Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[hullabelew 3,730]

Back on track you assholes.

On the plus side, my wife was out of town for 3 glorious weeks. Three fucking weeks and not one hassle.

Now I'm paying the price.
1-listening to every minute of everything she did while gone
2- a million questions of "what did you do"
3- she comes home with a car load of more "cute antiques". Each, all have plans for future use that shall never materialize.
4-. More spices, teas and olive oils along with a member to the "Olive Oil of the Month " Club. The gift that just keeps on giving. See pic below.

Oh, while gone see texts me asking what the best GPS was. Nevermind she has navigation in her car and on her fucking phone. I don't give a shit about the money.....but why another GPS unit to keep up with. Sure already had one......I have yet to broach the subject on the need for another.

To return to the plus side, she is going out of town again next week.

[Modessit 5,665]

Maybe you could ask her boyfriend to let her keep some of that shit at his house. Or at least let her stay longer.

[Brothahorn 10,096]

Hell, I wish my wife would just go to work on Saturdays like she is supposed to.

[BearCountry11 1,234]

Not my wife but someone’s wife.  Figured that still applies.  

Im playing golf this evening at Crystal Falls (Leander).  Hole #6 has a pretty big downslope and you can’t see about 40% of the fairway from the tee box.  I know there isn’t anyone playing in front of me so i go ahead and tee off.  I drive down the hill and notice there is a woman WALKING WITH HER BABY STROLLER ON THE CART PATH.  I stopped and let her know there are still people playing and she needs to be careful as she was walking right in the landing zone (my ball landed about 20 ft from her).  She proceeds to tell me she does this all the time and has never had an issue.  Also mentions that I need to be aware that people use the course for reasons other than golf...

[CycleTex87 3,003]

1 hour ago, BearCountry11 said:

Also mentions that I need to be aware that people use the course for reasons other than golf...

That’s an awesome statement. Reasons like trespassing?

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

1 hour ago, BearCountry11 said:

Not my wife but someone’s wife.  Figured that still applies.  

Im playing golf this evening at Crystal Falls (Leander).  Hole #6 has a pretty big downslope and you can’t see about 40% of the fairway from the tee box.  I know there isn’t anyone playing in front of me so i go ahead and tee off.  I drive down the hill and notice there is a woman WALKING WITH HER BABY STROLLER ON THE CART PATH.  I stopped and let her know there are still people playing and she needs to be careful as she was walking right in the landing zone (my ball landed about 20 ft from her).  She proceeds to tell me she does this all the time and has never had an issue.  Also mentions that I need to be aware that people use the course for reasons other than golf...

I might just go for a run on the freeway later, using the same logic.

[miguelito 11,449]

The good thing about those spice packs is that they last forever, because you're never going to use them.

[Trey3216 15,450]

20 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Not my wife but someone’s wife.  Figured that still applies.  

Im playing golf this evening at Crystal Falls (Leander).  Hole #6 has a pretty big downslope and you can’t see about 40% of the fairway from the tee box.  I know there isn’t anyone playing in front of me so i go ahead and tee off.  I drive down the hill and notice there is a woman WALKING WITH HER BABY STROLLER ON THE CART PATH.  I stopped and let her know there are still people playing and she needs to be careful as she was walking right in the landing zone (my ball landed about 20 ft from her).  She proceeds to tell me she does this all the time and has never had an issue.  Also mentions that I need to be aware that people use the course for reasons other than golf...

I use the backyard for a urinal on occasion as well, doesn’t mean it’s the most logical spot.   Well, on second thought, pissing in the backyard is unbelievably more logical than walking the baby on the golf course 

Edited July 16, 2018 by Trey3216

[Pato del Muerto 53,331]

I also pose in the backyard on occasion. 

[BearCountry11 1,234]

2 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

That’s an awesome statement. Reasons like trespassing?

Her stance was that, since it is a public course, it serves the same purpose as a public park.  Not joking.  

[WhatTheBuck 28,904]

May as well start using the public park as a driving range.

