Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Al_4_ISU 12644]

18 hours ago, tbone_ said:

On a related note I always chuckle at these high end dog food commercials. That little precious filthy animal that you think needs free range organic chicken curated and massaged by Cuban virgins will turn around and eat his own vomit right in front of you.

My wife became convinced we needed to feed our first dog that Fresh Pet shit when he got old and his teeth started going.  I guess it made sense, because it was hard for him to chew kibble and that little fucker was an absolute prince who realistically deserved filet mignon had it been in the budget.

But the problem is our shitass second dog got used to it as well.  Costs more to feed that surly mongrel than it does to feed our kid.

Edited February 16 by Al_4_ISU

[Mittens 8755]

Mix a little bit in w/ his kibble so he can get the smell, but you don't have to feed just the expensive stuff.  I the tube into 1/4" cubes and put them in a tupperware, then just shake a little into the bowl, kibble goes on top so they have to go through the cheap stuff (not cheap @ almost $60 for a 35# bag...) to get to the FreshPet.  I get about 2 weeks out of a 1.5# tube for 2 dogs, but they only get that in the morning.  They have to suffer w/ the kibble alone in the evenings.

[Sandman 3435]

21 hours ago, hullabelew said:

My previous dog, Captain Velcro at his own shit.  The circle of life in back yard, during his time on earth., was very small.  I miss the little fucker. 

My current dogs do this right now. You want to take them in and relive those memories? 

[hullabelew 3730]

19 minutes ago, Sandman said:

My current dogs do this right now. You want to take them in and relive those memories? 

And deny you?   

[Jameslaw121 4498]

On 2/15/2024 at 6:51 AM, GoPokes83 said:

I got in a surprising amount of trouble this morning for filling the kid’s pet rabbit’s water from the faucet instead of using the filtered water from the refrigerator. The fact that it would be drinking from a half cow piss puddle in the wild fell on cold shoulders.

Oh Trixie!

[Budkudzu 280]

37 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

And deny you?   

my dog thinks cat turds are doggy treats  

[Al_4_ISU 12644]

3 hours ago, Mittens said:

Mix a little bit in w/ his kibble so he can get the smell, but you don't have to feed just the expensive stuff.  I the tube into 1/4" cubes and put them in a tupperware, then just shake a little into the bowl, kibble goes on top so they have to go through the cheap stuff (not cheap @ almost $60 for a 35# bag...) to get to the FreshPet.  I get about 2 weeks out of a 1.5# tube for 2 dogs, but they only get that in the morning.  They have to suffer w/ the kibble alone in the evenings.

I mix in kibble, but Christ, there’s no reason that mutt shouldn’t be on an all kibble diet.

[Kennythetiger 9636]

50 minutes ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I mix in kibble, but Christ, there’s no reason that mutt shouldn’t be on an all kibble diet.

Well, there’s one reason, and she’s the mother of your child. So you can’t shoot her. 

[956 Worldwide 35598]

Not dumb, just hilarious, maybe the best language mixup I’ve had. My wife is not a native English speaker. She’s involved in some sort of PTA/school club issue where one set of parents are being truly bizarre and she’s complaining to me about them.  In trying to explain how crazy they’re acting, she sent me this gif (screenshot). I assume she typed “nuts” in the gif browser:

 

[Al_4_ISU 12644]

3 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Well, there’s one reason, and she’s the mother of your child. So you can’t shoot her. 

I’m dead.  You’ll always be my favorite Wildcat

[SHOOTER12 8886]

13 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

My wife became convinced we needed to feed our first dog that Fresh Pet shit when he got old and his teeth started going.  I guess it made sense, because it was hard for him to chew kibble and that little fucker was an absolute prince who realistically deserved filet mignon had it been in the budget.

But the problem is our shitass second dog got used to it as well.  Costs more to feed that surly mongrel than it does to feed our kid.

Lol, I'm slow I guess but I just noticed Walmart has a refrigerated case for their "high end" pet foods...fuck me running, the world has gone to hell.

Edited February 17 by SHOOTER12

[Knoxtnhorn 6309]

22 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Lol, I'm slow I guess but I just noticed Walmart has a refrigerated case for their "high end" pet foods...fuck me running, the world has gone to hell.

 

 

[The Ace of Aces 5377]

We went out Friday night to dinner and to see Fortune Feimster (btw she’s funny as shit) at a theater within a 10 minute walk to the restaurant. We were in a winter storm warning for 4-8” snow and it had started to snow on the drive over. We live in the north, no major ordeal. 

