Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Telegraph_it 3,354]

1 minute ago, Kwix said:

Not my wife, but my sister in law got married last weekend. They were scheduled to fly to Hong Kong for their honeymoon on Tuesday morning. <background - SIL is always late to every single thing> So they are running late to the airport, and her husband drops her off to go to the gate while he returns the rental car. Turns out he couldn't get to the gate in time, so what does she do? She gets on the plane and flies to Hong Kong without her new husband. 

This is amazing. Sounds like a win for him. I can't stand traveling on long haul flights with my wife. She wants to talk the entire time while I need to catch up on the four movies I have been needing to see but didn't have time for until I am in a metal tube for 10 hours. 

[SilasCoade 2,620]

12 minutes ago, Kwix said:

Not my wife, but my sister in law got married last weekend. They were scheduled to fly to Hong Kong for their honeymoon on Tuesday morning. <background - SIL is always late to every single thing> So they are running late to the airport, and her husband drops her off to go to the gate while he returns the rental car. Turns out he couldn't get to the gate in time, so what does she do? She gets on the plane and flies to Hong Kong without her new husband. 

incredible

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

Sounds like he had the perfect honeymoon, home alone.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

7 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Sounds like he had the perfect honeymoon, home alone.

Bridesmaids on speed dial.

[Pokoloco 1,269]

Daughter came home from school, laid in bed watching Netflix until dinner..

Wife: What were you watching?

Daughter: I'm rewatching the Vampire Diaries, its soo good.

Wife: I heard Kelsie (daughters pom coach) talking about that. She loved it, maybe I'll like it.  Wait..It's not about Vampires though, is it?

Daughter: *spat out food*

[WhatTheBuck 28,705]

28 minutes ago, Pokoloco said:

Daughter came home from school, laid in bed watching Netflix until dinner..

Wife: What were you watching?

Daughter: I'm rewatching the Vampire Diaries, its soo good.

Wife: I heard Kelsie (daughters pom coach) talking about that. She loved it, maybe I'll like it.  Wait..It's not about Vampires though, is it?

Daughter: *spat out food*

Who did your daughter lay?

[Pokoloco 1,269]

1 minute ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Who did your daughter lay?

for fucks sake man

[WhatTheBuck 28,705]

4 minutes ago, Pokoloco said:

for fucks sake man

Exactly. 

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

2 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

This is amazing. Sounds like a win for him. I can't stand traveling on long haul flights with my wife. She wants to talk the entire time while I need to catch up on the four movies I have been needing to see but didn't have time for until I am in a metal tube for 10 hours. 

This.  I have the uncanny ability to not be able to stay awake on an airplane.  As soon as I feel the plane rotate on our takeoff roll, I'm out.  After my 3rd deployment the then wife/now ex and I flew to Thailand for vacation.  Wheels up out of Denver and I'm out.  Woke up about 90 mins before touchdown in Tokyo for our layover/plane change.  She was piiiiiiiiiissed off. 

[tbone_ 14,020]

That’s a pretty dumb thing to be mad about.

[mulletpelini 5,209]

Well he said ex so..........

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

59 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

That’s a pretty dumb thing to be mad about.

Mosey on over to U in her B and read the "Why did you get divorced?" thread, and you'll gain some good insight into this woman.....

[Kennythetiger 9,334]

1 hour ago, Buffsoldier said:

This.  I have the uncanny ability to not be able to stay awake on an airplane.  As soon as I feel the plane rotate on our takeoff roll, I'm out.  After my 3rd deployment the then wife/now ex and I flew to Thailand for vacation.  Wheels up out of Denver and I'm out.  Woke up about 90 mins before touchdown in Tokyo for our layover/plane change.  She was piiiiiiiiiissed off. 

I've never met her, but in principle alone I am surprised she didn't wake you up to talk to you.

[Buffsoldier 1,895]

2 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

I've never met her, but in principle alone I am surprised she didn't wake you up to talk to you.

She may have.  But waking me up and getting me to stay awake on a plane are two different things.  Meaning that I wouldn't have remembered shit.

Edited November 8, 2018 by Buffsoldier

[mulletpelini 5,209]

Hell I woke up to my ex wife fucking me multiple times.....after we'd filed.

[JimmyHoffa 1,188]

4 hours ago, Telegraph_it said:

This is amazing. Sounds like a win for him. I can't stand traveling on long haul flights with my wife. She wants to talk the entire time while I need to catch up on the four movies I have been needing to see but didn't have time for until I am in a metal tube for 10 hours. 