[mulletpelini 5,220]

I believe you are being irresponsible for not teaching her a lesson by driving a ball into her thick ass skull.

[Spartan52 151]

5 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

I use the backyard for a urinal on occasion as well, doesn’t mean it’s the most logical spot.   Well, on second thought, posing in the backyard is unbelievably more logical than walking the baby on the golf course 

nice humblebrag

[udaydanceparty 33]

12 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Not my wife but someone’s wife.  Figured that still applies.  

Im playing golf this evening at Crystal Falls (Leander).  Hole #6 has a pretty big downslope and you can’t see about 40% of the fairway from the tee box.  I know there isn’t anyone playing in front of me so i go ahead and tee off.  I drive down the hill and notice there is a woman WALKING WITH HER BABY STROLLER ON THE CART PATH.  I stopped and let her know there are still people playing and she needs to be careful as she was walking right in the landing zone (my ball landed about 20 ft from her).  She proceeds to tell me she does this all the time and has never had an issue.  Also mentions that I need to be aware that people use the course for reasons other than golf...

50 points?

 

[hullabelew 3,730]

On 7/14/2018 at 4:49 PM, Modessit said:

Maybe you could ask her boyfriend to let her keep some of that shit at his house. Or at least let her stay longer.

That is my wish.  I think she is going to see our oldest daughter this weekend.  I'm planning a family portrait of all of the different kinds of cooking oil we have.  And I honestly can't tell you the last time she cooked a meal, which makes the constant purchase of spices and cooking oil a bit of a questionable practice.  I blame the fucking Food Network and that shithole HGTV for at least part of this.  

Edited July 16, 2018 by hullabelew

[CycleTex87 3,003]

10 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Her stance was that, since it is a public course, it serves the same purpose as a public park.  Not joking.  

That's pretty thick headed of her.  I looked at the website, and the golf club appears to be a private company rather than a municipal course.  I would assume the course management does not agree with her assessment.  I mean, I walk the dog on the course near my house, but only at night when there is no one playing, and my college buddy and his girlfriend used a course near their area for purposes other than golf on dark nights.

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

She'll be the kind of moron who sues if she gets hit.

[TrashMaster G 18,030]

11 hours ago, BearCountry11 said:

Her stance was that, since it is a public course, it serves the same purpose as a public park.  Not joking.  

Did you inform her that she is a complete moron?

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

25 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Did you inform her that she is a complete moron?

Isn't that implied?

[TrashMaster G 18,030]

28 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Isn't that implied?

Yes, but do you think SHE gets that?

[Pato del Muerto 53,331]

1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

That's pretty thick headed of her.  I looked at the website, and the golf club appears to be a private company rather than a municipal course.  I would assume the course management does not agree with her assessment.  I mean, I walk the dog on the course near my house, but only at night when there is no one playing, and my college buddy and his girlfriend used a course near their area for purposes other than golf on dark nights.

Night putting. Putting at night. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

1 minute ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Night putting. Putting at night. 

Poor Mitch. Got expelled for that shit.

[Larry T. Spider 1,747]

Had a wisdom tooth extracted this morning. Have had gauze in my mouth all afternoon with a decent amount of bleeding.

wife: “did they numb you at all”?

me: no they just ripped it out of my jaw 1300’s style....

[Trey3216 15,450]

18 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

I also pose in the backyard on occasion. 

Yeah, that was an autocorrect I didn't catch 

[BearCountry11 1,234]

8 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Did you inform her that she is a complete moron?

I had exactly 2 hours to try and finish my round so I didn’t stay and argue.  I drove off as she was lecturing me.  Mid-sentence and all.  She was certain I was in the wrong for almost hitting her (again, couldn’t see her).  There was no swaying her opinion.  

[skipperj 377]

You had 30 seconds to whip it out and piss on her shoes and/or baby. Opportunity missed.

[Chilly Water 421]

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything. 

Today for the twenty thousandth time I forgot to grab a towel before showering so had walk dripping wet through the bedroom and down the hallway, soaking the floors along the way.I used to stash a couple towels in the cabinet over the toilet but they got moved so she can store the 900 rolls of toilet paper she buys every time there’s a sale on it somewhere.

