Jump to content

Why Texas Stomps a Mudhole In LSU's Ass

closetojumping

By closetojumping
in Football

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Popular Post
closetojumping

closetojumping 62765

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

 

One of the great things about being a Texas fan is that the football team plays at least 10 P5 teams each year. I heard some SEC honk on XM 84 mention recently that Georgia is really showing the world who’s the balls by playing an amazing 10 P5 games this year.

“Wow. I’m sexually aroused, Commander.”

You know who else plays 10 P5 games this year? Every fucking Pac 12, Big 10, and Big 12 team in existence, you myopic fuck. These fucking clowns have gone so deep into their own fart-huffing that they forgot that the sport is actually played beyond the range of their backwater region.

Anyway, part of what’s great about how Texas plays its 10 P5 games is that the 10th game is damned near always against a worthy opponent with a well-known brand. This year is no different, as the horns don their gear this Saturday to face a powerful foe in the LSU Tigers. It should be a great match-up and fun Saturday night. And by that, I mean I expect Texas to stomp a deep and dirty mudhole painfully into the ass of these Cajun hillbillies and send them packing back to the swampy nether regions faster than you can spot corruption in their state government.

“But closetojumping, LSU’s student athletes are among the elite in college sports!”

First of all, let’s be clear about something, I don’t think LSU is even an accredited university. The trolls showing up to this site, and anyone who’s ever read TigerDroppings can also attest, simply reflect the concept that LSU isn’t an actual school, therefore these are not “Student” Athletes that UT is playing. Look at the facts:

-LSU has an application acceptance rate of 74%. The literacy rate for the state of Louisiana most recently posted at 69% according to the Department of Education. Basic math says this is an open-enrollment school creating vocational opportunities for the literate and semi-literate in its home state. They’re effectively taking anyone from Louisiana that can sign their name on the application.

-The admission standards and average SAT scores accepted into LSU are lower than the NCAA eligibility requirements for true freshmen student athletes entering into its FBS schools. A state of Texas GED is an acceptable posting of the documents required for acceptance into LSU.

Given this data, it’s reasonable to assess that LSU’s football team is in effect a local team of mercenaries that do not face the same academic and educational responsibilities that any of their opponents besides Ole Miss, Auburn, and Mississippi State will face. So they’re not to be called student-athletes, and they’re able to show up competing with that advantage against Texas. I still like where we sit against them and their fans, both in this game and in life.

“closetojumping, you seem awfully bullish about Texas facing a team with a new offensive juggernaut of an offense that dismantled a mighty 10 win team last weekend.”

I keep hearing a couple of refrains from LSU visitors, the media talking heads, and the coelenterates cloaked in UT gear that surface themselves on the boards and at the proverbial water cooler. The mighty new offense is one of the bigger talking points as to why Texas shouldn’t even bother showing up this weekend.

So LSU hired a guy that’s never actually been a coordinator of any sort and shoved him into the pedestrian Ensminger’s thinking, and asked those two to have a football baby. And we’re supposed to be concerned, especially after watching LSU publicly buttfuck the wizards of GA Southern. “Hey, GAS won 10 games last year, they’re strong.” Right. Their best win last year was against Appalachian State. They were blown out by ULM. So, no, pummeling a shithole team from the Sun Belt doesn’t do anything for me. I realize, given LSU’s troubles with the Sun Belt, this is a step up, like going from using an outhouse to having indoor plumbing.

A wise philosopher once said that everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face. Installing a new offense with a nonbelieving head coach that panics when he sees his offenses actively using motion faces more peril than what a cupcake can present. When Texas sends LSU back to the sidelines after a couple of 3 and outs, let’s see how much resolve Brady and Ensminger have when Baron von Edward Beauregard Orgeron is heaving red bull and dirty rice flavored, spittle-loaded invective in their direction and regressing the offense back to 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Orgeron’s loomed like a gargoyle over the offensive strategy of his staff in every season of every stop he’s made as a head coach. It’s difficult to fathom that he’s shaken that monkey in one offseason because an analyst from the Saints was hired.

The oldest running joke in college football is that LSU has opened up its offense. That punchline will be toasted again in the late hours of Saturday night.

“CTJ, these LSU boys got that swagger though!!! They Sposed to be SEC!!!”

A team hasn’t talked this much shit about an opponent since Miami prepared to face Penn State in the 1987 Fiesta Bowl. The media has certainly bathed LSU in Sazerac-flavored glory as the LSU idiots have fed them sound byte after sound byte.

