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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do


Spur08

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My wife and I had to take both cars to the lake this weekend for various reasons.  Coming back Sunday she left before me as I had some stuff to finish up.  I lost track of time and needed to know what time she was going to be home so I called to ask where she was.  She said she was on 180.  180 comprises about 80% of the 1.5 hour drive.

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22 minutes ago, Angry Gorilla said:

My wife and I had to take both cars to the lake this weekend for various reasons.  Coming back Sunday she left before me as I had some stuff to finish up.  I lost track of time and needed to know what time she was going to be home so I called to ask where she was.  She said she was on 180.  180 comprises about 80% of the 1.5 hour drive.

She was told there would be no maths.

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27 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

Is this a teaser? It would seem to be that there is more information. 

OK, the first time I was on the phone with her when she rear ended a BMW in front of her.  She gave me the "she stopped out of nowhere!" BS line.  My 12 yo daughter was in the car, who later told me she (the wife) seemed to be distracted.  It wasn't bad, but enough to cause significant damage to both cars.  The second time was MUCH more idiotic.  She turned into a curb cut that led into a grocery lot we've been to a million times.  But this curb cut has a sewer built into it so it doesn't gradually grade down, but more abruptly.  She turned in as another car was coming out and basically ripped the entire bumper off.  This was 3 weeks after getting it out of the shop.  And it was expensive enough that we had to go through insurance each time.  I shudder to think of what they are going to do to me upon renewal.

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you tell me.  texts

her:  She (her friend) sent me this picture from the Dallas airport.

me:  Is she flying to Austin?  (new property in Austin that just opened that they've both spent time in recently)

her:  Not sure

me:  Why is she in Dallas then.

her:  Is it far?

me:  what are we actually talking about

her:  I just showed you the picture she sent and you ended up with directions

me:  because you sent me a photo from the Dallas airport

her:  and?

me:  Is she there?

her:  I guess she flew from Dallas to Austin

 

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10 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

you tell me.  texts

her:  She (her friend) sent me this picture from the Dallas airport.

me:  Is she flying to Austin?  (new property in Austin that just opened that they've both spent time in recently)

her:  Not sure

me:  Why is she in Dallas then.

her:  Is it far?

me:  what are we actually talking about

her:  I just showed you the picture she sent and you ended up with directions

me:  because you sent me a photo from the Dallas airport

her:  and?

me:  Is she there?

her:  I guess she flew from Dallas to Austin

 

Um...what?

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15 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

you tell me.  texts

her:  She (her friend) sent me this picture from the Dallas airport.

me:  Is she flying to Austin?  (new property in Austin that just opened that they've both spent time in recently)

her:  Not sure

me:  Why is she in Dallas then.

her:  Is it far?

me:  what are we actually talking about

her:  I just showed you the picture she sent and you ended up with directions

me:  because you sent me a photo from the Dallas airport

her:  and?

me:  Is she there?

her:  I guess she flew from Dallas to Austin

 

giphy.gif

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14 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

you tell me.  texts

her:  She (her friend) sent me this picture from the Dallas airport.

me:  Is she flying to Austin?  (new property in Austin that just opened that they've both spent time in recently)

her:  Not sure

me:  Why is she in Dallas then.

her:  Is it far?

me:  what are we actually talking about

her:  I just showed you the picture she sent and you ended up with directions

me:  because you sent me a photo from the Dallas airport

her:  and?

me:  Is she there?

her:  I guess she flew from Dallas to Austin

 

Her: Remember, we talked about that 2 years ago.

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17 hours ago, Sbbruin said:

OK, the first time I was on the phone with her when she rear ended a BMW in front of her.  She gave me the "she stopped out of nowhere!" BS line.  My 12 yo daughter was in the car, who later told me she (the wife) seemed to be distracted.  It wasn't bad, but enough to cause significant damage to both cars.  The second time was MUCH more idiotic.  She turned into a curb cut that led into a grocery lot we've been to a million times.  But this curb cut has a sewer built into it so it doesn't gradually grade down, but more abruptly.  She turned in as another car was coming out and basically ripped the entire bumper off.  This was 3 weeks after getting it out of the shop.  And it was expensive enough that we had to go through insurance each time.  I shudder to think of what they are going to do to me upon renewal.

