Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Incredulity 11859]

10 minutes ago, Sam Lin said:

This is not a smart man.

Sometimes…and I do mean rarely, the juice is worth the squeeze.

[msucolt45 4213]

Every day for us right now my wife and I have to coordinate who takes what kid to which camp, who picks them up, what we're doing with the dog that day, etc.  Yesterday she was able to take all three kids to camp in the morning because she had the day off.  I didn't have anything on the calendar at work until an 11:30 meeting so I decided to chill at home for the morning.  We just moved and we have boxes of shit all over the house so I have a ton of shit to do.  I unpacked a few boxes, organized a few things then ate breakfast, made a cup of coffee and laid down on the couch to read the news on my phone.  My wife came home around 10 and saw me on the couch.  She got all pissed off and said, "I took all of the kids to camp this morning so you could just go into work without worrying about anything.  I wish you would have told me you weren't going to the office this morning."  I just looked at her and didn't say a word, went upstairs to take a shower and get ready to go into the office for my meeting.  Later, she texted me that she was sorry she got angry, but the reason she did is that she had a boyfriend one time who was a lazy piece of shit and she worked her ass off and would come home to him laying on the couch all the time.  I own and run my own business, work an average of 55 hours a week and have an income at or near the top 5% in the U.S.

Ojo Red - been married 30+ years. So I’ll be your Huckleberry. Got to decide b/t both kids and spouse for arrangements as to how each has forward direction. One goes to one and the other has the other. Switch off every other week, until there’s finally a weekend that you can do both.

My kids were about 16 months apart, so I can understand.

Hook’em!!!

[tx ind 7056]

2 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

How was the couch last night?

No CR

[Dennis Taylor 19284]

**No CR**

Wife hears clip of Trump saying he will fire the SEC commissioner...says "He can't do that, can he?" 

Anybody want to guess which SEC she was thinking about?

 

[Incredulity 11859]

Your wife knows athletic conferences….

[Nivek 17330]

Wife doesn’t want to pay for chairs or umbrella yesterday. Gets sunburned.

Daughter is stung by jellyfish and comes back crying/loud. I take care of it. Wife coaxes our boys into the water and they get stung. I handle them.

She laments last night how I didn’t spend time on the beach yesterday, just reading on a porch. And how the kids gravitate toward me. So I need to be out there. So I book chairs and umbrellas.

———-

Rental has crap coffee. I ask the wife if she wants me to grab her some better coffee and she declines before I went out. She tells me no, she doesn’t want to waste money. Cool. This morning she is drinking my coffee (cold brew).

[Js1 86926]

1 minute ago, Nivek said:

Daughter is stung by jellyfish and comes back crying/loud. I take care of it. Wife coaxes our boys into the water and they get stung. I handle them.

So you peed on all your kids and your wife felt left out?

[Nivek 17330]

Every day for us right now my wife and I have to coordinate who takes what kid to which camp, who picks them up, what we're doing with the dog that day, etc.  Yesterday she was able to take all three kids to camp in the morning because she had the day off.  I didn't have anything on the calendar at work until an 11:30 meeting so I decided to chill at home for the morning.  We just moved and we have boxes of shit all over the house so I have a ton of shit to do.  I unpacked a few boxes, organized a few things then ate breakfast, made a cup of coffee and laid down on the couch to read the news on my phone.  My wife came home around 10 and saw me on the couch.  She got all pissed off and said, "I took all of the kids to camp this morning so you could just go into work without worrying about anything.  I wish you would have told me you weren't going to the office this morning."  I just looked at her and didn't say a word, went upstairs to take a shower and get ready to go into the office for my meeting.  Later, she texted me that she was sorry she got angry, but the reason she did is that she had a boyfriend one time who was a lazy piece of shit and she worked her ass off and would come home to him laying on the couch all the time.  I own and run my own business, work an average of 55 hours a week and have an income at or near the top 5% in the U.S.

The only part that was unbelievable was the apology text.

[thunderlounge 8318]

4 minutes ago, Js1 said:

So you peed on all your kids and your wife felt left out?

[Beau Vine 55816]

[Sam Lin 3589]

10 hours ago, Js1 said:

So you peed on all your kids and your wife felt left out?

