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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Brew

Brew 3044

Posted
Posted

We were at the beach this weekend south of Tampa at a hardware store named Gulf Coast something after having passed numerous other Gulf Coast something places and she asks why everything is named Gulf Coast something? I responded naturally what do you think that body of water is out there to which she responded I don’t know but I thought the Gulf Coast was the Destin area. We have been going to this island for 20 years, we own a house there, and i’m not 100% clear whether she has ever known what body of water she is in.

Also, I will gladly buy more Hunter boots if I can eliminate the purse habit. I think a Heidi Fleiss call girl habit would have cost me less.

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HenryJames

HenryJames 65868

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Another one from this morning:

Cleaning lady is coming today. I have already prepared the house. No dishes in the sink and the kitchen counters cleared. Dishwasher is running. 

Wife comes into my office and starts complaining that I am in here "watching stupid youtube videos" while she's working. 

I go into the kitchen and there are now new dishes in the sink that she's doing by hand.

"Where did these come from? I already did the dishes this morning."

"I'm doing these so Barbara won't spend the whole time doing dishes and not cleaning the house."

"But there were no dishes in the sink. Where did these come from?"

"I cleaned out the refrigerator. Quit bitching and help me."

"Since when did the cleaning lady start cleaning out the refrigerator?"

Tone. 

 

 

 But you were watching stupid YouTube videos, right?

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, BrazilHorn said:

We are having some friends over Sat morning for the game and wife is looking to double a recipe which calls for 1/3 cup of something.

She looks at me and says "How much is two thirds? is that the same as one half?"

As I look at her like WTF? She then says "Is it one fourth?"

Yep. That happened

Help her by relating it to something she will understand.

"Honey, remember when we first met and you would blow me all the time? Consider how much you blow me now, that would be about one forth."  

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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

Posted
Posted
We are having some friends over Sat morning for the game and wife is looking to double a recipe which calls for 1/3 cup of something.
She looks at me and says "How much is two thirds? is that the same as one half?"
As I look at her like WTF? She then says "Is it one fourth?"
Yep. That happened


The other day I overheard my wife tell my daughter (who is in the high school culinary program), that there are 5 teaspoons in a tablespoon. My daughter started laughing at her. It explains a lot of my wife’s cooking errors through the years.

And no pics assholes.
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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

Posted
Posted

4:50-

Mrs. Hoffa- when are you leaving

Me- Hopefully in the next half hour but I have 11 emails and 3 voicemails to return 

Mrs. Hoffa- OK I will see you when you get home, sorry that you are so busy

Me- sounds good, thanks

5:13-

phone rings-

Me- Hello?

Mrs. Hoffa- just wanted to tell you blah blah blah about my day at work

Me- Nice

Mrs. Hoffa- Ok well I am here to pick up the kids

Me- Sounds good, see you when I get home

 

Seriously why the fuck do they do this? That story couldn't wait until I got home and she knows I have shit to do like return emails, phone calls, and post on the wives and stupid shit they do thread.

 

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Kwix

Kwix 2186

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, JimmyHoffa said:

4:50-

Mrs. Hoffa- when are you leaving

Me- Hopefully in the next half hour but I have 11 emails and 3 voicemails to return 

Mrs. Hoffa- OK I will see you when you get home, sorry that you are so busy

Me- sounds good, thanks

5:13-

phone rings-

Me- Hello?

Mrs. Hoffa- just wanted to tell you blah blah blah about my day at work

Me- Nice

Mrs. Hoffa- Ok well I am here to pick up the kids

Me- Sounds good, see you when I get home

 

Seriously why the fuck do they do this? That story couldn't wait until I got home and she knows I have shit to do like return emails, phone calls, and post on the wives and stupid shit they do thread.

 

She's bored and wants you to entertain her while she's driving. 

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52-80

52-80 19066

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Posted

I got home at 10pm after some post-work drinks. Found her asleep on the couch.  She said she's had a tough  work week (true) and dozed off as soon as she got in.

At 1230 midnight she picks up a 2nd wind and decides she wants to go out and clean the front yard including caring for the water filter for the turtle pond.

