Surly Dad Thread

[Jkwellborn 6,691]

We never used elf on a shelf for discipline. Just something fun for the kids to check out every morning.

There’s nothing wrong with kids enjoying childhood and believing in imaginary stuff as long as they want while they’re young. The world is going to have plenty of opportunity to shit on them soon enough.

[Guest]

What age for stuffed animals to get the axe? 

[InkaUtexas 25,867]

6 minutes ago, FirstTimeCaller said:

What age for stuffed animals to get the axe? 

Boy, 9. girl/woman never.

[CleverNickname 1,308]

2 hours ago, FirstTimeCaller said:

What age for stuffed animals to get the axe? 

For my daughter  - again, mercenary af - we "bought" her old toys and then donated them. So like a buck or two per plushy, offers for old dolls etc. Worth every damn penny. 

[scottsins 1,966]

Just checking in to this thread for some Christmas discussion, as our 7 month old was the star of the show, even though he has no idea why.



He started teething this week, so…yeah.

[BigDHornfan 6,545]

Yesterday was the boy’s first time shooting a long gun.
Started with his Grandfather’s 10/22 and worked up to my AR. He’s a right handed shooter but is left eye dominant. Gonna take some patience getting him comfortable shooting.
Moved on to .22 revolver. He was really good with the pistol.




Tonight we are going to The Toadies for his first concert. He’s so excited.

[Brisketexan 105,071]

I’m right handed at most everything, but left eye dominant…and I shoot lefthanded. My dad tried to force me to shoot rightie, but gave up when I put the gun on my left shoulder and started punching the bullseye repeatedly. Have him take a good number of shots both ways, see what works best. And no pressure, it’s about what works for him, as I’m sure you already know.

[Al_4_ISU 12,451]

I figured out Santa wasn’t real when I was 6. Older kids on the school bus would taunt us with if, but I was already skeptical. I asked my mom, and she just told me not to ruin it for my 4 year old brother. He believed until he was like 10. That was a tough 6 years to keep my mouth shut.

[Guest]

On 12/29/2023 at 4:43 PM, FirstTimeCaller said:

What age for stuffed animals to get the axe? 

I keep a 3-4" stuffed Tigger on my vanity in the bath room that my youngest son carried everywhere until he was about 8, along with about a 2" little Superman that my oldest son played with so much, part of Superman's head is skint off from riding in trucks and his cape is worn down on one side.

Not sure what that magic number is for them on Santa or the toys, but the toys still remind me every day to be the dad they think I am.  i think these days, those 2 toys mean more to me than they ever did to the boys; but I feel like mementos/ reminders like that are important in every day life.  Santa don't make a shit.  When they figure it out, Christmas is still a blast!

and yeah, we celebrate trying new beers and bourbons in their adulthood.  That's one facet of fatherhood nobody ever told me about that is completely awesome.

Edited December 31, 2023 by slorch

[Jkwellborn 6,691]

Yesterday was the boy’s first time shooting a long gun.
Started with his Grandfather’s 10/22 and worked up to my AR. He’s a right handed shooter but is left eye dominant. Gonna take some patience getting him comfortable shooting.
Moved on to .22 revolver. He was really good with the pistol.




Tonight we are going to The Toadies for his first concert. He’s so excited.

Now is the time to train him to switch eyes or shooting sides if that was what you wanted to do.

[next2naus 439]

On 12/28/2023 at 9:46 PM, Dutchrudder said:

Just out of curiosity, what age did y'all stop with the Santa stuff?

We have a 2 and 4 year old, and they both still believe in Santa big time. The older one really believes because I always put on a Santa suit on Christmas Eve and pretend to be putting presents under the tree, and eating the cookies and milk. My wife goes and wakes him up quietly to watch this little show, which has solidified the legend for him. It's fun, but probably not going to work in a year or two. Wife isn't too keen on the idea of it, and seems to think it will be a problem for him, since kids tend to find out the truth around 6-7 years old.

We have twin 6YO's and they still "buy in" on Santa, they know we give them gifts and other family members but Santa and his "list" are still in the mix, we leave a note for him along with cookies, milk and Reindeer treats on Xmas eve. Mind you...my kids also get to celebrate Hanukkah. little double dippers. 

no need to blow the myth. 

[next2naus 439]

On 12/29/2023 at 4:54 PM, mdmost said:

I never understood why for some parents that Santa is this terrible thing to have your kids still believing in. My two believed in him well into 6th grade. I guess they didn't have kids dispelling the notion for them or talking about Santa just wasn't brought up a lot. They got extra gifts so they enjoyed it. Our rule was always if they said they didn't believe, we wouldn't fight them on it. My older one once asked her mom in I think 3rd grade if Santa was still real and the wife said "what do you believe". Older one said she still believed and the wife said then that's all that matters. We had the talk with both last year about them no longer believing and they both said how much they appreciated me staying up super late to build toys for them and doing things like eating the cookies we made. They enjoyed the magic and miss it a little bit. I think they miss the extra big present that Santa got them more. Childhood needs to still have magic for everyone before the hard reality of teendom kicks in. We never used Santa as a discipline device. It's why I detest Elf on the Shelf. To each his own but it wasn't for me. 

this 

[next2naus 439]

On 12/29/2023 at 5:43 PM, FirstTimeCaller said:

What age for stuffed animals to get the axe? 

who cares? let them enjoy them in their rooms or the house for as long as they want. 