 

Thankfully my wife likes to read or watch movies when we fly. That said she is all about having a 20 minute phone conversation about nothing 5 minutes before I am going to be home from work or when I am trying to finish up at work to leave to be home.

 

[davidg 4,025]

Hell I woke up to my ex wife fucking me multiple times.....after we'd filed.

Yep, hated it when she did that, but didn't care, got laid

[davidg 4,025]

Hell I woke up to my ex wife fucking me multiple times.....after we'd filed.

Yep, hated it when she did that, but didn't care, got laid

[Jameslaw121 4,445]

1 hour ago, JimmyHoffa said:

 

Thankfully my wife likes to read or watch movies when we fly. That said she is all about having a 20 minute phone conversation about nothing 5 minutes before I am going to be home from work or when I am trying to finish up at work to leave to be home.

 

every god damn day

[miguelito 11,216]

Yeah, I've had that conversation many times.

 

When are you leaving work?

About 10 minutes.

OK, let me talk to you for 12 minutes.

The 10 minutes start when we hang up.

[lateshow 1,304]

1 hour ago, Jameslaw121 said:

every god damn day

Yep.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,868]

26 minutes ago, miguelito said:

Yeah, I've had that conversation many times.

 

When are you leaving work?

About 10 minutes.

OK, let me talk to you for 12 minutes.

The 10 minutes start when we hang up.

'I'm walking out. Let me call you from the car in a few minutes.'  Then when it takes 10-15 minutes, 'so and so stopped on my way for a project update.'

[Jameslaw121 4,445]

1 hour ago, miguelito said:

Yeah, I've had that conversation many times.

 

When are you leaving work?

About 10 minutes.

OK, let me talk to you for 12 minutes.

The 10 minutes start when we hang up.

For me it's really bad because that last hour is usually the most busy and stressful for me. Yesterday's conversation ended with "I don't need a play by play replay of your grocery store visit right now."  Tone

[Trey3216 15,325]

35 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

For me it's really bad because that last hour is usually the most busy and stressful for me. Yesterday's conversation ended with "I don't need a play by play replay of your grocery store visit right now."  Tone

I get to hear about teacher wife’s student struggles every evening over dinner, for 30 minutes or so.   Such a beatdown.  Always talking about other teachers, by name, as if I know them.  She teaches Kinder, so some of the student stories are entertaining as hell, kids shitting in the urinal, shitting on the playground, calling the entire class assholes, etc.   but fuck, I don’t care about Sally Smith teacher lady when I have 800 shares of Amazon in client accounts and it drops 225 points on earnings day. 

[Not a cat 5,615]

6 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

Mosey on over to U in her B and read the "Why did you get divorced?" thread, and you'll gain some good insight into this woman.....

I'm intrigued to read more about ex Mrs Buff, but what the hell is U in her B?  

[Clintonaldo 2,571]

Wake up at 5 am and get in the shower. No soap or shampoo. I am tired from not sleeping much night before so my naked wet ass gets out and walks halfway down the hall. I ask her if she took them out. She responds yes and she was going to replace them. I ask why she didn’t do it after she removed the old ones. She tells me she wanted to do it in the morning. I reiterate that the best possible outcome was hearing me get up and then sprinting into the bathroom to give my soap and shampoo? She looked at me like I was crazy for thinking that's stupid. 

[Druggist 303]

Wife had a rental car for the past 2 weeks because some asshole hit her car while she was volunteering at our kids’ school (and drove off without leaving a note).  She returned the rental without checking the trunk.  She left their swim bags in there after practice last week and called me up panicky because they need them today. Hertz didn’t find (kept) them when cleaning it out and the car is gone.  Waiting to find out how this is my fault.

[blacklab 11,844]

On 11/8/2018 at 9:55 AM, Pokoloco said:

Wife: I heard Kelsie (daughters pom coach)

I really hate how much pom and porn look alike.

I was trying to figure out what a porn coach would do.

[Anastasis 23,393]

I got a few ideas. 

[Biff Tannen 45,491]

On 11/6/2018 at 11:30 AM, BearSchlong said:

if he were alive in 2018, he'd have been #metoo'd.

I read this as #metroid.  Very confused for a moment.  Samus?

[Walden Ponderer 12,639]

41 minutes ago, blacklab said:

I was trying to figure out what a porn coach would do.

Just check out the Teachers Gone Wild thread.

[markstanco 12,504]

My wife is making chili right now and got a can of beans out.

[Humpy 112]

10 minutes ago, markstanco said:

My wife is making chili right now and got a can of beans out.

This should end well

[OrangEngr 1,034]

3 hours ago, markstanco said:

My wife is making not chili right now and got a can of beans out.

