Surly Dad Thread

[BurntOrange&White 39930]

8 hours ago, Etexhorn13 said:

Solid choice in the green accent wall… had the same color in the nursery/baby room for both of my guys. 
 

I am irrationally proud that my 2.5 year old’s favorite shirt is currently his “go horns” shirt. I taught him how to do the hook em a little while back and he’s finally able to get his fingers to do it right. Multiple times a day he will just throw up a hook em and yell “go hooor-wuns!”. I just missed it in the picture, but he did it while riding his horsie like it was south Austin’s mom.

Hell yeah man. 

 

I've never done that type of wall before and it was a lot of YT research and a few trips to home depot to get it done but it turned out great I think. The wife loves it so that's all that matters. 
 

here are some progress pics. Took 3-4 days total with the paint drying and extra coats. 
 

 

Edited April 25 by BurntOrange&White

[Celery Man 20933]

That looks great. I have my office in the same kind of green, it’s a nice energy. I would laugh at my wife if she suggested that I put up that wall accent thing, so good on you for being a handy dad.

 

took this picture at the park last week. Sometimes a picture just captures your kid being a kid in a way that triggers your love feelings.

also I found a new hobby in dressing the baby and sending the wife outfit pictures. She did not think that this made him look like a “rizzly bear”.

[Captainant 27639]

I'm a surly dad now! Our daughter was born early this morning at 12:55AM happy and healthy. So incredibly thankful for the healthy baby and momma ❤️ 

[Thatguy 8682]

On 4/15/2024 at 7:41 PM, UT_OB1 said:

I need some phone advice help. Daughter just turned 12. Wife wanted to get her a phone for Christmas despite for months me saying she’s too young for a smart phone. Wife got her a Gabb phone.  Rules were set. Rules were broken - and not just in an accidental way but a trying to get away with things way. Phone part of camera was abused (nothing sexual). Anyway, look who was right, wife went nuclear option, she’s too young for a smart phone now. 
 

We still like her having a phone that she can take with her when she goes out to play. That was definitely nice that we copied let her roam a bit farther on her bike (and her younger birthed). 
 

Any recs for a no camera / internet phone?  The flip phones look good, but I haven’t seen one that has a text monitoring option. 

 

On 4/16/2024 at 11:00 AM, Damor said:

No help there, but a couple suggestions for when she does graduate to a smart phone:

1)  Phone contract.  It's somewhere in this thread.  Make one, everybody sign it, and adhere to it.
2)  Do not give her the phone as a gift.  It's not hers, it's yours and you're allowing her to use it as a tool.  Dad lendeth, and dad can taketh away.

Those things served us well with our boys, and we treated cars the same way.

 

On 4/17/2024 at 6:31 PM, EE2B said:

My oldest has a Gizmo Watch from Verizon that has worked wonderfully for us. Everything is controlled through an app-who her contacts are, who can call, we can see her location, etc. she only use the built in text words/emojis. She can’t actually type on it. She can make phone calls from it, but only to people who are in her list. I’m sure other phone service providers have something similar. 

 

On 4/17/2024 at 7:33 PM, CleverNickname said:

daughter is 14 headed to high school next year, so I'm a couple years ahead. Good luck and God bless in holding the line. Every friend my daughter has she FaceTime and snaps *constantly*. And fortuitous, they actually set up face to face mall crawls and such. If your daughter claims social isolation from a smartphone ban... I would believe them. Even the apple iPhone chat bubble snobbishness is real. That said, bed time and screen time apps are plentiful and fairly simple to set up. 

16 in a week here. Things I have learned so far.

They will absolutely try to get away with stuff on their phone. Multiple instagram, snapchat, or whatever app accounts. One you know about and one you don't. If you think your kid is different you aren't trying hard enough.

Life 360 is great but it also lets THEM know where YOU are. The alerts on there work both ways and offer plenty of time for them to be ready for when you get home. I turn my battery saver on which kills my location. Now my wife is suspicious. Location lets us be lazy and assume they are where they are supposed to be but kids are crafty and learn to leave their phone at a friends house.

They will abuse the camera.

Snapchat is the devil. Middle school kid in our area got hooked up with a plug that would meet her at the park in her neighborhood to sell her drugs in our sleepy little suburb. This is a lot harder with no snapchat.

If your kids are in sports apps and text groups are how the coaches communicate everything from workout schedules to which uni they are wearing. This will become an issue if you are using taking the phone away as a punishment when they get older.

Bullying because you don't have insert type of phone is a thing.

YOUR WIFE WILL TYPE IN THE PASSWORD FOR A DOWNLOAD AND NOT UNDERSTAND THAT SHE JUST UNLOCKED THE PHONE FOR YOUR KID TO GO BEHIND HER CHANGE SAID PASSWORD UNTIL YOU FIND OUT AND CHANGE IT BACK. HOWEVER, DO NOT SCOLD YOUR WIFE OR IT WILL END BADLY FOR YOU. AND THEN YOU WILL BE ON HERE GIVING THIS TYPE OF ADVICE TO ANOTHER SURLY DAD.