[TrashMaster G 18029]

15 hours ago, Nivek said:

Wife doesn’t want to pay for chairs or umbrella yesterday. Gets sunburned.

Daughter is stung by jellyfish and comes back crying/loud. I take care of it. Wife coaxes our boys into the water and they get stung. I handle them.

She laments last night how I didn’t spend time on the beach yesterday, just reading on a porch. And how the kids gravitate toward me. So I need to be out there. So I book chairs and umbrellas.

———-

Rental has crap coffee. I ask the wife if she wants me to grab her some better coffee and she declines before I went out. She tells me no, she doesn’t want to waste money. Cool. This morning she is drinking my coffee (cold brew).

All due respect, your wife sounds like a cunt.

[huge 3824]

He did say “all due respect”…

[Nivek 17330]

All due respect, your wife sounds like a cunt.

She can be a bit cheap, so she would rather me spend the money than her because it stresses her out to waste money on something like beach chairs rentals or better coffee. It could be worse.

[52-80 19379]

On 7/26/2024 at 6:29 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

Every day for us right now my wife and I have to coordinate who takes what kid to which camp, who picks them up, what we're doing with the dog that day, etc.  Yesterday she was able to take all three kids to camp in the morning because she had the day off.  I didn't have anything on the calendar at work until an 11:30 meeting so I decided to chill at home for the morning.  We just moved and we have boxes of shit all over the house so I have a ton of shit to do.  I unpacked a few boxes, organized a few things then ate breakfast, made a cup of coffee and laid down on the couch to read the news on my phone.  My wife came home around 10 and saw me on the couch.  She got all pissed off and said, "I took all of the kids to camp this morning so you could just go into work without worrying about anything.

classic

 

[huge 3824]

3 hours ago, Nivek said:

She can be a bit cheap, so she would rather me spend the money than her because it stresses her out to waste money on something like beach chairs rentals or better coffee. It could be worse.

My wife is selectively cheap. 

She would NEVER pay for the umbrella/chair frivolity, but has no trouble with $375 couch pillows.

Edited July 31 by huge
c's are hard

[NYTransplant 149]

Have a couple. In fairness, we just went through a move, and the stress has been high.

Round one: Wife connected me with a woman that could help with some sewing that I needed done, and thus there was a common text thread. Sitting at the kitchen counter with her next to me, I sent some photos in the text thread, and sent the text, "These pictures should cover it." 30 seconds later, as I'm furiously typing an explanation of what the pictures mean, my wife asks, "Are you going to give her anymore information about the project?" I felt there were two logical options: tone or extreme sarcasm. As I was already stretched pretty thin, I went for tone and said, "What do you think I'm doing right now?" Needless to say. I'm the asshole.
 

Round two: I'm downstairs, she's upstairs with the vacuum running and I hear some random question. I respond loudly with, "What?!" Although the other 99% of the times, I get told that she can't hear me because I'm too quiet, this time was not the one that I was supposed to preemptively solve for that issue. Unbeknownst to me, but beknownst to her, my response was "too angry for me." In the future, I plan to act like I didn't hear anything to save myself the trouble.

[thunderlounge 8318]

11 minutes ago, NYTransplant said:

In the future, I plan to act like I didn't hear anything to save myself the trouble.

Well, yeah. 

[tbone_ 14406]

Well, yeah. 

This. Always this.

[Dnaguy 12572]

On 7/29/2024 at 11:47 PM, TrashMaster G said:

All due respect, your wife sounds like a cunt.

 

23 hours ago, huge said:

He did say “all due respect”…

 

Now that I have a far more corporate job, I can't wait... welllllllll.......really I absolutely HAVE to use 'with all due respect' before saying ridiculous put down comments to collegues.

 

I feel as if half the meetings I'm in are some sort of absurdist theater. I might as well add to the meetings' rizz, no?

 

Did I just do a GenZ? As a millennial, I feel like I just did a GenZ.

[landman 564]

56 minutes ago, NYTransplant said:

Have a couple. In fairness, we just went through a move, and the stress has been high.

