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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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On 9/21/2024 at 3:13 PM, Modessit said:

My wife is 45 and an elementary school teacher.

While driving today:

Wife: I wonder how much they get paid.

Me: Who?

Wife: The people who fly those jets that make the clouds.

Me: Airline pilots?

Wife: No the ones that fly the jets.

Me: You mean like Southwest Airlines.

Wife: No, the jets.

Me: Commercial airlines ARE jets. They have jet engines.

Wife: I thought they were airplanes.

Me: They're all airplanes. If they have jet engines, they are jets. If they have propellers, then they are Prop planes.

Wife: Anyway, I'm talking about those jets that fly way up in the sky and make those cloud lines.

Me: Those are called contrails. And commercial airlines routinely fly that high.

Wife: I figured it was just a Navy jet or something making the clouds.

Me: Wait, you think that there is a Navy pilot who's only job is to fly around and make clouds in the sky when there aren't any?

Wife: Yeah.

Me: Guess what I'm posting on my football forum?

Wife: Wait... NO! NO!
 

Soulmate:  Look at that plane up there!  Where do you think it's going?

Me:  To an airport. 

Soulmate:  Asshole.  

 

 

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On 9/19/2024 at 3:36 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Son is freshman in college living in the dorms. Mom wanted to send him a care package. Very nice of her, right? He told her to just send him some protein bars so she Amazon'd some to him. He just sent me this picture with the only comment: "Dude."

unnamed.thumb.jpg.ef1ec8ed24c8961545bf9a32e9b1c57e.jpg

Poor kid had to walk to the mail center in the student union (~20 minutes) to pick this shit up and haul it back. Thanks, mom!

if your son has any awareness of his mother, he should know that this was the best possible outcome of her sending him anything.

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This morning, in an accusatory tone, out of completely fucking nowhere: "are you usually buying organic?"

Me, totally perplexed: "what?"

"When you go to the store are you usually buying organic?"

"Yes, I know you like organic fruit so that's what I buy. Why are you asking?"

"The grapes were not organic."

"Then why didn't you just ask me why I bought non-organic grapes? The organic grapes looked crappy."

"Because I didn't want to ask about the grapes. I wanted to ask about everything. The fruit lasted all week and looked good and I wanted to know if it was organic. I wasn't attacking you. Why do you get so defensive?"

What I thought: "I could, right now, probably write down 25 different ways to ask that question about organic fruit that made sense and were not judgmental, but that would be a total waste of time because your brain is completely screwed up."

What I said: "I have no idea. I'm going to go brush my teeth." 

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51 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

This morning, in an accusatory tone, out of completely fucking nowhere: "are you usually buying organic?"

Me, totally perplexed: "what?"

"When you go to the store are you usually buying organic?"

"Yes, I know you like organic fruit so that's what I buy. Why are you asking?"

"The grapes were not organic."

"Then why didn't you just ask me why I bought non-organic grapes? The organic grapes looked crappy."

"Because I didn't want to ask about the grapes. I wanted to ask about everything. The fruit lasted all week and looked good and I wanted to know if it was organic. I wasn't attacking you. Why do you get so defensive?"

What I thought: "I could, right now, probably write down 25 different ways to ask that question about organic fruit that made sense and were not judgmental, but that would be a total waste of time because your brain is completely screwed up."

What I said: "I have no idea. I'm going to go brush my teeth." 

Why not just let her buy her own fruit? I stopped after multiple complaints about my fruit selection skillz.

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3 hours ago, rage-a-holic said:

Why not just let her buy her own fruit? I stopped after multiple complaints about my fruit selection skillz.

 

Best learned as early as possible, but it's never Too Late to start.

"Sure, honey. Tell you what: I'll just buy [WHATEVER] for myself, and you buy [WHATEVER] that you like."

 

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We have 2 kids at the same school. They almost always ride the bus home.
Wife - I’m going to pick up daughter and friend from school. I need you to pick up son from bus stop.
Me - Where are you taking them?
Wife - I’m bringing them back here.
Me - 78218205b702cbf02fc6debece3a3a5c.jpg
Me - Why don’t you just pick everyone up and bring them here?
Wife - d775d36b6dca23d1fe08a3d0b216907f.jpg
Wife - I didn’t think of that.
Me - ac5ca07316821acd4664223958c5c2c0.gif

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Me still awake in our office area that’s just outside of bedroom.

She went to bed first and leaves the door open, then asks if I can dim the lights because it’s too bright.

 

Now I’m in bed on my phone scrolling silently the dark, screen brightness all the way down. She just asked if I can turn off the phone because the light is somehow penetrating her eyelids and she can’t fall asleep. 

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