That woman must have the purtiest mouth and best rack ever.  

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3 minutes ago, Dbeasy said:

I think I might have a “best of” candidate.

Wife was watching Obama’s speech at Illinois and kept repeating that she didn’t understand why Obama cared about the mid-terms. She said it several times. Finally I said that the elections were really important in November so he should care. As I stared at her, I could see her mind finally realize that he was talking about the midterm elections, and not the University of Illinois mid-term exams.

Oh, that's fantastic!

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I’ve been away from this thread for awhile, got a couple.

“Buzz Jr had a couple great tackles in his football game today.”

“On offense or defense?”

Yes I know, technically, but still...


Then last night we’re watching Inglorious Basterds. It’s the lengthy bar scene that is pretty almost entirely subtitled in German. “Can you turn it up?”

No she does not speak German.

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27 minutes ago, Dbeasy said:

I think I might have a “best of” candidate.

Wife was watching Obama’s speech at Illinois and kept repeating that she didn’t understand why Obama cared about the mid-terms. She said it several times. Finally I said that the elections were really important in November so he should care. As I stared at her, I could see her mind finally realize that he was talking about the midterm elections, and not the University of Illinois mid-term exams.

Strong to very strong.

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28 minutes ago, Dbeasy said:

I think I might have a “best of” candidate.

Wife was watching Obama’s speech at Illinois and kept repeating that she didn’t understand why Obama cared about the mid-terms. She said it several times. Finally I said that the elections were really important in November so he should care. As I stared at her, I could see her mind finally realize that he was talking about the midterm elections, and not the University of Illinois mid-term exams.

4zx.gif

 

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gahhhhhhhh

 

I create a shared Google Photos album for us.  I created a shared Google Drive folder for us.

She uses Gmail/Google as primary service, and Android as her phone.  So the above are all native services. 

 

We've had lots of life changes that produces tons of new photos and documents.  I upload and file everything there, that they are available virtually instantaneously, at all times, everywhere

 

And every single goddamn day "hey can you send me that photo of [our goddaughter]" "hey can you email me the new electric bill" "hey can you give me that picture of our dog". 

 

And most of that time, she wants it through fucking Facebook Messenger.  i dont know how many gigabytes of OCR'able documents Mark Zuckerberg has on us now. 

 

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37 minutes ago, UTEX90 said:

Wife's daughter is moving out of the house and into an apartment.  I am grateful.  Daughter could stay as long as she wants but she got a big ass 1 year old dog that is a deal breaker.  Plus it will be closer to her new job and social life.

Anyway, wife decides to get a Uhaul for the move.   I can't help Friday night or Saturday night but am happy to help Saturday during the day.

Me. Why do you need a Uhaul?  What are you moving?

Wife: Bed (broken down), Desk and boxes.

Me:  You don't need a Uhaul.

Wife:  I want to rent a Uhaul.

Me.  We have 3 SUV's we can fit it all plus you have already taken stuff over there.

Wife: I want to make one trip.

Me:  If you're going to do that get the smallest thing you can.

Wife:  I already rented it.

So we go to the Uhaul place on Friday at 3:00 to get the TRUCK for a 24 hour rental.    I am laughing at the size of the truck but hold my tongue.   Wife decides she will move Friday night instead while I'm gone.  I protest a little but know she is full steam ahead.  I leave.  She loads the Uhaul.  Drives to the apartment with a truck that could only be 1/6 full at best, with twin 10 year olds inside the cab and a 22 year old daughter on site to help move everything.   Apartment is on the 2nd floor.  Only way to get to second floor without stairs is by parking garage.  Parking garage has 8ft clearance.  Truck 11ft.

