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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18114

Posted
Posted
On 7/31/2023 at 6:20 PM, Dennis Taylor said:

Youngest son is about to start sophomore year in college. Very limited opportunities for him to work so we supply his spending money. He has initially signed up for the Netflix account that we also use some. He recently had her switch it to come out of our account. 

Wife (to son)- I'll reimburse you for the months you paid for Netflix 

Son - Uhmm, ok (looks at me grinning because he knows what's about to happen)

Me (to wife)- You'll do what?

Wife- reimburse him

Me- Where do you think the original imbursement came from? 

Wife- huh ?

Me- it was our money that paid for it in the first place, he's not getting more for that

Wife- oh

 

Son - "Dad!  STFU!"

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nnm

nnm 37928

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

What I need is a young, horny sister-wife with no job and a car.  I'm beginning to think the Mormons were on to something.

Oh hell no. I don’t have the time or energy for a second wife. Or MIL. 

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tbone_

tbone_ 14455

Posted
Posted
Oh hell no. I don’t have the time or energy for a second wife. Or MIL. 

I could see this two ways. On the one hand, like you said wtf wants another woman bitching at you and not putting out. On the other hand, you’re already miserable so why not increase your chances at pussy by 100%?

Second MIL could be the deal breaker though.
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markstanco

markstanco 12798

Posted
Posted

Do you trust Waze on travel times for the most part? I do. Google uses every phone on the Waze app to see flow of traffic, times it is busier, etc. The only thing they can’t see is future major accidents.

So wife has to be in FTW at 11 tomorrow for an appointment. Per Waze it’s a 3:07 drive during the commute time I am going, or planned on going. Says leave at 7:43, cool.

Nope, she wants to leave at 6:15a in case of a wreck or I guess a nuclear bomb goes off in Greenville and we have to re-route to I-20.

She has to be there “around” 11 per the nurse for her 2P surgery.

207 miles. I told her I don’t leave that early for international flights out of dfw and got the eye roll.

Will promise to update tomorrow from the parking lot I will be sitting in for hours.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18114

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, tbone_ said:


I could see this two ways. On the one hand, like you said wtf wants another woman bitching at you and not putting out. On the other hand, you’re already miserable so why not increase your chances at pussy by 100%?

Second MIL could be the deal breaker though.

Marry sisters. Two wives, one MIL.

Profit.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9635

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, markstanco said:

Do you trust Waze on travel times for the most part? I do. Google uses every phone on the Waze app to see flow of traffic, times it is busier, etc. The only thing they can’t see is future major accidents.

So wife has to be in FTW at 11 tomorrow for an appointment. Per Waze it’s a 3:07 drive during the commute time I am going, or planned on going. Says leave at 7:43, cool.

Nope, she wants to leave at 6:15a in case of a wreck or I guess a nuclear bomb goes off in Greenville and we have to re-route to I-20.

What is this, some sort of a fucking brag?  

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2381

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, markstanco said:

Do you trust Waze on travel times for the most part? I do. Google uses every phone on the Waze app to see flow of traffic, times it is busier, etc. The only thing they can’t see is future major accidents.

So wife has to be in FTW at 11 tomorrow for an appointment. Per Waze it’s a 3:07 drive during the commute time I am going, or planned on going. Says leave at 7:43, cool.

Nope, she wants to leave at 6:15a in case of a wreck or I guess a nuclear bomb goes off in Greenville and we have to re-route to I-20.

She has to be there “around” 11 per the nurse for her 2P surgery.

207 miles. I told her I don’t leave that early for international flights out of dfw and got the eye roll.

Will promise to update tomorrow from the parking lot I will be sitting in for hours.

Waze may be ok in the city but once you get rural hasn't been very reliable. I was calling on a lot of wind farms in the Panhandle and New Mexico a couple of weeks ago with a factory rep who used Waze. It tried sending us on all kind of out of the way routes, sometimes adding 50+ miles to the trip. It may be because of the smaller sampling groups in those areas but it was wonky at best.

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nnm

nnm 37928

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Crapinon said:

Waze may be ok in the city but once you get rural hasn't been very reliable. I was calling on a lot of wind farms in the Panhandle and New Mexico a couple of weeks ago with a factory rep who used Waze. It tried sending us on all kind of out of the way routes, sometimes adding 50+ miles to the trip. It may be because of the smaller sampling groups in those areas but it was wonky at best.

Agreed. I spent some time at our family ranch in SE NM recently and found this to be true. Plus you can download map sections on Google maps, which helps because a lot of that area has spotty at best cell coverage. 

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
Just now, nnm said:

Agreed. I spent some time at our family ranch in SE NM recently and found this to be true. Plus you can download map sections on Google maps, which helps because a lot of that area has spotty at best cell coverage. 

Spotty at best is being kind.  Last time we were driving home from Ruidoso we took a detour to go to White Sands before heading back to Dallas.  Wife damn near had a panic attack when she didn’t have service for half an hour.  
 

Her: what if something happens?

Me:  we’ll figure it out.

her:  what if we get lost?

