would do that!"

[ImissWallyPryor 9,046]

On 7/10/2018 at 7:25 AM, HornOnTheBayou said:

The idea of breaking down a box before putting it in the trash is foreign to my wife.

My wife makes the most pitiful half-hearted attempt to crush empty gallon milk jugs. The only reason I know she tried is because there is a slight indentation in one side. That’s it. Forget about breaking down a box. 

[ImissWallyPryor 9,046]

On 7/10/2018 at 10:04 AM, WhatTheBuck said:

Nothing wrong with that. That's like being the designated popper of bubble wrap. 

Oh, and I like nothing better than finding a trash bag full of mostly unpopped bubble wrap (the kind with larger pillow-shaped bubbles).

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

16 minutes ago, ImissWallyPryor said:

My wife makes the most pitiful half-hearted attempt to crush empty gallon milk jugs. The only reason I know she tried is because there is a slight indentation in one side. That’s it. Forget about breaking down a box. 

Tell her to take the top off.

 

The milk jug, too.

[TrashMaster G 18,030]

6 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Tell her to take the top off.

 

The milk jug, too.

Repetitive.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,873]

4 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Holy shit!!!   This may be the post of the year. 

Definitely all-time top 5.

[G650 14,421]

15 hours ago, Jhawkmvp said:

This reminds me of something that happened to my sister's brother-in-law. He was in a meeting at work and his wife calls him and hysterically tells him to come to highway X, where she has pulled over to the median, and help her. She has a situation. He told her to call a garage to come deal with her car, but she says it is not her car, and that he has to come help her himself. Now he understands his wife is the perfect blonde stereotype and that it will be something ridiculous; however, it is his wife so he excuses himself from the meeting and drives out to where she is pulled over.

He gets there and she is standing outside the car. He asks her what is the problem and she says "it" is under the driver's seat and he needs to remove "it". So he asks what "it" is and she says a turtle. So of course he asks how the hell a turtle got under the driver's seat. She says she was driving down the highway and saw a turtle crossing the road. She pulled over and picked it up and put it under the driver's seat so it would not get run over. She drove off and everything was fine for a few minutes until the turtle started to trying to bite her feet as she is driving. That is when she pulled over to the median to call him for help. She says the turtle is very angry.

He goes to the car and opens the driver's side door to see this turtle, basically expecting a small box turtle or something. Turns out his wife had picked up a full grown snapping turtle and stuck it under her driver's seat.  

Winning.

[936horn 942]

7 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Holy shit!!!   This may be the post of the year. 

 

15 hours ago, Jhawkmvp said:

This reminds me of something that happened to my sister's brother-in-law. He was in a meeting at work and his wife calls him and hysterically tells him to come to highway X, where she has pulled over to the median, and help her. She has a situation. He told her to call a garage to come deal with her car, but she says it is not her car, and that he has to come help her himself. Now he understands his wife is the perfect blonde stereotype and that it will be something ridiculous; however, it is his wife so he excuses himself from the meeting and drives out to where she is pulled over.

He gets there and she is standing outside the car. He asks her what is the problem and she says "it" is under the driver's seat and he needs to remove "it". So he asks what "it" is and she says a turtle. So of course he asks how the hell a turtle got under the driver's seat. She says she was driving down the highway and saw a turtle crossing the road. She pulled over and picked it up and put it under the driver's seat so it would not get run over. She drove off and everything was fine for a few minutes until the turtle started to trying to bite her feet as she is driving. That is when she pulled over to the median to call him for help. She says the turtle is very angry.

He goes to the car and opens the driver's side door to see this turtle, basically expecting a small box turtle or something. Turns out his wife had picked up a full grown snapping turtle and stuck it under her driver's seat.  

Wife must be smokin hot.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,998]

16 hours ago, Jhawkmvp said:

This reminds me of something that happened to my sister's brother-in-law. He was in a meeting at work and his wife calls him and hysterically tells him to come to highway X, where she has pulled over to the median, and help her. She has a situation. He told her to call a garage to come deal with her car, but she says it is not her car, and that he has to come help her himself. Now he understands his wife is the perfect blonde stereotype and that it will be something ridiculous; however, it is his wife so he excuses himself from the meeting and drives out to where she is pulled over.

He gets there and she is standing outside the car. He asks her what is the problem and she says "it" is under the driver's seat and he needs to remove "it". So he asks what "it" is and she says a turtle. So of course he asks how the hell a turtle got under the driver's seat. She says she was driving down the highway and saw a turtle crossing the road. She pulled over and picked it up and put it under the driver's seat so it would not get run over. She drove off and everything was fine for a few minutes until the turtle started to trying to bite her feet as she is driving. That is when she pulled over to the median to call him for help. She says the turtle is very angry.

He goes to the car and opens the driver's side door to see this turtle, basically expecting a small box turtle or something. Turns out his wife had picked up a full grown snapping turtle and stuck it under her driver's seat.  

Pics of sister's brother in law's wife's snapper?

