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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
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Armybrat

Armybrat 41363

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On ‎3‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 4:14 PM, TrashMaster G said:

What's some rando on the side of the road with a speed gun going to do?  Issue a ticket?

Years ago while driving south on the 183 frontage road by the DPS office, there was a DPS training class of about 15 troopers gathered around their instructor. When all of a sudden the whole class turned towards the traffic and raised their radar guns at the same time,  it looked like Christmas with all the drivers hitting their brake lights.

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Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8884

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39 minutes ago, EE2B said:

My wife brought up the Toy's-R-Us Go Fund Me campaign last night that's now over 200MM. I made the offhanded comment about not understanding why people would want to donate to save a store that they obviously don't shop at. I learned a short time later that we are apparently people that would contribute to a Go Fund me campaign to save a store we don't shop at.

I’m betting all it buys is a sweet bonus for C-suite execs and a delayed bankruptcy. I wonder how I can capitalize on this free $ craze

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41363

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On ‎3‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 12:14 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Clearing out the deep freeze and freezer is always an adventure of shame and guilt for both of us

Mrs. Brat's only fault is the inability to read a map & is directionally challenged. But she is very well organized...

42513289_A053_4843_A447_07503453_AB57.jp

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 55853

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8 minutes ago, GSU&UT said:

Y'all have a bunch of chipotle burritos there in the top left corner or are those dead squirrels?

It is kind of odd that stuff that's in the see-through containers is labelled, but the stuff wrapped in foil is unlabeled.  

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41363

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29 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
35 minutes ago, Armybrat said:
Mrs. Brat's only fault is the inability to read a map & is directionally challenged. But she is very well organized...
42513289_A053_4843_A447_07503453_AB57.jpg

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So she's well versed on getting to Minnesota?

Due to her navigation skills, we once wound up in BC-S instead of Austin on a return trip from Louisiana.

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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Posted
3 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I once ended up in Antigua, Guatemala rather than Antigua in the Leeward islands because of the ex.  It was due to lack of basic geography knowledge rather than poor navigation though.

Could have booked a trip to Cartagena.

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miguelito

miguelito 11472

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27 minutes ago, jimmyjazz said:

Last night I had to leave work and head directly to one of my kid's orchestra concerts.  I texted my wife to ask where she was sitting in the auditorium.

Wife:  middle middle left

I posted this on the old site, but I knew 2 girls that planned to meet up in Austin, on the left side of the Tower.

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PhillyD

PhillyD 1314

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4 minutes ago, miguelito said:

I posted this on the old site, but I knew 2 girls that planned to meet up in Austin, on the left side of the Tower.

If I remember correctly, they did it and actually met at the same place.  That may be have been a follow-up poster though.

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28926

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3 hours ago, jimmyjazz said:

Last night I had to leave work and head directly to one of my kid's orchestra concerts.  I texted my wife to ask where she was sitting in the auditorium.

Wife:  middle middle left

Stage left or audience left?

My guess would be audience left. Roughly halfway back from the stage, midway between center stage and the far left aisle. Not bad seats. 

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bolverk

bolverk 30305

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My ex-wife's driving skills depreciated immensely after we had a kid. She went from No Fear, teach me how to drive a standard, to I can no longer drive on any road with a speed limit over 45mph. I still don't know what happened to her, but she'd have panic attacks about swerving off the road as the result of some sort of sudden suicidal urge.

Kinda insulting in hindsight if that's the case, because I was once the ideal and understanding husband. On the other hand, I could certainly chalk it up to her strong desire to have a kid (going so far as to threaten divorce) at an early age when we were both still grad students and then only feeling stressed the fuck out and actually voicing a desire to drop off our newborn at a firehouse when it wasn't as easy as she thought it'd be.

Sooo, anytime she needed to drive across Austin, she would always end up taking drives from far South Austin to far North Austin by way of Lamar all the gotdam way., which would be a two-hour one-way trip. To this day, I still don't quite know how she managed to move herself, and her car, from Austin back to Lubbock a couple years ago. It must've taken an eternity.

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shakahorn

shakahorn 1655

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Found my cashmere sweater in the dryer with my now ex-wife's work clothes.  Of course, she denied putting it in there.  I gave it to my nine-year old daughter because she was only one who could fit in it.  

Well at least she hasn’t outed you. NTTAWWT.
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happyhookem

happyhookem 224

Posted
Posted
On 4/3/2018 at 9:46 AM, Nolacycling said:

That might be a world distance record.

I asked the girlfriend to drive in Kansas and I woke up to a cop pulling us over.

me "Why were you speeding ?"

her "I thought it would make the time go by quicker"

 

 

 

On 4/3/2018 at 9:59 AM, miguelito said:

Was her name Albert Einstein?

 

Yeah, that whole space/time continuum is a bitch.

