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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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ScottS

ScottS 1125

Posted
Posted
38 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:


I’m confident that “biscuit glove” is a term for vagina. If not, it should be.

Surprisingly, no entry for "biscuit glove" exists on Urban Dictionary.  I thought it might be a Canadian term for a condom or something like that. 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8886

Posted
Posted
On 8/6/2024 at 2:51 PM, tbone_ said:

Hey the remote doesn’t work. Hands it to me.

Well, let’s see if I can push the button differently.

Pushes button. TV works.

Of course, I am the dick.

Yep...EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 106874

Posted
Posted
Yep...EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!

My wife calls me, at work, to help her turn on the tv if she’s at home and wants to turn on the Olympics or whatnot.
It’s one button. One. If you don’t point it at the tv, box, and speaker, it may not turn them all on. So…point it…then press it.
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conVINCEd

conVINCEd 21477

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Yep...EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!

Most of the time this happens at Casa de Comvinced it’s a line of sight issue caused by the piles of unread books and home decor magazines on the coffee table. Additionally, it is my fault, because I must have hooked it up incorrectly since she doesn’t know anyone else who has to elevate the remote slightly to change the channel (depending on the height of the piles on that particular day).  That this happens at all is because she bought a lovely mid century credenza with no consideration given to the purpose of it, which is to organize all of the electronic stuff under the tv.  

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1828

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My wife is very neat and never leaves anything out. But we have returned from a trip to the beach and I am loading the dishwasher after dinner and there are three cups on the counter near the sink.

Me: "Are these cups on the counter dirty or clean?"

Wife: "They are clean but you should assume they are dirty."

Me: "Got it."

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PvilleStang

PvilleStang 2983

Posted
Posted

Going to the kid's meet the teacher today, and the freaking Tesla I was about to parallel park behind, well, she flings open her driver door right before I pull up next to her.  Wife didn't understand why I was pissed.  Basically, had I been half a second later, I'd be paying for the dumb bitch's new door or a totaled sh*tbucket.  Of course, I was the one in the wrong, not the lady throwing the door open into traffic.

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softlynow

softlynow 1894

Posted
Posted
On 8/9/2024 at 1:09 AM, SHOOTER12 said:

Yep...EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!

 

On 8/9/2024 at 4:45 AM, conVINCEd said:

Most of the time this happens at Casa de Comvinced it’s a line of sight issue caused by the piles of unread books and home decor magazines on the coffee table. Additionally, it is my fault, because I must have hooked it up incorrectly since she doesn’t know anyone else who has to elevate the remote slightly to change the channel (depending on the height of the piles on that particular day).  That this happens at all is because she bought a lovely mid century credenza with no consideration given to the purpose of it, which is to organize all of the electronic stuff under the tv.  

I thought I had sidestepped this problem with a fire cube and a very simple voice activation phrase. Sadly, no.

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tbone_

tbone_ 14438

Posted
Posted
My wife is very neat and never leaves anything out. But we have returned from a trip to the beach and I am loading the dishwasher after dinner and there are three cups on the counter near the sink.
Me: "Are these cups on the counter dirty or clean?"
Wife: "They are clean but you should assume they are dirty."
Me: "Got it."

I don’t understand this
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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1828

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, tbone_ said:


I don’t understand this

It was an insane response to a very easy question. Are they clean or dirty? WTF does "they are clean but you should ASSUME they are dirty" mean? And how long should I make that assumption? Forever? Should I clean them because of my assumption that they are dirty, or should I not clean them because they are in fact, contrary to my assumption, clean? Are they Schrodinger's cups, such that they are simultaneously clean and not clean? 

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tbone_

tbone_ 14438

Posted
Posted
It was an insane response to a very easy question. Are they clean or dirty? WTF does "they are clean but you should ASSUME they are dirty" mean? And how long should I make that assumption? Forever? Should I clean them because of my assumption that they are dirty, or should I not clean them because they are in fact, contrary to my assumption, clean? Are they Schrodinger's cups, such that they are simultaneously clean and not clean? 

Ah. I was not meant to understand it. Now get it.
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nnm

nnm 37896

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

She's 19, so this 2 parter doesn't belong near Doomlet & his funny stuff in the "Shit My Kid Says" thread.

Thermostat 1.jpg

Thermostat 2.jpg

If you set it to 60, it will cool much faster!

<female logic>

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6655

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, EE2B said:

If you set your house temp to 81, she should post that in the stupid shit my dad does thread. 