When I get home Friday night wife says, I need you to help me take the desk out of the Uhaul and put it in my truck in the morning.  We couldn't get it up the stairs.

I'm not bitching.  I didn't have to move anything into the apartment and they did it all.    Hell, I still haven't seen the apartment as they made about 4 trips there and back while I was gone.

It's still stupid.

Does your wife work for the government?

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1 hour ago, UTEX90 said:

Wife's daughter is moving out of the house and into an apartment.  I am grateful.  Daughter could stay as long as she wants but she got a big ass 1 year old dog that is a deal breaker.  Plus it will be closer to her new job and social life.

Anyway, wife decides to get a Uhaul for the move.   I can't help Friday night or Saturday night but am happy to help Saturday during the day.

Me. Why do you need a Uhaul?  What are you moving?

Wife: Bed (broken down), Desk and boxes.

Me:  You don't need a Uhaul.

Wife:  I want to rent a Uhaul.

Me.  We have 3 SUV's we can fit it all plus you have already taken stuff over there.

Wife: I want to make one trip.

Me:  If you're going to do that get the smallest thing you can.

Wife:  I already rented it.

So we go to the Uhaul place on Friday at 3:00 to get the TRUCK for a 24 hour rental.    I am laughing at the size of the truck but hold my tongue.   Wife decides she will move Friday night instead while I'm gone.  I protest a little but know she is full steam ahead.  I leave.  She loads the Uhaul.  Drives to the apartment with a truck that could only be 1/6 full at best, with twin 10 year olds inside the cab and a 22 year old daughter on site to help move everything.   Apartment is on the 2nd floor.  Only way to get to second floor without stairs is by parking garage.  Parking garage has 8ft clearance.  Truck 11ft.

When I get home Friday night wife says, I need you to help me take the desk out of the Uhaul and put it in my truck in the morning.  We couldn't get it up the stairs.

I'm not bitching.  I didn't have to move anything into the apartment and they did it all.    Hell, I still haven't seen the apartment as they made about 4 trips there and back while I was gone.

It's still stupid.

So where are the pics of your 22 yo step daughter?

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We’ve only been in the area a short while and had agreed we’d not do anything major to the house until we decided how we liked living here.
That  agreement was presumably forgotten  by one party..... but not I.  For now those plans go in the drawer......for now.. 
Shit gets lost all of the time.
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Wife's daughter is moving out of the house and into an apartment.  I am grateful.  Daughter could stay as long as she wants but she got a big ass 1 year old dog that is a deal breaker.  Plus it will be closer to her new job and social life.
Anyway, wife decides to get a Uhaul for the move.   I can't help Friday night or Saturday night but am happy to help Saturday during the day.
Me. Why do you need a Uhaul?  What are you moving?
Wife: Bed (broken down), Desk and boxes.
Me:  You don't need a Uhaul.
Wife:  I want to rent a Uhaul.
Me.  We have 3 SUV's we can fit it all plus you have already taken stuff over there.
Wife: I want to make one trip.
Me:  If you're going to do that get the smallest thing you can.
Wife:  I already rented it.
So we go to the Uhaul place on Friday at 3:00 to get the TRUCK for a 24 hour rental.    I am laughing at the size of the truck but hold my tongue.   Wife decides she will move Friday night instead while I'm gone.  I protest a little but know she is full steam ahead.  I leave.  She loads the Uhaul.  Drives to the apartment with a truck that could only be 1/6 full at best, with twin 10 year olds inside the cab and a 22 year old daughter on site to help move everything.   Apartment is on the 2nd floor.  Only way to get to second floor without stairs is by parking garage.  Parking garage has 8ft clearance.  Truck 11ft.
When I get home Friday night wife says, I need you to help me take the desk out of the Uhaul and put it in my truck in the morning.  We couldn't get it up the stairs.
I'm not bitching.  I didn't have to move anything into the apartment and they did it all.    Hell, I still haven't seen the apartment as they made about 4 trips there and back while I was gone.
It's still stupid.
Considering how much Uhaul charges by the mile you might want to sell the desk.
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Wife's daughter is moving out of the house and into an apartment.  I am grateful.  Daughter could stay as long as she wants but she got a big ass 1 year old dog that is a deal breaker.  Plus it will be closer to her new job and social life.
Anyway, wife decides to get a Uhaul for the move.   I can't help Friday night or Saturday night but am happy to help Saturday during the day.
Me. Why do you need a Uhaul?  What are you moving?
Wife: Bed (broken down), Desk and boxes.
Me:  You don't need a Uhaul.
Wife:  I want to rent a Uhaul.
Me.  We have 3 SUV's we can fit it all plus you have already taken stuff over there.
Wife: I want to make one trip.
Me:  If you're going to do that get the smallest thing you can.
Wife:  I already rented it.
So we go to the Uhaul place on Friday at 3:00 to get the TRUCK for a 24 hour rental.    I am laughing at the size of the truck but hold my tongue.   Wife decides she will move Friday night instead while I'm gone.  I protest a little but know she is full steam ahead.  I leave.  She loads the Uhaul.  Drives to the apartment with a truck that could only be 1/6 full at best, with twin 10 year olds inside the cab and a 22 year old daughter on site to help move everything.   Apartment is on the 2nd floor.  Only way to get to second floor without stairs is by parking garage.  Parking garage has 8ft clearance.  Truck 11ft.
When I get home Friday night wife says, I need you to help me take the desk out of the Uhaul and put it in my truck in the morning.  We couldn't get it up the stairs.
I'm not bitching.  I didn't have to move anything into the apartment and they did it all.    Hell, I still haven't seen the apartment as they made about 4 trips there and back while I was gone.
It's still stupid.