K’Lavon Chaisson and his 3 career sacks has pulled up in his shit smelling clown car and spouted off at the mouth to anyone who will listen. This guy must still be pissed that Tom Herman took up residence in his home for 8 hours and subjected him to bingewatching Friends.

One of the linebackers has announced that they’re going to run over Sam Cosmi in 10 different ways. I can’t remember which one said it, and while my understanding is that their LB corps is apparently on par with 70’s Steelers, I don’t see a single fucking one that can sniff Devin White’s jock, and he’s long gone.

Their entire DB unit has collectively rubbed its sandy vagina and moaned that Texas, a program that has put more than 60 DBs into the league, has the temerity to continue to claim a moniker that UT’s been using for 3 decades. The LSU DBs are hurt because history apparently started with Patrick Peterson and the fucking Honey Badger. Right. Sorry, LSU, we forgot you were there.

All of the shit talking and chest beating is the same false bravado we witnessed in our last 2 endeavors against overrated SEC teams. They’re fucking great because they say they are. It’s got all the markings of a situation in which a team shows up, throws their helmets out on the field, and says “okay, we’re here, give us the W”. As Texas fans, we know it all too well, having seen that bullshit start with overhype at the turn of the decade and the UT teams of that period playing right into it.

Herman lives for this kind of game and situation, and his team feeds off of it as well. Underdogs at home? Getting shittalked by clowns who’ve never shared the field with Texas? Big national audience? All those boxes are checked and the history of those circumstances tells us that Texas will be ready.

Beyond the mental prep, or lack thereof, depending upon the side, there’s also a really simple exercise to think through here. If you had one game to win against a highly touted and talented opponent, which head coach would you want prepping the strategy for your team and hatching the gameplan – Tom Herman or Sir Edgar Beaujolais Orgeron, Esq.? Only LSU fans are dumb enough to claim they’d choose the latter.

“OH NO closetojumping, you’ve doomed us to our fate!!”

I mudhole posted about USC last year, if it makes you feel any better. Stop squatting to pee. Texas wins this game with a score closer than the way the game was actually played on the field – 31-24. I expect misdirection, tempo, and a steady diet of fat ass LSU defenders sucking wind. The Texas defense will sell out to stop the run and force Jesus Joe Burrow to swagger the passing game to a big night while the beached whales masquerading as offensive linemen attempt to fend off multiple blitzes in front of him.

I look forward to seeing many hot and trashy Cajun females bawling after the game, barely speaking audible English, lamenting the beating their team just took. LSU players, apparently, will be looking forward to heading back to the lockerroom so they can continue to compare notes on how they’re going to rape each other, or whatever the fuck this is:

 

 

Anyway, Hook'em

  • Like 177
  • Haha 8
  • Fuck You 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Replies 458
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

closetojumping
closetojumping

One of the great things about being a Texas fan is that the football team plays at least 10 P5 teams each year. I heard some SEC honk on XM 84 mention recently that Georgia is really showing the world

GumboPot
GumboPot

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups? LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line? Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aran

Bobby_Batronic
Bobby_Batronic

Let me translate since I married into a family of swamp running coonasses, jackasses and shrimpin’ Chinks. A baw is your basic jackass who is equal parts bro, wannabe country boy and pretentious

Posted Images

GumboPot

GumboPot 147

Posted
Posted

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

  • Like 7
  • Fuck You 61
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Orange&White

Orange&White 5528

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

OK, Cool. Hook 'Em!

 

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites
formermav43

formermav43 4606

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

I don’t think you understand the point of this post. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Huckleberry

Huckleberry 33048

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
1 minute ago, GumboPot said:

Epic LSU versus UT weekend and UT fans stuck on Aggies.  LOL.

Huh? The official name of LSU is Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College. Nobody is talking about the clown college in College Station. I would ask if you really didn't know the real name of your school, but I think we all know the answer already.

  • Like 23
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
formermav43

formermav43 4606

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

I don’t think you understand the point of this post. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
WBT

WBT 20646

Posted
Posted
18 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

Tell me more about this "7 versus 7"

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
RomaVicta

RomaVicta 29953

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
21 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

Negged for being humorless. So much of the world's wit and coherence must breeze over your thick skull with super-sonic speed.

  • Like 11
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
GumboPot

GumboPot 147

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Huckleberry said:

Huh? The official name of LSU is Louisiana State University and Agricultural and Mechanical College. Nobody is talking about the clown college in College Station. I would ask if you really didn't know the real name of your school, but I think we all know the answer already.

Of course we know the full the name of LSU.  The question didn't even deserve a genuine response because you know it wasn't a genuine question to inform and the fact that LSU is an A&M college has zero bearing on the game Saturday.   However in the context of surlyhorns.com responding to an OP that is trashing LSU it's an obvious attempt to belittle LSU like you belittle your former cross state rival. 