[HenryJames 67,116]

7 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

A few years ago, I was running in my neighborhood and down by the creek I see a car pulled over and a lady standing in the road next to what looks like a big rock.  I get closer and see that she's reaching down to the "rock," which is actually a huge snapping turtle.  I scream at her to get away. 

She says, "I was just trying to help him across the road."

I looked at her like she was insane, grabbed an old 2X4 that was lying by the side of the road, and stuck it in front of the turtle.

Lightning fast, that thing darted his head out and literally took a big bite out of the board. 

I looked back at the lady, and she says, "Oh my, I didn't know he would do that!"

Cool story beau.

[ROFL BOX 6,654]

13 hours ago, 936horn said:

 

Wife must be smokin hot.

A bit crabby as well.

[Fudge Nuggets 19,407]

20 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

 

You married a woman.

She did say he’s an Aggie so everything makes sense.

[TrashMaster G 18,030]

5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

A bit crabby as well.

ISWYDT

[Superhero 8,990]

My 3 YO son wanted to poop while we’re out, so I take him to the restroom and put the butt gasket over the seat.

The little bugger tells me I put it on the wrong way, because “Mama always puts it the other way!”

Apparently my wife put the flap on the back of the rim because “it looks right”. Who cares about my son’s junk touch the front of the rim where 387 have already peed and pooped on.

 

[Lhorn 5,080]

On 7/10/2018 at 1:45 PM, NWBuck said:

Rage inducing... as is the ongoing tradition of stacking dirty plates on the counter above our built in dishwasher.

I get yelled at for putting dirty dishes in the sink. I like to do them at one time at the end of the day. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is no neat freak.  She routinely leaves her dishes on the counter beside the sink and not uncommonly eats at the table and simply gets up and walks away leaving her dish on the table.  

Similar to the trash can thing she used to leave kitchen garbage (packages and such) on the count directly above the trash compactor.  

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

46 minutes ago, Lhorn said:

I get yelled at for putting dirty dishes in the sink. I like to do them at one time at the end of the day. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is no neat freak.  She routinely leaves her dishes on the counter beside the sink

Wife does the same, and I'm the same as you.  I don't give a shit how many dishes are in the sink, a water soaked dish is a lot easier to clean than a plate with hardened [whatever] on it.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

24 minutes ago, thestud said:

Why pile shit up from throughout the day when it takes 3 seconds to give a quick rinse and drop in the dishwasher?

A good point.  Different levels of laziness, and you're at one end of the spectrum.  We set the curve.   

Edited July 12, 2018 by ernest_t_bass

[Pato del Muerto 53,331]

i too have to open the biscuit tubes because reasons. 

So I couldn’t help myself today when we received a new mattress for the kids bed and it was vacuum packed and rolled. I waited until she got about halfway down the plastic with the scissors, then I yelled BOOM. 

I thought she was going to come at me with the scissors. Worth it. 

[Bevo14 8,468]

Amusing thread.  Title is a massive understatement. 

[HenryJames 67,116]

Surly likes to under promise and over deliver.

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

13 hours ago, Lhorn said:

I get yelled at for putting dirty dishes in the sink.

This is not the "Wives and the intelligent things they say / do" thread. Clean you shit up, man.

[You don't know me 1,163]

7 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

This is not the "Wives and the intelligent things they say / do" thread. Clean you shit up, man.

But what about the rest:

"She routinely leaves her dishes on the counter beside the sink and not uncommonly eats at the table and simply gets up and walks away leaving her dish on the table."

What I got out of that post is that she will get onto him for putting dirty dishes in the sink while she will leave her dirty dishes on the table and counter.  A bit (lot) hypocritical, but kind of typical.

[Trey3216 15,450]

39 minutes ago, You don't know me said:

But what about the rest:

"She routinely leaves her dishes on the counter beside the sink and not uncommonly eats at the table and simply gets up and walks away leaving her dish on the table."

What I got out of that post is that she will get onto him for putting dirty dishes in the sink while she will leave her dirty dishes on the table and counter.  A bit (lot) hypocritical, but kind of typical.

So...hypotypical?  

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

47 minutes ago, You don't know me said:

But what about the rest:

"She routinely leaves her dishes on the counter beside the sink and not uncommonly eats at the table and simply gets up and walks away leaving her dish on the table."

What I got out of that post is that she will get onto him for putting dirty dishes in the sink while she will leave her dirty dishes on the table and counter.  A bit (lot) hypocritical, but kind of typical.

She's a wife. She does stupid things. It is known.

[You don't know me 1,163]

2 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

She's a wife. She does stupid things. It is known.

Yeah, I know, water's wet and all that.

[PvilleStang 2,974]

I for one hate when dishes are rinsed and left in the sink.  Then you go to rinse a dish covered in marinara (for instance) and now all the rinsed dishes are covered in it.  Rinse it and stick it in the dish washer, or leave it on the counter, but don't leave it in the sink to get covered in more shit.