Shouldn’t the guy that she’s fucking be the one to help her move?
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12 hours ago, Modessit said:
On 9/12/2018 at 2:32 PM, UTEX90 said:
Wife's daughter is moving out of the house and into an apartment.  I am grateful.  Daughter could stay as long as she wants but she got a big ass 1 year old dog that is a deal breaker.  Plus it will be closer to her new job and social life.
Anyway, wife decides to get a Uhaul for the move.   I can't help Friday night or Saturday night but am happy to help Saturday during the day.
Me. Why do you need a Uhaul?  What are you moving?
Wife: Bed (broken down), Desk and boxes.
Me:  You don't need a Uhaul.
Wife:  I want to rent a Uhaul.
Me.  We have 3 SUV's we can fit it all plus you have already taken stuff over there.
Wife: I want to make one trip.
Me:  If you're going to do that get the smallest thing you can.
Wife:  I already rented it.
So we go to the Uhaul place on Friday at 3:00 to get the TRUCK for a 24 hour rental.    I am laughing at the size of the truck but hold my tongue.   Wife decides she will move Friday night instead while I'm gone.  I protest a little but know she is full steam ahead.  I leave.  She loads the Uhaul.  Drives to the apartment with a truck that could only be 1/6 full at best, with twin 10 year olds inside the cab and a 22 year old daughter on site to help move everything.   Apartment is on the 2nd floor.  Only way to get to second floor without stairs is by parking garage.  Parking garage has 8ft clearance.  Truck 11ft.
When I get home Friday night wife says, I need you to help me take the desk out of the Uhaul and put it in my truck in the morning.  We couldn't get it up the stairs.
I'm not bitching.  I didn't have to move anything into the apartment and they did it all.    Hell, I still haven't seen the apartment as they made about 4 trips there and back while I was gone.
It's still stupid.

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Considering how much Uhaul charges by the mile you might want to sell the desk.

Desk wasn't worth the refueling cost much less the Uhaul.

