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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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Posted

Last night 

Me : Hey if your stopping at the store, get stuff to make root beer floats. I promised (Jameslaw's Son) that we would make them if he got good marks on his stuff from school

Her : Okay - I will

an hour later:

Me : Did you stop at the store? Or do I need too

Her : Nope - I got everything!!!

 

Anyone want to guess what I needed stop at the store to get????

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HenryJames

HenryJames 65890

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Posted
8 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Last night 

Me : Hey if your stopping at the store, get stuff to make root beer floats. I promised (Jameslaw's Son) that we would make them if he got good marks on his stuff from school

Her : Okay - I will

an hour later:

Me : Did you stop at the store? Or do I need too

Her : Nope - I got everything!!!

 

Anyone want to guess what I needed stop at the store to get????

Beer.

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After irth

After irth 1243

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, blacklab said:

wife: when is the first UT game?

me: first home game is in 2 weeks, game next week is away at Maryland.

wife: when is the first home game?

me: two weeks.

wife: they play away next week?

me: yes

wife: where?

me: Maryland

That’s a winner right there...

Such an excellent womanly example of listening in action. 

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G650

G650 14106

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Friends.
I got to immediate family but that’s about it. Most of those in our circle don’t do the big production.

We usually have our kids parties at the lake.

Gotcha. Yeah, I pick my events on Intel about liquor availability. 

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Spartan52

Spartan52 151

Posted
Posted

Get home from work and there is a weird burnt smell lingering, I ask wife who is just starting to cook dinner what the smell is and she points over to the sink.
I look over and see her wheatbag with a big scorch mark on one side, she tells me she was just heating it in the microwave and it started smelling funny.
I ask - 'How long did you put it in?!'
Wife - 'Only 3 minutes'
Me - 'I never put it in for that long, I don't even do 2 minutes!'
Wife - 'it's not too long, I do this all the time'
Me, looking over at the wheatbag - 'Oookayy'

Tone

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19151

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7 minutes ago, Spartan52 said:

Seriously?
It's a bag filled with wheat that you zap in the microwave and use as a heat pack, do you Yanks call them something different?

Da fuq?

For heat packs, we use these things called (checks notes), yeah... they’re called heat packs.

Bag of wheat is usually called flour.

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

Posted
Posted
20 minutes ago, Spartan52 said:

Seriously?
It's a bag filled with wheat that you zap in the microwave and use as a heat pack, do you Yanks call them something different?

we have things like furnaces, space heaters and electric blankets to provide warmth.

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Spartan52 said:

Seriously?
It's a bag filled with wheat that you zap in the microwave and use as a heat pack, do you Yanks call them something different?

I’m southern as fuck and have never heard of one of those.  Now bag o’ peas on the nards, yeah, I’ve heard of that, but not the wheat bag. Ever.

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cactusflinthead

cactusflinthead 27594

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Spartan52 said:

Get home from work and there is a weird burnt smell lingering, I ask wife who is just starting to cook dinner what the smell is and she points over to the sink.
I look over and see her wheatbag with a big scorch mark on one side, she tells me she was just heating it in the microwave and it started smelling funny.
I ask - 'How long did you put it in?!'
Wife - 'Only 3 minutes'
Me - 'I never put it in for that long, I don't even do 2 minutes!'
Wife - 'it's not too long, I do this all the time'
Me, looking over at the wheatbag - 'Oookayy'

Tone

Rice. Rice in an old sock. 

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52-80

52-80 19096

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Posted

She has a masters degree in Geophysics.  Even started a PhD, which she put on hiatus.  Is already mid-career in a good paying field.  

Once a week in the car she'll bring something like this up:

-You know what, I decided I want to back to school and learn physics.  I want a masters in Physics.  (you already have one..).  But it's not real physics!!!

-You know what, I want to learn Spanish.  (great, it's about the easiest foreign language, and i can practice it with you).  But I want to do it in a class...

-You know what, I want to learn how to program.  It's challenging and fun.  (great, this is a skill you dont need formal schooling in... and theres a wealth of terrific self-training material out there... you can start with something like CodeAcademy.com).  No... but that's not real learning.

This weekend:

-You know what, I will learn psychology.  (you're batshit crazy [i didnt actually say this]).  I think I'm good at reading people.  I can really help solve their issues.  But I have to start from scratch so I guess Bachelors first, and then..... 

 

Well hell, why dont you hold down the job, and I go to Tulane to enroll in basketweaving...

 

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O1E

O1E 3

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

She has a masters degree in Geophysics.  Even started a PhD, which she put on hiatus.  Is already mid-career in a good paying field.  

