Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

4 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

DNAgal: Dang it. I should have gotten caviar for our lox and bagel brunch 

Me: You're right. That would have been cool instead of capers. I wonder, though, how exactly they farm caviar now.

DNAgal: They kill the sturgeon and cut out the eggs.

Me: Yes, I understand that, but does the dead sturgeon get used for its meat too? That'll at least make it better IMO. Oh well.

DNAgal: They made the beluga  sturgeon extinct I think. I used to think Beluga caviar came from Beluga whales.

Me: What?! That's hilarious. Like you thought they came from its ovaries? Man now that would be cruel.

DNAgal: No. I'm not an idiot. From its eggs.

Me: You thought whales laid eggs? Whales are mammals.

DNAgal: I know that.

Me: All Mammals but a select few give birth to live young. 

DNAgal: How am I supposed to know that?

Me: I mean..... its like pretty basic biology. Didn't you take AP biology?

DNAgal: Go get the bagels.

wives and the stupid shit they say and do to somebody who appears to also be a wife

[Dnaguy 11,804]

42 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

wives and the stupid shit they say and do to somebody who appears to also be a wife

Am I wrong to assume that it's common knowledge that whales don't lay eggs or that eggs the size caviar couldn't come from a creature the size of a Beluga whale?

Edited June 11 by Dnaguy

[tbone_ 14,038]

It’s a stretch for sure

[TrashMaster G 17,436]

On 6/11/2024 at 11:28 AM, Dnaguy said:

DNAgal: Dang it. I should have gotten caviar for our lox and bagel brunch 

Me: You're right. That would have been cool instead of capers. I wonder, though, how exactly they farm caviar now.

DNAgal: They kill the sturgeon and cut out the eggs.

Me: Yes, I understand that, but does the dead sturgeon get used for its meat too? That'll at least make it better IMO. Oh well.

DNAgal: They made the beluga  sturgeon extinct I think. I used to think Beluga caviar came from Beluga whales.

Me: What?! That's hilarious. Like you thought they came from its ovaries? Man now that would be cruel.

DNAgal: No. I'm not an idiot. From its eggs.

Me: You thought whales laid eggs? Whales are mammals.

DNAgal: I know that.

Me: All Mammals but a select few give birth to live young. 

DNAgal: How am I supposed to know that?

Me: I mean..... its like pretty basic biology. Didn't you take AP biology?

DNAgal: Go get the bagels.

[Dnaguy 11,804]

2 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

exactly.

[SHOOTER12 8,795]

On 6/9/2024 at 11:37 PM, tbone_ said:

Mine has memorized her number. Which means that even though she couldn’t produce the actual card even if given an hour to look for it if her life depended on it, no purchasing is slowed down at all.

Can't remember what she did with the card covering an 8-10 distance from pump to vehicle but remembers the 16 digit number?  Faaaaark.....

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,968]

That's why you have it written down somewhere so you can help her cancel it. 

[tbone_ 14,038]

Can't remember what she did with the card covering an 8-10 distance from pump to vehicle but remembers the 16 digit number?  Faaaaark.....

Yes. 100%. I’ve had to just accept as part of the way the world is that if it’s not something I manage the whereabouts of on a daily basis, then it’s probably lost.

[shakahorn 1,643]

1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

That's why you have it written down somewhere so you can help her cancel it. 

Hey I run a service just for this.  Just $3 a month.  No need to write anything down, just PM me the card no, expiration date, and security code.  You can just text me whenever the card needs to be canceled.  Let your wife know, spouses are included at no additional charge.

[NYTransplant 143]

Noticed some new behavior that I thought was worth sharing. Wife's car typically goes in the garage, but it's had to stay outside for a few days. On multiple occasions, she's made the effort to install the sun shade in the window (a noteworthy win), but chose to leave the shade for the moonroof open. I'm not sure she's grasping the core concept.

[Incredulity 11,568]

13 hours ago, NYTransplant said:

I'm not sure she's grasping the core concept.

Are you new here?

[nnm 36,209]

14 hours ago, NYTransplant said:

Noticed some new behavior that I thought was worth sharing. Wife's car typically goes in the garage, but it's had to stay outside for a few days. On multiple occasions, she's made the effort to install the sun shade in the window (a noteworthy win), but chose to leave the shade for the moonroof open. I'm not sure she's grasping the core concept.

She’s grasping something, somone, somewhere, all right. 

Edited June 15 by nnm

[Frank The Tank 1,492]

Been busy all day, but spent a lot of good time with the kids on Father’s Day. She’s starting to cook dinner for us. 