She has a mini floor unit in her bedroom, hides out all day (separate topic / headache) & with 2 fans going, likes it 65⁰.

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Modessit

Modessit 5666

Posted
Posted
It was an insane response to a very easy question. Are they clean or dirty? WTF does "they are clean but you should ASSUME they are dirty" mean? And how long should I make that assumption? Forever? Should I clean them because of my assumption that they are dirty, or should I not clean them because they are in fact, contrary to my assumption, clean? Are they Schrodinger's cups, such that they are simultaneously clean and not clean? 
It means if you ever see cups or anything lying out when she's not there, wash them no matter if they look clean or not. Better to wash twice than to put dirty stuff away.
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High Plains Drifter

High Plains Drifter 11186

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Posted

 

Yesterday as I was getting into the truck to drive home from work, I see wife's fob for her car in the back floorboard of my truck. 

When I got home I handed it to her saying only "I found your fob." 

 

I didn't ask how the hell it ended up in the back floorboard of my truck, which she hasn't driven in weeks, and she drove her car the day before. Or why it wasn't on her keychain. 

She asks where I found it. I say the floorboard of my truck. She starts to explain, and I just say "It doesn't matter." 

 

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Frank Drebin

Frank Drebin 5834

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Posted (edited)

My wife does not work.  Kids are in school and her life is pretty damn easy.  She is a very good wife.  She stays in shape, has pretty routine lunches with her friends, and takes care of house/kids after school.  Like me she is a licensed attorney and will occasionally work off and on. She also handles kid doctor visits. Yesterday she spent an hour on the phone with health insurance and a couple medical providers about some bills one or both combined to screw up.

Like many on hear, I have a stressful job.  Deal with problems most all day long.  Yesterday was a doozy for me.  I am getting ready to have a trial that's going to require me to be out of town for a month.  We are locking and loading.  I was on phones or zooms all day preparing.  Dropped daughter off at school at 7:30 then went to office.  Did not get home until 9 or so.

She wants to give me a detailed play by play of her multiple extended phone calls.  I am never in the mood for that, but especially after the day I just had (and the week).  Apparently telling her I do not want her to replay her phone calls makes me an asshole.  She gets defensive and pissed when I tell her to just fast forward to the end and don't subject me to every detail of her misery.  But no one wants to hear that shit.  Tell me you had a long and frustrating call with those folks.  Don't give me all the details. I don't ever do that to her, and believe me I deal with inane or frustrating bullshit every day.  I am happy to talk about your day and let's focus on positive things and maybe even negative things I can actually do something about.  But I don't want to re-live every slightly bad experience you had when the conclusion was everything worked out fine and there was nothing for me to do.

Edited by Frank Drebin
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Wiler77

Wiler77 1628

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Posted
27 minutes ago, Frank Drebin said:

My wife does not work.  Kids are in school and her life is pretty damn easy.  She is a very good wife.  She stays in shape, has pretty routine lunches with her friends, and takes care of house/kids after school.  Like me she is a licensed attorney and will occasionally work off and on. She also handles kid doctor visits. Yesterday she spent an hour on the phone with health insurance and a couple medical providers about some bills one or both combined to screw up.

Like many on hear, I have a stressful job.  Deal with problems most all day long.  Yesterday was a doozy for me.  I am getting ready to have a trial that's going to require me to be out of town for a month.  We are locking and loading.  I was on phones or zooms all day preparing.  Dropped daughter off at school at 7:30 then went to office.  Did not get home until 9 or so.

She wants to give me a detailed play by play of her multiple extended phone calls.  I am never in the mood for that, but especially after the day I just had (and the week).  Apparently telling her I do not want her to replay her phone calls makes me an asshole.  She gets defensive and pissed when I tell her to just fast forward to the end and don't subject me to every detail of her misery.  But no one wants to hear that shit.  Tell me you had a long and frustrating call with those folks.  Don't give me all the details. I don't ever do that to her, and believe me I deal with inane or frustrating bullshit every day.  I am happy to talk about your day and let's focus on positive things and maybe even negative things I can actually do something about.  But I don't want to re-live every slightly bad experience you had when the conclusion was everything worked out fine and there was nothing for me to do.

That was a lot of words to let us know you don't like hearing lots of details.

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Tex Long

Tex Long 4661

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Posted
1 hour ago, Wiler77 said:

That was a lot of words to let us know you don't like hearing lots of details.

