Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[GSU&UT 1799]

23 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

At the Big 12 championship game Saturday with buddies and wife texts me with approximately 5 minutes to go in 2nd half.  She was supposed to be going to a volunteer deal from 12:30-2 and we had a babysitter lined up that canceled last minute.

"Can you leave and get home for 1?"

 

That would have been a smart move though, she just didn't know it at the time.

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

She absolutely has no concept of the idea that "time is money".

You drove around for 6 hours to save 5 bucks and you had to stop and get a coffee that cost 6 bucks and burned 20 bucks worth of gas.

Thanks?

[Ldogg53 514]

you think you won?  she filed away that you threw out her favorite red couch.  27 years from now you'll be on a beach in tahiti and she'll be in a huff about *something* and she'll whip this out like it happened yesterday.

Then she’ll fuck the bartender at the pool bar.

[VolenteHawk 495]

2 hours ago, elfenix said:

you think you won?  she filed away that you threw out her favorite red couch.  27 years from now you'll be on a beach in tahiti and she'll be in a huff about *something* and she'll whip this out like it happened yesterday.

Shouldn't I have moved on to my trophy wife way before then?

 

[Knoxtnhorn 6308]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

You drove around for 6 hours to save 5 bucks and you had to stop and get a coffee that cost 6 bucks and burned 20 bucks worth of gas.

Thanks?

I had a $30 gift card from last X-Mas.  That was prob the 2nd time I've ever been in Starbuck's.  Didn't drive anywhere.  Walked to pass time.

[Angry Gorilla 1771]

Someone told my wife about some documentary about 3 identical triplets that were adopted out to different families and never knew the other existed...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Identical_Strangers

She mentioned at dinner last night she really wanted to see it.  After getting in bed and turning the TV on, I rent the movie and start watching.  We don't make it through the opening credits before she says she is too tired and can't stay awake for the movie and to save it.  I turn it off and find some movie called Searching...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Searching_(film)

which is about a single dad (Asian guy from American Pie) looking for his missing daughter by going through her social media.  She ends up staying up and watching most of the movie.

She texts me this morning asking if we can finish the documentary from last night because she really liked it.  I responded asking her if she understood that the movie wasn't a documentary.  She hasn't responded yet.

[LonghornJones 838]

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2779]

She's on the Googler for answers. 

[Js1 87183]

1 hour ago, Angry Gorilla said:

Someone told my wife about some documentary about 3 identical triplets that were adopted out to different families and never knew the other existed...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Identical_Strangers

She mentioned at dinner last night she really wanted to see it.  After getting in bed and turning the TV on, I rent the movie and start watching.  We don't make it through the opening credits before she says she is too tired and can't stay awake for the movie and to save it.  I turn it off and find some movie called Searching...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Searching_(film)

which is about a single dad (Asian guy from American Pie) looking for his missing daughter by going through her social media.  She ends up staying up and watching most of the movie.

She texts me this morning asking if we can finish the documentary from last night because she really liked it.  I responded asking her if she understood that the movie wasn't a documentary.  She hasn't responded yet.

[Beau Vine 55867]

1 hour ago, Angry Gorilla said:

Someone told my wife about some documentary about 3 identical triplets that were adopted out to different families and never knew the other existed...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Identical_Strangers

She mentioned at dinner last night she really wanted to see it.  After getting in bed and turning the TV on, I rent the movie and start watching.  We don't make it through the opening credits before she says she is too tired and can't stay awake for the movie and to save it.  I turn it off and find some movie called Searching...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Searching_(film)

which is about a single dad (Asian guy from American Pie) looking for his missing daughter by going through her social media.  She ends up staying up and watching most of the movie.

She texts me this morning asking if we can finish the documentary from last night because she really liked it.  I responded asking her if she understood that the movie wasn't a documentary.  She hasn't responded yet.

This one is perfect in its simplicity.  

I have had way too many of these kinds of episodes, which is why I moved the TV out of our bedroom.  

[Thatguy 9366]

On 11/27/2018 at 5:50 PM, luke duke said:

  My wide gets in the car when it's cold and cranks the heat up. I tried to explain how the heater works but.......