You absolutely have to violate your kids privacy and periodically go through their phone. You will learn a lot by just reading their text messages and then returning it without them knowing.

[Jerry Callo 8699]

I had cell phone contracts with my girls.  Only a couple of times did we have any issues - mostly with not putting the phone away at the designated time.  We also required them to charge the phones overnight in the kitchen as opposed to their rooms.

I'm sure they got away with things, but they turned out fine.  I would not resort to reading their text messages without them knowing.  If I had a concern, I would have them bring me the phone to look at in their presence.  I don't remember ever having to do that.  At one point, the one of the phone passwords was changed, but that was a result of Apple moving from a 4 digit password to 6 digit password.

The girls' phones were linked through my wife's apple account.  They could not download any apps without her permission.  We were able to discuss the apps with the girls prior to allowing them to download.

Our relationship with the girls has always been trust until they give you a reason not to.  YMMV

 

[CleverNickname 1308]

charge phone in kitchen/living room is a great tip. +1

[Thatguy 8682]

1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

I had cell phone contracts with my girls.  Only a couple of times did we have any issues - mostly with not putting the phone away at the designated time.  We also required them to charge the phones overnight in the kitchen as opposed to their rooms.

I'm sure they got away with things, but they turned out fine.  I would not resort to reading their text messages without them knowing.  If I had a concern, I would have them bring me the phone to look at in their presence.  I don't remember ever having to do that.  At one point, the one of the phone passwords was changed, but that was a result of Apple moving from a 4 digit password to 6 digit password.

The girls' phones were linked through my wife's apple account.  They could not download any apps without her permission.  We were able to discuss the apps with the girls prior to allowing them to download.

Our relationship with the girls has always been trust until they give you a reason not to.  YMMV

 

My daughter had a friend who asked us to call her by her boy name when she was in our house. My daughter declared our house a safe zone for her lgbtq+ friends. Her parents didn't know she was trans and her parents didn't know when she was having sleepovers "with the girls" that she was dating one of the girls she was sleeping over with. They were 12 and 13 years old. My daughter's classmate committed suicide a few weeks ago. His parents were caught off guard. Had they known I am sure they would've gotten him help. Maybe you heard about the kid who shot his friends in the back of the head while sitting on the couch at his house because he "just wanted to know what it was like to kill someone"? A freckle-faced, redhead kid from my daughter's school. Apparently he posted a picture of himself with a caption of song lyrics about murder on his Instagram. Had his parents been paying attention maybe they could've gotten him some help before he murdered his friend. Now he will be tried as an adult at age 17.

Kids don't tell us what is really going on in their lives. Sometimes you have to break their trust in order to help them. I say that as a parent with a daughter who struggles with her mental health. Looking at her phone is a large reason why she is still here and helped us get her help before something tragic happened. Your daughters may have turned out fine. However, there are many many people out there with different stories. From online predators to my own personal stories like the ones above. If we aren't watching our kids then who is? We live in a lily-white suburb where people's doors are open 24-7. You don't expect things like that to happen here until they do.

Edited May 2 by Thatguy

[mdmost 43001]

I will once again recommend the Bark app. It doesn't catch everything but it can give you an idea what they might be doing or saying that's risky. With the older one, I've made it non-negotiable. If she wants the phone we provide her, she must have the app on and not trying to circumvent it. It doesn't police Tik Tok or Snapchat as those two turds combined with Apple don't allow for it. It has flagged tons of questionable texts, Instagram stories and messages, and emails that if not noticed might have led to a disaster. 

I will also reiterate, don't get them a phone until you feel they are ready for it. We held out with our younger one till 8th grade and feel it was a great idea, something we screwed up doing with the older one. Now, the younger one is definitely more responsible and has a better head on her shoulders than her older sister. She's also a lot more innocent, capable of long periods of down time without needing a device, and can be with friends who similarly don't need constant endorphin rushes from the devices. 

Edited May 2 by mdmost

[tbone_ 14113]

My daughter had a friend who asked us to call her by her boy name when she was in our house. My daughter declared our house a safe zone for her lgbtq+ friends. Her parents didn't know she was trans and her parents didn't know when she was having sleepovers "with the girls" that she was dating one of the girls she was sleeping over with. They were 12 and 13 years old. My daughter's classmate committed suicide a few weeks ago. His parents were caught off guard. Had they known I am sure they would've gotten him help. Maybe you heard about the kid who shot his friends in the back of the head while sitting on the couch at his house because he "just wanted to know what it was like to kill someone"? A freckle-faced, redhead kid from my daughter's school. Apparently he posted a picture of himself with a caption of song lyrics about murder on his Instagram. Had his parents been paying attention maybe they could've gotten him some help before he murdered his friend. Now he will be tried as an adult at age 17.
Kids don't tell us what is really going on in their lives. Sometimes you have to break their trust in order to help them. I say that as a parent with a daughter who struggles with her mental health. Looking at her phone is a large reason why she is still here and helped us get her help before something tragic happened. Your daughters may have turned out fine. However, there are many many people out there with different stories. From online predators to my own personal stories like the ones above. If we aren't watching our kids then who is? We live in a lily-white suburb where people's doors are open 24-7. You don't expect things like that to happen here until they do.

