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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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BamaSucks

BamaSucks 12

Posted
Posted
On 7/23/2018 at 9:40 AM, MNLonghornFUKM said:
On 7/23/2018 at 7:37 AM, Knoxtnhorn said:
Like clockwork man.  Like clockwork.  She always comes home with a bunch of stuff, starting the conversation with, "I saved....".  Last week she came home with this because it was on sale.  I said that'd be great if our boys were 3 years old; they're 6 and 11.  Her counter was that the 6 year-old needed core exercise.  I told her crunches were free.  Tone.
31aL7X37MML.jpg

You need to follow up on this story. Has the 11 yr old used it yet?

Innovative sex toy/device?

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deadshank

deadshank 24654

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Posted

Oh, boy.  The text just now.

Her: Can you stop and get me a 16" x 16" box?  It will save me time.

Me:  (knowing she wants to ship something) OK.  Will see what I can do.  How deep does the box need to be?

Her:  It's a 16" square

Me: I know that part.  16" wide x 16" wide / long x what?  I need the 3rd dimension.  Are you shipping a football helmet or a shirt?

Her:  Ugh.  16" x 16" x 16"  That's a square.

Me:  OK.  Now I know the 3rd dimension.  BTW, 16" x 16" x 16" is a cube, not a square.    Tone.

I may stay out tonight.

 

 

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miguelito

miguelito 11449

Posted
Posted (edited)
Quote

Oh, boy.  The text just now.

Her: Can you stop and get me a 16" x 16" box?  It will save me time.

Me:  (knowing she wants to ship something) OK.  Will see what I can do.  How deep does the box need to be?

Her:  It's a 16" square

Me: I know that part.  16" wide x 16" wide / long x what?  I need the 3rd dimension.  Are you shipping a football helmet or a shirt?

Her:  Ugh.  16" x 16" x 16"  That's a square.

Me:  OK.  Now I know the 3rd dimension.  BTW, 16" x 16" x 16" is a cube, not a square.    Tone.

I may stay out tonight.

 

 

 

I'd have been tempted to get a big ass envelope.  "Here you go, 16x16."

But I'd have also gotten a 16x16x16 box to cover my ass.

Edited by miguelito
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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 55824

Posted
Posted
45 minutes ago, BigHorn'13 said:

We live about 15 minutes away from anything. We get into the car. 

Me- jesus this thing is on E and the gas light is on. 

Her- I'm not afraid. *points at dashboard* We've got 20 miles until we're empty. 

My wife does this shit.

"Why would you trust that this thing is accurate down to the mile when the alternative is you running out of gas while you're driving?"

<blank stare>

"If you ever run out of gas, you better not call me."

 

Pretty sure she has run out of gas at least twice.

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HenryJames

HenryJames 67116

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

My wife does this shit.

"Why would you trust that this thing is accurate down to the mile when the alternative is you running out of gas while you're driving?"

<blank stare>

"If you ever run out of gas, you better not call me."

 

Pretty sure she has run out of gas at least twice.

And she called you.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4998

Posted
Posted
On 7/28/2018 at 10:08 PM, BigHorn'13 said:

We live about 15 minutes away from anything. We get into the car. 

Me- jesus this thing is on E and the gas light is on. 

Her- I'm not afraid. *points at dashboard* We've got 20 miles until we're empty. 

Luckily we got a new gas station near the house about the time I got married. 

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Eastwood

Eastwood 4394

Posted
Posted
We live about 15 minutes away from anything. We get into the car. 
Me- jesus this thing is on E and the gas light is on. 
Her- I'm not afraid. *points at dashboard* We've got 20 miles until we're empty. 
That's within the error zone. I've had mine drop from 20 to 2 immediately. I was on my way to get gas, thankfully.
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You don't know me

You don't know me 1163

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, RoundRobin said:

I just assume that I’m going to have to fill up my wife’s car if I drive it. 

Occasionally I will take the wife's vehicle to the gas station on Sunday afternoon and fill it up.  Win/win.  I get a few minutes of peace and quiet and she appreciates it.  Mostly I do it for the peace and quiet.

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BigHorn'13

BigHorn'13 3480

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Eastwood said:
On 7/28/2018 at 10:08 PM, BigHorn said:
We live about 15 minutes away from anything. We get into the car. 
Me- jesus this thing is on E and the gas light is on. 
Her- I'm not afraid. *points at dashboard* We've got 20 miles until we're empty. 

