Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[JimmyHoffa 1188]

Recap of the weekend-

Saturday- Kids birthday party at our house

Sunday- Basketball tournament in the morning, soccer game late afternoon

Sunday night- Wife goes on a 10 minute rant to me (not at me) about how she doesn't have enough time in the day to get everything done with home and work, blah, blah, blah. Then is fine.

It's like she just needed to be pissed about something, get it off her chest and then she feels better. Women are weird. 

 

[Nolacycling 893]

49 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Who the hell showed your wife how to work the sprinkler system?

That neighbor that seems to visit alot.

[Modessit 5600]

It's not about the nail.

[HouTex 1867]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

Who the hell showed your wife how to work the sprinkler system?

Good point with some systems.  But mine has a dial selector that points to the settings and the setting at 12:00 on the dial says "OFF".  The first setting to the left says "RUN".  To her credit, she at least she figured out how to turn the system on and off.  Had she not figured that one out, it would have been worthy of its own post in this thread.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

1 hour ago, HouTex said:

Good point with some systems.  But mine has a dial selector that points to the settings and the setting at 12:00 on the dial says "OFF".  The first setting to the left says "RUN".  To her credit, she at least she figured out how to turn the system on and off.  Had she not figured that one out, it would have been worthy of its own post in this thread.

Most wives would still fuck this up.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18549]

This is going to shock all of you,...  but my wife has been re-doing furniture as one of her hobbies. She will go to some antique place, buy some beat up chair or loveseat, go search out some unique fabric and then take it over to the reupholster guy to rehab. The reupholster/ furniture rehab guy, who we refer to affectionately as "Toothless," due to his lack of permanent dentition, has been doing this shit for her for years now.

To my wife's credit, Toothless is very inexpensive. However, he is also extremely lazy / inefficient / flaky / high / unmotivated / whatever. Since she's always dropping crap off at his shop, it's a kind of a rotating inventory deal. She brings him supplies, months and months later when he needs some cash to go fishing, he finally gets off his ass and fixes it and then gets paid. 

Well.... a few months back, his shop goes up for sale. My wife talks to him and Toothless mentions something about starting to work out of his garage, but my wife doesn't think much of it. She goes by there a few days ago and everything's gone. The shop, which was formerly stacked to the ceiling with yet-to-be-fixed furniture, is completely empty. Toothless's phone is disconnected and he has gone completely off the grid. Gonzo. My wife has ~$2,000 (at least that's the number she admitted to me, it's probably a good deal north of that) worth of furniture and fabric at his shop.

Needless to say, my wife is PISSED, "That chair I left him was from the 1700's and that loveseat with the foldout bed? You will never find something like that." Now I have to go into Jim Rockford mode to find this guy. I'm looking up anything I can on him and through interweb sleuthing, I come to find out he sold his shop for something obscene like $375,000. That's good cash for just about anybody, but for Toothless it's like hitting the fucking Powerball. If we can't find him, my wife wants to call the police. You think she has one single receipt from this guy? 

[Llano Estacado 1257]

Signed, dated, and organized in a handsome antique attaché case she picked up somewhere?

[Flg8rfan 201]

This is going to shock all of you,...  but my wife has been re-doing furniture as one of her hobbies. She will go to some antique place, buy some beat up chair or loveseat, go search out some unique fabric and then take it over to the reupholster guy to rehab. The reupholster/ furniture rehab guy, who we refer to affectionately as "Toothless," due to his lack of permanent dentition, has been doing this shit for her for years now.
To my wife's credit, Toothless is very inexpensive. However, he is also extremely lazy / inefficient / flaky / high / unmotivated / whatever. Since she's always dropping crap off at his shop, it's a kind of a rotating inventory deal. She brings him supplies, months and months later when he needs some cash to go fishing, he finally gets off his ass and fixes it and then gets paid. 
Well.... a few months back, his shop goes up for sale. My wife talks to him and Toothless mentions something about starting to work out of his garage, but my wife doesn't think much of it. She goes by there a few days ago and everything's gone. The shop, which was formerly stacked to the ceiling with yet-to-be-fixed furniture, is completely empty. Toothless's phone is disconnected and he has gone completely off the grid. Gonzo. My wife has ~$2,000 (at least that's the number she admitted to me, it's probably a good deal north of that) worth of furniture and fabric at his shop.
Needless to say, my wife is PISSED, "That chair I left him was from the 1700's and that loveseat with the foldout bed? You will never find something like that." Now I have to go into Jim Rockford mode to find this guy. I'm looking up anything I can on him and through interweb sleuthing, I come to find out he sold his shop for something obscene like $375,000. That's good cash for just about anybody, but for Toothless it's like hitting the fucking Powerball. If we can't find him, my wife wants to call the police. You think she has one single receipt from this guy? 