Damn

[Thatguy 8682]

On 4/18/2024 at 9:00 AM, BabaYaga said:

Heading up to meet the coaches as KU this weekend.  I get it.  "Dad" has morphed into professional driver, chef, travel agent, and most importantly - sports psychologist.  

 

On 4/17/2024 at 6:23 PM, JesusSweatDuck said:

My daughter has been grinding hard on the beach volleyball circuit. She's still in the "no contact" phase of recruiting and has been struggling because of the unknowns. Well all within the span of a couple weeks she was directly invited to camp at 3 different D1 schools (think UT's junior day camp) and to participate in a NTDP (regional national team camp).  Nothing more rewarding than watching your kids achieve their goals

The no contact phase is stressful. My kid didn't think she was truly good enough to play college volleyball. Then her club coach sent her this email.....

 

She still wasn't buying it until we were at Triple Crown in Kansas City and they were in hitting lines. She hit a ball and while running to the back of the line noticed the Wake coach sitting right there. They were in Orlando and Chicago as well, even videoing her when she was on the sideline. Now she probably isn't that high on their Christmas list, but it does tell her that if a P5 school like that is recruiting her, she is more than good enough to play D1 volleyball. So tell your girl to keep grinding and someone will scoop her up pretty soon. We are almost at the finish line. Also, we play AJV this weekend at regionals.

Edited May 2 by Thatguy

[atomheartbevo 89630]

9 hours ago, mdmost said:

I will also reiterate, don't get them a phone until you feel they are ready for it.

Yep, our soon-to-be middle-schooler is going to get an Apple Watch with a cell phone connection, which is not perfect, but we control the other devices that it will be connected to.  At least we can get a hold of him whenever we need to, see where he's at, see what his text messages are, etc.

I just wish it had Pac-Man on it like the 80s kids watches that had it.

[CleverNickname 1308]

as far as I can tell, boys are fine with a phone alternative. It's the girls that are social media monsters. I am not sure what it is like to be a teen woman, but I don't think I have it takes. If they gotta kill a tourist on Rainey Street once in a while just to feel something after survivng middle school, who am I to judge?

[JesusSweatDuck 17781]

8 hours ago, Thatguy said:

 

The no contact phase is stressful. My kid didn't think she was truly good enough to play college volleyball. Then her club coach sent her this email.....

 

She still wasn't buying it until we were at Triple Crown in Kansas City and they were in hitting lines. She hit a ball and while running to the back of the line noticed the Wake coach sitting right there. They were in Orlando and Chicago as well, even videoing her when she was on the sideline. Now she probably isn't that high on their Christmas list, but it does tell her that if a P5 school like that is recruiting her, she is more than good enough to play D1 volleyball. So tell your girl to keep grinding and someone will scoop her up pretty soon. We are almost at the finish line. Also, we play AJV this weekend at regionals.

We just got to Gulf Shores for the NCAA Championships. Brutal drive but she's excited about getting to watch all these teams 

[JesusSweatDuck 17781]

8 hours ago, Thatguy said:

 

The no contact phase is stressful. My kid didn't think she was truly good enough to play college volleyball. Then her club coach sent her this email.....

 

She still wasn't buying it until we were at Triple Crown in Kansas City and they were in hitting lines. She hit a ball and while running to the back of the line noticed the Wake coach sitting right there. They were in Orlando and Chicago as well, even videoing her when she was on the sideline. Now she probably isn't that high on their Christmas list, but it does tell her that if a P5 school like that is recruiting her, she is more than good enough to play D1 volleyball. So tell your girl to keep grinding and someone will scoop her up pretty soon. We are almost at the finish line. Also, we play AJV this weekend at regionals.

Also, good luck this weekend. Wake would be the double bonus of a great school and a great program 

[Thatguy 8682]

5 hours ago, JesusSweatDuck said:

Also, good luck this weekend. Wake would be the double bonus of a great school and a great program 

I truly doubt she is at that level but I cannot wait for when she gets her first offer. Enjoy the tournament. Beach is so much more chill than indoor. 

[Buzzrock 14903]

Oldest (and only daughter) is going to college this fall. I’m not ready.

[Celery Man 20933]

There’s not an appropriate emoji reaction for that.

