Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[retread 2951]

1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I'm sitting down in the living room shooting the shit with my 13 year old son who is in the chair next to me. My wife tells him to get up so she can sit where he is and talk to me. My son tells her that he isn't giving up his seat and says that he is just like Rosa Parks. My wife then chimes in that they arrested Rosa Parks for prostitution. My son and I both look at her like WTF? He tells her no, she got arrested for not giving up her seat on the bus to a white person. My wife then insists that the story of her not giving up her seat is accurate, but when they pulled her off of the bus they arrested her for prostitution. 

We need a new Things I Found... thread if it hasn't already been started.

[Pato del Muerto 53510]

10 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Don’t know whether to laugh or cry, we drove down from Round Rock to San Antonio yesterday to check into a hotel to attend the wife's cousin’s funeral in  nearby Boerne this morning.
Anyway, after a blah hotel breakfast and while getting ready to leave for said shuffleoff services, Mrs. Brat checked her phone again for the church address and she discovered that the funeral is actually scheduled for NEXT Friday!

fml

I get the feeling that your life at this juncture is one long road trip from funeral to funeral.  Wonder whose you have missed to be in boerne a week early. 

 

But you you know what they say...the early boerne gets the worm food. 

Edited November 2, 2018 by Pato del Muerto

[Armybrat 41412]

No kidding - our friends & relatives are dropping like flies. Seems like most of our social gatherings are at post mortem receptions. At least I know there is one that I won't be around to attend.

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

Mitch brings this thread to 11 every time.

[WhatTheBuck 28930]

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Everyone knows that prostitutes have to give up their seat on the bus.

That's true everywhere as long as you're willing to pay the price. 

[miguelito 11505]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Don’t know whether to laugh or cry, we drove down from Round Rock to San Antonio yesterday to check into a hotel to attend the wife's cousin’s funeral in  nearby Boerne this morning.
Anyway, after a blah hotel breakfast and while getting ready to leave for said shuffleoff services, Mrs. Brat checked her phone again for the church address and she discovered that the funeral is actually scheduled for NEXT Friday!

fml

Might as well head on over to the Dodging Duck for a few beers before you leave.

[Chopper 17432]

Has this one come up in this thread yet?

"Honey there's a show on Netflix I want to see. Will you record it for me?"

[Hugh G. Rection 156]

Don’t know whether to laugh or cry, we drove down from Round Rock to San Antonio yesterday to check into a hotel to attend the wife's cousin’s funeral in  nearby Boerne this morning.
Anyway, after a blah hotel breakfast and while getting ready to leave for said shuffleoff services, Mrs. Brat checked her phone again for the church address and she discovered that the funeral is actually scheduled for NEXT Friday!
fml

That body gone be ripe

[Armybrat 41412]

He was lit.

[BearSchlong 8244]

I'm officially eligible to contribute to this thread now as of 5:30 yesterday evening.

Other than her and her ride or die gals getting blitzed at the reception and doing normal drunk things there's nothing to report as of yet.

[ernest_t_bass 1196]

48 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm officially eligible to contribute to this thread now as of 5:30 yesterday evening.

Other than her and her ride or die gals getting blitzed at the reception and doing normal drunk things there's nothing to report as of yet.

Congrats or condolences? 

[tbone_ 14450]

You married a biker chick?

[HornOnTheBayou 9064]

Not sure which one is appropriate, so I'll just post both

 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8984]

I'm officially eligible to contribute to this thread now as of 5:30 yesterday evening.

Other than her and her ride or die gals getting blitzed at the reception and doing normal drunk things there's nothing to report as of yet.

She banged your best man?

[Anastasis 23721]

“Why do we have a data cap on our cell plan. Isn’t there like unlimited amounts of data in the world.”

 

i almost wanted to pull that Chinese bus driver move off the Mansfield dam bridge but had the kids in the car. 

[G650 14438]

12 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I'm officially eligible to contribute to this thread now as of 5:30 yesterday evening.

Other than her and her ride or die gals getting blitzed at the reception and doing normal drunk things there's nothing to report as of yet.

 

[Brisketexan 106905]

Do you realize that its possible to plug any USB cord into the power bank?

Late getting back to this...but that’s not the case on this one. It’s all pretty, and the outgoing cord is attached. There is no USB slot. Just the small charging slot, and the built-in outgoing charger. It’s a stupid - but pretty! - design.

[DaysOff 8210]

“Why do we have a data cap on our cell plan. Isn’t there like unlimited amounts of data in the world.”
 
i almost wanted to pull that Chinese bus driver move off the Mansfield dam bridge but had the kids in the car. 

There's a commercial I actually like where dude1 says, "No job, no family, just walk away. That's my number one fantasy." Dude2, "Number one fantasy pick."

This made me think of that, so thanks.

[El Diablo 4232]

1 hour ago, Anastasis said:

“Why do we have a data cap on our cell plan. Isn’t there like unlimited amounts of data in the world.”