  • Like 1
  • Fuck You 15
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Bert Orange

Bert Orange 1120

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

Of course we know the full the name of LSU.  The question didn't even deserve a genuine response because you know it wasn't a genuine question to inform and the fact that LSU is an A&M college has zero bearing on the game Saturday.   However in the context of surlyhorns.com responding to an OP that is trashing LSU it's an obvious attempt to belittle LSU like you belittle your former cross state rival. 

We drink and we know things. That’s what we do. 

  • Like 8
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
BurdineBandit

BurdineBandit 815

Posted
Posted
30 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

Really, Stingley has played against Collin Johnson and Jake Smith since 8th grade? The two west coasters? And in that case every DB in our DB room knows every one of your receivers, and vice versa. This isn't a point at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Steamboat1874

Steamboat1874 4075

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
3 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

Of course we know the full the name of LSU.  The question didn't even deserve a genuine response because you know it wasn't a genuine question to inform and the fact that LSU is an A&M college has zero bearing on the game Saturday.   However in the context of surlyhorns.com responding to an OP that is trashing LSU it's an obvious attempt to belittle LSU like you belittle your former cross state rival. 

We have never had a "rival" from this state.

  • Like 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Huckleberry

Huckleberry 33048

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

Of course we know the full the name of LSU.  The question didn't even deserve a genuine response because you know it wasn't a genuine question to inform and the fact that LSU is an A&M college has zero bearing on the game Saturday.   However in the context of surlyhorns.com responding to an OP that is trashing LSU it's an obvious attempt to belittle LSU like you belittle your former cross state rival. 

Of course it wasn't a genuine question to inform. The first clue is that it wasn't even a question, it was a statement.

You're not very bright. I feel sorry for you. It would be one thing if your only demonstration of slow thinking on this thread was missing the tone of the OP, but now you have shown you don't even know the difference between a question and a statement. This is sad man. Really sad.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites
GumboPot

GumboPot 147

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Huckleberry said:

Of course it wasn't a genuine question to inform. The first clue is that it wasn't even a question, it was a statement.

You're not very bright. I feel sorry for you. It would be one thing if your only demonstration of slow thinking on this thread was missing the tone of the OP, but now you have shown you don't even know the difference between a question and a statement. This is sad man. Really sad.

So what do you think about the the game this weekend between LSU and UT?

  • Like 1
  • Fuck You 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • Popular Post
Texasrocks

Texasrocks 2149

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted
39 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

spacer.png

  • Like 10
  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Patricio Swayze

Patricio Swayze 17058

Posted
Posted
So what do you think about the the game this weekend between LSU and UT?

This isn’t the thread for it Boudreaux, you jackass.

Go see one of the other 2-3 threads discussing the match up.

This is the thread about how we are going in dry on your football team and making your mom watch the whole damn thing.
  • Like 4
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Texasborn91

Texasborn91 941

Posted
Posted
51 minutes ago, GumboPot said:

There is a lot of BS in your post and little substance.  How do you feel about match-ups?

LSU O-Line versus UT D-Line?

Will UT's backup RBs have the smarts to recognize and pick up Dave Aranda's blitz packages?

You know that 2nd TD pass in the LaTech game by Ehlinger gets picked off by LSU DBs, right?

How do you feel about UT DBs matching up with LSU WRs?

 

I hope Herman's game plan it to test our freshman corner Stingley.  Do you realize Stingley played on the 7 versus 7 circuit since eight grade against your wide receivers?  The point is, he knows them already. Oh, and please kick to Stingley on punts. 

 

How to feel about our DL matched up against your OL?  Do you realize that our NT Tyler Shelvin is playing himself into a 1st round pick in a couple of years and he is backed up by two very talented freshman in Ika and Evans. Furthermore the depth at NT has allowed Fehoko to move to DE in Aranda's 3-4.

 

I also don't think you realize the depth LSU has at LB.  You will know the name "Jacoby Stevens" by the end of the game.  

Ok cool. It probably took you waaay longer than your allowed 5 minute break at whichever gas station you work at allows. Back to work. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing


Football ... Basketball ... Baseball ... Other Sports ... Futbol ... 🤫995🤫 ... Gambling ... Movies & TV ... Music ... Hobbies ... Lulz ... Food & Travel ... Daily Texan ... Business and Markets ... Cloak Room ... Help ... For Sale ... Board Discussion ... Subscribe!... Donate!... Advertise... COOKIE MONSTER!

×
×
  • Create New...