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3873]

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

  My wife gets in the car when it's cold and cranks the heat up. I tried to explain how the heater works but.......

The perplexities of women and thermostats was on the first page of the old site.  

[achooloco 1086]

7 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

  My wide gets in the car when it's cold and cranks the heat up. I tried to explain how the heater works but.......

 

 

8 minutes ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

My wife gets in the car when it's cold and cranks the heat up. I tried to explain how the heater works but.......

?

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4999]

She probably had the defrost on (usually runs the AC to dehumidify the air blowing on the windshield to clear the condensation quicker) and then changed it, and some engineer somewhere didn't understand that that was a thing people would do, so it stayed on.

[Thatguy 9366]

10 hours ago, achooloco said:

 

?

   They don't understand the heater is a function of the engine coolant. So when you first start up a car that is cold it's pointless to crank up the heat and put your hands in front of the vents until the vehicle itself warms up.....

[achooloco 1086]

8 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

   They don't understand the heater is a function of the engine coolant. So when you first start up a car that is cold it's pointless to crank up the heat and put your hands in front of the vents until the vehicle itself warms up.....

No, no I got that was just wondering how your current post says wide (pun maybe?!) and the quoted post says wife. At least it does on my comp/phone...

[Thatguy 9366]

On 12/2/2018 at 1:57 PM, Knoxtnhorn said:

Made the mistake of going with my wife to Target today.  Since we've been here, I've...

Done my own shopping.

Walked down the street and bought some shoes and a razor.

Went back to the truck and surfed Surly.

Went back in a bought something else.

And now I'm in Starbucks drinking a coffee, and I hate Starbucks.

  I refuse to go shopping with my wife. Not only do I know I will get frustrated by the amount of shit that we buy, but the amount of time we spend in the store will have me ready to strangle someone. She has to go up and down every isle and touch every. damn. thing.

Lastly, the phrase "I saved _______ dollars" one some shit we don't need is literally the most infuriating thing you could possibly say to me.

[Thatguy 9366]

1 minute ago, achooloco said:

No, no I got that was just wondering how your current post says wide (pun maybe?!) and the quoted post says wife. At least it does on my comp/phone...

Lol... Shaggybevo must've fixed it for me.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4999]

[Thatguy 9366]

On 11/28/2018 at 2:38 PM, Al_4_ISU said:

Jesus Christ yes.  My wife has to clean some part of our house every night, regardless of whether or not it needs to be cleaned.  Then she tries to act like she's doing it for me.  No, you're doing it for you.  I do not give a fuck if you've swept the kitchen for the second time in 5 days and I have made this perfectly clear numerous times.

   I am home after surgery to repair a torn acl, meniscus, and osteochondral allograft transplant. I am seeing some things for the first time that I never knew were a thing. For example, our washer and dryer is running every single day. It's my wife and a 10 year old girl. How could we possibly have that many clothes to wash? 

   Also, our family room is close to the open kitchen. When you have a dishwasher that you can set the time for it to start, why would you set it to come on right when we are watching TV instead of 3am when no one is awake?

[Thatguy 9366]

On 11/27/2018 at 7:32 PM, AM Wood said:

There’s no practical reason to want or need a Michael Kors purse or a pair of those fucking ugly hunter boots either, but Gina has them and so will I!

  At least it's a Michael Kors purse. Trust me, there are much much worse options.

[ADHD 28]

On 12/2/2018 at 10:47 AM, BHMCruiser said:

I do not understand

 

Anything ever.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3873]

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

Lol... Shaggybevo must've fixed it for me.

True

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3873]

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

   They don't understand the heater is a function of the engine coolant. So when you first start up a car that is cold it's pointless to crank up the heat and put your hands in front of the vents until the vehicle itself warms up.....

Plus that turning the heat to 85F doesn't get it to 68F any faster than having it at 68F.

[Modessit 5667]

Women have no confidence in their arguments but argue anyway.

 

We're grocery shopping and my wife gets cinnamon rolls for this weekend.

 

Me: We already have some.

 

Her: No, we don't.

 

Me: Yes. We do. I saw them in the fridge this morning.

 

Her: No, we had two but I cooked them both.

