Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Armybrat 41319]

11 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

13 hours ago, Armybrat said:

My brother built a house there in 1971 - he just sold it earlier this year. Hope you weren't banging my niece.

Is she named Jill? If so, it was her friend that I banged.

No, but I'll ask if she had a friend named Jill.

lulz

[MNLonghornFUKM 8963]

1 hour ago, luke duke said:

Just because the meat was thawed, doesn’t mean that it was bad.

 

always thinking..looks like you coulda had steaks for lunch and ribs for dinner. but its been open since sunday afternoon...50+ hrs in a probably 80+degree garage? wouldnt touch

Edited July 18, 2018 by MNLonghornFUKM

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

There is a 100% probability that if my wife is boiling anything it will spill over onto the stovetop.

Why might you ask?

Because Facetron

[Incredulity 11861]

There is 100% probability that if my wife is cooking anything the smoke alarm will go off.

 

FIFM

 

Can't get her to understand:

1.) you probaly shouldn't use all the burners at once

2.) if you do attempt multiple burners, there will be a much larger margin for error if they are not all set on High.

[lateshow 1319]

23 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

There is a 100% probability that if my wife is boiling anything it will spill over onto the stovetop.

Why might you ask?

Because Facetron

Pro Tip: Put a wooden spoon on the top of the pot. Stops that overflow from happening.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

14 minutes ago, lateshow said:

Pro Tip: Put a wooden spoon on the top of the pot. Stops that overflow from happening.

True, however you must be unclear on the title of this thread.  I've suggested many remedies and very few have been received.  

[lateshow 1319]

3 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

True, however you must be unclear on the title of this thread.  I've suggested many remedies and very few have been received.  

Yeah, my bad. Just maybe when you see her starting to boil something, slide a spoon on top to prevent a mess. Or goose her with it, just whichever. 

[elfenix 34658]

26 minutes ago, lateshow said:

Pro Tip: Put a wooden spoon on the top of the pot. Stops that overflow from happening.

TIL

[lateshow 1319]

Delete post

Edited July 18, 2018 by lateshow

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

 

2 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

GO out to water the front yard this morning.  Come back in and smell something funny, yet frighteningly familiar.  Head to kitchen.  Shake head. Head to bedroom to tell wife who's brushing her teeth, "You left the damn gas on the stove on overnight.  Thank God we're not dead. Yet."  

Had exact same thing happen.

[drt 645]

$1700 for a new tailgate for the truck.  It has a backup camera.  Apparently that crepe myrtle really came out of nowhere.

[Beau Vine 55824]

I told my wife that the light switch in the garage was multi-functional, that it could turn the light both on *AND* off.

She told me that I was an asshole.

Edited July 18, 2018 by Beau Vine

[TrashMaster G 18030]

20 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

I told my wife that the light switch in the garage was multi-functional, that it could turn the light both on *AND* off.

She told me that I was an asshole.

So, you were both right.

[Trey3216 15450]

52 minutes ago, drt said:

$1700 for a new tailgate for the truck.  It has a backup camera.  Apparently that crepe myrtle really came out of nowhere.

"It was an awkward angle"  

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

1 hour ago, drt said:

$1700 for a new tailgate for the truck.  It has a backup camera.  Apparently that crepe myrtle really came out of nowhere.

"Is that tree new?  It wasn't there before."  

[BlueGreySky 1065]

6 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

GO out to water the front yard this morning.  Come back in and smell something funny, yet frighteningly familiar.  Head to kitchen.  Shake head. Head to bedroom to tell wife who's brushing her teeth, "You left the damn gas on the stove on overnight.  Thank God we're not dead. Yet."  

jesus christ.

[Brewin’1up 34]

5 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

There is a 100% probability that if my wife is boiling anything it will spill over onto the stovetop.

Why might you ask?

Because Facetron

Same.

My wife is so inattentive to the pots she starts boiling on the stove, that when the smoke detector goes off and the kids say "Mommy's cooking!"

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3873]

3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I told my wife that the light switch in the garage was multi-functional, that it could turn the light both on *AND* off.

She told me that I was an asshole.

I should have linked the timer switches on prime day.  Those were my solution.  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00SNU8EUM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[AM Wood 335]

19 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

I should have linked the timer switches on prime day.  Those were my solution.  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00SNU8EUM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

They need to call those “wife switches” to alert husbands. I’ve got 5 of those throughout the house and garage.

[Dbeasy 15526]

Couldn’t get the DVD player to work and was trying different HDMI ports. The wife kept shouting out for me to try port HDM12 or HDM13. I could not figure out what the hell she was referring to, until I realized she was mixing up I for a 1.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

Ordered pizza for supper.

