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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


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40 minutes ago, blacklab said:

Wife is in downtown Denver with a friend and they decide to rent a car and instead of getting it from somewhere in town they get it from the airport.

They take an Uber and after they get there her friend realizes she doesn't have her purse so they can't rent it. Not sure why my wife didn't rent it, I didn't ask. So they have to uber back downtown and then back to the airport. $120 in Uber to rent a car for $40 for two days. 

Literally just dealt with similar issue but it was airport parking.  3 day trip and she inexplicably decided to take an Uber....We live in Leander so that's $120 vs about $30 max for airport parking.  She thought parking would be a "hassle".  

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14 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Lucky bastard.  She insists on going to the store every single goddamn day because we cannot plan dinner ahead.

 

And by planning ahead I mean she can't agree on what I propose to eat, and obviously won't suggest anything herself.

 

And by going to the store I mean I drive her to the goddamn store because she refuses to exercise her driver's license.

Wow...now that just sounds...senseless and useless. Every day...?  Damn. 

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2 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife is in downtown Denver with a friend and they decide to rent a car and instead of getting it from somewhere in town they get it from the airport.

They take an Uber and after they get there her friend realizes she doesn't have her purse so they can't rent it. Not sure why my wife didn't rent it, I didn't ask. So they have to uber back downtown and then back to the airport. $120 in Uber to rent a car for $40 for two days. 

$9 each way on the train. 

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1 hour ago, thestud said:

Just to add to your frustration, train from downtown Denver (Crawford Hotel) to Airport is 40 mins and costs $6 per ticket. 

god dammit

I will inform her of this. She'll probably get madder than she did on the way to the airport when the 8yo told her she was bad at math and I laughed and high fived him

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3 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife is in downtown Denver with a friend and they decide to rent a car and instead of getting it from somewhere in town they get it from the airport.

They take an Uber and after they get there her friend realizes she doesn't have her purse so they can't rent it. Not sure why my wife didn't rent it, I didn't ask. So they have to uber back downtown and then back to the airport. $120 in Uber to rent a car for $40 for two days. 

i hope they got the same driver all 3 times and hes telling this story on uber reddit

Edited by MNLonghornFUKM
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Typical intro, my wife is usually super smart, yada yada yada.  This is long and there are some things I plan do differently, but the details of her thought process are what bottle my mind.

My wife flew solo with our 5 month old for the first time Wednesday morning.  Flight was out of DFW pretty early in the morning (had to leave house by 7:15 AM), so definitely had to do all packing prior to Wednesday.  Also important to note, I have to leave the house at 7 AM for a work trip out of Love.

The weekend before: I take son away from the house multiple times for way longer than necessary, and make subtle suggestions that she could use the alone time to start getting ready for the trip.  She did seem to make some headway on some laundry she would need for the trip, but for the most part I came home to her either watching Netflix or napping on the couch.  No big deal.  She watches the kid all week and deserves to do whatever she wants with her small amount of down time.

Sunday evening her Mom arrives to help watch little Spoos Monday and Tuesday.  Monday arrives and I chat with wife about her plans for the day before I head to work.  She "needs" to go shopping for a new pair of jeans, and then start packing.  They left the house around Noon (as near as I could tell from various texts).  I have to work a little late, so it's about 7:30 PM when get home...to an empty house.  Apparently they just have one more stop at Container Store so she can buy some packing pouch things she "needs" to organize all of little Spoos' shit.  They get back around 8:30 PM, bedtime activities ensue, and needless to say there is zero prep for the trip.  She did get her jeans and travel pouch things, so perhaps that counts as progress?  I have zero clue or interest in how or why that took 8+ hours.

Tuesday - her Mom has to leave around Noon to drive back to Houston.  Perhaps pack while you've got somebody to watch the little guy?  Pshhh, don't be silly.  She decides she needs a new suitcase because the ones we are have are either too big or too small.  I come home Tuesday evening and see that packing progress is limited to a new empty suitcase laying open in the living room.

We will both be out of town for a week and have a bunch to do, so we agree to just eat what's in the fridge and avoid making a mess.  I eat some leftover chicken and veggies directly out of the throw away tupperware thing it's stored in.  There is plenty for 2, so I offer to her, but she says she'll make something else.  I throw away the container and remaining leftovers, leaving the fork I used as the only dirty item to clean.  I decide the most helpful thing I can do is take care of the child and try to organize some of his stuff upstairs.  It's about 7 PM at this point.  I start binging all the stuff I know little Spoos needs, burp cloths, diapers, wipes, etc, down to the still empty suitcase.  (Zero chance I'm wasting time picking out his clothes because she's showing him off to all her friends and undoubtedly has 2 perfect outfits a day already picked out in her mind).  I check on her in the kitchen.  She has 2 pots and a frying pan on the stove, and is chopping up all sorts of zucchini, tomatoes, basil, etc. that she "doesn't want to go to waste". 