You know, though, sometimes it's better to type and type and type than it is if you slam that lid on your laptop and march into the kitchen and listen to that story about the place where they make that blue nail polish that somebody's cousin wears all the time and keeps saying things when she has a couple of margaritas like how she wishes she could fuck her sister's best friend while her husband watches and no that's not the one and the school nurse got her nails done at that same place and then and then you want to just grab her by the throat and ball up your fist and

Oh, sorry, was that too many words again?

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14462

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Posted
3 hours ago, Frank Drebin said:

My wife does not work.  Kids are in school and her life is pretty damn easy.  She is a very good wife.  She stays in shape, has pretty routine lunches with her friends, and takes care of house/kids after school.  Like me she is a licensed attorney and will occasionally work off and on. She also handles kid doctor visits. Yesterday she spent an hour on the phone with health insurance and a couple medical providers about some bills one or both combined to screw up.

Like many on hear, I have a stressful job.  Deal with problems most all day long.  Yesterday was a doozy for me.  I am getting ready to have a trial that's going to require me to be out of town for a month.  We are locking and loading.  I was on phones or zooms all day preparing.  Dropped daughter off at school at 7:30 then went to office.  Did not get home until 9 or so.

She wants to give me a detailed play by play of her multiple extended phone calls.  I am never in the mood for that, but especially after the day I just had (and the week).  Apparently telling her I do not want her to replay her phone calls makes me an asshole.  She gets defensive and pissed when I tell her to just fast forward to the end and don't subject me to every detail of her misery.  But no one wants to hear that shit.  Tell me you had a long and frustrating call with those folks.  Don't give me all the details. I don't ever do that to her, and believe me I deal with inane or frustrating bullshit every day.  I am happy to talk about your day and let's focus on positive things and maybe even negative things I can actually do something about.  But I don't want to re-live every slightly bad experience you had when the conclusion was everything worked out fine and there was nothing for me to do.

I played Oregon Trail for about 5 hours today while working. It was glorious. 

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NAVY

NAVY 6969

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

I played Oregon Trail for about 5 hours today while working. It was glorious. 

Bill that shit under strategy & planning 

Edited by NAVY
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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1828

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On 8/23/2024 at 2:27 PM, Frank Drebin said:

My wife does not work.  Kids are in school and her life is pretty damn easy.  She is a very good wife.  She stays in shape, has pretty routine lunches with her friends, and takes care of house/kids after school.  Like me she is a licensed attorney and will occasionally work off and on. She also handles kid doctor visits. Yesterday she spent an hour on the phone with health insurance and a couple medical providers about some bills one or both combined to screw up.

Like many on hear, I have a stressful job.  Deal with problems most all day long.  Yesterday was a doozy for me.  I am getting ready to have a trial that's going to require me to be out of town for a month.  We are locking and loading.  I was on phones or zooms all day preparing.  Dropped daughter off at school at 7:30 then went to office.  Did not get home until 9 or so.

She wants to give me a detailed play by play of her multiple extended phone calls.  I am never in the mood for that, but especially after the day I just had (and the week).  Apparently telling her I do not want her to replay her phone calls makes me an asshole.  She gets defensive and pissed when I tell her to just fast forward to the end and don't subject me to every detail of her misery.  But no one wants to hear that shit.  Tell me you had a long and frustrating call with those folks.  Don't give me all the details. I don't ever do that to her, and believe me I deal with inane or frustrating bullshit every day.  I am happy to talk about your day and let's focus on positive things and maybe even negative things I can actually do something about.  But I don't want to re-live every slightly bad experience you had when the conclusion was everything worked out fine and there was nothing for me to do.

I also am a lawyer and have been married 20 years and still have no idea how to answer the question "what exactly did you do today?" It was like 400 things, and apparently the answer "I already did all of these things. I do not want to do them all again by relaying them to you." is not preferred. 

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nnm

nnm 37896

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

I also am a lawyer and have been married 20 years and still have no idea how to answer the question "what exactly did you do today?" It was like 400 things, and apparently the answer "I already did all of these things. I do not want to do them all again by relaying them to you." is not preferred. 

When John Prine and Bonnie Raitt sing John's song "Angel from Montgomery," it is awesome.  There's a poignant line in there: 

How the hell can a person

Go to work in the mornin'

Come home in the evenin'

And have nothin' to say . . .

 

Love this version, when they're older and wiser, and before John kicked off.

 

Edited by nnm
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