Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[BHMCruiser 1828]

Don't ask me no questions, and I won't tell you no lies

[Ojo Rojo 2053]

On 8/23/2024 at 2:27 PM, Frank Drebin said:

My wife does not work.  Kids are in school and her life is pretty damn easy.  She is a very good wife.  She stays in shape, has pretty routine lunches with her friends, and takes care of house/kids after school.  Like me she is a licensed attorney and will occasionally work off and on. She also handles kid doctor visits. Yesterday she spent an hour on the phone with health insurance and a couple medical providers about some bills one or both combined to screw up.

Like many on hear, I have a stressful job.  Deal with problems most all day long.  Yesterday was a doozy for me.  I am getting ready to have a trial that's going to require me to be out of town for a month.  We are locking and loading.  I was on phones or zooms all day preparing.  Dropped daughter off at school at 7:30 then went to office.  Did not get home until 9 or so.

She wants to give me a detailed play by play of her multiple extended phone calls.  I am never in the mood for that, but especially after the day I just had (and the week).  Apparently telling her I do not want her to replay her phone calls makes me an asshole.  She gets defensive and pissed when I tell her to just fast forward to the end and don't subject me to every detail of her misery.  But no one wants to hear that shit.  Tell me you had a long and frustrating call with those folks.  Don't give me all the details. I don't ever do that to her, and believe me I deal with inane or frustrating bullshit every day.  I am happy to talk about your day and let's focus on positive things and maybe even negative things I can actually do something about.  But I don't want to re-live every slightly bad experience you had when the conclusion was everything worked out fine and there was nothing for me to do.

I don't know if I changed or my wife changed, but I started to not want to have to listen to all of the irrelevant details maybe two years ago or so.  Either that or she started conversing only in 99% irrelevant details.  I will ask a simple question, like, "Where is that salsa I bought yesterday?"  The answer:  "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..."  When I stop her at Deuteronomy and ask for the end of the story then I'm the asshole.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

I happened to walk through the room one time and my wife was watching the succubus family.
This perfectly encapsulates how they generally respond with a simple question. His response was perfect and I laughed my ass off.

[NorthLoop 14461]

15 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

I don't know if I changed or my wife changed, but I started to not want to have to listen to all of the irrelevant details maybe two years ago or so.  Either that or she started conversing only in 99% irrelevant details.  I will ask a simple question, like, "Where is that salsa I bought yesterday?"  The answer:  "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..."  When I stop her at Deuteronomy and ask for the end of the story then I'm the asshole.

I usually get "I didn't throw out your goddamn salsa ok?" as the answer to that question. 

[Nivek 17405]

On 8/23/2024 at 2:27 PM, Frank Drebin said:

My wife does not work.  Kids are in school and her life is pretty damn easy.  She is a very good wife.  She stays in shape, has pretty routine lunches with her friends, and takes care of house/kids after school.  Like me she is a licensed attorney and will occasionally work off and on. She also handles kid doctor visits. Yesterday she spent an hour on the phone with health insurance and a couple medical providers about some bills one or both combined to screw up.

Like many on hear, I have a stressful job.  Deal with problems most all day long.  Yesterday was a doozy for me.  I am getting ready to have a trial that's going to require me to be out of town for a month.  We are locking and loading.  I was on phones or zooms all day preparing.  Dropped daughter off at school at 7:30 then went to office.  Did not get home until 9 or so.

She wants to give me a detailed play by play of her multiple extended phone calls.  I am never in the mood for that, but especially after the day I just had (and the week).  Apparently telling her I do not want her to replay her phone calls makes me an asshole.  She gets defensive and pissed when I tell her to just fast forward to the end and don't subject me to every detail of her misery.  But no one wants to hear that shit.  Tell me you had a long and frustrating call with those folks.  Don't give me all the details. I don't ever do that to her, and believe me I deal with inane or frustrating bullshit every day.  I am happy to talk about your day and let's focus on positive things and maybe even negative things I can actually do something about.  But I don't want to re-live every slightly bad experience you had when the conclusion was everything worked out fine and there was nothing for me to do.