W - I like it when they cut it in squares.  You get more pizza.

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

I was out of town last weekend and my wife invited her sister's family over to swim in the pool.  We've only been in the house a little while and my wife doesn't know anything about the pool controls.  This was the first time she used the pool without me there.  She wanted to run the hot tub, so she calls me.  It was a too-long and very frustrating conversation that ended with me screaming at her and asking to talk to my brother in law so he could do the controls, but at one point I asked her if the fountains were running.  The reason I asked her this was to verify that she had moved the valves in the right way so that all of the suction and all of the return was flowing through the heater and the hot tub like it was supposed to. We have these two little water features that are just jets that spew little fountains of water up a foot or so.  If the fountains were going that meant she did not have the valves set right.  She kept answering me talking about the bubbles in the hot tub (which I also had to explain to her how to operate).  I was telling her, "The fountains!  The two little jets of water on the step platform!"  Silence.  "Where we set the baby's seat!" Silence.  "The fountains!" Silence. She still had no fucking idea what I was talking about.  "Jesus!  Let me talk to *brother-in-law*!!"

[Upgrayedd 5861]

Watches a movie recorded from TNT/Lifetime.  Sits through the commercials.

[Trey3216 15450]

34 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Watches a movie recorded from TNT/Lifetime.  Sits through the commercials.

Whilst staring at the phone no doubt...???

[babysdaddy 2731]

Anyone else's wife re-watching Dawson's Creek and then getting pissed when you don't want to watch it? No?  Fuck Pacey btw

[Upgrayedd 5861]

1 hour ago, Upgrayedd said:

Watches a movie recorded from TNT/Lifetime.  Sits through the commercials.

 

49 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Whilst staring at the phone no doubt...???

Candy Crush ain't gonna play itself 

[WhatTheBuck 28904]

1 hour ago, Trey3216 said:

Whilst staring at the phone no doubt...???

Isn't that what commercial breaks are for?

[uoftorange 1391]

7 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I was out of town last weekend and my wife invited her sister's family over to swim in the pool.  We've only been in the house a little while and my wife doesn't know anything about the pool controls.  This was the first time she used the pool without me there.  She wanted to run the hot tub, so she calls me.  It was a too-long and very frustrating conversation that ended with me screaming at her and asking to talk to my brother in law so he could do the controls, but at one point I asked her if the fountains were running.  The reason I asked her this was to verify that she had moved the valves in the right way so that all of the suction and all of the return was flowing through the heater and the hot tub like it was supposed to. We have these two little water features that are just jets that spew little fountains of water up a foot or so.  If the fountains were going that meant she did not have the valves set right.  She kept answering me talking about the bubbles in the hot tub (which I also had to explain to her how to operate).  I was telling her, "The fountains!  The two little jets of water on the step platform!"  Silence.  "Where we set the baby's seat!" Silence.  "The fountains!" Silence. She still had no fucking idea what I was talking about.  "Jesus!  Let me talk to *brother-in-law*!!"

That's what mobile app controllers are for.  Some guy got tired of his wife calling him while he wasn't home and said FUCK THIS, and created it

[Modessit 5665]

Anyone else's wife re-watching Dawson's Creek and then getting pissed when you don't want to watch it? No?  Fuck Pacey btw

I mentioned to my wife that he's in that Showtime series The Affair and now she's binge watching it because Pacey.

[Chopper 17429]

Mine ordered some "line caught king salmon" from Washington. Been hearing about how excited she was about it for a few days. A big fedex box showed up this morning containing six 6oz frozen filets packed on dry ice. Total cost $99. All I could say was, "I wonder if we're going to think this $50 a pound salmon is worth it after we eat it." ffs

[tbone_ 14409]

Maybe it’s wagyu salmon

[Pato del Muerto 53331]

48 minutes ago, Chopper said:

Mine ordered some "line caught king salmon" from Washington. Been hearing about how excited she was about it for a few days. A big fedex box showed up this morning containing six 6oz frozen filets packed on dry ice. Total cost $99. All I could say was, "I wonder if we're going to think this $50 a pound salmon is worth it after we eat it." ffs

Vital choice?

[txhorns 2421]

My wife hates shrimp

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

55 minutes ago, txhorns said:

My wife hates shrimp

Is that her nickname for your penis?

[Chopper 17429]

1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Vital choice?

Yep.

[JimmyHoffa 1188]

On 7/19/2018 at 3:02 PM, Upgrayedd said:

Watches a movie recorded from TNT/Lifetime.  Sits through the commercials.

 

Rents a movie from DirecTV for $5.99 instead of just watching it on Netflix for free. 

[deadshank 24654]

On 7/18/2018 at 7:28 PM, ernest_t_bass said:

Ordered pizza for supper.