[Dish Boggett 67]

On 5/2/2024 at 2:24 PM, Thatguy said:

 

The no contact phase is stressful. My kid didn't think she was truly good enough to play college volleyball. Then her club coach sent her this email.....

 

She still wasn't buying it until we were at Triple Crown in Kansas City and they were in hitting lines. She hit a ball and while running to the back of the line noticed the Wake coach sitting right there. They were in Orlando and Chicago as well, even videoing her when she was on the sideline. Now she probably isn't that high on their Christmas list, but it does tell her that if a P5 school like that is recruiting her, she is more than good enough to play D1 volleyball. So tell your girl to keep grinding and someone will scoop her up pretty soon. We are almost at the finish line. Also, we play AJV this weekend at regionals.

This is awesome.  Hope she gets a ton of confidence from this. 

[Celery Man 20933]

Wife was worried that nobody would come to Rory’s 3rd birthday party. We invited her whole class, the neighborhood kids, and some of her dance friends. Counting adults, roughly 50 people came lol

 

 

 

[Celery Man 20933]

Wife establishing birthday party dominance. Dinosaur tails my idea, I helped

Spoiler

 

[Thatguy 8682]

On 5/2/2024 at 10:18 PM, JesusSweatDuck said:

Also, good luck this weekend. Wake would be the double bonus of a great school and a great program 

Bid to junior nationals secured. Now we go back tomorrow to see how high we can climb. Kid played 6 rotation all 14 sets we played. She was running on fumes! lol. Hopefully she is good to go in the morning because she has to do it all over tomorrow.

[SurlyGator 865]

My daughter played up on an 18's team this year, so our nationals was last weekend.  Feels weird being done with club season this early.  Having to pay for private lessons to keep skills sharp in the gap before school tryouts later this month.  I think she is enjoying the mental break, though.

[mdmost 43001]

Gentlemen, this child really is a female. She can drive decently to school when I ride with her but she can't park worth a damn. I'm not sure why parking the car is her weak spot but she doesn't seem to be getting it at all. I asked her yesterday as she got very upset at her inadequacy just what exactly she planned to do with her car once she reached her destinations day to day? Christ, we haven't even attempted parallel parking yet. Where's Sear's Driving School when you need it because mdmost's Driving School isn't getting the job done?

Edited May 5 by mdmost

[Celery Man 20933]

In high school my sister took forever to get anywhere. I rode with her once and realized that she only knew how to get anywhere from our house, so she would drive from wherever we were to our house and then from there to the next destination.

[Captainant 27639]

4 minutes ago, mdmost said:

Gentlemen, this child really is a female. She can drive decently to school when I ride with her but she can't park worth a damn. I'm not sure why parking the car is her weak spot but she doesn't seem to be getting it at all. I asked her yesterday as she got very upset at her inadequacy just what exactly she planned to do with her car once she reached her destinations day to day? Christ, we haven't even attempted parallel parking yet. Where's Sear's Driving School when you need it?

One thing that may help with her parking practice is to record how the car is moving from outside of it. It can take a while for new drivers to develop that feel for a car, and seeing what it's actually doing vs what she thinks it's doing from the drivers seat could help build that skill

Edited May 5 by Captainant

[mdmost 43001]

Ha. She's pretty good at getting place to place. We went out yesterday morning before our movie to just park at parking lots. I even got her to an angled parking lot to take the guesswork out of it and that proved difficult. Honestly, maybe I do need to try just having her back in since the car has a camera to help with that. But her car probably won't so that's not going to help her long term. 

[Buzzrock 14903]

10 minutes ago, mdmost said:

Gentlemen, this child really is a female. She can drive decently to school when I ride with her but she can't park worth a damn. I'm not sure why parking the car is her weak spot but she doesn't seem to be getting it at all. I asked her yesterday as she got very upset at her inadequacy just what exactly she planned to do with her car once she reached her destinations day to day? Christ, we haven't even attempted parallel parking yet. Where's Sear's Driving School when you need it because mdmost's Driving School isn't getting the job done?

My 17 year old is a timid driver, waited a year to get her license, and then crashed her car to within about a nickel of it being totaled. It was in the shop for four months and the week we got it back I backed my golf cart into the door. 
 

[mdmost 43001]

9 minutes ago, Captainant said:

One thing that may help with her parking practice is to record how the car is moving from outside of it. It can take a while for new drivers to develop that feel for a car, and seeing what it's actually doing vs what she thinks it's doing from the drivers seat could help build that skill

Yeah, I've told her that part of the issue is she's using my car which is bigger than her mom's car (SUV vs. Accord). My wife's car is more in line with what she would be getting, a smallish sedan/crossover type car. My car is harder to park but I've tried to demonstrate that you sometimes have to course correct, put it in reverse and start over.  She starts to get quickly frustrated and gives up when things get difficult. It's a trait she's had her whole life. I reminded her that the driving test is over all functionality of the car, not just driving on the street or highway. She's a kid that simultaneously wants freedom but also needs us close by. We're down to the final 2 years of high school next fall and I've tried to move her towards this now being the time you have to start doing more of this yourself if you expect to move away for college. She's very dependent on us for things and I'm trying to get her to start moving away from that because she has to grow beyond us and stand on her own two feet eventually. I'm hoping the car helps with that. 