She wanted to vent to her husband and to share an experience with you so you could be sympathetic to her.   In context, you leaving also puts more pressure on her to manage the kids/household without your support and you will likely have limited availability while gone.   Alternatively, you could have asked her to pour you both a glass of wine and recognize that she was frustrated and thanked her for the work she puts in for caring for you all, even when it isn't glamorous.     Or you could give me her number and I'll pour her a glass of tequila and listen to her frustrations....

3 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

I usually get "I didn't throw out your goddamn salsa ok?" as the answer to that question. 

[thunderlounge 8407]

1 hour ago, Nivek said:

She wanted to vent to her husband and to share an experience with you so you could be sympathetic to her.   In context, you leaving also puts more pressure on her to manage the kids/household without your support and you will likely have limited availability while gone.   Alternatively, you could have asked her to pour you both a glass of wine and recognize that she was frustrated and thanked her for the work she puts in for caring for you all, even when it isn't glamorous.     Or you could give me her number and I'll pour her a glass of tequila and listen to her frustrations....

 

[BHMCruiser 1828]

3 hours ago, Nivek said:

She wanted to vent to her husband and to share an experience with you so you could be sympathetic to her.   In context, you leaving also puts more pressure on her to manage the kids/household without your support and you will likely have limited availability while gone.   Alternatively, you could have asked her to pour you both a glass of wine and recognize that she was frustrated and thanked her for the work she puts in for caring for you all, even when it isn't glamorous.     Or you could give me her number and I'll pour her a glass of tequila and listen to her frustrations....

aren't you the same guy who thinks he could beat up a chimpanzee? 

I'm starting to see a pattern

[Ojo Rojo 2053]

9 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

I usually get "I didn't throw out your goddamn salsa ok?" as the answer to that question. 

We also have the classic married couple situation where I can't find anything in the fucking house so I have to ask her all the time where shit is.  Sometimes, the item is right in front of my goddamned face.  My theory, supported by copious evidence, is that my wife never puts shit back where it belongs or puts shit in illogical places so frequently that I never expect things to be where they should be.  So there is an automatic assumption in my brain that whatever I am looking for is not where it is supposed to be and is in a place I would never look.  It's just easier to ask her.

[msucolt45 4227]

Married 32 years to a teacher. Try helping grade 6 periods worth of papers! After my evening drinking - you get an A, and you get an A! Next group - you get an A and you get an A.

Seriously though, she does give me the actual answers, but if it’s a written answer to a question, and I see 3 to 5 key words = check! Next!

Hook’em!!!

[Dish Boggett 67]

1 hour ago, msucolt45 said:

Married 32 years to a teacher. Try helping grade 6 periods worth of papers! After my evening drinking - you get an A, and you get an A! Next group - you get an A and you get an A.

Seriously though, she does give me the actual answers, but if it’s a written answer to a question, and I see 3 to 5 key words = check! Next!

Hook’em!!!

Where were you when I was taking pre-calculus?

[conVINCEd 21477]

18 minutes ago, Dish Boggett said:

Where were you when I was taking pre-calculus?

Mine teaches elementary school.  I can help grade those papers pretty, pretty drunk.  I’m pretty sure it’s only a few Asian kids taking pre-cal in elementary school.

[luke duke 6449]

Married 32 years to a teacher. Try helping grade 6 periods worth of papers! After my evening drinking - you get an A, and you get an A! Next group - you get an A and you get an A.

Seriously though, she does give me the actual answers, but if it’s a written answer to a question, and I see 3 to 5 key words = check! Next!

Hook’em!!!

If you want your wife to stop asking for your help write “see me during lunch” or “have your parents call me XXX-XXX-XXXX” on a couple of papers every day.

[Buzzrock 15136]

Why do they ask you the same question over and over (what time should people come over on Saturday?) and then when you point that out, *you’re* the asshole?

[thunderlounge 8407]

Just told me saturday would be a good day for me to power wash the deck.

I looked at her like she was dumber than a box of rocks. 
 

“Well your game is only 2 hours.”

 

Give the same look. 
 

Little more back and forth, similar to above, and finally I said, “ good luck with that, ‘cause I ain’t doin it.”