Me: Hey, I’m gonna sit on the couch and have a beer. I haven’t seen any of the US open this weekend and I really want to watch the end of it. Before I sit down, I just want to see if you need anything. 

Her: No, I’m good. Go relax and enjoy the golf. 

Me: I just want to make sure. Because I’m about to sit down and relax, but I’m standing here right now and could be helpful real quick. You sure you’re good?

Her: No worries…go! Relax! I’ve got this.

Sit down, feet up, first sip of beer, leaders are tied with a few holes to go.

Her: Actually….I need your help finding something. 

Groan, stand up, head to kitchen. 
 

Her: Nevermind. I found it. 

[nnm 36,209]

13 minutes ago, Frank The Tank said:

Been busy all day, but spent a lot of good time with the kids on Father’s Day. She’s starting to cook dinner for us. 

Me: Hey, I’m gonna sit on the couch and have a beer. I haven’t seen any of the US open this weekend and I really want to watch the end of it. Before I sit down, I just want to see if you need anything. 

Her: No, I’m good. Go relax and enjoy the golf. 

Me: I just want to make sure. Because I’m about to sit down and relax, but I’m standing here right now and could be helpful real quick. You sure you’re good?

Her: No worries…go! Relax! I’ve got this.

Sit down, feet up, first sip of beer, leaders are tied with a few holes to go.

Her: Actually….I need your help finding something. 

Groan, stand up, head to kitchen. 
 

Her: Nevermind. I found it. 

your security camera got hacked. 

[tbone_ 14,038]

Groan, stand up, head to kitchen. 
 

Sorry bro but this is on you

[Dnaguy 11,804]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

 

Sorry bro but this is on you

 

Exactly.

Once you are seated, you have to take any request from your wife like Judaism handles potential converts.

My wife thinks my hearing is terrible. 

Little does she know that I’ve always scored excellent on every one of my hearing tests. And I’ve had to get many, many hearing tests due to working in chemical plants almost my entire working life.

 

[Frank The Tank 1,492]

[52-80 19,128]

My wife, like most women(?), is a bit of a hypochondriac. This has not been helped by her colleague having been diagnosed with stage 3 last month (🤕).

Today, she ran down the stairs after using the bathroom, her eyes welling up to critical mass.

“Whats wrong,” I asked. The waterworks broke wide open. 

“There was blood in my stool”

”oh, that can happen someti—“

“No, you dont understand, it was A LOT”. Shes typing frantically on the phone, consulting her personal doctor: WebMD. 

“Lets just take a breath. Maybe its nothing”

“I know sometimes it happens, but its never this RED and this MUCH before”

”…” 

The negotiations go on for a few minutes. Then she pauses. The faucet start to shut and theres a visible sign of relief on her face. 
 

“Oh yeah. I did eat a lot of beet at lunch today”. 

[Superhero 8,804]

5 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

My wife, like most women(?), is a bit of a hypochondriac. This has not been helped by her colleague having been diagnosed with stage 3 last month (🤕).

Today, she ran down the stairs after using the bathroom, her eyes welling up to critical mass.

“Whats wrong,” I asked. The waterworks broke wide open. 

“There was blood in my stool”

”oh, that can happen someti—“

“No, you dont understand, it was A LOT”. Shes typing frantically on the phone, consulting her personal doctor: WebMD. 

“Lets just take a breath. Maybe its nothing”

“I know sometimes it happens, but its never this RED and this MUCH before”

”…” 

The negotiations go on for a few minutes. Then she pauses. The faucet start to shut and theres a visible sign of relief on her face. 
 

“Oh yeah. I did eat a lot of beet at lunch today”. 

Not just a woman thing. I thought the same after I consumed a plateful of beets after not having it for several years.

I thought my innards were melting because… ebola. 

[CHIEF 5,072]

3 hours ago, Superhero said:

Not just a woman thing. I thought the same after I consumed a plateful of beets after not having it for several years.

I thought my innards were melting because… ebola. 

Mine was Flaming Hot Cheetos. I swear I was a goner the first time I ever took a shit after eating them, the accompanying heat made me dial 9-1 and just hold my finger on the one again so I could push it before passing out. That way the paramedics could find me.

CHIEF

[Scheiss Meister 8,403]

I once put some methyl red in our toilet and waited for my wife to go pee.  My 10 year old son beat her to the toilet and thought he was bleeding out through his pecker.