We were waking away from the car and Mrs. Ace asked me to go back and get our snow brush/scrapper tool so we can have it with us to brush the car off when we return after the show. 

I told her no and that I would take care of the car when we get back like normal while she enjoys her seat warmer turned up to level 168 and scrolls TikTok. There is zero reason to carry around a foot long telescoping piece of plastic into a restaurant and theater. 

In shocking news, the theater told me the tool wasn’t allowed inside. Guess who didn’t volunteer to walk it back to the car.  

 

 

 

[Fudbelty 2810]

Boil the bunny.

In filtered water of course.

[GoPokes83 2248]

It’s possible

[Planet Houston 4950]

I don’t understand all of these stories of your dogs getting all of this shit that isn’t dog food. How does it not result in complete blowouts the following day? 

This feels like a story that should be in this thread, but it was a buddy of mine. He gives his dog a fucking Slim Jim on a long roadtrip from Houston to the east coast while the rest of his family flies.  Unsurprisingly, the dog blows out in the car in east Louisiana (his wife’s, to boot 😂) and he has to go into some gas station dressed down to his skivvies since the dog shat all over him. 

This is basically what my various dogs over the year do when they get “people food.” Maybe (obviously) this is a post for “my dog is awesome” thread, but what gives?

Edited February 19 by Planet Houston

[deadshank 24654]

9 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

We went out Friday night to dinner and to see Fortune Feimster (btw she’s funny as shit) at a theater within a 10 minute walk to the restaurant. We were in a winter storm warning for 4-8” snow and it had started to snow on the drive over. We live in the north, no major ordeal. 

We were waking away from the car and Mrs. Ace asked me to go back and get our snow brush/scrapper tool so we can have it with us to brush the car off when we return after the show. 

I told her no and that I would take care of the car when we get back like normal while she enjoys her seat warmer turned up to level 168 and scrolls TikTok. There is zero reason to carry around a foot long telescoping piece of plastic into a restaurant and theater. 

In shocking news, the theater told me the tool wasn’t allowed inside. Guess who didn’t volunteer to walk it back to the car.  

 

 

 

Hmm.  So my wife didn’t go to San Antonio like she told me she was.    Good luck, chump. 

[McFly 606]

20 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

I told her no

[Sam Lin 3602]

23 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

In shocking news, the theater told me the tool wasn’t allowed inside. Guess who didn’t volunteer to walk it back to the car.  

You should have thrown it in the nearest trash. That would have taught her a lesson.

Right.

 

Right?

[Superhero 9027]

I reached out of the shower yesterday to put my razor onto the adjacent bathtub.

Her: You're dripping water onto the bath mat.

Me: Yeah, that's what it's there for.

[luke duke 6450]

I don’t understand all of these stories of your dogs getting all of this shit that isn’t dog food. How does it not result in complete blowouts the following day? 
This feels like a story that should be in this thread, but it was a buddy of mine. He gives his dog a fucking Slim Jim on a long roadtrip from Houston to the east coast while the rest of his family flies.  Unsurprisingly, the dog blows out in the car in east Louisiana (his wife’s, to boot ) and he has to go into some gas station dressed down to his skivvies since the dog shat all over him. 
This is basically what my various dogs over the year do when they get “people food.” Maybe (obviously) this is a post for “my dog is awesome” thread, but what gives?

Not everyone’s dog is a bitch.

[PvilleStang 2997]

18 hours ago, luke duke said:

Not everyone’s dog is a bitch.

Just every other dog...

[Wiler77 1628]

On 2/18/2024 at 11:59 AM, The Ace of Aces said:

We went out Friday night to dinner and to see Fortune Feimster (btw she’s funny as shit) at a theater within a 10 minute walk to the restaurant. We were in a winter storm warning for 4-8” snow and it had started to snow on the drive over. We live in the north, no major ordeal. 

We were waking away from the car and Mrs. Ace asked me to go back and get our snow brush/scrapper tool so we can have it with us to brush the car off when we return after the show. 

I told her no and that I would take care of the car when we get back like normal while she enjoys her seat warmer turned up to level 168 and scrolls TikTok. There is zero reason to carry around a foot long telescoping piece of plastic into a restaurant and theater. 

Yada yada yada...

In shocking news, the theater told me the tool wasn’t allowed inside. Guess who didn’t volunteer to walk it back to the car.  