Edited May 5 by mdmost

[Jerry Callo 8699]

5 hours ago, mdmost said:

Gentlemen, this child really is a female. She can drive decently to school when I ride with her but she can't park worth a damn. I'm not sure why parking the car is her weak spot but she doesn't seem to be getting it at all. I asked her yesterday as she got very upset at her inadequacy just what exactly she planned to do with her car once she reached her destinations day to day? Christ, we haven't even attempted parallel parking yet. Where's Sear's Driving School when you need it because mdmost's Driving School isn't getting the job done?

I taught both daughters in my suburban.  They can park anything anywhere.

Parallel parking is the last thing to learn.  With my youngest, I told her to google parallel parking to get an idea before we went to practice.  She nailed it first time and I never had to teach anything.

I would suggest you google some parking videos. Find one that is simple and uses visual clues (line up side mirror, etc.).  Once you find one that you are comfortable with, sit down and watch it with her.

[mdmost 43001]

2 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

I would suggest you google some parking videos. Find one that is simple and uses visual clues (line up side mirror, etc.).  Once you find one that you are comfortable with, sit down and watch it with her.

That's a really excellent idea. I know the module she uses has things for this but when she gets to the moment of executing the maneuver, she messes up. 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4975]

11 hours ago, Celery Man said:

In high school my sister took forever to get anywhere. I rode with her once and realized that she only knew how to get anywhere from our house, so she would drive from wherever we were to our house and then from there to the next destination.

I knew a girl in high school who refused to make left turns. She would have to figure out how to get wherever she was going without making a left turn. Which, in retrospect, is fairly impressive on its own. 

[mdmost 43001]

1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

I knew a girl in high school who refused to make left turns. She would have to figure out how to get wherever she was going without making a left turn. Which, in retrospect, is fairly impressive on its own. 

Does she now work for UPS as a driver?

[Thatguy 8682]

On 5/5/2024 at 3:46 AM, Thatguy said:

Bid to junior nationals secured. Now we go back tomorrow to see how high we can climb. Kid played 6 rotation all 14 sets we played. She was running on fumes! lol. Hopefully she is good to go in the morning because she has to do it all over tomorrow.

 

On 5/5/2024 at 8:51 AM, SurlyGator said:

My daughter played up on an 18's team this year, so our nationals was last weekend.  Feels weird being done with club season this early.  Having to pay for private lessons to keep skills sharp in the gap before school tryouts later this month.  I think she is enjoying the mental break, though.

Came in second at regionals. We lost in 3 sets all the way down to the wire. Just didn't play our best. Kid was pretty bummed but she can pat herself on the back because she played every minute of all 22 sets at 6 rotation. She gave it her all.

[hookem2010 2624]

2 year sleep regression is underway. I don't know if that's a typical thing, but he will NOT fall asleep in his crib. Once he's out, he can be moved there and will usually sleep through the night. 

I'm ready to get back to sleep training and let him cry it out, but my wife is understandably reluctant, because there is a 50/50 shot that he will work himself up into a coughing fit and puke everywhere. Fun stuff.

[hookemATL 11707]

On 5/5/2024 at 3:43 PM, Jerry Callo said:

I taught both daughters in my suburban.  They can park anything anywhere.

Parallel parking is the last thing to learn.  With my youngest, I told her to google parallel parking to get an idea before we went to practice.  She nailed it first time and I never had to teach anything.

I would suggest you google some parking videos. Find one that is simple and uses visual clues (line up side mirror, etc.).  Once you find one that you are comfortable with, sit down and watch it with her.

My first vehicle was a 1989 Chevy Silverado long bed. It was a fucking yacht. I took that thing to campus freshman year and got real good at popping it in to spots it had no business fitting. 
 

[JesusSweatDuck 17781]

On 5/8/2024 at 7:07 AM, hookem2010 said:

2 year sleep regression is underway. I don't know if that's a typical thing, but he will NOT fall asleep in his crib. Once he's out, he can be moved there and will usually sleep through the night. 

I'm ready to get back to sleep training and let him cry it out, but my wife is understandably reluctant, because there is a 50/50 shot that he will work himself up into a coughing fit and puke everywhere. Fun stuff.

The big thing is staying consistent and putting him back in his bed at least that worked for us.  If they're crying, etc.  Come in and reassure them, even sit with them, but just make sure all of this happens while staying in the bed.  Easier said than done, stay strong.