 

It's fucking snowing, and THE coldest day this season.  I'm wearing pajamas tucked under the blanket.  She calls for me to bring the filter contraption to the basement.  It's got about 5kg of half frozen liquid inside, and entangled in a mess of wires and piping.  I'm half asleep and literally freezing.  Now she's seething and upset I wasn't committed and helping her fast enough......

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52-80

52-80 19066

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

 


The other day I overheard my wife tell my daughter (who is in the high school culinary program), that there are 5 teaspoons in a tablespoon. My daughter started laughing at her. It explains a lot of my wife’s cooking errors through the years.

And no pics assholes.

Can't blame her, spoons are a stupid measure of Quantity

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tbone_

tbone_ 14020

Posted
Posted
I got home at 10pm after some post-work drinks. Found her asleep on the couch.  She said she's had a tough  work week (true) and dozed off as soon as she got in.
At 1230 midnight she picks up a 2nd wind and decides she wants to go out and clean the front yard including caring for the water filter for the turtle pond.
 
It's fucking snowing, and THE coldest day this season.  I'm wearing pajamas tucked under the blanket.  She calls for me to bring the filter contraption to the basement.  It's got about 5kg of half frozen liquid inside, and entangled in a mess of wires and piping.  I'm half asleep and literally freezing.  Now she's seething and upset I wasn't committed and helping her fast enough......

Lol
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luke duke

luke duke 6379

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, 52-80 said:

I got home at 10pm after some post-work drinks. Found her asleep on the couch.  She said she's had a tough  work week (true) and dozed off as soon as she got in.

At 1230 midnight she picks up a 2nd wind and decides she wants to go out and clean the front yard including caring for the water filter for the turtle pond.

 

It's fucking snowing, and THE coldest day this season.  I'm wearing pajamas tucked under the blanket.  She calls for me to bring the filter contraption to the basement.  It's got about 5kg of half frozen liquid inside, and entangled in a mess of wires and piping.  I'm half asleep and literally freezing.  Now she's seething and upset I wasn't committed and helping her fast enough......

 

2 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Can't blame her, spoons are a stupid measure of Quantity

You talk funny and your shits all retarded.

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10085

Posted
Posted
Not complaining about the cleaning, we appreciate it. We're complaining about the drama associated with cleaning. Imagine if every time we cut the grass, we acted like we just completed an Iron Man race...
Real drama is when she pulls a Mack Brown and tells you hard she worked cleaning the kitchen. Yet, you still see grease on the back splash, dirt on the floor and that spider web in the corner.

Yeah, great job, Mack.
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General Specific

General Specific 3226

Posted
Posted

So, after many years, I can finally contribute to Surly. We have had an automatic coffee machine for like 15 plus years. Side note, it’s been one of the best damn investment I have ever made, cutting out Starbucks.

 

Mrs. GS: would you like some coffee?

GS: yes dear

 

Moments later…

 

Mrs. GS: honey, we are out of beans.

GS: ok then, well use your “special blend” and use the single serve button. You know the one for ground coffee?

Mrs. GS: yes, yes I know.

 

Moments later….

 

GS: what the #@%* is this?

Mrs. GS: it’s the Christmas blend, why? Did I make it too strong?

GS: no dear, this is tea! How did you make this?

Mrs. GS: I put the coffee (ground coffee) where you put the beans and selected the single server button like you said. Why?

GS: face-palm!

GS: you go and get the coffee from the store while I clean up your mess. Oh, and you just made Surly!!!

Mrs. GS: Tone

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 5928

Posted
Posted

Made the mistake of going with my wife to Target today.  Since we've been here, I've...

Done my own shopping.

Walked down the street and bought some shoes and a razor.

Went back to the truck and surfed Surly.

Went back in a bought something else.

And now I'm in Starbucks drinking a coffee, and I hate Starbucks.

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, General Specific said:

So, after many years, I can finally contribute to Surly. We have had an automatic coffee machine for like 15 plus years. Side note, it’s been one of the best damn investment I have ever made, cutting out Starbucks.

 

Mrs. GS: would you like some coffee?

GS: yes dear

 

Moments later…

 

Mrs. GS: honey, we are out of beans.

GS: ok then, well use your “special blend” and use the single serve button. You know the one for ground coffee?

Mrs. GS: yes, yes I know.

 

Moments later….

 

GS: what the #@%* is this?

Mrs. GS: it’s the Christmas blend, why? Did I make it too strong?