 

Me: I don't know how many you cooked, but there's one in the fridge.

 

Her: When did you see it?

 

Me: I told you - this morning.

 

Her: We don't have any at home.

 

Me: Wanna bet? If we get home and there's one in the fridge then you give me a blowjob - tonight.

 

Her: I'm not betting. And there isn't one in the fridge.

 

We get home and guess what she finds in the fridge?

 

She should know by now that whenever I try to bet a blowjob on the outcome that she's definitely wrong but she still has to argue about it. And she never takes me up on the bet.

 

 

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

There's no quicker way to trap a woman in an obvious bullshit argument than to bet a blowjob on it.

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

14 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  My wide gets in the car when it's cold and cranks the heat up. I tried to explain how the heater works but.......

Also, why is your wife warming up the car without using defrost?  Does she like fogged windows?

[crimsonlonghorn 2313]

Mrs CL has horrible technology habits. She would say it's impatience and an unhelpful husband. I say it's because she's too lazy and has no discipline. 

I keep a charging cable on my side of the bed and plug in my phone every night when I go to bed and with very few exceptions my phone never runs out of juice during the day. Occasionally the cable wears out and has to be replaced, but I never move the cable next to my bed. I also keep a separate charger in my backpack that is just for traveling and it stays in my backpack unless I am traveling. If I need a charger or a cable for somewhere else, I'll grab one of the extra ones in my desk drawer, but the "permanent" ones never move. So I'm never looking for them and my shit stays charged. 

I have explained the benefits of this system to Mrs CL and have purchased her multiple charges and cables to keep on her nightstand, but she refuses to be diligent about plugging in at night, so her phone is constantly running out of juice during the day. So naturally, she walks off with the charger from her bedside and leaves it somewhere and then complains when she can't find a charger. 

In related news, she changed the password on her phone over the weekend and forgot what the new password was. She took it to the Apple Store and they said, "No problem, we can just wipe it and restore it. When was your latest backup?"

Guess whose fault it is that she has never backed up that damn phone?

[tbone_ 14447]

Hers?

[Apep 646]

3 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  I refuse to go shopping with my wife. Not only do I know I will get frustrated by the amount of shit that we buy, but the amount of time we spend in the store will have me ready to strangle someone. She has to go up and down every isle and touch every. damn. thing.

Lastly, the phrase "I saved _______ dollars" one some shit we don't need is literally the most infuriating thing you could possibly say to me.

My wife needed to go to Walmart the other day for some cheap plastic table clothes and cutlery. She decided to go after a family dinner at a local cafe. Knowing the torment my son and I were in for, I suggested we go to the dollar store instead. I thought that, because it was smaller, it would take less time. I forgot that my wife never shops there. She looked at everything. It took an hour.

[cactusflinthead 27627]

I've heard it goes back to the programming necessary to gather. Look at the entire landscape to find the berries and other food. Men hunt. We go directly to the target, kill it and leave. They spend hours wandering through the aisles in search of food, clothing, and nesting materials. 50000 years of reinforcement is not swayed by our irritation. I wander off on my own adventures if possible. 

[mulletpelini 5225]

1 hour ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Mrs CL has horrible technology habits. She would say it's impatience and an unhelpful husband. I say it's because she's too lazy and has no discipline. 

I keep a charging cable on my side of the bed and plug in my phone every night when I go to bed and with very few exceptions my phone never runs out of juice during the day. Occasionally the cable wears out and has to be replaced, but I never move the cable next to my bed. I also keep a separate charger in my backpack that is just for traveling and it stays in my backpack unless I am traveling. If I need a charger or a cable for somewhere else, I'll grab one of the extra ones in my desk drawer, but the "permanent" ones never move. So I'm never looking for them and my shit stays charged. 

I have explained the benefits of this system to Mrs CL and have purchased her multiple charges and cables to keep on her nightstand, but she refuses to be diligent about plugging in at night, so her phone is constantly running out of juice during the day. So naturally, she walks off with the charger from her bedside and leaves it somewhere and then complains when she can't find a charger. 

In related news, she changed the password on her phone over the weekend and forgot what the new password was. She took it to the Apple Store and they said, "No problem, we can just wipe it and restore it. When was your latest backup?"