 

 

 

You missed the part of your story where you did exactly as you were told because she laughed at you and told you to get your fucking shinebox.  I added it in.

[Ten Bears 2500]

On 2/16/2024 at 1:18 PM, Budkudzu said:

my dog thinks cat turds are doggy treats  

Does he walk around with cat litter on his nose like mine?

[Planet Houston 4950]

On 2/22/2024 at 3:33 PM, luke duke said:

Not everyone’s dog is a bitch.

Edited February 24 by Planet Houston

[956 Worldwide 35598]

I like to drink beer and over the years my wife has kvetched about me drinking beer and how much she doesn’t like it and how common it is.  If I drink more than two beers she gripes. 
 

Anyway, a bit over a year ago when we lived in the Czech Republic, I came home one day and she showed me all this Bohemian crystal she had bought at the factory.  All these glasses— wine, water, aperitif, and crucially, beer.  I didn’t think much about it especially because we were expats and if she wanted to buy this stuff we can deal. 
 

Today while I was grilling steaks I grabbed one of those glasses and poured my beer(s) into it. And at the table, she says “isn’t it so nice to have beer in a nice glass, I’m so glad I bought them.” 
 

I feel like I just cracked a married life cheat code. 

[956 Worldwide 35598]

On 2/22/2024 at 4:33 PM, luke duke said:

Not everyone’s dog is a bitch.

The other day I put my dog’s food in a bowl he wasn’t used to and he barked at it till I got his regular bowl. Like me he has standards and only bangs 10s and eats prime. 
 

[nnm 37930]

6 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

The other day I put my dog’s food in a bowl he wasn’t used to and he barked at it till I got his regular bowl. Like me he has standards and only bangs 10s and eats prime. 
 

[hullabelew 3730]

17 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

The other day I put my dog’s food in a bowl he wasn’t used to and he barked at it till I got his regular bowl. Like me he has standards and only bangs 10s and eats prime. 
 

What is that fine hound's name?

[956 Worldwide 35598]

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

What is that fine hound's name?

His name is Apollo. As you can tell by the bling, both he and I enjoy the fawning attention of a house full of womens. 

[Storm the Field 5367]

Man, I just don't know how some people do it.

There's a retired couple in their late 60's or so that works out at my gym in the mornings. Always together. They go hop on the treadmills side-by-side and the wife literally just talks into her husband's ear, non-stop stream of consciousness without pause the entire time. He never says a word beyond "yep" or "uh huh" every now and then. Just stares blankly ahead. I presume at this point he just hears a high-pitched tone or something. After the treadmills, they go use various weight machines, and the wife always is on whatever machine is next to her husband, yakking in his general direction. I'd have to give up exercising entirely if every trip to the gym meant that my wife was gonna tag along and try to talk me to death the entire time. 

This man appears to have the patience of a saint, but I just know that deep down, buried somewhere in his gut, there's a "goddamnit woman, do you ever shut the hell up??!???!" just waiting to escape. 

 

[Ten Bears 2500]

I broke up with a really nice pretty woman because she never shut up.

[uoftorange 1391]

1 hour ago, Storm the Field said:

Man, I just don't know how some people do it.

There's a retired couple in their late 60's or so that works out at my gym in the mornings. Always together. They go hop on the treadmills side-by-side and the wife literally just talks into her husband's ear, non-stop stream of consciousness without pause the entire time. He never says a word beyond "yep" or "uh huh" every now and then. Just stares blankly ahead. I presume at this point he just hears a high-pitched tone or something. After the treadmills, they go use various weight machines, and the wife always is on whatever machine is next to her husband, yakking in his general direction. I'd have to give up exercising entirely if every trip to the gym meant that my wife was gonna tag along and try to talk me to death the entire time. 

This man appears to have the patience of a saint, but I just know that deep down, buried somewhere in his gut, there's a "goddamnit woman, do you ever shut the hell up??!???!" just waiting to escape. 

 

Both of my brother in laws are this man.  They have their faults, but they deserve sainthood for dealing with my sister and sister in law.  I have no idea how they do it.  Both of them are very similiar, and have a "it will be what it will be attitude" and are super aloof.  Both are intelligent and capable, but both also don't do shit around the house when it needs to be done.  They just use all of their energy not exploding on the crazy they deal with day to day.  So apparently it's a trade off.  