Probably more than 2k of stuff but even so, you’ll spend more in time, money, and frustration trying to get anything back, everything probably went with the sale of the shop.

[ztejas 43420]

13 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

This is going to shock all of you,...  but my wife has been re-doing furniture as one of her hobbies. She will go to some antique place, buy some beat up chair or loveseat, go search out some unique fabric and then take it over to the reupholster guy to rehab. The reupholster/ furniture rehab guy, who we refer to affectionately as "Toothless," due to his lack of permanent dentition, has been doing this shit for her for years now.

To my wife's credit, Toothless is very inexpensive. However, he is also extremely lazy / inefficient / flaky / high / unmotivated / whatever. Since she's always dropping crap off at his shop, it's a kind of a rotating inventory deal. She brings him supplies, months and months later when he needs some cash to go fishing, he finally gets off his ass and fixes it and then gets paid. 

Well.... a few months back, his shop goes up for sale. My wife talks to him and Toothless mentions something about starting to work out of his garage, but my wife doesn't think much of it. She goes by there a few days ago and everything's gone. The shop, which was formerly stacked to the ceiling with yet-to-be-fixed furniture, is completely empty. Toothless's phone is disconnected and he has gone completely off the grid. Gonzo. My wife has ~$2,000 (at least that's the number she admitted to me, it's probably a good deal north of that) worth of furniture and fabric at his shop.

Needless to say, my wife is PISSED, "That chair I left him was from the 1700's and that loveseat with the foldout bed? You will never find something like that." Now I have to go into Jim Rockford mode to find this guy. I'm looking up anything I can on him and through interweb sleuthing, I come to find out he sold his shop for something obscene like $375,000. That's good cash for just about anybody, but for Toothless it's like hitting the fucking Powerball. If we can't find him, my wife wants to call the police. You think she has one single receipt from this guy? 

This is incredible. The frequency with which you win this thread is admirable. 

[Dennis Taylor 18818]

13 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

This is going to shock all of you,...  but my wife has been re-doing furniture as one of her hobbies. She will go to some antique place, buy some beat up chair or loveseat, go search out some unique fabric and then take it over to the reupholster guy to rehab. The reupholster/ furniture rehab guy, who we refer to affectionately as "Toothless," due to his lack of permanent dentition, has been doing this shit for her for years now.

To my wife's credit, Toothless is very inexpensive. However, he is also extremely lazy / inefficient / flaky / high / unmotivated / whatever. Since she's always dropping crap off at his shop, it's a kind of a rotating inventory deal. She brings him supplies, months and months later when he needs some cash to go fishing, he finally gets off his ass and fixes it and then gets paid. 

Well.... a few months back, his shop goes up for sale. My wife talks to him and Toothless mentions something about starting to work out of his garage, but my wife doesn't think much of it. She goes by there a few days ago and everything's gone. The shop, which was formerly stacked to the ceiling with yet-to-be-fixed furniture, is completely empty. Toothless's phone is disconnected and he has gone completely off the grid. Gonzo. My wife has ~$2,000 (at least that's the number she admitted to me, it's probably a good deal north of that) worth of furniture and fabric at his shop.

Needless to say, my wife is PISSED, "That chair I left him was from the 1700's and that loveseat with the foldout bed? You will never find something like that." Now I have to go into Jim Rockford mode to find this guy. I'm looking up anything I can on him and through interweb sleuthing, I come to find out he sold his shop for something obscene like $375,000. That's good cash for just about anybody, but for Toothless it's like hitting the fucking Powerball. If we can't find him, my wife wants to call the police. You think she has one single receipt from this guy? 

surely someone in the shaggy surly 1% will be posting soon about the useless trinket shop he bought for his wife to shut her up make her happy, maybe you can retrieve her shit then 

[HenryJames 66048]

15 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

This is going to shock all of you,...  but my wife has been re-doing furniture as one of her hobbies. She will go to some antique place, buy some beat up chair or loveseat, go search out some unique fabric and then take it over to the reupholster guy to rehab. The reupholster/ furniture rehab guy, who we refer to affectionately as "Toothless," due to his lack of permanent dentition, has been doing this shit for her for years now.

