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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19455

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, After irth said:

8 fingers in to some Buffalo Trace. Putting on my favorite wind-down album. She catches me in the kitchen pouring a bowl of cereal. 

“The kittie wanted to make sure you were ok.”

i have no idea how to respond to that, so I say “I have no idea how to respond to that.”  

“It’s ok,” she says, “he can come back with me.”  

At this point, I’ve peeked in the Master. The Cat is in his usual don’t-give-a-fuck spot at the foot. 

“Ok,” I say.  Garfield French continues to play.  Certainly not going to bed until Private Affair is done.  

And.....scene!

 

What in the fuck are you rambling about?

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1163

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, After irth said:

8 fingers in to some Buffalo Trace. Putting on my favorite wind-down album. She catches me in the kitchen pouring a bowl of cereal. 

“The kittie wanted to make sure you were ok.”

i have no idea how to respond to that, so I say “I have no idea how to respond to that.”  

“It’s ok,” she says, “he can come back with me.”  

At this point, I’ve peeked in the Master. The Cat is in his usual don’t-give-a-fuck spot at the foot. 

“Ok,” I say.  Garfield French continues to play.  Certainly not going to bed until Private Affair is done.  

And.....scene!

 

“The kittie wanted to make sure you were okay” would have nothing to do with a cat in my mind.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 55867

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, After irth said:

8 fingers in to some Buffalo Trace. Putting on my favorite wind-down album. She catches me in the kitchen pouring a bowl of cereal. 

“The kittie wanted to make sure you were ok.”

i have no idea how to respond to that, so I say “I have no idea how to respond to that.”  

“It’s ok,” she says, “he can come back with me.”  

At this point, I’ve peeked in the Master. The Cat is in his usual don’t-give-a-fuck spot at the foot. 

“Ok,” I say.  Garfield French continues to play.  Certainly not going to bed until Private Affair is done.  

And.....scene!

 

Grendel?

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 18098

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, After irth said:

8 fingers in to some Buffalo Trace. Putting on my favorite wind-down album. She catches me in the kitchen pouring a bowl of cereal. 

“The kittie wanted to make sure you were ok.”

i have no idea how to respond to that, so I say “I have no idea how to respond to that.”  

“It’s ok,” she says, “he can come back with me.”  

At this point, I’ve peeked in the Master. The Cat is in his usual don’t-give-a-fuck spot at the foot. 

“Ok,” I say.  Garfield French continues to play.  Certainly not going to bed until Private Affair is done.  

And.....scene!

 

Who in the hell doesn't know how to spell 'kitty'?

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Drew

Drew 2930

Posted
Posted
On ‎10‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 2:37 PM, crimsonlonghorn said:

About a month ago we noticed that our outside a/c compressor was making noise and sounded like it was going bad. I called the repairman, but had somewhere to be that afternoon so Mrs CL was here when the technician actually came. 

I get home that night and Mrs CL says that the A/C guy said it wasn't broken and there was nothing to fix. I didn't ask more questions. 

This weekend I notice that the A/C is working harder than usual and then this morning I notice it's not working at all. I go outside and the fan isn't running at all.

Go inside and call Mrs CL at her office and ask her to clarify the A/C guy's previous visit. 

 

"He said that there wasn't anything for him to do that day but he'll order the part and to call him back when it finally goes out."

"I thought you said he said there was nothing wrong with it?"

"No, he said he'd order the part and wait for us to call him back when it finally quit working."

"So he knew it was broken and didn't fix it? And now that I'm sweating at my desk I'm supposed to call him back and pay him for the job he didn't do when I asked him? I don't have to be sweating right now because I called the repairman in time, but I'm still sweating? Why in the hell would I call the guy a second guy to fix something he should have fixed the first time?"

"He was really nice?"

 

I don't normally fall for "banging the repairman" explanations, but I'm struggling to find an alternate explanation. (The alternate explanation is that she's just as stupid as this sounds like)

I just called a different repair company. 

 

But the first repairman already ordered the part...and was nice though...

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5225

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

I haven't read the thread, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that has to completely re-organize the dishwasher before running.

I mean...wtf is this?  Shit's all willy nilly,  plates in diagonally, cups right side up, etc..

I give her the jagsfan everytime. 

Pretty sure that's a fireball offense

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

I haven't read the thread, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that has to completely re-organize the dishwasher before running.

I mean...wtf is this?  Shit's all willy nilly,  plates in diagonally, cups right side up, etc..

I give her the jagsfan everytime. 

and a cutting board directly in front of a pan actually sealing it from getting washed.

 

like, what are you thinking? are there little elves that come out with mops and shit and clean everything? wtf?

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15452

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Tylerocks said:

I haven't read the thread, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that has to completely re-organize the dishwasher before running.

I mean...wtf is this?  Shit's all willy nilly,  plates in diagonally, cups right side up, etc..

I give her the jagsfan everytime. 

But does it have a light switch?  

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1391

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Posted

We recently got a dog, I'm not a huge fan of having a dog, but whatever, kids want one.  Of course they don't help but my wife for once actually is helping.  But it led to this conversation:

Her:  Pretty crazy, I picked up about 50 pieces of poop, he's been pooping in the exact same place every time
Me: ?
Her:  Yeah, it was one big pile right behind the garage
Me:  So you think this 8 month old dog only poops in one place after 2 weeks of using the backyard?
Her:  Yeah, it's was all right in one pile.  So I put it in the trash can.
Me:  I'm trying to not laugh at you, but it's there because I picked it up and piled it together.  Just hadn't put it in the trash because tomorrow is trash day and I don't want it stinking up the garage in the meantime.