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

I work in a large office and one of my favorite things to do is to pour yesterday's cup of coffee into the urinal for the next guy to find

[thunderlounge 7,778]

So this was my morning…

 

 

Painting the bathroom this weekend. Didn’t get to bed til after 2 this morning. 
 

Wife was supposed to pick up her sister at 1030 this morning to run up to their mom’s place to help get ready to move. I planned on painting instead (good call.)

Well, she goes out to the garage to have a smoke. Finishes, waits a second, dumps the ashtray and came in to take a shower. This was about 5 after 9.

I really, really wanted to roll back over for another hour.

Thankfully, I didn’t. 
 

I wandered into the kitchen towards the coffee pot.

I thought I smelled smoke, figured she probably didn’t get the door from the garage shut tight. (New seal breaking in.)

Open the door to flames about a foot under my yak, smoke so thick you couldn’t see.

Thankfully I had a brush soaking in water from painting. I had already cleaned it, but wanted to soak it over night.

Chucked the brush, dumped the 3/4 gallon of water on it, which knocked it back enough to grab the fire extinguisher, and finish it off.

Called the fire dept to check for hot spots.

Another 90 seconds and we would have lost everything, maybe our lives.

 

So pissed I’m calm. Not bueno.

Needless to say, fixing all that is now on her. I’m not touching it more than I have to. She’s learning a hard lesson, and it better got damn stick.

 

[Mittens 8,196]

25 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Needless to say, fixing all that is now on her. I’m not touching it more than I have to.

[PhillyD 1,257]

There have been some all timers on this site, but the last wife to set the house on fire was on the scat site.  I guess this happens every 10 years or so.  I can't remember the details on that one.

[Beau Vine 54,049]

 

[AUS-97HORN 11,726]

2 hours ago, PhillyD said:

There have been some all timers on this site, but the last wife to set the house on fire was on the scat site.  I guess this happens every 10 years or so.  I can't remember the details on that one.

pretty sure that discussion was the backyard and fence catching on fire because she used gas to start a firepit fire 

[Buzzrock 14,883]

Her: “Hey Buzzette wants me to take her and some friends to the beach the third week of July.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll be traveling for work that week.”

Her: “Which week?”

I mean wtf.

[tbone_ 14,038]

Her: “Hey Buzzette wants me to take her and some friends to the beach the third week of July.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll be traveling for work that week.”

Her: “Which week?”

I mean wtf.

Similar to last night.

Hey when is July 4th?

[Covri 6,231]

Dang, now mine seems trivial. Wife bought a refrigerator magnet as a souvenir, our fridge is not magnetic on the front, one side is against a wall, and the other has cabinets and countertop and doesn’t face outward to any part of the kitchen.

[NorthLoop 14,141]

Me: "aggy losing the championship and us stealing their coach will be so damn beautiful" 

Her: "how come you never call me beautiful?" 

 

 

[Modessit 5,597]

Buy her an Alexa.  One of the best purchases of my married life.  

I have one. She unplugged it to 'save electricity'.

[WhatTheBuck 28,729]

11 hours ago, Covri said:

Dang, now mine seems trivial. Wife bought a refrigerator magnet as a souvenir, our fridge is not magnetic on the front, one side is against a wall, and the other has cabinets and countertop and doesn’t face outward to any part of the kitchen.

Congratulations on the purchase of your new refrigerator. 

[Incredulity 11,568]

On 6/23/2024 at 12:12 PM, thunderlounge said:

She’s learning a hard lesson, and it better got damn stick.

 

 

[Superhero 8,804]

21 hours ago, Covri said:

Dang, now mine seems trivial. Wife bought a refrigerator magnet as a souvenir, our fridge is not magnetic on the front, one side is against a wall, and the other has cabinets and countertop and doesn’t face outward to any part of the kitchen.

That is pretty trivial... we have 30+ souvenir magnets on our fridge.

My concern is we're going to run out of space, and the wife will ask for a second fridge to place more magnets.

[Dnaguy 11,804]

On 6/23/2024 at 2:12 PM, thunderlounge said:

So this was my morning…

 

 

Painting the bathroom this weekend. Didn’t get to bed til after 2 this morning. 
 

Wife was supposed to pick up her sister at 1030 this morning to run up to their mom’s place to help get ready to move. I planned on painting instead (good call.)

Well, she goes out to the garage to have a smoke. Finishes, waits a second, dumps the ashtray and came in to take a shower. This was about 5 after 9.

I really, really wanted to roll back over for another hour.