Me:  do you see that little E on the side of the rear view mirror?  That means we are going east.  As long as we continue going east we will be fine.  I also looked at a map before we left this morning and can get us home even if every electronic device in the car ceases to function.

 

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2381

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Posted
37 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

Spotty at best is being kind.  Last time we were driving home from Ruidoso we took a detour to go to White Sands before heading back to Dallas.  Wife damn near had a panic attack when she didn’t have service for half an hour.  
 

Her: what if something happens?

Me:  we’ll figure it out.

her:  what if we get lost?

Me:  do you see that little E on the side of the rear view mirror?  That means we are going east.  As long as we continue going east we will be fine.  I also looked at a map before we left this morning and can get us home even if every electronic device in the car ceases to function.

 

This probably belongs in the old's thread but since we travel in my wife's car it's applicable here; we still keep the old foldable, paper maps in her car. When we get off the beaten path it's nice to know what your option are.

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

This probably belongs in the old's thread but since we travel in my wife's car it's applicable here; we still keep the old foldable, paper maps in her car. When we get off the beaten path it's nice to know what your option are.

To get from White Sands to DFW you only have to turn twice.  You hang a right in Snyder and a left onto 20 in Sweetwater.  The only reason I even bothered to look at a map is because it was slightly different than the route we normally take.

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PvilleStang

PvilleStang 2996

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, markstanco said:

Do you trust Waze on travel times for the most part? I do. Google uses every phone on the Waze app to see flow of traffic, times it is busier, etc. The only thing they can’t see is future major accidents.

So wife has to be in FTW at 11 tomorrow for an appointment. Per Waze it’s a 3:07 drive during the commute time I am going, or planned on going. Says leave at 7:43, cool.

Nope, she wants to leave at 6:15a in case of a wreck or I guess a nuclear bomb goes off in Greenville and we have to re-route to I-20.

She has to be there “around” 11 per the nurse for her 2P surgery.

207 miles. I told her I don’t leave that early for international flights out of dfw and got the eye roll.

Will promise to update tomorrow from the parking lot I will be sitting in for hours.

Hd Reaction GIF by MOODMAN

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2381

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Posted
9 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

To get from White Sands to DFW you only have to turn twice.  You hang a right in Snyder and a left onto 20 in Sweetwater.  The only reason I even bothered to look at a map is because it was slightly different than the route we normally take.

I'll drive 50 miles out of my way to avoid Snyder. 

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2381

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Posted
28 minutes ago, conVINCEd said:

Where are you going 50 miles out of the way that is better?  West Texas sucks aside from the Allsups burritos.  The Dairy Queen was fine.

Lol. I just not fond of Snyder. And there are some amazing views when you get off the beaten path if you like high plains and vista's. Highway 207,from Post to I40 has some great scenery as do a lot of the highways up there. They're just not the quickest way to get anywhere. Last time I came back from Panhandle I saw 3 cars in 60 miles and I got to drive through the southern end of Palo Duro canyon. 

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

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Posted
19 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

Lol. I just not fond of Snyder. And there are some amazing views when you get off the beaten path if you like high plains and vista's. Highway 207,from Post to I40 has some great scenery as do a lot of the highways up there. They're just not the quickest way to get anywhere. Last time I came back from Panhandle I saw 3 cars in 60 miles and I got to drive through the southern end of Palo Duro canyon. 

Snyder sucks.  But if you are pulling into town at 10:00 and are tired and don’t want to push through to Dallas, the Holiday Inn is an attractive option.

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gyroprotagonist

gyroprotagonist 2597

Posted
Posted
On 8/2/2023 at 3:31 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

We have a special needs kid who can't stay in school or most camps.  We frequently get called to pick him up.  I am a lawyer; my wife is a personal trainer. Ironically, I generally have more flexibility in my job than she does, except when I don't.  When she is with a client, which is all the time she is working, she cannot take calls or leave.  If I am in court or a deposition or a client meeting, I REALLY can't leave.  Today I had a client meeting when I got a call from the camp to pick him up. Because my wife is almost totally unavailable an hour at a time, I didn't know if she would be able to respond or what, so I made the decision to go get him myself.  I asked another lawyer to cover the meeting (he was going to be in it anyway) and I left my office and texted my wife that I'm getting him and will take him to my office until she can pick him up.  This has happened numerous times before.

Since the last time, however, two things have happened.  1. My wife got busted for cheating the time clock at work (long, complicated story that is not entirely her fault, but still) so her hours are being heavily scrutinized and she has to meet a minimum or we lose our health insurance, 2. her step-brother is coming to town to visit her diminishing step-father today and she's picking him up from the airport. So it's complicated, which is why I was trying to make it less complicated by eliminating a variable - what fucking time can you come pick up our son from my office?

I texted her asking what time she would be able to pick him up.  I was more than willing to leave early or whatever I needed to do, but I didn't know when she might be able to pick him up.  I was expecting an answer that ended in "o'clock."  Instead, I got a bunch of words, none of which was "o'clock." Some of the words had to do with the time clock issue and picking up her brother from the airport. Then, when I complained about her not answering the question she says, "Fine! I'll just come get him now!" She's all pissed at me now.  WTMFF?

is picking up someone from the airport still a thing?  can step-bro not install uber on his phone?  i can't imagine asking someone to waste an hour or more of their time (especially middle of workday) to save $20.