 

[TrashMaster G 18073]

3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Why do they ask you the same question over and over (what time should people come over on Saturday?) and then when you point that out, *you’re* the asshole?

Because they talk, they don't listen.

Unless you're saying something useful for them to bring up in an argument 2 years later.

[tbone_ 14438]

Just told me saturday would be a good day for me to power wash the deck.
I looked at her like she was dumber than a box of rocks. 
 
“Well your game is only 2 hours.”
 
Give the same look. 
 
Little more back and forth, similar to above, and finally I said, “ good luck with that, ‘cause I ain’t doin it.”
 

I used to tell my ex - look, just because you have an agenda doesn’t make it my agenda.

Usually worked out well.

[Bevo&Pevo 5516]

On 8/26/2024 at 4:54 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

I don't know if I changed or my wife changed, but I started to not want to have to listen to all of the irrelevant details maybe two years ago or so.  Either that or she started conversing only in 99% irrelevant details.  I will ask a simple question, like, "Where is that salsa I bought yesterday?"  The answer:  "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..."  When I stop her at Deuteronomy and ask for the end of the story then I'm the asshole.

Just tell me the time.  Don't build me a clock.

[NYTransplant 149]

On 8/26/2024 at 4:54 PM, Ojo Rojo said:

I don't know if I changed or my wife changed, but I started to not want to have to listen to all of the irrelevant details maybe two years ago or so.  Either that or she started conversing only in 99% irrelevant details.  I will ask a simple question, like, "Where is that salsa I bought yesterday?"  The answer:  "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth..."  When I stop her at Deuteronomy and ask for the end of the story then I'm the asshole.

Dad?

[Texasborn91 1098]

Seasoned and put pork butts on at 1 last night. Cleaned up after myself but apparently there was a few speckles of seasoning on floor. Wife starts bitching she has to sweep and clean up before company arrives. Walk back in 2 minutes later and the fucking roomba is on. So sorry to inconvenience her. 

Edited August 31 by Texasborn91

[thunderlounge 8407]

I had a shark one that was pushing 6 years old. It was past the piece of shit phase, and finally it... had an "accident" and fell from the deck into the concrete below. It wasn't its fault, it couldn't see with the trash bag it was wrapped up in.

 

[Texasborn91 1098]

5 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

I had a shark one that was pushing 6 years old. It was past the piece of shit phase, and finally it... had an "accident" and fell from the deck into the concrete below. It wasn't its fault, it couldn't see with the trash bag it was wrapped up in.

 

This is currently in the POS phase. BIL gave it to us bc they got one that has a camera and dog shit avoidance technology

[thunderlounge 8407]

Just now, Texasborn91 said:

This is currently in the POS phase. BIL gave it to us bc they got one that has a camera and dog shit avoidance technology

They vacuum outside? Odd.

 

[royiv 9773]

55 minutes ago, Texasborn91 said:

This is currently in the POS phase. BIL gave it to us bc they got one that has a camera and dog shit avoidance technology

How disgusting is their house that dog shit avoidance technology is a box that needs to be checked when purchasing a robot?

[thunderlounge 8407]

6 minutes ago, royiv said:

How disgusting is their house that dog shit avoidance technology is a box that needs to be checked when purchasing a robot?

 

Get yappy little snack dogs, and you get what you deserve.

[NorthLoop 14461]

On 8/30/2024 at 8:25 PM, tbone_ said:

 look, just because you have an agenda doesn’t make it my agenda.

 

I have to use some version of this multiple times a week. Sunday morning when everyone just wants to chill? Nope, she wants to clean. And she expects everyone else to clean because she has decided that it's cleaning time at that exact moment. 

[Celery Man 21094]

She’s probably complaining about me being the backseat kitchen driver on the “husbands and stupid shit” thread over on the kate spade forum or whatever.

but this is driving me bonkers and I’m calling my shot. Our electric stove is hot as shit - the middle = hot. But for her, medium heat = as medium as you can position the knob. Cranked is only good for boiling water ASAP. She’s making borscht and just left it like this, it is boiling in there. I’m about to go pick up the baby. Im about 50/50 that I get a text about figuring something different out for dinner.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

My wife has never boiled anything without leaving it unattended and spilling over.  It's a running joke in our house now.  