I see one pot of boiling water...

Me: What's the boiling water for?

Her: I'm going to boil some peaches.

Me: I've never seen her boil a peach in our 8 year relationship. Boil some peaches?  Why?

Her: So I can peel them.

Me: Umm, are you making a cobbler?

Her: No, just to eat.

Me: Walks away before head explodes. It's 2 days later and I'm still so confused by this.

8:30 comes.  Time for little Spoos' bath and bedtime.  She takes him upstairs around 9 to put him down.  I take status of the kitchen that we specifically talked about our aversion to get messy.  Pots and pan (hand wash), paring and chef's knives (hand wash), veggie and peach massacred on 2 separate overflowing cutting boards, her plate, my fork, and then of course all the normal baby bottle/pump stuff from the day that has to be cleaned for the trip.  My frustration meter steadily climbs as I tackle all this shit.  I make detailed mental notes of all the stupid time wasting bullshit going on so that I can bring them up prior to her/our next trip so that they never happen again (HA!), but bitching about it now will only further delay me getting to bed for my early flight and full day of meetings.

This is already long enough, but the real packing finally begins around 10 PM.  I laugh when she says she hopes to be in bed by midnight so she can wake up at 6.  I finally go upstairs at 1 AM and pack in 5 minutes for my week long trip that includes San Antonio, the weekend in NYC with them, and then back to San Antonio.  Obviously I could've said sucks for you and gone to bed after I finished the dishes, but I'm not a dick and know she would've been up all night without my help.  She climbs in bed around 1:30 I think.  Little Spoos who has been sleeping through the night for multiple weeks decides he's hungry at 4 AM on this particular night.  So we're both up at 6 going on 2-3 hours of sleep, but I will say she got out the door on time and did thank me for all my help.

I called her exhausted from my hotel after work yesterday.  She cheerfully says, "You don't sound like you're having as much fun as us."  I simply replied that I was going to bed.  Went to hotel bar, pondered life over a few scotches, and retired to the glorious peace and quiet of my hotel room.

tl:dr  Women can't prioritize/plan, and are oblivious to how it impacts others around them.

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2 hours ago, Spoosner said:

Me: What's the boiling water for?

Her: I'm going to boil some peaches.

Me: I've never seen her boil a peach in our 8 year relationship. Boil some peaches?  Why?

Her: So I can peel them. 

Me: Umm, are you making a cobbler?

Her: No, just to eat.

This was my favorite part.

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My wife and I went to Vegas a few weekends ago for our anniversary.  She texts me the morning we are leaving and asks if I want her to do anything.  I told her to charge one of our portable phone chargers since her phone is always dead.  I get home to grab my bag and see the charger on the counter.  It has the cable coming out of the output slot and into the input slot.  Not plugged into wall at all.

 

While on the trip, we eat brunch in one of the shopping areas.  As we leave she wants to go into some store.  I go in with her and as she is trying on makeup I tell her I'm going to look at the shoes.  I come back 5 minutes later and tell her I'm going to the blackjack table and I will see her there.  She asks about the shoes and I tell her they were all shit and highly overpriced.  Fast forward an hour later she finds me at the blackjack table and can't wait to tell me how she got me something great from the store that is going to be delivered.  You guessed it, shoes.

 

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23 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife is in downtown Denver with a friend and they decide to rent a car and instead of getting it from somewhere in town they get it from the airport.

They take an Uber and after they get there her friend realizes she doesn't have her purse so they can't rent it. Not sure why my wife didn't rent it, I didn't ask. So they have to uber back downtown and then back to the airport. $120 in Uber to rent a car for $40 for two days. 

 

22 hours ago, thestud said:

Just to add to your frustration, train from downtown Denver (Crawford Hotel) to Airport is 40 mins and costs $6 per ticket. 

Trains are for poors.

People of means hire chauffeurs on a per trip basis. 

Edited by Pato del Muerto
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6 hours ago, Spoosner said:

  My frustration meter steadily climbs as I tackle all this shit.  I make detailed mental notes of all the stupid time wasting bullshit going on so that I can bring them up prior to her/our next trip so that they never happen again (HA!), but bitching about it now will only further delay me getting to bed for my early flight and full day of meetings.