To my wife's credit, Toothless is very inexpensive. However, he is also extremely lazy / inefficient / flaky / high / unmotivated / whatever. Since she's always dropping crap off at his shop, it's a kind of a rotating inventory deal. She brings him supplies, months and months later when he needs some cash to go fishing, he finally gets off his ass and fixes it and then gets paid. 

Well.... a few months back, his shop goes up for sale. My wife talks to him and Toothless mentions something about starting to work out of his garage, but my wife doesn't think much of it. She goes by there a few days ago and everything's gone. The shop, which was formerly stacked to the ceiling with yet-to-be-fixed furniture, is completely empty. Toothless's phone is disconnected and he has gone completely off the grid. Gonzo. My wife has ~$2,000 (at least that's the number she admitted to me, it's probably a good deal north of that) worth of furniture and fabric at his shop.

Needless to say, my wife is PISSED, "That chair I left him was from the 1700's and that loveseat with the foldout bed? You will never find something like that." Now I have to go into Jim Rockford mode to find this guy. I'm looking up anything I can on him and through interweb sleuthing, I come to find out he sold his shop for something obscene like $375,000. That's good cash for just about anybody, but for Toothless it's like hitting the fucking Powerball. If we can't find him, my wife wants to call the police. You think she has one single receipt from this guy? 

I just assumed your wife bought it.

[AM Wood 335]

1 minute ago, ztejas said:

This is incredible. The frequency with which you win this thread is admirable. 

they ought to just give him the internet.

[G650 14254]

3 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Recap of the weekend-

Saturday- Kids birthday party at our house

Sunday- Basketball tournament in the morning, soccer game late afternoon

Sunday night- Wife goes on a 10 minute rant to me (not at me) about how she doesn't have enough time in the day to get everything done with home and work, blah, blah, blah. Then is fine.

It's like she just needed to be pissed about something, get it off her chest and then she feels better. Women are weird. 

 

This was my weekend if you substitute the Sunday Sports for another birthday event (adult).

[Sbbruin 21850]

Wife goes to HEB a mile from the house to" get 3 items i need to make some desert" for some hen gathering.  Asks our 9th grade son to go with her even though he still needs to shower, eat, and study for a test....
And hour later, I call to see if they got lost or something..." No, I needed to get some things"
She gets back 45 minutes later with 15 bags of stuff- $130 worth milk, OJ, and other basics that we not only already had in the kitchen fridge but also had the next round of in the laundry room fridge...Oh and $30 worth of Zaxbys  which was great cause you just spent 90 minutes in a 30,000 Sq ft building full of food

In my house that's called Tuesday.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

This is going to shock all of you,...  but my wife has been re-doing furniture as one of her hobbies. She will go to some antique place, buy some beat up chair or loveseat, go search out some unique fabric and then take it over to the reupholster guy to rehab. The reupholster/ furniture rehab guy, who we refer to affectionately as "Toothless," due to his lack of permanent dentition, has been doing this shit for her for years now.
To my wife's credit, Toothless is very inexpensive. However, he is also extremely lazy / inefficient / flaky / high / unmotivated / whatever. Since she's always dropping crap off at his shop, it's a kind of a rotating inventory deal. She brings him supplies, months and months later when he needs some cash to go fishing, he finally gets off his ass and fixes it and then gets paid. 
Well.... a few months back, his shop goes up for sale. My wife talks to him and Toothless mentions something about starting to work out of his garage, but my wife doesn't think much of it. She goes by there a few days ago and everything's gone. The shop, which was formerly stacked to the ceiling with yet-to-be-fixed furniture, is completely empty. Toothless's phone is disconnected and he has gone completely off the grid. Gonzo. My wife has ~$2,000 (at least that's the number she admitted to me, it's probably a good deal north of that) worth of furniture and fabric at his shop.
Needless to say, my wife is PISSED, "That chair I left him was from the 1700's and that loveseat with the foldout bed? You will never find something like that." Now I have to go into Jim Rockford mode to find this guy. I'm looking up anything I can on him and through interweb sleuthing, I come to find out he sold his shop for something obscene like $375,000. That's good cash for just about anybody, but for Toothless it's like hitting the fucking Powerball. If we can't find him, my wife wants to call the police. You think she has one single receipt from this guy? 

Congrats to toothless. His new house will be fully furnished. I'm actually surprised we weren't aware of this phenomenon of reupholstering old furniture mitch.

Because its def not a hobby to buy old POS furniture and having somebody else do the hard work.

[Tyler Durden 132]

38 minutes ago, ztejas said:

This is incredible. The frequency with which you win this thread is admirable. 

Admirable is definitely not the correct word.