 

i almost wanted to pull that Chinese bus driver move off the Mansfield dam bridge but had the kids in the car. 

The slant route.

[Hate 20249]

1 hour ago, DaysOff said:

There's a commercial I actually like where dude1 says, "No job, no family, just walk away. That's my number one fantasy." Dude2, "Number one fantasy pick."

This made me think of that, so thanks.

My wife does not appreciate it when I laugh out loud at that commercial.  

[Incredulity 11876]

2 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Late getting back to this...but that’s not the case on this one. It’s all pretty, and the outgoing cord is attached. There is no USB slot. Just the small charging slot, and the built-in outgoing charger. It’s a stupid - but pretty! - design.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

Typhoon Mary's husband does a lot of international traveling for work. He was somewhere in Asia the last week or so. She and him have been fighting really badly for months but especially while he's gone, with her sending some pretty nasty emails to him. He's supposed to be home Friday evening. About 2:45am she texts my wife saying he never came home and she's starting to freak. He's not returning texts, emails, calls, anything. She thinks he flew home and then decided to go off the grid. Like he just couldn't take her and the fighting anymore and said fuck it, I'm out. Or perhaps he got kidnapped or abducted overseas? She, of course, has no idea where he is flying in from or what airline so she can't really check to see if his flight was canceled. Morning rolls around, no hubby. Lunch time, no word. She starts freaking out even worse. Calling his parents, getting everybody in an uproar. She's waiting until some arbitrary time on Saturday before she calls the cops to put out a missing persons report. Then Saturday night, out of nowhere, dude shows up. Typhoon Mary had the day wrong the whole time.

[tbone_ 14450]

I saw that coming after the 4th sentence of your post. Outstanding.

 

[EE2B 1569]

I can’t wait until he divorces her ass and she moves in with Mitch. We will have all kinds of epic stories.

[BearSchlong 8244]

There's a commercial I actually like where dude1 says, "No job, no family, just walk away. That's my number one fantasy." Dude2, "Number one fantasy pick."

This made me think of that, so thanks.

that's a dark commercial, with the existential question deliberately engineered by he creators. I wonder how many guys saw that and just mentally snapped?

[BearSchlong 8244]

So Mitch, about those emails is he the asshole or is she?

[elfenix 34752]

5 hours ago, Anastasis said:

“Why do we have a data cap on our cell plan. Isn’t there like unlimited amounts of data in the world.”

 

i almost wanted to pull that Chinese bus driver move off the Mansfield dam bridge but had the kids in the car. 

wait, are you talking about a hard cap on a data bucket (10 GB of data to share!) or are you talking about the soft cap on an unlimited plan (27 GB at LTE then we may throttle if there's congestion)?  because if the former, that's on you.  no excuse not to be on unlimited these days.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

2 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

So Mitch, about those emails is he the asshole or is she?

At this point, they have both become so toxic to each other that they must share blame. There is so much anger and resentment built up on both sides that they fight all the time and act terribly towards each other. But she is the root cause of it all, unequivocally. She has virtually no redeeming qualities whatsoever and he's been putting up with her ridiculous bullshit for years. His biggest fault is that he's let her drive him crazy. He should have left her years ago. The whole time he was MIA, I was thinking, "Holy shit, you magnificent bastard. You finally had the balls to get the fuck out and leave." I was so happy for him.

The big email fight is about her not wanting to go visit his parents for Thanksgiving. And oh yeah, his father is supposedly dying of cancer and doesn't have much longer to live. There's more to it than that but suffice it to say that she is an awful human being.

And she will never stay at my house under any circumstances for anything longer than one night in a pinch. If her options are sleeping under the interstate bridge or my couch, I hope she learns to block out the traffic noise.

[OrangEngr 1035]

Nothing makes me click on this thread more than seeing mitch’s Avatar as the latest post

[MNLonghornFUKM 8984]

If you had to rate typhoon Mary's hotness on a 1-10 scale. What is she?

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

Back in the day, she was by any objective measure, a very pretty girl. Nowadays she's carrying a lot of bad weight and looks very unhealthy. Maybe a 4? Or on the rare occasion that she cleans herself up, a 5? She's so unattractive to me as a human being that it skews my rating. I wouldn't fuck her with Vic Mackey's dick.

[Johnny Sack 8397]

50 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

At this point, they have both become so toxic to each other that they must share blame. There is so much anger and resentment built up on both sides that they fight all the time and act terribly towards each other. But she is the root cause of it all, unequivocally. She has virtually no redeeming qualities whatsoever and he's been putting up with her ridiculous bullshit for years. His biggest fault is that he's let her drive him crazy. He should have left her years ago. The whole time he was MIA, I was thinking, "Holy shit, you magnificent bastard. You finally had the balls to get the fuck out and leave." I was so happy for him.