[CoTex 1160]

UIL Regional tennis fan this morning.  Lost but fought hard, drive home and final review for APUSH national exam tomorrow w child.

It’s nice to get a day to just devote myself to child.  College in 15 months and I’ll miss this.

[jimmyjazz 45893]

Man, I'm bursting with pride over my younger UT kid.  I thought he'd get clobbered at this school.  Dude just crushed it this spring and one of his profs asked him to submit his semester project to his department's undergrad journal.

His sister is the definition of a high achiever, I never worry about her.  Killing it at school, working her ass off at a high-stress job, and playing in a touring rock band.  No concern.  Her little brother?  Man, I can't believe he's getting it done.  That kid is gonna get a degree from UT!

Being a dad rocks.  All my best to all y'all's kids.

 

[TankedBevo 2482]

So, the 8yo has been having quite the tough year in 2nd grade. He has ADHD, but until now it's been largely fine just us needing to steer him to the correct direction. 

This year his teacher sends home a folder with their behavior noted throughout the course of the day. Smiley face for good day, "OT" for off task and "DO" for distracting others. The vast majority of days he gets an OT which isn't necessarily a problem yet because he's still testing well with above average math and reading skills. His everyday class and homework is an entirely different issue. 

He'll do the bare minimum on most work, fill in a wrong and poorly thought out answer, if not outright skipping it altogether. When it all gets sent home and I look through it I'll have him sit down with me and try to answer or correct what he has and he seems to do okay understanding what he's supposed to do but simply doesn't for whatever reason. My guess is he simply wants to be anywhere else but in class while actual learning is going on. We've talked with the counselor and teacher and we do have him on the disability plan but my wife and I both agree that his teacher doesn't have the patience required of him, which I don't really blame her for. It's incredibly hard to juggle 20 wild-ass 2nd graders on a daily basis. 

For background, he's an incredibly sensitive kid who is quick to get his feelings hurt, storm off and cry. He's never gotten physical or tried to hurt himself or others which is good. He wants desperately for every kid in the world to like him, so if he's not getting the attention he craves he'll badger the other kids until they tell him to fuck off. We've tried therapy for his confidence, sensitivity, and ADHD issues but found the therapist was just letting play through the whole session while not really getting to any rooted issues or offering suggestions we could take home and use. She never mentioned if he simply wasn't offering anything in terms of how he feels, but if he wasn't I would think that's a pretty big thing to tell parents.

He's my pride and joy and I'd rather not get him on any medication but some serious leaps need to be made in his focus levels before it starts affecting his grades. 3rd grade will be an insane leap as far as the demands required of the schoolwork. Most importantly, I want him to have the confidence and belief in himself that he can do anything. Aside from telling him how much I love him every day and how proud I am of him on anything he does well, I'm pretty stumped on what else to do. 

Any surly dad's have a similar situation? Suggestions?

Also, I know this is a loaded issue with a lot of nuance and variables but if there's any questions I can answer I will. 

 

Edited May 10 by TankedBevo

[Modessit 5598]

So, the 8yo has been having quite the tough year in 2nd grade. He has ADHD, but until now it's been largely fine just us needing to steer him to the correct direction. 
This year his teacher sends home a folder with their behavior noted throughout the course of the day. Smiley face for good day, "OT" for off task and "DO" for distracting others. The vast majority of days he gets an OT which isn't necessarily a problem yet because he's still testing well with above average math and reading skills. His everyday class and homework is an entirely different issue. 
He'll do the bare minimum on most work, fill in a wrong and poorly thought out answer, if not outright skipping it altogether. When it all gets sent home and I look through it I'll have him sit down with me and try to answer or correct what he has and he seems to do okay understanding what he's supposed to do but simply doesn't for whatever reason. My guess is he simply wants to be anywhere else but in class while actual learning is going on. We've talked with the counselor and teacher and we do have him on the disability plan but my wife and I both agree that his teacher doesn't have the patience required of him, which I don't really blame her for. It's incredibly hard to juggle 20 wild-ass 2nd graders on a daily basis. 
For background, he's an incredibly sensitive kid who is quick to get his feelings hurt, storm off and cry. He's never gotten physical or tried to hurt himself or others which is good. He wants desperately for every kid in the world to like him, so if he's not getting the attention he craves he'll badger the other kids until they tell him to fuck off. We've tried therapy for his confidence, sensitivity, and ADHD issues but found the therapist was just letting play through the whole session while not really getting to any rooted issues or offering suggestions we could take home and use. She never mentioned if he simply wasn't offering anything in terms of how he feels, but if he wasn't I would think that's a pretty big thing to tell parents.
He's my pride and joy and I'd rather not get him on any medication but some serious leaps need to be made in his focus levels before it starts affecting his grades. 3rd grade will be an insane leap as far as the demands required of the schoolwork. Most importantly, I want him to have the confidence and belief in himself that he can do anything. Aside from telling him how much I love him every day and how proud I am of him on anything he does well, I'm pretty stumped on what else to do. 
Any surly dad's have a similar situation? Suggestions?
Also, I know this is a loaded issue with a lot of nuance and variables but if there's any questions I can answer I will. 
 