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

I read "This is going to shock all of you,...", and I knew that this would be another Mrs. Cumsteen classic.  And I was right.  You are a great, great man, @Mitch Cumsteen.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

Mitch always takes this thread to 11.

[Reagan1k 3024]

Toothless will soon be appearing on PBS Antiques Roadshow with a chair from the 1700's that'll be worth $50k.

[Pato del Muerto 52492]

Narrator:  the chair wasn’t from the 1700s. 

[Mitch Cumsteen 18549]

1 hour ago, Tyler Durden said:

Admirable is definitely not the correct word.

Yeah... it's not the word I had in mind and either is the word "win."

[DaysOff 7947]

God damn I love Mitch.

[ztejas 43420]

Just now, BurntEyes said:

I would pay a good deal of money to watch a show of Mrs Cumsteen doing antique shopping/builds with Dirt Bike and Trixie.

Seriously, $9.95 per episode and it would be worth every fucking cent.

Only if we get a window-in-window picture of Mitch's reactions. 

[Sbbruin 21850]

On 1/17/2019 at 7:21 AM, ztejas said:

Oh boy, csb time.

In high school I was good friends with this redneck kid from North Carolina. Nice, funny guy but not the sharpest.

One day we're hanging out, boozing, on the way to Lost Creek, and I get a Fiji water at the store we stop for for beer. 

On the label it says "Natural Artesian Water"

So North Carolina deadpan chimes in from the back-seat "Hey y'all, where is Artesia?"

Me and my friend almost died.

What a dumbshit.  Everyone knows Artesia is nestled between Cerritos and Bellflower.

[ztejas 43420]

1 minute ago, Sbbruin said:

What a dumbshit.  Everyone knows Artesia is nestled between Cerritos and Bellflower.

Is that where Ron McKelvy played high school ball?

[Sbbruin 21850]

2 minutes ago, ztejas said:

Is that where Ron McKelvy played high school ball?

It's where Ed and Charles O'Bannon played HS ball.

[SHOOTER12 8806]

On 1/24/2019 at 3:05 PM, JimmyHoffa said:

Our house is 2 years old.

Mrs. Jimmy- We need to call a plumber 

Me- what for? 

Mrs. Jimmy- The shower handle is loose in our bathroom

5 minutes later

Me- Problem fixed we don't need the plumber

Mrs. Jimmy- HOW DID YOU DO THAT? 

Me- it's called a screwdriver

 

Not sure if I should take offense to the fact she wanted to call a plumber to fix a loose handle or she was playing me knowing that questioning my masculinity would get me to fix the problem right away.....

I don't know how old you are, but just wait it seems that as men the more experienced we get and the more things that we encounter it all means nothing as it seems when we age they think we get Dumber every day and not wiser. The things they knew we could do 10 years ago we are suddenly inept at. I'm not talking about sex either. 

Edited January 29, 2019 by SHOOTER12

[SHOOTER12 8806]

5 hours ago, HouTex said:

Good point with some systems.  But mine has a dial selector that points to the settings and the setting at 12:00 on the dial says "OFF".  The first setting to the left says "RUN".  To her credit, she at least she figured out how to turn the system on and off.  Had she not figured that one out, it would have been worthy of its own post in this thread.

Just think though, during the next fall and winter drought you'll have the greenest yard in the neighborhood thanks to her.

[Coyote 269]

Sorry about the misfortune, Mitch. Should your wife decide to get back in the business, I’d be happy to part with the below piece. I’ll throw in the sewing machine as a token of appreciation.


.

Let me know please. Thanks.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18549]

I gotta be honest, I don't know how hard I'm actually going to look for Toothless. It's probably worth eating the 2 grand not to have all that shit in my house - it's not like I'm ever getting that money back anyway.

[OWLVIS 557]

22 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I gotta be honest, I don't know how hard I'm actually going to look for Toothless. It's probably worth eating the 2 grand not to have all that shit in my house - it's not like I'm ever getting that money back anyway.

Ive said this before and I mean it in the most respectful way possible.

 Your wife  must give one helluva blow job

[Trey3216 15346]

5 minutes ago, OWLVIS said:

Ive said this before and I mean it in the most respectful way possible.

 wife  ? blow job??!!!

Edited January 29, 2019 by Trey3216

[Bone3421 716]

I have no idea if they were married but spanish/latina women was losing her shit in parking lot just screaming you use me im not your slave and other stuff...dude is calm and not yelling...entertaining and what not. Then she starts calling him a murderer...that peaked my interest lol

Anyways they get in car and she still is yelling and losing her shit...dude never yelled or raised voice...good times wal-mart

[Sam Lin 3556]

13 hours ago, ztejas said:

This is incredible. The frequency with which you win this thread is admirable. 