Edited July 17, 2018 by Chilly Water

[skipperj 377]

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything. 
Today for the twenty thousandth time I forgot to grab a towel before showering so had walk dripping wet through the bedroom and down the hallway. I used to stash a couple towels in the cabinet over the toilet but they got moved so she can store the 900 rolls of toilet paper she buys every time there’s a sale on it somewhere.

So, 20000 times and you still haven’t adapted? It’s a wife. You gotta deal with some shit.

[Nivek 17,330]

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything. 
Today for the twenty thousandth time I forgot to grab a towel before showering so had walk dripping wet through the bedroom and down the hallway, soaking the floors along the way.I used to stash a couple towels in the cabinet over the toilet but they got moved so she can store the 900 rolls of toilet paper she buys every time there’s a sale on it somewhere.

Username and all that.

[BearSchlong 8,231]

Night putting. Putting at night. 

What's that golf course off research/183? Balcones? I banged a chick on one of the greens back in the early 90s. Behind her parents house. She was fun.

 

[WhatTheBuck 28,904]

2 hours ago, Chilly Water said:

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything.

The linen closet in the hallway outside the bathroom is extremely common and totally normal. She's not making up the term "linen closet." Many, many homes have them. 

[BearCountry11 1,234]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

What's that golf course off research/183? Balcones? I banged a chick on one of the greens back in the early 90s. Behind her parents house. She was fun.

 

Anyone on here a member at The Hills in Lakeway?  My buddy fucked some chick on 9th green during our wedding reception.  Surprised he didn’t get caught but it was dark.  

[markstanco 12,773]

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything. 
Today for the twenty thousandth time I forgot to grab a towel before showering so had walk dripping wet through the bedroom and down the hallway, soaking the floors along the way.I used to stash a couple towels in the cabinet over the toilet but they got moved so she can store the 900 rolls of toilet paper she buys every time there’s a sale on it somewhere.

Move 895 rolls of TP to linen closet, leave 5. Bring 2 towels over.

This is how you win-win.

[TKthunder2 5,058]

6 minutes ago, markstanco said:

Move 895 rolls of TP to linen closet, leave 5. Bring 2 towels over.

This is how you win-win.

Until 5 hours later when she finishes rolll number five and starts bitching that you moved her tp without her permission and tells you that you’ll need to get the plunger because she had to finish wiping with the cardboard tube and it clogged the toilet when she flushed it...and it’s all your fault.

[JimmyHoffa 1,188]

Heading to our son's room-

Wife- Don't wake him up, let him sleep!!!!!

Me- I'm wasn't planning on waking him up

literally 30 seconds later-

Wife heading to our son's room

Me- Why did you wake him up?

Wife- I was just giving him a kiss goodbye and when I did he woke up

 

[PencilPusher 454]

12 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

What's that golf course off research/183? Balcones? I banged a chick on one of the greens back in the early 90s. Behind her parents house. She was fun.

 

Balcones Country Club.......my old neighborhood area. And stuff like that never happened in that neighborhood..........😁

[TrashMaster G 18,030]

14 hours ago, Chilly Water said:

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything. 

Today for the twenty thousandth time I forgot to grab a towel before showering so had walk dripping wet through the bedroom and down the hallway, soaking the floors along the way.I used to stash a couple towels in the cabinet over the toilet but they got moved so she can store the 900 rolls of toilet paper she buys every time there’s a sale on it somewhere.

That's on you, dude.

[Jerry Callo 8,952]

19 hours ago, Larry T. Spider said:

Had a wisdom tooth extracted this morning. Have had gauze in my mouth all afternoon with a decent amount of bleeding.

wife: “did they numb you at all”?

me: no they just ripped it out of my jaw 1300’s style....

She was likely being sarcastic due to your excessive whinging.