I have two perspectives - first, I have a 10yo son who got diagnosed with ADHD and was often in trouble for disrupting class or not doing what he was supposed to be doing (despite being smart as hell and always getting good grades on tests), and second, my wife is a special education teacher (AISD) who usually only works with those with more pronounced issues but is knowledgeable about the allowances they give those on the disability plan.

We made the decision last year (3rd grade - started at age 8 and turned 9 during the year) to start him on Ritalin or whatever the equivalent is. It helped a bit, then they increased the dosage and it's helped a lot more. I wasn't sure I wanted to go this way despite my wife, his teacher, and the counselor thinking it was a good idea. Like you, I didn't want to medicate for what I saw as normal kid behavior, especially for someone in the higher IQ range for his age and was probably bored at times. I was the same way as a kid and would probably have been recommended to be medicated if it had been popular then. We had a conference and I quite bluntly asked, "Are we doing this because it will help him, or because it will help the teacher deal with him?" I didn't want to do it if the answer was the latter, but everyone (including my wife) said it would help him focus better and I can see it has. He's 10 now and isn't taking it nearly as much (if at all) anymore and I think his 4th grade teacher has adapted to suit him and it has made a difference. We had several meetings at the beginning of the year about his behavior and upped the dosage then, but I don't think he's taking anything now and his teacher isn't contacting us all the time either. And we just found out she's going to be his 5th Grade teacher next year so that will be good.

It doesn't sound like your son's "disability" is severe enough to need services from the Special Education department, but if y'all do have ARDs or anything you might ask about things that can be done to help like maybe having a TA in the classroom that can quietly help keep him focused (as well as help the teacher with other stuff). If he's really smart and might just be bored, perhaps talk to the teacher about giving him challenges (that aren't graded) that he can work on while others finish their work. My son's teacher has don't that - challenges - and he likes being able to do something the others can't do (yet).

[TankedBevo 2482]

That's good to hear, especially if any medication could possibly just be a short term thing. 

"We had a conference and I quite bluntly asked, "Are we doing this because it will help him, or because it will help the teacher deal with him?" I didn't want to do it if the answer was the latter, but everyone (including my wife) said it would help him focus better and I can see it has."

^This is exactly the conversations I've been having with my wife. Who's this really for, and is his lack of focus extreme enough that it's our best option. 

We've had two meetings (standard, progress report meetings rather than anything disciplinary) with the teacher and the second one with the counselor present. I part of me thinks that he would benefit from an older, more experienced patience-wise teacher. The one he has now, while nice, is very young and I think still trying to get her bearings. I may continue talking with the counselor and see how he does with his 3rd grade work and behavior before making any hard decisions. 

[mdmost 43001]

I think you would be wise to try him on some medication during the summer. See how he does on it especially given the massive amounts of downtime in the summer. I get the hesitation to medicine but it really can do wonders for both his attentiveness and confidence. If he has racing thoughts that cause him to be almost in a state of high anxiety, the medicine can help with that. Sounds a lot like my younger daughter. She's on Focalin XR after us resisting for a time and it really helped her in both confidence and getting her work done. She's gone off and on the medicine since she was in 5th grade. As schoolwork and peer issues got more complex, we put her back on it and it helped her dramatically. Sometimes the best thing to do is accept that you can't push the boulder up the hill without some help. 

[tbone_ 14113]

No one wants to hear their kid has to take a pill to function well in daily life.

I was 100% in this camp. Until I wasn’t. FWIW, my daughter has made a 180 degree change in life since we got her ADHD diagnosed and treated. Not a simple process, and she was quite a bit older than your son. But it has literally given her her life back. Most satisfying thing I’ve ever experienced.

Just one dude’s example.

[mdmost 43001]

Honestly, I've thought about trying her medicine just to see how it would affect me. I know she and I share similar traits as far as getting distracted, daydreaming, and having difficulty concentrating. She doesn't take the medicine every day. Just school days and we typically take the summer off from the medicine. 

[tbone_ 14113]

Honestly, I've thought about trying her medicine just to see how it would affect me. I know she and I share similar traits as far as getting distracted, daydreaming, and having difficulty concentrating. She doesn't take the medicine every day. Just school days and we typically take the summer off from the medicine. 

I did this with my kids adhd medicine once just because I wanted to see what she was experiencing. I don’t think it had the same effect though because I don’t have adhd (not the real kind anyway). But holy shit. I could not take that every day.