Every time he posts, he wins.

[HenryJames 66048]

10 hours ago, Coyote said:

Sorry about the misfortune, Mitch. Should your wife decide to get back in the business, I’d be happy to part with the below piece. I’ll throw in the sewing machine as a token of appreciation.


.

Let me know please. Thanks.

That rug really ties the room together.

[Coyote 269]

Funny story about that rug. Several months ago my SIL wanted to come visit. My wife asks me if she can bring her dog and if the dog can be in the house. I said of course. SIL shows up with her dog and 8 puppies no more than 3 weeks old. Wife knew about the puppies but forgot to let me know about that little detail.

Guess who got to go buy the cheapest rug they could find so the dogs could stay in the garage?

[El Diablo 4232]

5 hours ago, Bone3421 said:

good times wal-mart

Congratulations, you've just written their new slogan/campaign tag line.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

Funny story about that rug. Several months ago my SIL wanted to come visit. My wife asks me if she can bring her dog and if the dog can be in the house. I said of course. SIL shows up with her dog and 8 puppies no more than 3 weeks old. Wife knew about the puppies but forgot to let me know about that little detail.

Guess who got to go buy the cheapest rug they could find so the dogs could stay in the garage?

Mitch’s wife?

[Js1 85321]

1 hour ago, El Diablo said:

Congratulations, you've just written their new slogan/campaign tag line.

I thought that was obvious from the "wine in a pringles can" bitch. 

[Upgrayedd 5810]

I make a pot of coffee for the Avatar and me every morning.  Every morning I take a cup, wait for the Avatar to take hers, then finish the pot (usually a full cup).  Everyday, same system.

Except for this morning.  “You hog, you took all the coffee!”

”Wait, I saw you in there getting coffee.  Did I not make enough?”

”I used a smaller cup today.”

”How is that my fault?”

”You should have asked.”

”So ask 48,000 times in anticipation for that one day, today, where you would use a smaller cup?”

Tone

[SilasCoade 2622]

7 hours ago, Bone3421 said:

I have no idea if they were married but spanish/latina women was losing her shit in parking lot just screaming you use me im not your slave and other stuff...dude is calm and not yelling...entertaining and what not. Then she starts calling him a murderer...that peaked my interest lol

Anyways they get in car and she still is yelling and losing her shit...dude never yelled or raised voice...good times wal-mart

peaked?

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

1 hour ago, Llogg said:

peaked?

He did peak.

[BHMCruiser 1813]

9 hours ago, Bone3421 said:

I have no idea if they were married but spanish/latina women was losing her shit in parking lot just screaming you use me im not your slave and other stuff...dude is calm and not yelling...entertaining and what not. Then she starts calling him a murderer...that peaked my interest lol

Anyways they get in car and she still is yelling and losing her shit...dude never yelled or raised voice...good times wal-mart

Yeah, she is dead now

[KaiserSoze 998]

3 hours ago, Llogg said:

peaked?

One of the many subtle ways a lot of morons out themselves here.

[Beau Vine 54219]

11 hours ago, Bone3421 said:

I have no idea if they were married but spanish/latina women was losing her shit in parking lot just screaming you use me im not your slave and other stuff...dude is calm and not yelling...entertaining and what not. Then she starts calling him a murderer...that peaked my interest lol

Anyways they get in car and she still is yelling and losing her shit...dude never yelled or raised voice...good times wal-mart

*piqued

[Clackles 276]

48 minutes ago, KaiserSoze said:

One of the many subtle ways a lot of morons out themselves here.

Stuff like that makes it pretty easy to pique them out.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

This is what pique surly looks like.

[Bone3421 716]

My interest was piqued when she was yelling in parking lot. When she started calling him a murderer my interest peaked

[TrashMaster G 17554]

4 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

I make a pot of coffee for the Avatar and me every morning.  Every morning I take a cup, wait for the Avatar to take hers, then finish the pot (usually a full cup).  Everyday, same system.

Except for this morning.  “You hog, you took all the coffee!”

”Wait, I saw you in there getting coffee.  Did I not make enough?”

”I used a smaller cup today.”

”How is that my fault?”

”You should have asked.”

”So ask 48,000 times in anticipation for that one day, today, where you would use a smaller cup?”

Tone

Yep.  The female psyche on full display.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

Yep.  The female psyche on full display.

You spelled psycho wrong.