That's within the error zone. I've had mine drop from 20 to 2 immediately. I was on my way to get gas, thankfully.

Yeah those things aren't accurate as others have pointed out. And I can't tell you how many times i've told her if you're coming home with less than a quarter tank, stop and fill up. The comment I'm not scared of the gas light is what got me. Bitch you know damn good and well if your ass runs out of gas on the side of the highway, your ass is going to be scared and calling me to come get you. 

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Macanudo

Macanudo 13254

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, You don't know me said:

Occasionally I will take the wife's vehicle to the gas station on Sunday afternoon and fill it up.  Win/win.  I get a few minutes of peace and quiet and she appreciates it.  Mostly I do it for the peace and quiet.

Do it right and go to the grocery store too with a big giant list.  Then hit a bar, drink a beer or three, go to the grocery store and speed shop for the list.   I guaran-damn-tee that I can do a grocery shop trip, with every item on the list purchased in half the time (or less) than 99% of women. 

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11991

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, Macanudo said:

Do it right and go to the grocery store too with a big giant list.  Then hit a bar, drink a beer or three, go to the grocery store and speed shop for the list.   I guaran-damn-tee that I can do a grocery shop trip, with every item on the list purchased in half the time (or less) than 99% of women. 

with or without kids in tow?

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Dertyberd

Dertyberd 394

Posted
Posted

Last night watching "This is America" Sacha Baron Cohen's new show when we got to the Bachelorette girl.

"Wait, are you telling me these two episodes were real people and not in on the joke? Even the racist guy showing his ass? That was real?"

Holy fuck, it took her until watching the reality show girl get owned to realize what deep shit this country is in.  

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BigDHornfan

BigDHornfan 6625

Posted
Posted
19 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Do it right and go to the grocery store too with a big giant list.  Then hit a bar, drink a beer or three, go to the grocery store and speed shop for the list.   I guaran-damn-tee that I can do a grocery shop trip, with every item on the list purchased in half the time (or less) than 99% of women. 

You following me every Sunday?

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davidg

davidg 4057

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, Macanudo said:

Do it right and go to the grocery store too with a big giant list.  Then hit a bar, drink a beer or three, go to the grocery store and speed shop for the list.   I guaran-damn-tee that I can do a grocery shop trip, with every item on the list purchased in half the time (or less) than 99% of women. 

My grocery store has a beer and wine bar in it. 12 beers on tap, mostly local/Texas breweries.   A couple of pints of craft brew make a half time break between non-perishable and cold foods.  

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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted

Driving home from New Mexico a couple of weeks ago on a winding mountain road.

Her:  we have no cell service, how are we going to get home?

Me:  what do you mean?

Her: how are we gonna get home if the navigation app isn’t working?

Me:  I’m sure we’ll get service back when we get out of the mountains.

her:  what if we don’t?

me: I’m 99% sure I can get us home without the nav.  Do you see the little ‘E’ on the right side of the rearview mirror?  It’s a compass and the ‘E’ stands for East.  Worst case scenario is we just keep going in that direction.  Would it ease your mind if I stop at the next gas station and purchase a map? (I wanted to ask her what the odds are of us having no cell service for our entire trip from Eastern New Mexico to DFW and the zombiee apocalypse/nuclear war that would be capable of causing said outage, but I restrained myself).

apparently there was an issue with tone in my last response.  And cell service magically was restored when we exited the mountains.

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North Austin

North Austin 10

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Posted

When we were moving I asked my wife if she wanted me to pack her jewelry in the safe so it didn't get lost during the move.  She declined.  Must have thought the movers were going to crack the safe or some shit.  Whatever..

Fast forward 2 days after our move was complete and she's hysterical running around the new house crying because she couldn't find her wedding ring.  She put it in a small jewelry box in her purse and she thinks she "dropped it in the driveway" while we were moving.  She was 100% certain that she put this jewelry case in a box that she also put in her purse and now it's missing.  After about 1 hour of her calling everyone, sobbing uncontrollably and posting that she lost her ring on the HOA fb group...

Me: Is this it?

Her: Yes! Where did you find it!

She packed it in one of the boxes.

I would say she's learned her lesson but I doubt it.

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