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12 hours ago, Modessit said:
On 9/12/2018 at 2:32 PM, UTEX90 said:
Wife's daughter is moving out of the house and into an apartment.  I am grateful.  Daughter could stay as long as she wants but she got a big ass 1 year old dog that is a deal breaker.  Plus it will be closer to her new job and social life.
Anyway, wife decides to get a Uhaul for the move.   I can't help Friday night or Saturday night but am happy to help Saturday during the day.
Me. Why do you need a Uhaul?  What are you moving?
Wife: Bed (broken down), Desk and boxes.
Me:  You don't need a Uhaul.
Wife:  I want to rent a Uhaul.
Me.  We have 3 SUV's we can fit it all plus you have already taken stuff over there.
Wife: I want to make one trip.
Me:  If you're going to do that get the smallest thing you can.
Wife:  I already rented it.
So we go to the Uhaul place on Friday at 3:00 to get the TRUCK for a 24 hour rental.    I am laughing at the size of the truck but hold my tongue.   Wife decides she will move Friday night instead while I'm gone.  I protest a little but know she is full steam ahead.  I leave.  She loads the Uhaul.  Drives to the apartment with a truck that could only be 1/6 full at best, with twin 10 year olds inside the cab and a 22 year old daughter on site to help move everything.   Apartment is on the 2nd floor.  Only way to get to second floor without stairs is by parking garage.  Parking garage has 8ft clearance.  Truck 11ft.
When I get home Friday night wife says, I need you to help me take the desk out of the Uhaul and put it in my truck in the morning.  We couldn't get it up the stairs.
I'm not bitching.  I didn't have to move anything into the apartment and they did it all.    Hell, I still haven't seen the apartment as they made about 4 trips there and back while I was gone.
It's still stupid.

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Considering how much Uhaul charges by the mile you might want to sell the desk.

That's better than how much your mom charges by the minute.  I had to sell my truck this morning

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So at dinner on Tuesday our 3rd grader starts asking about 9/11. No big deal talk about bad people wanting to do bad things to people, etc.

I can't remember them all but I basically spent the entire conversation correcting my well educated wife on the details of 9/11-

3 planes?- No 

8 hijackers?- No

Why did the fourth plane crash in Pennsylvania again?

My kids love baseball so I showed them the youtube clip of GW throwing out the first pitch at the Yankees WS game- 

Mrs. Hoffa- I forgot he was the president then.................

 

I love my wife to death, she has a great job but holy shit sometimes I just shake my head and say who the hell are you again? 

 

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I normally park my farm truck under a covered "pavilion"-type thing we have. I was trimming trees and clearing brush this past weekend and just left my tools sitting in the bed of the truck - under the roof - instead of carrying them back inside the barn. Pole saw, chainsaw, commercial weedeater. 

Wife was at the farm this week when the tractor dealer called that he was coming to pick up the tractor to for some repairs (long story but the transmission is out and the tractor was stuck in the field).

I called my wife and said, "Can you move the truck to the carport? The tractor guy needs to drive through the pavilion to get to the tractor so he can haul it out." She concurs and the tractor guy comes and tows it out no problem. 

The carport attached to our barn is HUGE. Probably deep enough to park two rows of three suburbans end to end. Plenty of room to comfortably park single a 3/4 ton pickup underneath. 

I get to the farm yesterday for the first time in a few days. It has been raining all week. She's walked past it several times, in the rain, with the tools in the back. This is how she parked my truck "under" the carport. (you can see the pavilion where it usually is in the background - the carport is slightly bigger)

 

parking%20job.JPG

 

 

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A lightning strike took out my Uverse router on Tuesday, so no internet or TV at the house.  Called AT&T and they shipped a new router that day to arrive yesterday (Thursday).  My wife was there during the entire episode.  We've talked about at least 35 times.  She stays home Thursday from work.

At around noon on Thursday I get this text.  "The thermostat says its been disconnected from the internet for more than 24 hours.  Can you check your phone app and see if it's ok?"

I pondered this for a few minutes, considering and discarding several possible replies.  I finally went with. "Baby, you're so pretty!"

A few minutes later I get.  "Damnit!  LMAO!  Blond moment."

You're so pretty is my go to response when she says something patently stupid.

Edited by Felix
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