I love both my sister and sister in law and enjoy their company, but they both don't pull that shit with me because they know I'll call them on it.  Respectfully, but still call them on it.  It's pretty funny watching my interaction with the two of them and my brother in laws' interactions.  

In 22 years I've seen my sister's husband snap on her 3 total times.  And it was brutal.  Luckily my sister was wise enough to take it, and move on.  I've known my other brother in law for 12 years (married his wife's sister 2 years ago, they are nothing alike lol) and seen him snap once.  But it was crazy.  It was "do you ever shut the fuck up?"  She quipped back and he lost it.  SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.  and walked away.  10 minutes later it was back to business as usual lol

Edited February 26 by uoftorange

[Incredulity 11879]

17 hours ago, nnm said:

Counterpoint.

Lost our cat to old age, pack of coyotes, or....?  about a year ago.

Spent a large portion of Saturday dealing with a mouse condominium in the corner of the garage my wife has turned into a hording location.

 

And I pretty much loathe cats.  But damn they are useful for rodent deterrence.

Edited February 26 by Incredulity

[nnm 37930]

45 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

Counterpoint.

Lost our cat to old age, pack of coyotes, or....?  about a year ago.

Spent a large portion of Saturday dealing with a mouse condominium in the corner of the garage my wife has turned into a hording location.

 

And I pretty much loathe cats.  But damn they are useful for rodent deterrence.

Yes, cats are utilitarian. Growing up, we always had 5-15 unnamed barn cats. The extent of our care for them was to scatter one bowlful of food on the pump house roof in the evening. Coyotes and owls would keep their population in check. We had no critters near the house, and consequently no snakes seeking critters near the house. 

[Kennythetiger 9636]

2 hours ago, Incredulity said:

Counterpoint.

Lost our cat to old age, pack of coyotes, or....?  about a year ago.

Spent a large portion of Saturday dealing with a mouse condominium in the corner of the garage my wife has turned into a hording location.

 

And I pretty much loathe cats.  But damn they are useful for rodent deterrence.

Yeah, I go back and forth on my barn cats. Fewer rodents around my place is great, but I have a covey of quail that shows itself from time to time and I wonder how many of them those bastard cats are eating. 

[Modessit 5667]

Man, I just don't know how some people do it.
There's a retired couple in their late 60's or so that works out at my gym in the mornings. Always together. They go hop on the treadmills side-by-side and the wife literally just talks into her husband's ear, non-stop stream of consciousness without pause the entire time. He never says a word beyond "yep" or "uh huh" every now and then. Just stares blankly ahead. I presume at this point he just hears a high-pitched tone or something. After the treadmills, they go use various weight machines, and the wife always is on whatever machine is next to her husband, yakking in his general direction. I'd have to give up exercising entirely if every trip to the gym meant that my wife was gonna tag along and try to talk me to death the entire time. 
This man appears to have the patience of a saint, but I just know that deep down, buried somewhere in his gut, there's a "goddamnit woman, do you ever shut the hell up??!???!" just waiting to escape. 
 

[Armybrat 41420]

Mrs. Brat doesn’t care to converse very much. 
I am truly blessed. 

[Tex Long 4665]

On 2/26/2024 at 11:25 AM, Storm the Field said:

 

I presume at this point he just hears a high-pitched tone or something.

 

You've spelt "whine" incorrectly.

[Crapinon 2382]

On 2/26/2024 at 11:25 AM, Storm the Field said:

Man, I just don't know how some people do it.

There's a retired couple in their late 60's or so that works out at my gym in the mornings. Always together. They go hop on the treadmills side-by-side and the wife literally just talks into her husband's ear, non-stop stream of consciousness without pause the entire time. He never says a word beyond "yep" or "uh huh" every now and then. Just stares blankly ahead. I presume at this point he just hears a high-pitched tone or something. After the treadmills, they go use various weight machines, and the wife always is on whatever machine is next to her husband, yakking in his general direction. I'd have to give up exercising entirely if every trip to the gym meant that my wife was gonna tag along and try to talk me to death the entire time. 

This man appears to have the patience of a saint, but I just know that deep down, buried somewhere in his gut, there's a "goddamnit woman, do you ever shut the hell up??!???!" just waiting to escape. 

 

It's called male pattern deafness. Eventually you just learn to tune them out and then say it's because your losing your hearing.

[Crapinon 2382]

Probably should go in the divorce thread but I'm not divorced so I'll put it here. 