 

lol_idi_amin.gif

Good luck with that.  Seriously.  Let us know how that goes.  Seriously.

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1 hour ago, Angry Gorilla said:

My wife and I went to Vegas a few weekends ago for our anniversary.  She texts me the morning we are leaving and asks if I want her to do anything.  I told her to charge one of our portable phone chargers since her phone is always dead.  I get home to grab my bag and see the charger on the counter.  It has the cable coming out of the output slot and into the input slot.  Not plugged into wall at all.

 

While on the trip, we eat brunch in one of the shopping areas.  As we leave she wants to go into some store.  I go in with her and as she is trying on makeup I tell her I'm going to look at the shoes.  I come back 5 minutes later and tell her I'm going to the blackjack table and I will see her there.  She asks about the shoes and I tell her they were all shit and highly overpriced.  Fast forward an hour later she finds me at the blackjack table and can't wait to tell me how she got me something great from the store that is going to be delivered.  You guessed it, shoes.

Did the shoes at least fit?

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8 hours ago, Spoosner said:

Typical intro, my wife is usually super smart, yada yada yada.  This is long and there are some things I plan do differently, but the details of her thought process are what bottle my mind.

My wife flew solo with our 5 month old for the first time Wednesday morning.  Flight was out of DFW pretty early in the morning (had to leave house by 7:15 AM), so definitely had to do all packing prior to Wednesday.  Also important to note, I have to leave the house at 7 AM for a work trip out of Love.

The weekend before: I take son away from the house multiple times for way longer than necessary, and make subtle suggestions that she could use the alone time to start getting ready for the trip.  She did seem to make some headway on some laundry she would need for the trip, but for the most part I came home to her either watching Netflix or napping on the couch.  No big deal.  She watches the kid all week and deserves to do whatever she wants with her small amount of down time.

Sunday evening her Mom arrives to help watch little Spoos Monday and Tuesday.  Monday arrives and I chat with wife about her plans for the day before I head to work.  She "needs" to go shopping for a new pair of jeans, and then start packing.  They left the house around Noon (as near as I could tell from various texts).  I have to work a little late, so it's about 7:30 PM when get home...to an empty house.  Apparently they just have one more stop at Container Store so she can buy some packing pouch things she "needs" to organize all of little Spoos' shit.  They get back around 8:30 PM, bedtime activities ensue, and needless to say there is zero prep for the trip.  She did get her jeans and travel pouch things, so perhaps that counts as progress?  I have zero clue or interest in how or why that took 8+ hours.

Tuesday - her Mom has to leave around Noon to drive back to Houston.  Perhaps pack while you've got somebody to watch the little guy?  Pshhh, don't be silly.  She decides she needs a new suitcase because the ones we are have are either too big or too small.  I come home Tuesday evening and see that packing progress is limited to a new empty suitcase laying open in the living room.

We will both be out of town for a week and have a bunch to do, so we agree to just eat what's in the fridge and avoid making a mess.  I eat some leftover chicken and veggies directly out of the throw away tupperware thing it's stored in.  There is plenty for 2, so I offer to her, but she says she'll make something else.  I throw away the container and remaining leftovers, leaving the fork I used as the only dirty item to clean.  I decide the most helpful thing I can do is take care of the child and try to organize some of his stuff upstairs.  It's about 7 PM at this point.  I start binging all the stuff I know little Spoos needs, burp cloths, diapers, wipes, etc, down to the still empty suitcase.  (Zero chance I'm wasting time picking out his clothes because she's showing him off to all her friends and undoubtedly has 2 perfect outfits a day already picked out in her mind).  I check on her in the kitchen.  She has 2 pots and a frying pan on the stove, and is chopping up all sorts of zucchini, tomatoes, basil, etc. that she "doesn't want to go to waste". 

I see one pot of boiling water...

Me: What's the boiling water for?

Her: I'm going to boil some peaches.

Me: I've never seen her boil a peach in our 8 year relationship. Boil some peaches?  Why?

Her: So I can peel them.

Me: Umm, are you making a cobbler?

Her: No, just to eat.

Me: Walks away before head explodes. It's 2 days later and I'm still so confused by this.

8:30 comes.  Time for little Spoos' bath and bedtime.  She takes him upstairs around 9 to put him down.  I take status of the kitchen that we specifically talked about our aversion to get messy.  Pots and pan (hand wash), paring and chef's knives (hand wash), veggie and peach massacred on 2 separate overflowing cutting boards, her plate, my fork, and then of course all the normal baby bottle/pump stuff from the day that has to be cleaned for the trip.  My frustration meter steadily climbs as I tackle all this shit.  I make detailed mental notes of all the stupid time wasting bullshit going on so that I can bring them up prior to her/our next trip so that they never happen again (HA!), but bitching about it now will only further delay me getting to bed for my early flight and full day of meetings.