Round one: Wife connected me with a woman that could help with some sewing that I needed done, and thus there was a common text thread. Sitting at the kitchen counter with her next to me, I sent some photos in the text thread, and sent the text, "These pictures should cover it." 30 seconds later, as I'm furiously typing an explanation of what the pictures mean, my wife asks, "Are you going to give her anymore information about the project?" I felt there were two logical options: tone or extreme sarcasm. As I was already stretched pretty thin, I went for tone and said, "What do you think I'm doing right now?" Needless to say. I'm the asshole.
 

 

You know, there was a time this was the same person...

[huge 3824]

11 hours ago, landman said:

You know, there was a time this was the same person...

Pepperidge Farms remembers...

[Beau Vine 55816]

15 hours ago, NYTransplant said:

In the future, I plan to act like I didn't hear anything to save myself the trouble.

[Beau Vine 55816]

On 7/31/2024 at 8:29 AM, huge said:

My wife is selectively cheap. 

She would NEVER pay for the umbrella/chair frivolity, but has no trouble with $375 couch pillows.

So how long has she worked in Belmont?

 

[TrashMaster G 18029]

3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

So how long has she worked in Belmont?

 

Wait, so @huge is a woman and a lesbian???

[Mittens 8631]

Buddy just posted this. Could be any of you. 
 

[Dennis Taylor 19284]

 

[Sandman 3427]

I did laundry Saturday. My wife had 3 or 4 pairs of jeans in there that got washed. She put her clothes away that night. 

This morning, her jeans are "missing" and she has no idea where they are. I asked if maybe they are hidden under the 4-5 piles of clothes she has laying around the bedroom, she says no. I said maybe if you put this stuff away, you could find your things. Tone. She "loses" an article of clothing pretty regularly, so this is a touchy subject for her.

After she left for work, I called my buddy and asked him if he ever lost a pair of pants, or maybe a shirt. He said no, that's stupid. I laughed.

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

On 8/2/2024 at 9:25 AM, Mittens said:

Buddy just posted this. Could be any of you. 
 

Answer:  No.  Never.

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

On 7/31/2024 at 7:54 AM, 52-80 said:

classic

 

Is this supposed to be me imploring her to come over to the couch for sex?  If so, BLLLAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

As previously stated, we moved recently and we're still getting all of our furniture in place.  Yesterday we worked on the living room.  For reasons, we have to base the orientation of everything off the TV.  So I measured from a sidewall to the middle of the TV so that I could match the mid point of all of the furniture parallel to the TV to the midpoint of the TV.  I would hand her the end of the tape measure and ask her to hold it to the wall.  Her:  "I don't understand why we are measuring from this wall."  I explained it like three times.  She never got it.

Then, when we were actually moving chairs and shit, I got on the front side of a recliner we had to move.  Instead of going to the opposite side of the chair from me, she got on the side, right next to me and got down ready to lift it.  I was just like, "WTF are you doing?"  Her:  "What? (and tone)"  Me:  "When I get over here to move something, you get over there."  Between my wife and kids and all the shit they seemingly don't know that I have to tell them, I honestly can't believe any of them are alive.

[Texasborn91 1082]

Finishing moving into the new house this past Friday and preparing to have everything ready for house warming party the next day. I’ve assembled upwards of 20 packages of furniture, storage,  various random trinkets the wife has ordered without my knowledge. I’m way deep into a new shelf when from the kitchen I hear “hot water isn’t working”.  She then proceeds to tell me it’s working in the rest of the house just not the kitchen sink. I yell back did you make sure it’s turned the right direction? Replies with a yes I’m not stupid… I begin to get off the floor and head that way when I hear her yell. It’s working now! Was it turned the wrong way I ask? No response…. 

[Tex Long 4613]

4 hours ago, Texasborn91 said:

Finishing moving into the new house this past Friday and preparing to have everything ready for house warming party the next day. I’ve assembled upwards of 20 packages of furniture, storage,  various random trinkets the wife has ordered without my knowledge. I’m way deep into a new shelf when from the kitchen I hear “hot water isn’t working”.  She then proceeds to tell me it’s working in the rest of the house just not the kitchen sink. I yell back did you make sure it’s turned the right direction? Replies with a yes I’m not stupid… I begin to get off the floor and head that way when I hear her yell. It’s working now! Was it turned the wrong way I ask? No response…. 

No reponse is the best response you can hope for.