"Referencing research pertaining to corporate psychopaths and how they operate in high-achieving roles in workplaces, Dr. Boddy explains female psychopaths tend to be more manipulative than males, use different techniques to create good impressions, and use deceit and sexually seductive behavior to gain social and financial advantages more often than male psychopaths." 

https://studyfinds.org/female-psychopaths-are-surprisingly-common/

[wd40 1976]

25 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

It's called male pattern deafness. Eventually you just learn to tune them out and then say it's because your losing your hearing.

siap

[uoftorange 1391]

53 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

Probably should go in the divorce thread but I'm not divorced so I'll put it here. 

"Referencing research pertaining to corporate psychopaths and how they operate in high-achieving roles in workplaces, Dr. Boddy explains female psychopaths tend to be more manipulative than males, use different techniques to create good impressions, and use deceit and sexually seductive behavior to gain social and financial advantages more often than male psychopaths." 

https://studyfinds.org/female-psychopaths-are-surprisingly-common/

My ex is a CTO.  She's not technical at all, but can typically BS her way through it and this is how she has gotten to where she is.  I mean good for her I guess, but her trying to bring that manipulation home is 95% the reason we're divorced now.  

[tbone_ 14455]

My ex was pretty much known as a willing sledgehammer for the owners of her company. Served her well in her career. Translated to most of the rest of her life. Had to remind her from time to time that I don’t fucking work for you. Ultimately she couldn’t or wouldn’t really differentiate. I feel for the current guy. I doubt he realizes what he’s latched onto yet. 

Edited February 28 by tbone_

[uoftorange 1391]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

My ex was pretty much known as a willing sledgehammer for the owners of her company. Served her well in her career. Translated to most of the rest of her life. Had to remind her from time to time that I don’t fucking work for you. Ultimately she couldn’t or wouldn’t really differentiate. I feel for the current guy. I doubt he realizes what he’s latched onto yet. 

Yeah, met her new boyfriend over the weekend.  Nice guy, felt bad because he's not going to know until it's too late for him and it's not my place to tell him.  Maybe he'll be cool with being managed and being dictated too.  I never was.  

[hullabelew 3730]

On 2/26/2024 at 12:25 PM, Storm the Field said:

Man, I just don't know how some people do it.

There's a retired couple in their late 60's or so that works out at my gym in the mornings. Always together. They go hop on the treadmills side-by-side and the wife literally just talks into her husband's ear, non-stop stream of consciousness without pause the entire time. He never says a word beyond "yep" or "uh huh" every now and then. Just stares blankly ahead. I presume at this point he just hears a high-pitched tone or something. After the treadmills, they go use various weight machines, and the wife always is on whatever machine is next to her husband, yakking in his general direction. I'd have to give up exercising entirely if every trip to the gym meant that my wife was gonna tag along and try to talk me to death the entire time. 

This man appears to have the patience of a saint, but I just know that deep down, buried somewhere in his gut, there's a "goddamnit woman, do you ever shut the hell up??!???!" just waiting to escape. 

 

Lyle Lovett has a solution:

 

[Da Fino 2820]

On 2/26/2024 at 12:39 PM, uoftorange said:

I've known my other brother in law for 12 years (married his wife's sister 2 years ago,

Am I reading this wrong? 

[EE2B 1569]

On 2/26/2024 at 3:20 PM, Incredulity said:

Counterpoint.

Lost our cat to old age, pack of coyotes, or....?  about a year ago.

Spent a large portion of Saturday dealing with a mouse condominium in the corner of the garage my wife has turned into a hording location.

 

And I pretty much loathe cats.  But damn they are useful for rodent deterrence.

If you would’ve had a spiral staircase, the cat would’ve been safe. 

[uoftorange 1391]

10 minutes ago, Da Fino said:

Am I reading this wrong? 

Our sons were friends since 2nd grade and we became friends over the years.  Eventually I got divorced from my ex, and his wife introduced me to her sister.  Now they are my in laws

[BearSchlong 8248]

Probably should go in the divorce thread but I'm not divorced so I'll put it here. 
"Referencing research pertaining to corporate psychopaths and how they operate in high-achieving roles in workplaces, Dr. Boddy explains female psychopaths tend to be more manipulative than males, use different techniques to create good impressions, and use deceit and sexually seductive behavior to gain social and financial advantages more often than male psychopaths." 
https://studyfinds.org/female-psychopaths-are-surprisingly-common/

My ex-wife enters the chat.