This is already long enough, but the real packing finally begins around 10 PM.  I laugh when she says she hopes to be in bed by midnight so she can wake up at 6.  I finally go upstairs at 1 AM and pack in 5 minutes for my week long trip that includes San Antonio, the weekend in NYC with them, and then back to San Antonio.  Obviously I could've said sucks for you and gone to bed after I finished the dishes, but I'm not a dick and know she would've been up all night without my help.  She climbs in bed around 1:30 I think.  Little Spoos who has been sleeping through the night for multiple weeks decides he's hungry at 4 AM on this particular night.  So we're both up at 6 going on 2-3 hours of sleep, but I will say she got out the door on time and did thank me for all my help.

I called her exhausted from my hotel after work yesterday.  She cheerfully says, "You don't sound like you're having as much fun as us."  I simply replied that I was going to bed.  Went to hotel bar, pondered life over a few scotches, and retired to the glorious peace and quiet of my hotel room.

tl:dr  Women can't prioritize/plan, and are oblivious to how it impacts others around them.

I can see how your mind is bottled by this. 

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22 hours ago, Spoosner said:

Typical intro, my wife is usually super smart, yada yada yada.  This is long and there are some things I plan do differently, but the details of her thought process are what bottle my mind.

My wife flew solo with our 5 month old for the first time Wednesday morning.  Flight was out of DFW pretty early in the morning (had to leave house by 7:15 AM), so definitely had to do all packing prior to Wednesday.  Also important to note, I have to leave the house at 7 AM for a work trip out of Love.

The weekend before: I take son away from the house multiple times for way longer than necessary, and make subtle suggestions that she could use the alone time to start getting ready for the trip.  She did seem to make some headway on some laundry she would need for the trip, but for the most part I came home to her either watching Netflix or napping on the couch.  No big deal.  She watches the kid all week and deserves to do whatever she wants with her small amount of down time.

Sunday evening her Mom arrives to help watch little Spoos Monday and Tuesday.  Monday arrives and I chat with wife about her plans for the day before I head to work.  She "needs" to go shopping for a new pair of jeans, and then start packing.  They left the house around Noon (as near as I could tell from various texts).  I have to work a little late, so it's about 7:30 PM when get home...to an empty house.  Apparently they just have one more stop at Container Store so she can buy some packing pouch things she "needs" to organize all of little Spoos' shit.  They get back around 8:30 PM, bedtime activities ensue, and needless to say there is zero prep for the trip.  She did get her jeans and travel pouch things, so perhaps that counts as progress?  I have zero clue or interest in how or why that took 8+ hours.

Tuesday - her Mom has to leave around Noon to drive back to Houston.  Perhaps pack while you've got somebody to watch the little guy?  Pshhh, don't be silly.  She decides she needs a new suitcase because the ones we are have are either too big or too small.  I come home Tuesday evening and see that packing progress is limited to a new empty suitcase laying open in the living room.

We will both be out of town for a week and have a bunch to do, so we agree to just eat what's in the fridge and avoid making a mess.  I eat some leftover chicken and veggies directly out of the throw away tupperware thing it's stored in.  There is plenty for 2, so I offer to her, but she says she'll make something else.  I throw away the container and remaining leftovers, leaving the fork I used as the only dirty item to clean.  I decide the most helpful thing I can do is take care of the child and try to organize some of his stuff upstairs.  It's about 7 PM at this point.  I start binging all the stuff I know little Spoos needs, burp cloths, diapers, wipes, etc, down to the still empty suitcase.  (Zero chance I'm wasting time picking out his clothes because she's showing him off to all her friends and undoubtedly has 2 perfect outfits a day already picked out in her mind).  I check on her in the kitchen.  She has 2 pots and a frying pan on the stove, and is chopping up all sorts of zucchini, tomatoes, basil, etc. that she "doesn't want to go to waste". 

I see one pot of boiling water...

Me: What's the boiling water for?

Her: I'm going to boil some peaches.

Me: I've never seen her boil a peach in our 8 year relationship. Boil some peaches?  Why?

Her: So I can peel them.

Me: Umm, are you making a cobbler?

Her: No, just to eat.

Me: Walks away before head explodes. It's 2 days later and I'm still so confused by this.