The big email fight is about her not wanting to go visit his parents for Thanksgiving. And oh yeah, his father is supposedly dying of cancer and doesn't have much longer to live. There's more to it than that but suffice it to say that she is an awful human being.

And she will never stay at my house under any circumstances for anything longer than one night in a pinch. If her options are sleeping under the interstate bridge or my couch, I hope she learns to block out the traffic noise.

You heartless bastard.  She’s family.  You have a moral obligation to help.  Here:

[HenryJames 67372]

On 11/2/2018 at 10:55 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I'm sitting down in the living room shooting the shit with my 13 year old son who is in the chair next to me. My wife tells him to get up so she can sit where he is and talk to me. My son tells her that he isn't giving up his seat and says that he is just like Rosa Parks. My wife then chimes in that they arrested Rosa Parks for prostitution. My son and I both look at her like WTF? He tells her no, she got arrested for not giving up her seat on the bus to a white person. My wife then insists that the story of her not giving up her seat is accurate, but when they pulled her off of the bus they arrested her for prostitution. 

Oh turning Trixie!

[Modessit 5667]

Pissing off your husband while he's in the land of cheap hookers. Great idea.

[BearSchlong 8244]

4 hours ago, Modessit said:

Pissing off your husband while he's in the land of cheap hookers. Great idea.

See, Walter Cronkite and his wife had a good arrangement - when he was traveling he could fuck whoever he wanted just as long as news of it never made it back to his wife.  If his biography is accurate, then he had a great thing going.

if he were alive in 2018, he'd have been #metoo'd.

[txhorns 2421]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

See, Walter Cronkite and his wife had a good arrangement - when he was traveling he could fuck whoever he wanted just as long as news of it never made it back to his wife.  If his biography is accurate, then he had a great thing going.

if he were alive in 2018, he'd have been #metoo'd.

I have that same deal in place, my wife just doesn't know about it.

[You don't know me 1163]

On 11/5/2018 at 11:30 AM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

She thinks he flew home and then decided to go off the grid. Like he just couldn't take her and the fighting anymore and said fuck it, I'm out.

Or perhaps he got kidnapped or abducted overseas?

I'm guessing that either one of those scenarios would have been acceptable to Typhoon Mary's husband?

[mulletpelini 5225]

On 11/5/2018 at 3:53 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Back in the day, she was by any objective measure, a very pretty girl. Nowadays she's carrying a lot of bad weight and looks very unhealthy. Maybe a 4? Or on the rare occasion that she cleans herself up, a 5? She's so unattractive to me as a human being that it skews my rating. I wouldn't fuck her with Vic Mackey's dick.

But Vic would though, right?

[Fudge Nuggets 19455]

On 11/2/2018 at 5:15 PM, campcrunk said:

She also throws a fit whenever I try to teach her anything, so I gave up years ago.

You married an Irish Setter.

[Fudge Nuggets 19455]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:28 PM, Armybrat said:

No kidding - our friends & relatives are dropping like flies. Seems like most of our social gatherings are at post mortem receptions. At least I know there is one that I won't be around to attend.

The wife's?

[Dennis Taylor 19360]

20 hours ago, txhorns said:

I have that same deal in place, my wife just doesn't know about it.

Don't take the early flight home from San Diego...    

[WashHorn 128]

Wife dropped her phone yesterday and cracked the screen. Today she got the screen replaced and, to show me that the replacement worked, she sent a screenshot. 

She immediately realized her mistake, but still. Goddamn.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22304]

29 minutes ago, WashHorn said:

Wife dropped her phone yesterday and cracked the screen. Today she got the screen replaced and, to show me that the replacement worked, she sent a screenshot. 

She immediately realized her mistake, but still. Goddamn.

Yeah, a screenshot won't work for that, you have to actually take a picture of the screen with the phone.

[HoustonHorn 1064]

Yeah, a screenshot won't work for that, you have to actually take a picture of the screen with the phone.

You seem like a wife

[Incredulity 11876]

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Yeah, a screenshot won't work for that, you have to actually take a picture of the screen with the phone.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22304]

I think some of y'all need to have your sarcasm meter adjusted

[VolenteHawk 495]

37 minutes ago, HoustonHorn said:

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Yeah, a screenshot won't work for that, you have to actually take a picture of the screen with the phone.

You seem like a wife

[Trey3216 15452]

47 minutes ago, HoustonHorn said:

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Yeah, a screenshot won't work for that, you have to actually take a picture of the screen with the phone.

You seem like a wife

He seems like the antithetical object of his handle  

Edited November 7, 2018 by Trey3216

[Kwix 2497]

Not my wife, but my sister in law got married last weekend. They were scheduled to fly to Hong Kong for their honeymoon on Tuesday morning. <background - SIL is always late to every single thing> So they are running late to the airport, and her husband drops her off to go to the gate while he returns the rental car. Turns out he couldn't get to the gate in time, so what does she do? She gets on the plane and flies to Hong Kong without her new husband. 

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

I like the cut of her jib.