Fify

[VolenteHawk 495]

You dudes that talk to your wives on the phone so much...how long have you been married? I’m coming up on 15 years and can’t remember the last time I talked to her on the phone.

[Hugh G. Rection 156]

I really hate how much pom and porn look alike.
I was trying to figure out what a porn coach would do.

Most stepmom porn can help you out.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,724]

You dudes that talk to your wives on the phone so much...how long have you been married? I’m coming up on 15 years and can’t remember the last time I talked to her on the phone.

Yeah that’s a foreign concept to me too.

[Apep 645]

2 hours ago, VolenteHawk said:

You dudes that talk to your wives on the phone so much...how long have you been married? I’m coming up on 15 years and can’t remember the last time I talked to her on the phone.

Every weekday at least once for a couple of minutes. Married for four, together for nine. While I’d prefer she text me, it has taken me years to train her to let me know when she’s leaving work. (Since I work from home and she doesn’t, coordinating when she is coming home can impact when I cook dinner.)

[bluto 4,883]

Cook dinner = shut down pornhub

[mulletpelini 5,209]

If you're on the phone with your wife and you don't want to be its your own damn fault pussy.  Unless its a fucking emergency, I expect no calls, because I stated from day one, "I don't like talking on the phone".

[Incredulity 11,559]

Well, mine has perfected the art of sending some garbled gibberish of a text and then not being able to answer the phone when I call for a translation moments later.

Which basically broke me of giving a fuck about when she texts.  Quick scan for the words hospital, kids name or emergency. If not, I will deal with it when I get home.

[Druggist 303]

With 35 seconds left in the game last night, my wife paused it so she could show her mom the pics of Ehlinger as a kid.  Then they had to look at current pics so they could see if he’s still cute (he is).  The really aggravating part is they were talking and not paying attention and had no idea it was tied until the final drive was already underway.

I sat quietly pissed off staring at the screen for 2&1/2 minutes because if I said anything it surely would have had tone.  No need to piss off my wife and mother-in-law a week before we go to Costa Rica on my inlaws’ dime.

 

[Druggist 303]

And this was probably the fourth time in the past two years she has showed her mom that pic, but the process repeats every time we watch a game with them like it never happened before.

[OrangEngr 1,034]

2 hours ago, Druggist said:

With 35 seconds left in the game last night, my wife paused it so she could show her mom the pics of Ehlinger as a kid.  Then they had to look at current pics so they could see if he’s still cute (he is).  The really aggravating part is they were talking and not paying attention and had no idea it was tied until the final drive was already underway.

I sat quietly pissed off staring at the screen for 2&1/2 minutes because if I said anything it surely would have had tone.  No need to piss off my wife and mother-in-law a week before we go to Costa Rica on my inlaws’ dime.

 

You must be Jesus. I know of no mortal who would have that much patience

[WhatTheBuck 28,705]

3 hours ago, Druggist said:

And this was probably the fourth time in the past two years she has showed her mom that pic, but the process repeats every time we watch a game with them like it never happened before.

In the future, be proactive and initiate that conversation before kickoff or at halftime. 

[cactusflinthead 27,594]

From out of nowhere the Druggist came with his tale. And it was a good tale. 

You should post more in here. I suspect you have other stories. 

My condolences. 

[Hugh G. Rection 156]

In the future, be proactive and initiate that conversation before kickoff or at halftime. 

Or have a second tv playing the game

[Dennis Taylor 18,700]

11 hours ago, Druggist said:

With 35 seconds left in the game last night, my wife paused it so she could show her mom the pics of Ehlinger as a kid.  Then they had to look at current pics so they could see if he’s still cute (he is).  The really aggravating part is they were talking and not paying attention and had no idea it was tied until the final drive was already underway.

I sat quietly pissed off staring at the screen for 2&1/2 minutes because if I said anything it surely would have had tone.  No need to piss off my wife and mother-in-law a week before we go to Costa Rica on my inlaws’ dime.

 

and she had access to the remote why, exactly...?

that's on you

[Druggist 303]

8 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

You must be Jesus. I know of no mortal who would have that much patience

I was stunned at the turn of events at first and was pretty much speechless.  Then I thought about Costa Rica and their summer cottage on the ocean in Nova Scotia.   It was an investment.  My in-laws are pretty awesome compared to the ones in the holiday thread.

[Modessit 5,596]

Print up two pics - one of Kid Ehlinger and one of Still Cute Ehlinger - and frame them and hang them on the wall. Then you never have to deal with that again during the game.