[Incredulity 11874]

37 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife has never boiled anything without leaving it unattended and spilling over.

[High Plains Drifter 11186]

5 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife has never boiled anything without leaving it unattended and spilling over.  It's a running joke in our house now.  

 

Years ago i was watching TV while the wife was cooking something. She comes in and starts watching TV with me, then later goes back into the kitchen and screams. Grease fire raging on the stove top. 

 

 

But that's not why I'm here right now. Daughter had a volleyball game at 5. I stop by after work, as does the wife. During the game, she asks me if we can switch cars because the low tire pressure light is on. I say sure. After the game, daughter is supposed to stay for the Varsity game (she's a freshman). So wife stays to bring her home, while I leave and take car of the tire pressure. I get home, turn on a DVR'ed game I didn't watch this weekend, crack a cold one, and am settling in when I get a phone call. 

Stop me if you know where this is going...

She doesn't have her fob for my truck, so I have to drive back into town (~25 min drive) and switch back cars with her. 

 

[Gil Bang 26230]

6 hours ago, Celery Man said:

She’s probably complaining about me being the backseat kitchen driver on the “husbands and stupid shit” thread over on the kate spade forum or whatever.

but this is driving me bonkers and I’m calling my shot. Our electric stove is hot as shit - the middle = hot. But for her, medium heat = as medium as you can position the knob. Cranked is only good for boiling water ASAP. She’s making borscht and just left it like this, it is boiling in there. I’m about to go pick up the baby. Im about 50/50 that I get a text about figuring something different out for dinner.

Not trying to be a dick...is she American?  Who the fuck makes Borscht in these parts?   

[royiv 9773]

6 hours ago, Celery Man said:

She’s probably complaining about me being the backseat kitchen driver on the “husbands and stupid shit” thread over on the kate spade forum or whatever.

but this is driving me bonkers and I’m calling my shot. Our electric stove is hot as shit - the middle = hot. But for her, medium heat = as medium as you can position the knob. Cranked is only good for boiling water ASAP. She’s making borscht and just left it like this, it is boiling in there. I’m about to go pick up the baby. Im about 50/50 that I get a text about figuring something different out for dinner.

I assume you’re hoping for other plans for dinner?

[Celery Man 21094]

1 hour ago, Gil Bang said:

Not trying to be a dick...is she American?  Who the fuck makes Borscht in these parts?   

She loves Russian literature, we went to Moscow back in 2016, it’s on the menu sometimes.

 

 Dinner was fine but the range was fucked.

[SHOOTER12 8886]

10 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife has never boiled anything without leaving it unattended and spilling over.  It's a running joke in our house now.  

"Red hot boiler babe"?

[Longboard Horn 41350]

On 7/13/2024 at 4:01 PM, BrazilHorn said:

That guy should have just walked off and left her ass there. That is ridiculously crazy shit. 

 

On 7/13/2024 at 4:14 PM, SHOOTER12 said:

He's an idiot for just sitting there.

Brother dated a girl in college who was like that. Thank God it didn't last long. When she pulled some shit like that in public we got up and left her at the venue. Made her find another ride home. It's like what I tell any woman I date or any of my nieces and nephews: you can embarrass yourself all you want, but you're NOT gonna embarrass ME!

[ROFL BOX 6655]

Tonight, Ravens Chiefs, Mrs. ROFL:
Her:  ¿Why isn't that a touchdown just because his toe is on the white part?
 
Me:  2 reasons.
1.  If a receiver steps out of bounds (without being forced by another player, i.e. CB, LB, Saf), he cannot be the 1st to touch the ball after the QB throws it.
2.  More importantly, when he caught the ball, one of his feet were out of bounds (even by a toe) & therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass.
Her:  Why can't he catch the ball & then pull his foot back into the green (field / inbound) area?
 
Me: 

[Tex Long 4661]

9 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Her:  ¿Why isn't that a touchdown just because his toe is on the white part?

  

Miz Long (lawyer) asked one I have no answer for, and actually wondered about, myself.

How come on the goal line, it's where the ball is, not the player's foot, but on the side, it's where the player's foot is, not the ball?