Thankfully, I didn’t. 
 

I wandered into the kitchen towards the coffee pot.

I thought I smelled smoke, figured she probably didn’t get the door from the garage shut tight. (New seal breaking in.)

Open the door to flames about a foot under my yak, smoke so thick you couldn’t see.

Thankfully I had a brush soaking in water from painting. I had already cleaned it, but wanted to soak it over night.

Chucked the brush, dumped the 3/4 gallon of water on it, which knocked it back enough to grab the fire extinguisher, and finish it off.

Called the fire dept to check for hot spots.

Another 90 seconds and we would have lost everything, maybe our lives.

 

So pissed I’m calm. Not bueno.

Needless to say, fixing all that is now on her. I’m not touching it more than I have to. She’s learning a hard lesson, and it better got damn stick.

 

If she smokes, she pokes…

[Buzzrock 14,883]

1 hour ago, Superhero said:

That is pretty trivial... we have 30+ souvenir magnets on our fridge.

My concern is we're going to run out of space, and the wife will ask for a second fridge to place more magnets.

Good reason to buy a beer fridge for your garage and put all the magnets there. 

[Covri 6,231]

2 hours ago, Superhero said:

That is pretty trivial... we have 30+ souvenir magnets on our fridge.

My concern is we're going to run out of space, and the wife will ask for a second fridge to place more magnets.

I wouldn't give a shit if the magnets would actually stick to the fridge lol. Years worth of kids drawings not being hung on the fridge should have been a red flag not to buy a magnet.

[luke duke 6,407]

Needless to say, fixing all that is now on her. I’m not touching it more than I have to. She’s learning a hard lesson, and it better got damn stick.

Also, who the fuck still smokes?

[Celery Man 20,911]

this is why I can never get divorced 

[tbone_ 14,038]

That’s fucked up. Let us know how it goes.

[shadow_operative2.0 15,879]

We need a garage update from @thunderlounge. 

[thunderlounge 7,778]

11 minutes ago, shadow_operative2.0 said:

We need a garage update from @thunderlounge. 

What ya wanna know?

Not much to update. It’ll get fixed when it gets fixed, but it won’t be by me. Til then, it’ll look how it looks. 
 

Good news is my yak (and the transducer I hang on it) is fine. May have to respool a couple of my poles. 

On 6/26/2024 at 10:40 AM, luke duke said:

 

Also, who the fuck still smokes?

 

 

 

[52-80 19,128]

Wife is in charge of paying the monthly municipal fees. Its structured with her bank in an semi-auto way where she receives notification of each bill, and merely has to press 1 button to confirm the payment.

Yesterday we received notice from a collections agency for overdue payment related to municipal fees. The owed amount is all of...6 dollars. She didn't handle that. I had to send them a response asking for proof of debt, and showed them that we are current on our municipal account, and declared that we are very responsible household that pays everything on time.

And then *I* did a little more sleuthing and discovered that wife paid the October 2023 bill a few days late. The $6 debt was basically a 3$ late surcharge and accumulated interest. 

And after informing her of all of this, I'm the person at fault for "making her feel guilty".

[shadow_operative2.0 15,879]

Not a good entry, you failed. 

[CycleTex87 2,958]

Most all my bills are on autopay.  F that crap.

[Ojo Rojo 1,911]

Wife:  Can you turn the temp down on the hot tub?

Ojo:  Sure.  Is it too hot for you, or what?

Wife:  No, I set it to 105 so it would get hotter faster, but now it's at the right temp.

Ojo:  You know that setting it to a higher temp doesn't make it heat up faster, right?

Wife:  *Confused look on face.*

[Budkudzu 280]

6 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Wife:  Can you turn the temp down on the hot tub?

Ojo:  Sure.  Is it too hot for you, or what?

Wife:  No, I set it to 105 so it would get hotter faster, but now it's at the right temp.

Ojo:  You know that setting it to a higher temp doesn't make it heat up faster, right?

Wife:  *Confused look on face.*

Soul Mate:  I've turned the thermostat down to 68

Bud: Why?

Soul Mate:  It's going to be real hot today and I want to make sure the house stays cool

Bud: Just keep it where it's set and the AC will just turn on more often, but it will stay just as cool any other day

Soul Mate:  You don't understand.  It's going to be real hot today

[Jameslaw121 4,447]

1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

Most all my bills are on autopay.  F that crap.

I used to do that until I didn't realize my electric bill contract expired and I was paying about 2 times what I should have been for like 5 months....

[nnm 36,209]