Guess whose fault it is that she has never backed up that damn phone?

You're dumb.  Welcome to my dumb world.

[Armybrat 41408]

3 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  

Lastly, the phrase "I saved _______ dollars" one some shit we don't need is literally the most infuriating thing you could possibly say to me.

Mrs. Brat dropped that line after I bought 5 new handguns on sale last year and got enough cash rebates to cover the purchase of a compact 9mm pistol (also on sale @ $350).

Didn’t need any of them, but “need” has nothing to do with my firearm purchases.

Edited December 4, 2018 by Armybrat

[Thatguy 9366]

23 minutes ago, Apep said:

My wife needed to go to Walmart the other day for some cheap plastic table clothes and cutlery. She decided to go after a family dinner at a local cafe. Knowing the torment my son and I were in for, I suggested we go to the dollar store instead. I thought that, because it was smaller, it would take less time. I forgot that my wife never shops there. She looked at everything. It took an hour.

   Classic error I have made in the past. At first I tried to control the situation only to have it blow up in my face. I finally realized it's just better to not go. These days the irritation only comes when I see shit around the house that she bought that we don't need. Much more peaceful state of mind.

[Thatguy 9366]

2 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Also, why is your wife warming up the car without using defrost?  Does she like fogged windows?

   Bro, if any of us had answers to these kinds of questions we would charge for them. I don't fucking know! Why does she stop so far back from the stop sign at a four way stop? Why does she back up while looking straight forward? Why has she never checked oil even once in her life? Why was the headlight light out dash indicator flashing and she never said anything until I hopped in her Audi to drive it?

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

18 minutes ago, Thatguy said:

   Bro, if any of us had answers to these kinds of questions we would charge for them. I don't fucking know! Why does she stop so far back from the stop sign at a four way stop? Why does she back up while looking straight forward? Why has she never checked oil even once in her life? Why was the headlight light out dash indicator flashing and she never said anything until I hopped in her Audi to drive it?

I laughed harder at this than I feel good about.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18963]

2 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

There's no quicker way to trap a woman in an obvious bullshit argument than to bet a blowjob on it.

And no easier thing for her to welch on when she inevitably loses the bet. If I had a blowjob for every blowjob that was promised to me or lost in a bet, I probably wouldn't bitch about all the shit she keeps buying.

Who am I kidding? There ain't enough blowjobs in the world for that.

[Kennythetiger 9626]

49 minutes ago, cactusflinthead said:

I've heard it goes back to the programming necessary to gather. Look at the entire landscape to find the berries and other food. Men hunt. We go directly to the target, kill it and leave. They spend hours wandering through the aisles in search of food, clothing, and nesting materials. 50000 years of reinforcement is not swayed by our irritation. I wander off on my own adventures if possible. 

Is anything?

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

7 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

And no easier thing for her to welch on when she inevitably loses the bet. If I had a blowjob for every blowjob that was promised to me or lost in a bet, I probably wouldn't bitch about all the shit she keeps buying.

Who am I kidding? There ain't enough blowjobs in the world for that.

I'll cosign all of this.

[cactusflinthead 27627]

25 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Is anything?

Good point 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4999]

4 hours ago, Thatguy said:

  At least it's a Michael Kors purse. Trust me, there are much much worse options.

I can make Mrs AM Wood a purse that will make that Michael Kors job look like something from the dollar store. With a price to match of course. 

[Sandman 3431]

1 hour ago, Thatguy said:

   Bro, if any of us had answers to these kinds of questions we would charge for them. I don't fucking know! Why does she stop so far back from the stop sign at a four way stop? Why does she back up while looking straight forward? Why has she never checked oil even once in her life? Why was the headlight light out dash indicator flashing and she never said anything until I hopped in her Audi to drive it?

Mine likes to stop halfway into the intersection. I used to ask why she even bothered but I've just given up.

[mulletpelini 5225]

I actually had an ex who was resistant to sex unless I challenged her to a bet and then she felt some woman bullshit logic to actually pay it off.

Thankfully for that bullshit logic otherwise I wouldn't have been getting shit.  And of course she lost every. single. time.  I made sure of it.