GS: no dear, this is tea! How did you make this?

Mrs. GS: I put the coffee (ground coffee) where you put the beans and selected the single server button like you said. Why?

GS: face-palm!

GS: you go and get the coffee from the store while I clean up your mess. Oh, and you just made Surly!!!

Mrs. GS: Tone

You know.... the way you tell a story...

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deadshank

deadshank 24651

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Made the mistake of going with my wife to Target today.  Since we've been here, I've...

Done my own shopping.

Walked down the street and bought some shoes and a razor.

Went back to the truck and surfed Surly.

Went back in a bought something else.

And now I'm in Starbucks drinking a coffee, and I hate Starbucks.

Joke is on you.  She's banging the manager at Chess King. 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28700

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, General Specific said:

So, after many years, I can finally contribute to Surly. We have had an automatic coffee machine for like 15 plus years. Side note, it’s been one of the best damn investment I have ever made, cutting out Starbucks.

 

Mrs. GS: would you like some coffee?

GS: yes dear

 

Moments later…

 

Mrs. GS: honey, we are out of beans.

GS: ok then, well use your “special blend” and use the single serve button. You know the one for ground coffee?

Mrs. GS: yes, yes I know.

 

Moments later….

 

GS: what the #@%* is this?

Mrs. GS: it’s the Christmas blend, why? Did I make it too strong?

GS: no dear, this is tea! How did you make this?

Mrs. GS: I put the coffee (ground coffee) where you put the beans and selected the single server button like you said. Why?

GS: face-palm!

GS: you go and get the coffee from the store while I clean up your mess. Oh, and you just made Surly!!!

Mrs. GS: Tone

Could you be more specific?

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

Posted
Posted (edited)

Defeated it. We started unloading storage pods to move into the new house last night...she has these aged, broken, spring popped, heavy, awkward to lift, red, ugly old ass couches that she bought on her own before I met her.. she wanted me and my BIL to carry to the unfinished basement that has stairs with a hair pin turn so tough to maneuver furniture thats actually worth something. anyways she wanted the couches down there so its a place to sit when we have tornadoes.

 

our city hasnt seen a tornado do any damage or kill anyone since 1957. Yea we get warnings/tornadoes out in fields miles from here but nothing like tornado alley.

 

anyways, after about 5 min of back and forth banter...we're bringing the couches to the dump and ill bring down lawn chairs if we need a place to sit out an F5.

Edited by MNLonghornFUKM
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Al_4_ISU

Al_4_ISU 12408

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Made the mistake of going with my wife to Target today.  Since we've been here, I've...

Done my own shopping.

Walked down the street and bought some shoes and a razor.

Went back to the truck and surfed Surly.

Went back in a bought something else.

And now I'm in Starbucks drinking a coffee, and I hate Starbucks.

Your wife must also subscribe to the theory that one cannot enter a store without investigating every possible aisle, in case there's some item that they had no idea that they needed in said store.

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 5928

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Your wife must also subscribe to the theory that one cannot enter a store without investigating every possible aisle, in case there's some item that they had no idea that they needed in said store.

She did save us $97 on $400 in purchases - gift cards for teachers, food, etc.  She's actually pretty good at both saving money AND not buying stupid crap nobody needs.

She absolutely has no concept of the idea that "time is money".

Edited by Knoxtnhorn
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elfenix

elfenix 34168

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Defeated it. We started unloading storage pods to move into the new house last night...she has these aged, broken, spring popped, heavy, awkward to lift, red, ugly old ass couches that she bought on her own before I met her.. she wanted me and my BIL to carry to the unfinished basement that has stairs with a hair pin turn so tough to maneuver furniture thats actually worth something. anyways she wanted the couches down there so its a place to sit when we have tornadoes.

 

our city hasnt seen a tornado do any damage or kill anyone since 1957. Yea we get warnings/tornadoes out in fields miles from here but nothing like tornado alley.

 

anyways, after about 5 min of back and forth banter...we're bringing the couches to the dump and ill bring down lawn chairs if we need a place to sit out an F5.

you think you won?  she filed away that you threw out her favorite red couch.  27 years from now you'll be on a beach in tahiti and she'll be in a huff about *something* and she'll whip this out like it happened yesterday.

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