[Modessit 5598]

That's good to hear, especially if any medication could possibly just be a short term thing. 
"We had a conference and I quite bluntly asked, "Are we doing this because it will help him, or because it will help the teacher deal with him?" I didn't want to do it if the answer was the latter, but everyone (including my wife) said it would help him focus better and I can see it has."
^This is exactly the conversations I've been having with my wife. Who's this really for, and is his lack of focus extreme enough that it's our best option. 
We've had two meetings (standard, progress report meetings rather than anything disciplinary) with the teacher and the second one with the counselor present. I part of me thinks that he would benefit from an older, more experienced patience-wise teacher. The one he has now, while nice, is very young and I think still trying to get her bearings. I may continue talking with the counselor and see how he does with his 3rd grade work and behavior before making any hard decisions. 

I'm ask my wife tonight if he's still taking it and why not if he isn't.

My son's current teacher is very Type A in control of her classroom and once her and my son understood each other it got much better. Rarely ever hear anything from her about his behavior except for the time he decided to show someone his butt in class (he likes being the class clown).

[JesusSweatDuck 17781]

First big college camp was last weekend and it started out great.  My daughter played amazing the first day and was excelling in most drills and giving it her absolute all.  It was a really long day (6 hours playing, 1 hour tour, 1 hour lunch break) and the high was 95*.  Day two started out well she was playing well and then her body just gave up on her.  She gave it everything she had, and you could see she was struggling physically but she didn't quit.  She left broken hearted, thinking that was it, her opportunity at that school was over.  As a parent, I know it may be, but I have to hope it's not.  It's hard to see your kids give it their all, put everything they have into something, and possibly come up short.  I know it's a part of life, and a life lesson, but as a parent you just want to watch your kids succeed in everything.

One promising piece, I asked her after the camp how she felt.  She said, this only made her want it more.  So I'll continue to support her, flying her across the country helping her chase her dreams.  I just pray the coaches see how much she wants it and she finds a place she loves and a place where she can be happy and successful.

[BurntOrange&White 39930]

We are almost 60 days out from due date.....nerves are starting to build for me and the wife. She's starting to get scared about delivery and that process. Any tips on how to calm her down about that? Apparently just go with the flow and breathe isn't the right thing to say. haha

[jimmyjazz 45893]

3 hours ago, JesusSweatDuck said:

First big college camp was last weekend and it started out great.  My daughter played amazing the first day and was excelling in most drills and giving it her absolute all.  It was a really long day (6 hours playing, 1 hour tour, 1 hour lunch break) and the high was 95*.  Day two started out well she was playing well and then her body just gave up on her.  She gave it everything she had, and you could see she was struggling physically but she didn't quit.  She left broken hearted, thinking that was it, her opportunity at that school was over.  As a parent, I know it may be, but I have to hope it's not.  It's hard to see your kids give it their all, put everything they have into something, and possibly come up short.  I know it's a part of life, and a life lesson, but as a parent you just want to watch your kids succeed in everything.

One promising piece, I asked her after the camp how she felt.  She said, this only made her want it more.  So I'll continue to support her, flying her across the country helping her chase her dreams.  I just pray the coaches see how much she wants it and she finds a place she loves and a place where she can be happy and successful.

My son had a D2 tryout that was going fantastic . . . for about 25 minutes.  Then he destroyed his ankle.  The head coach was awesome, and offered to drive my kid to the trainer's room, but I declined and said "you have too much going on here, just tell me how to get there".  The trainer was awesome, my son ended up as some sort of test case for a bunch of young kinesiology/PT students.  That coach got back to me and said "well, he'd easily play here, but obviously he's in for a bunch of rehab.  He has a spot next year if he wants it."

Son went another direction (sans soccer), but it was pretty cool to see a coach with that much compassion and interest.  Point being, what may not work out at one place could work out somewhere else.  Best to your daughter.

[mdmost 43001]

2 hours ago, BurntOrange&White said:

We are almost 60 days out from due date.....nerves are starting to build for me and the wife. She's starting to get scared about delivery and that process. Any tips on how to calm her down about that? Apparently just go with the flow and breathe isn't the right thing to say. haha

Do you have anything she can use to keep her calm through visualization? Something that makes her happy like a place you visited or something else? Wife was deathly afraid of having either a C-section or preeclampsia due to some family history. We went to a hypnobirthing therapist who made her some CDs that we would listen to at night. They helped her focus on something other than the anxiety of what was about to happen. We also had a special bench at White Rock Lake that we would go to so we could sit and relax near an old Juniper tree. We took a picture of the tree and brought it with us to the delivery room. 

Now, I know what you're thinking. I don't want to do that hippie crap. Wife used this hypnobirthing therapy to go through 28 hours of labor with no pain medicine. It was like watching a marathon runner up close. It also helped us later with napping as he made us power nap CDs that made us feel like 30 minutes was 2 hours of napping. I wish I still had those CDs.