[Flg8rfan 201]

I’m in the robe immediately and put in the dishwasher crowd, otherwise leave it on the counter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PvilleStang 2,974]

41 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

I’m in the robe immediately and put in the dishwasher crowd, otherwise leave it on the counter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I guess that's better than disrobing then doing the dishes?

[Trey3216 15,450]

We have two sinks.  I rinse in the left sink and place in the right sink if the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded, but put in the dishwasher if it's empty.   Only problem, wife will unlock the dishwasher after it's done and not put the dishes away.  So unlocked dishwasher to me means dirty dishes.  Shakes head.

[TrashMaster G 18,030]

27 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

We have two sinks.  I rinse in the left sink and place in the right sink if the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded, but put in the dishwasher if it's empty.   Only problem, wife will unlock the dishwasher after it's done and not put the dishes away.  So unlocked dishwasher to me means dirty dishes.  Shakes head.

Anybody who unlocks the dishwasher and does not immediately empty said dishwasher get yelled at.  They are terrible human beings.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22,241]

Y'all must live in some pretty tough neighborhoods if you have to lock your dishwasher.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,963]

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Y'all must live in some pretty tough neighborhoods if you have to lock your dishwasher.

your floor must be rotted out if you leave your dishwasher unlocked at all times

[Flg8rfan 201]

I guess that's better than disrobing then doing the dishes?

Group, frikkin autocorrect lol!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[American Swindle 102]

20 hours ago, thestud said:

Why pile shit up from throughout the day when it takes 3 seconds to give a quick rinse and drop in the dishwasher? WTF is wrong with you people I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Also, my wife refuses to rinse anything off before putting it in the dishwasher, then gets so annoyed when dishes come out with food particles still on them. I believe a few weeks ago I heard "Is this thing still under warranty? It's not washing very good." My response was not appreciated 

My thing is when the dishwasher is full of clean dishes my wife likes to fill cups that have been used with water and let them sit until we empty the dishwasher.  I get pissed because i rinse my dish and let it chill with no food on it so it doesn't attract flies and stink n' shit, she'll never do it to spite me it seems!

[AM Wood 335]

4 hours ago, American Swindle said:

My thing is when the dishwasher is full of clean dishes my wife likes to fill cups that have been used with water and let them sit until we empty the dishwasher.  I get pissed because i rinse my dish and let it chill with no food on it so it doesn't attract flies and stink n' shit, she'll never do it to spite me it seems!

What a whore.

[tejas60 3,542]

y'all are some anal retentive dish washing bitches. 

I hate dishwashers. don't have one now and didn't use the fucking thing when I had one. gotta rinse that fucker off before you put it in a dishwasher? use some soap, rinse, dry, and put that motherfucker away.

JesusTittyFuckingChrist

[AM Wood 335]

9 hours ago, tejas60 said:

y'all are some anal retentive dish washing bitches. 

I hate dishwashers. don't have one now and didn't use the fucking thing when I had one. gotta rinse that fucker off before you put it in a dishwasher? use some soap, rinse, dry, and put that motherfucker away.

JesusTittyFuckingChrist

So what do you use to fill that hole in the cabinets in your trailer?

Edited July 14, 2018 by AM Wood

[tejas60 3,542]

booze

[tbone_ 14,409]

It’s not that hard. Rinse the shit in the sink. Use the dishwasher’s 8 billion degree water to defunk all the dishes.

[BearMace 2,243]

37 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

It’s not that hard. Rinse the shit in the sink. Use the dishwasher’s 8 billion degree water to defunk all the dishes.

This. It's about that funk. You gotta wash your (gl)ass!!

[ABSR 5,357]

On 7/13/2018 at 9:31 AM, PvilleStang said:

I for one hate when dishes are rinsed and left in the sink.  Then you go to rinse a dish covered in marinara (for instance) and now all the rinsed dishes are covered in it.  Rinse it and stick it in the dish washer, or leave it on the counter, but don't leave it in the sink to get covered in more shit.

Problem with rinse and place in dishwasher is two-fold.   

First is that she and kids are not emptying the dishwasher. Not a battle I can win.  So they would be shoving dirty dishes in with the clean half the time.

Second issue is that if my wife put dishes in the dishwasher we could only fit half of a normal load before the dishwasher was piled with misplaced dishes.   Every evening i would have to unload the dirty dish washer and then reload it so all the dirty dishes would fit.  Also probably having to properly rinse a lot of them as well and pick pieces of food out of the dishwasher as they were not properly rinsed when put in originally.

I like the concept, but no way it works in real application in absr home.

[EastTexan 666]

On July 10, 2018 at 1:05 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

well. she doesnt compact it with her hand like i assume you do. Im able to get an extra day out of our would be full trash bag by pushing down it with a plate or something that im done using. My wife will toss anything into the trash, or recycle can and allow it to stack on top of each other.

Fact

[Newdoc 3,508]

Dishwasher talk 2018 not going away.

[Pato del Muerto 53,331]

41 minutes ago, Newdoc said:

Dishwasher talk 2018 not going away.

Well, this is the dish washers and the stupid shit they say and do thread...