Seriously, she thought a dog kept piling up it's shit a foot high and a foot wide.  She also dumped it straight in the can we only put bags in instead of putting it in a bag and tossing it in.  So after the trash guy came it still had like 10 turds in there, that was lovely to find out after the fact

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28930

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, uoftorange said:

We recently got a dog, I'm not a huge fan of having a dog, but whatever, kids want one.  Of course they don't help but my wife for once actually is helping.  But it led to this conversation:

Her:  Pretty crazy, I picked up about 50 pieces of poop, he's been pooping in the exact same place every time
Me: ?
Her:  Yeah, it was one big pile right behind the garage
Me:  So you think this 8 month old dog only poops in one place after 2 weeks of using the backyard?
Her:  Yeah, it's was all right in one pile.  So I put it in the trash can.
Me:  I'm trying to not laugh at you, but it's there because I picked it up and piled it together.  Just hadn't put it in the trash because tomorrow is trash day and I don't want it stinking up the garage in the meantime.

Seriously, she thought a dog kept piling up it's shit a foot high and a foot wide.  She also dumped it straight in the can we only put bags in instead of putting it in a bag and tossing it in.  So after the trash guy came it still had like 10 turds in there, that was lovely to find out after the fact

Any chance she cleaned the leftover dog shit out of the trash can?

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After irth

After irth 1246

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 10/30/2018 at 10:53 AM, HOOKEM4 said:

This guy could have fucked his girlfriend but instead he was standing around eating captain crunch. 

For the record, it was Life. 

And yeah...was completely hammered. Whiskey-dick probably wouldn’t have cooperated anyway.  

Sorry for partying!

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campcrunk

campcrunk 2551

Posted
Posted

"How do I press 'control-a' on my phone?"

"Uh, you don't. You just do 'select all.'"

"No, the directions say to press 'control-a' so that's what you have to do. I want to follow the directions. You never follow the directions."

Me, quickly realizing that I'm fighting a losing battle: "OK, I've pressed 'control-a' to make it select the whole page on your phone."

"OK, now how do you press 'control-c' on the phone? Like I said, I want to follow the directions."

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pearlandhorn

pearlandhorn 3343

Posted
Posted
24 minutes ago, campcrunk said:

"How do I press 'control-a' on my phone?"

"Uh, you don't. You just do 'select all.'"

"No, the directions say to press 'control-a' so that's what you have to do. I want to follow the directions. You never follow the directions."

Me, quickly realizing that I'm fighting a losing battle: "OK, I've pressed 'control-a' to make it select the whole page on your phone."

"OK, now how do you press 'control-c' on the phone? Like I said, I want to follow the directions."

476.gif

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18963

Posted
Posted

I'm sitting down in the living room shooting the shit with my 13 year old son who is in the chair next to me. My wife tells him to get up so she can sit where he is and talk to me. My son tells her that he isn't giving up his seat and says that he is just like Rosa Parks. My wife then chimes in that they arrested Rosa Parks for prostitution. My son and I both look at her like WTF? He tells her no, she got arrested for not giving up her seat on the bus to a white person. My wife then insists that the story of her not giving up her seat is accurate, but when they pulled her off of the bus they arrested her for prostitution. 

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campcrunk

campcrunk 2551

Posted
Posted
29 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Is she smoking hot? I hope for your sake she's smoking hot.

She is - no pics, you fucking degenerates. Highest honors at UT, too. She just doesn't "do" technology.  She also throws a fit whenever I try to teach her anything, so I gave up years ago.

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I'm sitting down in the living room shooting the shit with my 13 year old son who is in the chair next to me. My wife tells him to get up so she can sit where he is and talk to me. My son tells her that he isn't giving up his seat and says that he is just like Rosa Parks. My wife then chimes in that they arrested Rosa Parks for prostitution. My son and I both look at her like WTF? He tells her no, she got arrested for not giving up her seat on the bus to a white person. My wife then insists that the story of her not giving up her seat is accurate, but when they pulled her off of the bus they arrested her for prostitution. 

she is getting her story all mixed up with the one where jesus washes rosa park's feet.

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 22304

Posted
Posted
48 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I'm sitting down in the living room shooting the shit with my 13 year old son who is in the chair next to me. My wife tells him to get up so she can sit where he is and talk to me. My son tells her that he isn't giving up his seat and says that he is just like Rosa Parks. My wife then chimes in that they arrested Rosa Parks for prostitution. My son and I both look at her like WTF? He tells her no, she got arrested for not giving up her seat on the bus to a white person. My wife then insists that the story of her not giving up her seat is accurate, but when they pulled her off of the bus they arrested her for prostitution. 

Everyone knows that prostitutes have to give up their seat on the bus.

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Armybrat

Armybrat 41410

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Posted (edited)

Don’t know whether to laugh or cry, we drove down from Round Rock to San Antonio yesterday to check into a hotel to attend the wife's cousin’s funeral in  nearby Boerne this morning.
Anyway, after a blah hotel breakfast and while getting ready to leave for said shuffleoff services, Mrs. Brat checked her phone again for the church address and she discovered that the funeral is actually scheduled for NEXT Friday!

fml

Edited by Armybrat
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