Once a week in the car she'll bring something like this up:

-You know what, I decided I want to back to school and learn physics.  I want a masters in Physics.  (you already have one..).  But it's not real physics!!!

-You know what, I want to learn Spanish.  (great, it's about the easiest foreign language, and i can practice it with you).  But I want to do it in a class...

-You know what, I want to learn how to program.  It's challenging and fun.  (great, this is a skill you dont need formal schooling in... and theres a wealth of terrific self-training material out there... you can start with something like CodeAcademy.com).  No... but that's not real learning.

This weekend:

-You know what, I will learn psychology.  (you're batshit crazy [i didnt actually say this]).  I think I'm good at reading people.  I can really help solve their issues.  But I have to start from scratch so I guess Bachelors first, and then..... 

 

Well hell, why dont you hold down the job, and I go to Tulane to enroll in basketweaving...

 

This is the educated woman version of “It Works” or “Herbalife”. I’m not sure why but it’s almost like they think if your job is hard you need a new career. My wife does this every 3-5 years and then doesn’t get she’s not pulling down 6 figures. It’s maddening. 

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52342

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Spartan52 said:

So none of you have seen the bags that women use when they have an ache, sometimes smell like lavender and shit?
I imagine Pinterest must have instructions on how to make these fucking things

Yes. It’s a tube sock filled with corn kernels and sewn shut. 

Well we did, until the dog found it within reach. 

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Pokoloco

Pokoloco 1272

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My son had his girlfriend over, he played video a game while she played on her phone:

Her: Is that a date? what the hell is wrong with them?

I just shrugged and said: Millenials

Her:  is that the game he's playing?

Me: Are you shitting me, you've never heard the term Millenials?

Her: Minnillials?? What is it?

I told her I have to put this on the list, but I don't think anyone will believe me.

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BearMace

BearMace 2183

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1 hour ago, Pokoloco said:

My son had his girlfriend over, he played video a game while she played on her phone:

Her: Is that a date? what the hell is wrong with them?

I just shrugged and said: Millenials

Her:  is that the game he's playing?

Me: Are you shitting me, you've never heard the term Millenials?

Her: Minnillials?? What is it?

I told her I have to put this on the list, but I don't think anyone will believe me.

torbush.gif

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Mrs CL: Really? Why did you buy that? I hate hand sanitizer / plastic / gasoline / pop tarts / non-organic produce / paper towels / beef / bullets... ... ... ... 

Me: Why?

Mrs CL: Well, for one thing it's bad for the environment. 

Me: Is there any consumer good in the world that you don't think is bad for the environment? 

Mrs CL: Tone

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Modessit

Modessit 5596

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Had an issue with our ISP earlier this week and didn't have Internet at the house for a day. The kids wanted to watch some cartoons so I told my wife to turn her hotspot on so they could watch on the tablet - which she did.

Later my wife asks me - "So how do our phones work without the internet?"

Me: How does your phone work when your at work or driving down the road?

Her: I don't know.

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ernest_t_bass

ernest_t_bass 1196

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Posted
5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
5 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:
I hope you took the time to educate her without making her feel embarrassed about not knowing. 
Maybe she's young and never lived in a world without the internet. Maybe she's never seen a rotary phone. 
Maybe you could post pics. 

Of the wife or the rotary phone

both.jpg

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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Posted
7 hours ago, Modessit said:

Had an issue with our ISP earlier this week and didn't have Internet at the house for a day. The kids wanted to watch some cartoons so I told my wife to turn her hotspot on so they could watch on the tablet - which she did.

Later my wife asks me - "So how do our phones work without the internet?"

Me: How does your phone work when your at work or driving down the road?

Her: I don't know.

I turned your wife’s hotspot on that night, and again the next morning 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8789

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:
9 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:
I hope you took the time to educate her without making her feel embarrassed about not knowing. 
Maybe she's young and never lived in a world without the internet. Maybe she's never seen a rotary phone. 
Maybe you could post pics. 

Of the wife or the rotary phone

Of the rotary wife

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17388

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, Modessit said:

Had an issue with our ISP earlier this week and didn't have Internet at the house for a day. The kids wanted to watch some cartoons so I told my wife to turn her hotspot on so they could watch on the tablet - which she did.

Later my wife asks me - "So how do our phones work without the internet?"

Me: How does your phone work when your at work or driving down the road?

Her: I don't know.

*you're

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lateshow

lateshow 1304

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

About a year ago, my work schedule changed from working every other Sunday to working every Sunday. 

Still, every week or two, I get “are you working this Sunday?”

i give her tone. She gets mad. It’s a fun thing we do. 

Is this your boss?

Bill-Lumbergh-LF-RF.jpg

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