8:30 comes.  Time for little Spoos' bath and bedtime.  She takes him upstairs around 9 to put him down.  I take status of the kitchen that we specifically talked about our aversion to get messy.  Pots and pan (hand wash), paring and chef's knives (hand wash), veggie and peach massacred on 2 separate overflowing cutting boards, her plate, my fork, and then of course all the normal baby bottle/pump stuff from the day that has to be cleaned for the trip.  My frustration meter steadily climbs as I tackle all this shit.  I make detailed mental notes of all the stupid time wasting bullshit going on so that I can bring them up prior to her/our next trip so that they never happen again (HA!), but bitching about it now will only further delay me getting to bed for my early flight and full day of meetings.

This is already long enough, but the real packing finally begins around 10 PM.  I laugh when she says she hopes to be in bed by midnight so she can wake up at 6.  I finally go upstairs at 1 AM and pack in 5 minutes for my week long trip that includes San Antonio, the weekend in NYC with them, and then back to San Antonio.  Obviously I could've said sucks for you and gone to bed after I finished the dishes, but I'm not a dick and know she would've been up all night without my help.  She climbs in bed around 1:30 I think.  Little Spoos who has been sleeping through the night for multiple weeks decides he's hungry at 4 AM on this particular night.  So we're both up at 6 going on 2-3 hours of sleep, but I will say she got out the door on time and did thank me for all my help.

I called her exhausted from my hotel after work yesterday.  She cheerfully says, "You don't sound like you're having as much fun as us."  I simply replied that I was going to bed.  Went to hotel bar, pondered life over a few scotches, and retired to the glorious peace and quiet of my hotel room.

tl:dr  Women can't prioritize/plan, and are oblivious to how it impacts others around them.

Don't know why, but every time I read "little spoos'", I cracked up laughing.

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Her:  hey can you clean out the tiller for me?

me:  

look at tiller. Looks like she stuck it into a hay bale. 

Here’s what all came out other then about a cubic foot of straw. 

 

9aa1ca87d27e5fa4d6f9cb99b69534ec.jpg

 

So that’s two types of plastic, a thick cotton line, jute, some braided nylon, and some 28ish gauge wire.

 

Much like the kitchen sink disposal, she must think this $100 electric tiller can eat anything.

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We all know wives are on their phones all the damn time. Plus they're shopping on that phone. And then me or someone like me ends up delivering it to your house.

So - explain to me why when I get to the access gate and find no code he's been provided they can't ever answer their phone or check their text messages? It's like the only time of their lives when their phone is nowhere to be found. Or when they do find it they don't check it for messages.

The other day I'm sitting at a gate that has no code or call button. I call and leave a message. I send a text. I sit there for 5 minutes and suddenly the gate opens and she's driving out, sees me blocking the entrance and stops. Had no idea I called or texted.

This happens at least once a week.

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How many housewives have answered the door ready to fuck?
Uh...

Housewives.

Ready to fuck.


You’re funny.
This.


Besides, I rarely see the customers because they're not home or I'm already back in the car by the time they open the door. It was more interesting when I delivered pizzas at 19, but then it'd more likely be a guy ready to fuck.
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On 8/13/2018 at 11:33 AM, Texaus said:

I do something like that every now and then just so I can get a blowjob later after she fucks it up. Totally worth the price of a roast.

Well played, but not quite perfection, grasshopper. To attain the pinnacle, one must enjoy the perfectly cooked steak and the blowjob.

On 8/16/2018 at 1:16 PM, Beau Vine said:

This was my favorite part.

I think I figured this one out. The boiled peaches were to be smashed into homemade baby food, which would then go into the containers, which would the be deployed in front of mommy friends, with the goal of showing them what a kitchen ninja she is. 

On 8/16/2018 at 4:32 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:
On 8/16/2018 at 9:40 AM, Jerry Callo said:
Not a bad idea, but I would have put blow job on there at least a couple times.

Is a blow job enough to fill you up tho

See comment one: blowjob, and steak, not one or the other. 

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There's many things I could bitch on this thread about my wife, but when we traveled to her mom's house cross country with our then 8 month old she was packing multiple days before the trip. On the other hand, any doctor appointment she's generally at least 5-10 minutes late for.

Edited by GSU&UT
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Wife is at HEB.  I had told her to get 2 pounds of the catfish filets that are on sale.

Of course, the phone just rang.

"These filets are pretty small."

"And?"

"Well, do you want me to get more of them?"

"No I want you to get 2 pounds, whether they're big or small."

"OK."

 

I wish I were making this up.

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