 

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markstanco

markstanco 12798

Posted
Posted
On 8/2/2023 at 7:51 PM, markstanco said:

Do you trust Waze on travel times for the most part? I do. Google uses every phone on the Waze app to see flow of traffic, times it is busier, etc. The only thing they can’t see is future major accidents.

So wife has to be in FTW at 11 tomorrow for an appointment. Per Waze it’s a 3:07 drive during the commute time I am going, or planned on going. Says leave at 7:43, cool.

Nope, she wants to leave at 6:15a in case of a wreck or I guess a nuclear bomb goes off in Greenville and we have to re-route to I-20.

She has to be there “around” 11 per the nurse for her 2P surgery.

207 miles. I told her I don’t leave that early for international flights out of dfw and got the eye roll.

Will promise to update tomorrow from the parking lot I will be sitting in for hours.

Broke my promise, but late is better than never I guess.  

Ended up talking her in to leaving at 6:45.  9:50 we roll into the parking lot for her 11:15A (not 11A like I thought but I did find out 11:15 before we left). 

Soooo, since we were so early I drop her off and go to a starbucks around the corner to get a coffee.  I pass a Sunglass Hut so I swung in there and grabbed some new glasses.  Go back to the doctor's office with my coffee and sit there until about 11:30 when she finally went back.  I threw in a few "you look bored" smartass comments every now and again to get my point across. 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8886

Posted
Posted
On 8/1/2023 at 9:29 AM, uoftorange said:

I live in Houston and have 0 issues with my AC hitting 73/74 in 105 degree weather.  Now my electric bill is scary, but still

Mrs. Shooter and I may tend to argue over the thermostat from time to time but typically the AC is at 76° during the day and around 70° at night.  In the past when I've been hot for whatever reason, we've run it at 67°-68° with no problems.  Yes, we get it serviced prior to summer every year.

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Frank Drebin

Frank Drebin 5840

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, conVINCEd said:

Snyder sucks.  But if you are pulling into town at 10:00 and are tired and don’t want to push through to Dallas, the Holiday Inn is an attractive option.

I used to hunt on Buster Welch's ranch just east of Snyder.  That land on the edge of the Caprock has some incredible vistas and really neat country -- big draws, ravines, and caves all over.  Mr. Welch was a hell of a Texan, RIP.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 55870

Posted
Posted (edited)

We were passing the grocery store on the way home, so we stopped for 5 items: beer, soda, foil, an onion, and chips.  We had the dog with us, so I made the horrible mistake of sending the wife in while I waited with the dog.  27 minutes for 5 items.

Edited by Beau Vine
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nnm

nnm 37928

Posted
Posted
42 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

We were passing the grocery store on the way home, so we stopped for 5 items: beer, soda, foil, an onion, and chips.  We had the dog with us, so I made the horrible mistake of sending the wife in while I waited with the dog.  27 minutes for 5 items.

Narrator: “It wasn’t 5 items.”

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41420

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

We were passing the grocery store on the way home, so we stopped for 5 items: beer, soda, foil, an onion, and chips.  We had the dog with us, so I made the horrible mistake of sending the wife in while I waited with the dog.  27 minutes for 5 items.

Mrs. Brat can be in & out of HEB in 12 minutes easy for a half dozen items while I wait outside. 
She uses the HEB app prior to going in for each item’s location.

She’s out before I know it while I’m surfing Surly.

For the extensive shopping list, we do the curbside about every 2 or 3 weeks…

 

0A0EBEF2-FB0D-4E92-B936-FB37909BFA08.jpeg

Edited by Armybrat
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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26442

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

We were passing the grocery store on the way home, so we stopped for 5 items: beer, soda, foil, an onion, and chips.  We had the dog with us, so I made the horrible mistake of sending the wife in while I waited with the dog.  27 minutes for 5 items.

Free time with the dog? That's a win.

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GoPokes83

GoPokes83 2248

Posted
Posted

Wife came home late from a 3 day trip to the water park/campground with a carload of 11-13 year old girls. Understandably she was wiped out, so I tip toed around the house all morning and let her sleep in, then she basically spends the day on the couch relaxing, hey she more than earned it! Around 10 that night and I’m getting tired but the kid asks me who watch some show with her. Around 11 and I’m getting ready for bed and my wife’s apparently caught her second wind and starts cleaning our bathroom. Guess who’s the asshole for mentioning the time?

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13255

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, GoPokes83 said:

Wife came home late from a 3 day trip to the water park/campground with a carload of 11-13 year old girls. Understandably she was wiped out, so I tip toed around the house all morning and let her sleep in, then she basically spends the day on the couch relaxing, hey she more than earned it! Around 10 that night and I’m getting tired but the kid asks me who watch some show with her. Around 11 and I’m getting ready for bed and my wife’s apparently caught her second wind and starts cleaning our bathroom. Guess who’s the asshole for mentioning the time?

Wife that cleans the bathroom?

I Dont Believe You GIF by Judge Judy

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