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 46138

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1 hour ago, bolverk said:

My ex-wife's driving skills depreciated immensely after we had a kid. She went from No Fear, teach me how to drive a standard, to I can no longer drive on any road with a speed limit over 45mph. I still don't know what happened to her, but she'd have panic attacks about swerving off the road as the result of some sort of sudden suicidal urge.

Kinda insulting in hindsight if that's the case, because I was once the ideal and understanding husband. On the other hand, I could certainly chalk it up to her strong desire to have a kid (going so far as to threaten divorce) at an early age when we were both still grad students and then only feeling stressed the fuck out and actually voicing a desire to drop off our newborn at a firehouse when it wasn't as easy as she thought it'd be.

Sooo, anytime she needed to drive across Austin, she would always end up taking drives from far South Austin to far North Austin by way of Lamar all the gotdam way., which would be a two-hour one-way trip. To this day, I still don't quite know how she managed to move herself, and her car, from Austin back to Lubbock a couple years ago. It must've taken an eternity.

wow

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happyhookem

happyhookem 224

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This applies to my mother who I guess was not technically a wife any longer as my dad had died. Still goes to show that directionally challenged females have been around a long time. We were on our way to Illinois and got on some toll road around Kansas City. Mom took an exit for whatever reason and we come back to the toll booth, pay again, and head on out. She took the same exit three times and finally the guy in the toll booth asked her if she was lost. She admitted she was and he gave her directions where to get off and go from there. He let her through free that time.

Another time we were going to Denver to visit my sister. She got off the interstate and got lost again. All of a sudden we were surrounded by military guys in jeeps. A very polite young airman asked her if she was lost. Yes, I am. He told her to follow him, look neither right or left, and leave the camera where it was on the front seat. Jeep in front, jeep in back. When we got to my sister's, my mom told the story. My bil nearly died laughing. Come to find out, we were in the area of Cheyenne Mountain. I was glad when I could drive for myself.

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Modessit

Modessit 5665

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Posted

Yep. You'd have to go through several gates/checkpoints before you'd be "surrounded by military guys in Jeeps". I was stationed at Buckley in the late 80s and went down there for a behind-the-scenes tour since I had clearance and worked at one of their support sites. Not easy to get into - even if on one of the public tours they did back then.

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happyhookem

happyhookem 224

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Posted (edited)

Don't ask me. This was in the '60's, hence the area reference. I also don't think we were on the base. I lived in Abilene for a number of years and know you just don't drive on the base. True story, though. Maybe they felt the need to check her out. Surrounded was probably a bad choice of words. I did say jeep in front, jeep in back.

Edited by happyhookem
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Armybrat

Armybrat 41363

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Modessit said:

The rules for freezers are a little different than refrigerators if it's already frozen when put in there. Plus, he's not in a commercial setting.

You are correct. Everything is washed, wrapped in plastic & frozen on trays prior to  being placed in freezer bags inside the storage boxes. No raw meats are ever stored openly in that freezer, nor in our fridge. We've got containers for everything, and plastic film to seal those like a gasket.

That ain't no springhouse.

 

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Brew

Brew 3049

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My wife can drive whenever she wants. I’ll get out the laptop or iPad and do some work. Set the destination on the the navigation for her and I can pretty well quit paying attention. It helps that I taught her to drive when we started dating because she didn’t drive in high school.

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 2050

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Brew said:

My wife can drive whenever she wants. I’ll get out the laptop or iPad and do some work. Set the destination on the the navigation for her and I can pretty well quit paying attention. It helps that I taught her to drive when we started dating because she didn’t drive in high school.

I hate to break it to you, but I think you married a tranny.

My wife is the worst driver I know.  Accelerates to red lights, pulls out less than 100ft. in front of people regularly, speeds.  I have to be drunk to just sit there, otherwise my blood pressure redlines and I start gasping and yelling and shit.  She denies she's a bad driver.  And she always denies it with a smile, like she knows she is an aggressive driver, but that isn't a bad thing.  It was a serious source of conflict in our marriage.  She has conceded that I drive everywhere now anytime we are both in the car together.  I don't ever get to take a nap or read in the car anymore, but at least my whole family and me are less likely to be killed.

Edited by Ojo Rojo
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Uncle Nate

Uncle Nate 2097

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Last week I nearly lost it when my wife was trying to decide if the ceiling fan was going in the proper direction to cool.  She said the manual said it should go counter-clockwise to cool.  I looked up (it was on the slowest setting) and see it's going counter-clockwise, and I tell her we're good.  She looks up, and says, "no, it's going clockwise".

I look up, look at her, look back up, and then say, "I don't know what clock we have in this house that goes in that direction, but that's counter-clockwise."

She debated me for 10 minutes that the fan was going clockwise.  I finally had to put my watch up next to the fan to show her it was indeed going counter-clockwise.

This woman has a doctorate, folks.  She has a doctorate but can't comprehend the difference between clockwise and counter-clockwise.

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pearlandhorn

pearlandhorn 3343

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Posted

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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7 minutes ago, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

not all of us were so lucky to marry a lesbian.

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