[ulukinatme 1,768]

23 hours ago, Chilly Water said:

Normal people keep towels somewhere in the bathroom, maybe a cabinet near the shower. Not us. She insists on storing all the towels in a closet out in the hallway called “the linen closet”....an entire storage room dedicated to sheets and towels for a house that only the two of us live in. Forget trying to put anything else in there or she moves it and doesn’t say anything. 

Today for the twenty thousandth time I forgot to grab a towel before showering so had walk dripping wet through the bedroom and down the hallway, soaking the floors along the way.I used to stash a couple towels in the cabinet over the toilet but they got moved so she can store the 900 rolls of toilet paper she buys every time there’s a sale on it somewhere.

I think you're looking for the Husbands thread.  This one's on you.

I wish my wife would stockpile things when they're on sale.  That TP ain't going bad anytime soon...well, not until society evolves and we all start using the three seashells.

[Pato del Muerto 53,331]

18 minutes ago, ulukinatme said:

I think you're looking for the Husbands thread.  This one's on you.

I wish my wife would stockpile things when they're on sale.  That TP ain't going bad anytime soon...well, not until society evolves and we all start using the three seashells.

Even then there’s always Pinterest projects 

[Armybrat 41,319]

10 hours ago, PencilPusher said:

Balcones Country Club.......my old neighborhood area. And stuff like that never happened in that neighborhood..........😁

My brother built a house there in 1971 - he just sold it earlier this year. Hope you weren't banging my niece.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Armybrat

[luke duke 6,445]

Pics of niece to confirm.

[BearSchlong 8,231]

My brother built a house there in 1971 - he just sold it earlier this year. Hope you weren't banging my niece.

Is she named Jill? If so, it was her friend that I banged.

[EE2B 1,569]

Went out to the garage last night to grab a beer out of the fridge. Noticed that the freezer door was sticking out further than usual. Pulled it open and everything in there was a melted/thawed out. I threw away: 3 racks of beef plate ribs, 2 NY strips, a bacon wrapped pork tenderloin, standing rib roast, several containers of dairy free ice cream, several TV dinners and of course the two boxes of popsicles that my wife threw in there Sunday afternoon when she got back from the store. It was apparently easier to cram them in the small freezer than walk two feet and put them in the full size standup freezer right next to it.

[deadshank 24,654]

1 hour ago, EE2B said:

Went out to the garage last night to grab a beer out of the fridge. Noticed that the freezer door was sticking out further than usual. Pulled it open and everything in there was a melted/thawed out. I threw away: 3 racks of beef plate ribs, 2 NY strips, a bacon wrapped pork tenderloin, standing rib roast, several containers of dairy free ice cream, several TV dinners and of course the two boxes of popsicles that my wife threw in there Sunday afternoon when she got back from the store. It was apparently easier to cram them in the small freezer than walk two feet and put them in the full size standup freezer right next to it.

Is there enough room in the stand up freezer to put her corpse?

[Cheeseweasel 26,439]

10 hours ago, luke duke said:

Pics of niece to confirm.

Brat's niece is probably 75.

[Kennythetiger 9,584]

2 hours ago, EE2B said:

Went out to the garage last night to grab a beer out of the fridge. Noticed that the freezer door was sticking out further than usual. Pulled it open and everything in there was a melted/thawed out. I threw away: 3 racks of beef plate ribs, 2 NY strips, a bacon wrapped pork tenderloin, standing rib roast, several containers of dairy free ice cream, several TV dinners and of course the two boxes of popsicles that my wife threw in there Sunday afternoon when she got back from the store. It was apparently easier to cram them in the small freezer than walk two feet and put them in the full size standup freezer right next to it.

Did not laugh out loud.  

[luke duke 6,445]

Just because the meat was thawed, doesn’t mean that it was bad.

 

[Trey3216 15,450]

GO out to water the front yard this morning.  Come back in and smell something funny, yet frighteningly familiar.  Head to kitchen.  Shake head. Head to bedroom to tell wife who's brushing her teeth, "You left the damn gas on the stove on overnight.  Thank God we're not dead. Yet."  

[Armybrat 41,319]

2 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Brat's niece is probably 75.

Close.