[Thatguy 9366]

1 hour ago, Al_4_ISU said:

I laughed harder at this than I feel good about.

   Is there anything else left a man can do but laugh?

 

    I spend all my days marveling at my wife and 10 year old daughter. Last night my daughter went to brush her teeth and came all the way back in the family room and stood there just brushing away. This seemed to irritate Mrs Thatguy. She raised her voice at her to go up to her bathroom and brush her teeth there. As soon as she left she just rolled her eyes in frustration. Two hours later I am watching TV and I hear someone brushing their teeth. Sure as shit there is Mrs Thatguy standing there in the family room brushing her teeth. I was trying so hard, gritting my teeth and everything. Grrrrrrrrr.....don't sayyyy itttt....." You know that's where she gets it from right?"

 

Tone........

[babysdaddy 2731]

wife now uses the garage wall as her indicator that she's fully in and the garage door won't hit her back bumper when it's closing.  as in, she bumps the wall every time she pulls in to park.

also, new habit has started on not closing the garage door and not locking the back door.  I assume not closing the garage is just in case the wall has moved mysteriously while she was away and now the parking spot is shorter.

so last night, when the wind blew and since the actual garage was open, our door to our garage flew open and set off the alarm waking up everyone (read 2 kids under 5) in the house.

  

[You don't know me 1163]

3 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

wife now uses the garage wall as her indicator that she's fully in and the garage door won't hit her back bumper when it's closing.  as in, she bumps the wall every time she pulls in to park.

also, new habit has started on not closing the garage door and not locking the back door.  I assume not closing the garage is just in case the wall has moved mysteriously while she was away and now the parking spot is shorter.

so last night, when the wind blew and since the actual garage was open, our door to our garage flew open and set off the alarm waking up everyone (read 2 kids under 5) in the house.

  

Have you explained that if she continues to 'bump' the wall with her bumper that the parking spot will only get bigger over time?

[babysdaddy 2731]

Just now, You don't know me said:

Have you explained that if she continues to 'bump' the wall with her bumper that the parking spot will only get bigger over time?

well, she's an ivy league educated engineer so I didn't think I needed to.  counterargument, woman.

[Cheeseweasel 26439]

14 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

well, she's an ivy league educated engineer so I didn't think I needed to.  counterargument, woman.

Sounds like she should realize that there is a design solution to this.

Counterargument: Woman.

[Thatguy 9366]

29 minutes ago, babysdaddy said:

wife now uses the garage wall as her indicator that she's fully in and the garage door won't hit her back bumper when it's closing.  as in, she bumps the wall every time she pulls in to park.

also, new habit has started on not closing the garage door and not locking the back door.  I assume not closing the garage is just in case the wall has moved mysteriously while she was away and now the parking spot is shorter.

so last night, when the wind blew and since the actual garage was open, our door to our garage flew open and set off the alarm waking up everyone (read 2 kids under 5) in the house.

  

  I thought leaving doors open was something that all well to do or rural white people did. Even though we live in an extremely safe area way in the burbs, it still freaks me out if the doors are unlocked. So I trained the wife and kid to lock it. However, whenever her parents come to town they leave everything unlocked. While sitting in the family room with them all I can do is just stare at the lock. I know nothing will happen, but the old inner city guy in me just can't trust it. So once they go to bed I get up and lock everything. lol. They do acknowledge my discomfort sometimes. We were looking at a house in Friendswood Lakes awhile back. They came to town and my wife wanted to drive them by and show them. There was a pool in the back and the FIL wanted to look at it so he just opened the gate and went in(home was vacant). My MIL took one look at the fear in my face(black people aren't allowed to freely peruse around properties) and called him back.

[Al_4_ISU 12623]

4 hours ago, Sandman said:

Mine likes to stop halfway into the intersection. I used to ask why she even bothered but I've just given up.

I would actually take that.

Mine sits at lights after they turn green, and at stop signs too long (the Midwestern version of a Mexican Standoff is 4 people pulling up to a 4 way stop at the same time).  When I point this out, I'm accused of "yelling".  There has been no change in the volume of my voice.