 

[Ojo Rojo 2040]

5 hours ago, Texasborn91 said:

Finishing moving into the new house this past Friday and preparing to have everything ready for house warming party the next day. I’ve assembled upwards of 20 packages of furniture, storage,  various random trinkets the wife has ordered without my knowledge. I’m way deep into a new shelf when from the kitchen I hear “hot water isn’t working”.  She then proceeds to tell me it’s working in the rest of the house just not the kitchen sink. I yell back did you make sure it’s turned the right direction? Replies with a yes I’m not stupid… I begin to get off the floor and head that way when I hear her yell. It’s working now! Was it turned the wrong way I ask? No response…. 

This exact same fucking thing happened to me.  Except I actually went down to the garage where there is a small cabinet with all of the PEX valves in it.  I wanted to make sure the valve to the kitchen was on as a place to start.  It was on.

[Tex Long 4613]

54 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

This exact same fucking thing happened to me.  Except I actually went down to the garage where there is a small cabinet with all of the PEX valves in it.  I wanted to make sure the valve to the kitchen was on as a place to start.  It was on.

Rookie move. Best place to start is the kitchen sink.

Then, when it works, sing out "Fixed it, honey!" Might not get you laid, but it might bring a sammitch.

[thunderlounge 8318]

38 minutes ago, Tex Long said:

but it might bring a sammitch.

Eat at your own peril.

I ain’t touching it. 

[Tex Long 4613]

12 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Eat at your own peril.

I ain’t touching it. 

Peanut butter and mayonnaise, coupla tomato slices.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Real mayo, none of that mackrel whip shit.

 

[ABSR 5357]

24 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Eat at your own peril.

I ain’t touching it. 

Neither is she.

[Celery Man 21076]

 

This is my wife’s biscuit glove. She is afraid of the paper dough tubes that explode open a little bit when you apply pressure on the crease. So she keeps this glove here to use when I’m not home to open them for her.

[TrashMaster G 18029]

7 hours ago, Texasborn91 said:

Finishing moving into the new house this past Friday and preparing to have everything ready for house warming party the next day. I’ve assembled upwards of 20 packages of furniture, storage,  various random trinkets the wife has ordered without my knowledge. I’m way deep into a new shelf when from the kitchen I hear “hot water isn’t working”.  She then proceeds to tell me it’s working in the rest of the house just not the kitchen sink. I yell back did you make sure it’s turned the right direction? Replies with a yes I’m not stupid… I begin to get off the floor and head that way when I hear her yell. It’s working now! Was it turned the wrong way I ask? No response…. 

So, by her own standard, she is stupid?

[tbone_ 14406]

Hey the remote doesn’t work. Hands it to me.

Well, let’s see if I can push the button differently.

Pushes button. TV works.

Of course, I am the dick.

[ABSR 5357]

2 hours ago, Celery Man said:

 

This is my wife’s biscuit glove. She is afraid of the paper dough tubes that explode open a little bit when you apply pressure on the crease. So she keeps this glove here to use when I’m not home to open them for her.

Ummm.  Unwrap the package and smack the side on the edge of the counter.

[Jerry Callo 8952]

12 minutes ago, ABSR said:

Ummm.  Unwrap the package and smack the side on the edge of the counter.

I sure hope you're wearing eye protection.

[Sam Lin 3589]

And a biscuit glove.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22241]

Is the biscuit glove to hold the poop knife with?

[luke duke 6445]

 
This is my wife’s biscuit glove. She is afraid of the paper dough tubes that explode open a little bit when you apply pressure on the crease. So she keeps this glove here to use when I’m not home to open them for her.

She wears a helmet too, doesn’t she?

[General Specific 3484]

[NorthLoop 14420]

23 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Hey the remote doesn’t work. Hands it to me.
 

Something fishy here. She handed it to you? My wife waits for me to ask to see the remote so she can get mad at me for calling her a stupid liar. 

[tbone_ 14406]

Something fishy here. She handed it to you? My wife waits for me to ask to see the remote so she can get mad at me for calling her a stupid liar. 

That’s advanced ninja strategy. Sounds like you’ve run up against a worthy adversary.

[NorthLoop 14420]

4 hours ago, tbone_ said:

That’s advanced ninja strategy. Sounds like you’ve run up against a worthy adversary.

Oh she's a fucking black belt in trying to make me feel like an asshole.