W - I like it when they cut it in squares.  You get more pizza.

Yep.  My wife does the same thing. 

Me: You want a small or medium gluten-free, cage-free, free-roaming, no antibiotic, hand-crafted, cheese pizza for yourself?

Atom splitter:  How many slices come on the medium?

Me: (confer with TTech grad taking order) Uh, they're saying 8, babe.

Atom splitter:  Ooh, that's too many.  I'll take a small. 

[Pato del Muerto 53331]

That’s when I’d ask that the small be cut into 10 pieces. 

[GottaB 604]

 
Rents a movie from DirecTV for $5.99 instead of just watching it on Netflix for free. 

That’s a good one.

[After irth 1245]

When you’re traveling ...and you’re in Palestine, TX, ... and you’ve already shown her the joys of the Best Western... and your wife says, “Let’s just take it easy tonight.  Maybe tomorrow, we’ll go out.”

 

A) you want more?

B) you wanted it harder?

C) your boyfriend in Palestine isn’t home, huh?

D) show me a place that’s actually open tomorrow...and that’s where we’ll eat. 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11856]

On 7/20/2018 at 1:27 PM, Chopper said:

Mine ordered some "line caught king salmon" from Washington. Been hearing about how excited she was about it for a few days. A big fedex box showed up this morning containing six 6oz frozen filets packed on dry ice. Total cost $99. All I could say was, "I wonder if we're going to think this $50 a pound salmon is worth it after we eat it." ffs

I dare you to grind it up and make salmon croquettes.  

[MNLonghornFUKM 8963]

8 hours ago, After irth said:

When you’re traveling ...and you’re in Palestine, TX, ... and you’ve already shown her the joys of the Best Western... and your wife says, “Let’s just take it easy tonight.  Maybe tomorrow, we’ll go out.”

 

A) you want more?

B) you wanted it harder?

C) your boyfriend in Palestine isn’t home, huh?

D) show me a place that’s actually open tomorrow...and that’s where we’ll eat. 

[Guest]

On 7/20/2018 at 4:23 PM, deadshank said:

Yep.  My wife does the same thing. 

Me: You want a small or medium gluten-free, cage-free, free-roaming, no antibiotic, hand-crafted, cheese pizza for yourself?

Atom splitter:  How many slices come on the medium?

Me: (confer with TTech grad taking order) Uh, they're saying 8, babe.

Atom splitter:  Ooh, that's too many.  I'll take a small. 

Proud to have bilked you UT geniuses out of your cash, sir.

[miguelito 11449]

Yesterday my wife saved HUNDREDS of dollars while shopping at JC Penney.  She showed me the receipt and everything.  HUNDREDS.  I'm thinking of buying a boat, maybe 2 boats.

[Nolacycling 893]

44 minutes ago, miguelito said:

Yesterday my wife saved HUNDREDS of dollars while shopping at JC Penney.  She showed me the receipt and everything.  HUNDREDS.  I'm thinking of buying a boat, maybe 2 

That's the $ she's going to spend on tax-free day.

Edited July 22, 2018 by Nolacycling

[miguelito 11449]

Tax free?  That's just more money in the bank, amigo.

[Brothahorn 10096]

I dare you to grind it up and make salmon croquettes.  

With biscuits and syrup!

[crimsonlonghorn 2313]

On 7/19/2018 at 10:32 PM, uoftorange said:

That's what mobile app controllers are for.  Some guy got tired of his wife calling him while he wasn't home and said FUCK THIS, and created it

Hell, my next pool in my next house is going to be tricked out with all of the automatic controllers. I hate fucking with those valves myself, much less trying to tell my wife how to do it. 

[Fudge Nuggets 19407]

On 7/20/2018 at 7:27 PM, Chopper said:

Mine ordered some "line caught king salmon" from Washington. Been hearing about how excited she was about it for a few days. A big fedex box showed up this morning containing six 6oz frozen filets packed on dry ice. Total cost $99. All I could say was, "I wonder if we're going to think this $50 a pound salmon is worth it after we eat it." ffs

$44 / lb for us OCD detail freaks.

[Knoxtnhorn 6262]

17 hours ago, miguelito said:

Yesterday my wife saved HUNDREDS of dollars while shopping at JC Penney.  She showed me the receipt and everything.  HUNDREDS.  I'm thinking of buying a boat, maybe 2 boats.

Like clockwork man.  Like clockwork.  She always comes home with a bunch of stuff, starting the conversation with, "I saved....".  Last week she came home with this because it was on sale.  I said that'd be great if our boys were 3 years old; they're 6 and 11.  Her counter was that the 6 year-old needed core exercise.  I told her crunches were free.  Tone.