[Kennythetiger 9618]

42 minutes ago, Tex Long said:

Miz Long (lawyer) asked one I have no answer for, and actually wondered about, myself.

How come on the goal line, it's where the ball is, not the player's foot, but on the side, it's where the player's foot is, not the ball?

This some sort of braggadocio?  

[Tex Long 4661]

1 minute ago, Kennythetiger said:

This some sort of braggadocio?  

Seems like you have no answers, just questions. 

[wd40 1976]

1 hour ago, Tex Long said:

Miz Long (lawyer) asked one I have no answer for, and actually wondered about, myself.

How come on the goal line, it's where the ball is, not the player's foot, but on the side, it's where the player's foot is, not the ball?

[BHMCruiser 1828]

4 hours ago, Tex Long said:

Miz Long (lawyer) asked one I have no answer for, and actually wondered about, myself.

How come on the goal line, it's where the ball is, not the player's foot, but on the side, it's where the player's foot is, not the ball?

because the goal line is in bounds (as is the player taking the ball across the line) but the sideline and back of endzone line are out of bounds and a player must be in bounds to make a play.

Edited September 6 by BHMCruiser

[Tex Long 4661]

19 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

because the goal line is in bounds (as is the player taking the ball across the line) but the sideline and back of endzone line are out of bounds and a player must be in bounds to make a play.

Well... technically, the player doesn't have to be inside the side line - he can be flying through the air, completely over that line, and if the ball is inside it, it's six points. Likewise, on the side line, the player and the ball can both be on the wrong side, and as long as he can stretch back and touch in bounds, it's a catch... but if the player touches or crosses the line, it's no catch even if the ball is completely in bounds.

Ask your wife. I'm guessing her response will be "huh?"

 

[wd40 1976]

ma'am, we're not talking about physics, here.  it's a game with made up rules that get changed every year.

[Tex Long 4661]

Is it only my wife, or are there other females who believe that jar lids are just sort of decorative and don't need to be tightened - or even turned more than an eighth of a turn (if that much)?

 

[Jerry Callo 8958]

I have stopped trying to explain every damn thing.  Best answer: 

[BearSchlong 8238]

Is it only my wife, or are there other females who believe that jar lids are just sort of decorative and don't need to be tightened - or even turned more than an eighth of a turn (if that much)?
 

It’s an epidemic. I just looked on the spice rack and there is a lid that is sitting on a jar top at an angle.

[Kennythetiger 9618]

23 hours ago, Tex Long said:

Is it only my wife, or are there other females who believe that jar lids are just sort of decorative and don't need to be tightened - or even turned more than an eighth of a turn (if that much)?

 

When I was in college, the running joke in the dorm cafeteria was to loosen the tops of the salt and pepper shakers so that they would pour out for the next person using them. 
25 years later and I instinctively tighten the tops before I use them. 

[956 Worldwide 35589]

My wife has a fairly rigid work schedule and she told me that for the fall semester, after school ballet started earlier one day of the week.  She asked if I could switch up my work from home schedule since she wouldn’t be able to meet the bus and get to the studio from work, and of course I said yes.  When I asked her whether I needed to move to Mondays or Thursdays she huffily told me to look at the shared family Google calendar because she couldn’t keep it all memorized.
 

I did, and negotiated a Monday home day (the team requires in-office coverage all days).  Tonight she starts looking at the paper schedule and PANIK: data entry error, Thursday is the real early start date and class starts this week. Now I have to try and renegotiate this shit with colleagues and bosses, and she is big mad at me for failing to cross-reference her calendar with the paper schedule (which was inside her purse, although she says she’d have given it to me if I asked about it). 

Edited September 8 by 956 Worldwide

[tbone_ 14438]

Well she can’t possibly be mad at herself

[Tex Long 4661]

The correct default action is ... none.

If you do it, 50-50 it shouldn't have been done. If you don't do it, 50-50 it should have been done.

Either way, you're an asshole for not remembering what she mumbled told you clearly. Save the effort.

[Beau Vine 55859]

I seriously think the most important lesson I've learned in old age is "Just keep your mouth shut."