[Jkwellborn 6,691]

who cares? let them enjoy them in their rooms or the house for as long as they want. 

My son is 9. He’s got a ton. Still sleeps with a couple because he likes them. Who gives a shit about it. It’s only a big deal if the parents make it one.

[South Austin 52,454]

On 12/29/2023 at 4:43 PM, FirstTimeCaller said:

What age for stuffed animals to get the axe? 

More perplexing question: At what age does my son stop sleeping in his mom’s bed? He’ll be thirteen in a few weeks.

He’s never had a problem sleeping in his own bed at my house, and he’s a pretty mature and independent kid with me (e.g., does his own laundry). When I try to broach the subject with him, in a gentle and nonjudgmental way, he shuts down. I’ve been reluctant to bring it up with my ex because she’d likely rage at me.

[Modessit 5,598]

Yesterday was the boy’s first time shooting a long gun.
Started with his Grandfather’s 10/22 and worked up to my AR. He’s a right handed shooter but is left eye dominant. Gonna take some patience getting him comfortable shooting.
Moved on to .22 revolver. He was really good with the pistol.




Tonight we are going to The Toadies for his first concert. He’s so excited.

I’m right handed at most everything, but left eye dominant…and I shoot lefthanded. My dad tried to force me to shoot rightie, but gave up when I put the gun on my left shoulder and started punching the bullseye repeatedly. Have him take a good number of shots both ways, see what works best. And no pressure, it’s about what works for him, as I’m sure you already know.

I'm also right handed and left eye dominant. Never bothered me shooting a gun (right-handed). I shot competitive pool for a while (even playing in Vegas a few times) and learned early how to aim with my left eye while shooting right-handed. Most people will adjust fairly easily. Might take him a bit to adjust to a scope, but I'd think just using the sights would work without much effort.

[scottsins 1,966]

More perplexing question: At what age does my son stop sleeping in his mom’s bed? He’ll be thirteen in a few weeks.
He’s never had a problem sleeping in his own bed at my house, and he’s a pretty mature and independent kid with me (e.g., does his own laundry). When I try to broach the subject with him, in a gentle and nonjudgmental way, he shuts down. I’ve been reluctant to bring it up with my ex because she’d likely rage at me.

Pics of your ex?

[tbone_ 14,112]

Pics of your ex?

From before she got fat please

[Celery Man 20,932]

On 12/31/2023 at 10:18 AM, South Austin said:

More perplexing question: At what age does my son stop sleeping in his mom’s bed? He’ll be thirteen in a few weeks.

He’s never had a problem sleeping in his own bed at my house, and he’s a pretty mature and independent kid with me (e.g., does his own laundry). When I try to broach the subject with him, in a gentle and nonjudgmental way, he shuts down. I’ve been reluctant to bring it up with my ex because she’d likely rage at me.

need start talking safety with him if he’s going to sleep around with loose women

 

anyone else’s baby look like Frank Sobotka?

[Incredulity 11,654]

13 thats somewhat concerning.

Hopefully, your son is on the later puberty track.  I have seen some 13 year olds at my kids school (going by grade, not confirmation of birth certificate) that had five o'clock shadows.  Others look like babies, its a transitional age for sure.

[South Austin 52,454]

2 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

13 thats somewhat concerning.

Hopefully, your son is on the later puberty track.  

He sort of is -- he's emotionally young for his age, but by no means a baby.  I've tried to talk about sex with him, and he's thoroughly uninterested in it.  And I was too when I was in seventh grade.  But just a year later I was masturbating like I was training for the Olympics.  I think that's a healthy party of sexual development, and don't want my son held back in that regard because he can't whack off in the same bed as his mom. 

And for the general overarching reason, it's just plain weird to sleep in your mom's bed as a 13-year-old.  I thought by now he'd just naturally move to his own bed at his mom's, but since it doesn't look like it's happening soon, I think I need to say something to her.

[Incredulity 11,654]

Puberty is a weird time in life for sure.  I honestly don't recall the exact age when I started pulling one out.  I have been prepping the wife(only has sisters) since our son was born for the reality we are going to be dealing with.

 

Kids are resilient though, probably best handled with some discretion but firmness.

[South Austin 52,454]

11 hours ago, scottsins said:

Pics of your ex?

 

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

From before she got fat please

Yeah.  Since the divorce she's entered Vic Mackey territory.  

[South Austin 52,454]

Just now, BeardIP said:

Reads to me like there is probably something deeper (emotional issues?) that co-sleeping medicating for him, and her both. Maybe co-dependency, maybe some sort of trauma they lived through together, but definitely some therapy I would think is appropriate to get to the root cause. It wouldn't hurt at least, and maybe I missed that this was occasional or every so often (e.g. bad storm, watching a late movie, etc.) but I'd never heard of a 13 year still regularly sleeping with mom like on a nightly basis.

It's a nightly basis, and it's weird, because when we were married he slept in his own bed fine.  Maybe part of this is my son thinking subconsciously that sleeping in his mom's bed is some measure of comfort and support for her, since she can be a bit of a wreck (as well-documented in another thread), and he sees that his dad is now happy with a new woman/soon-to-be wife.  But I think even my ex would recognize that she can still baby him too much, and I'm sure that part of the equation is some need in her that drives the co-sleeping.  I'm probably going to raise this with her since he's going to be a teenager in a few weeks, and will just have to prepare myself for whatever irrational blowback she gives me.

[Mrs Whiggins 13,050]

23 minutes ago, South Austin said:

He sort of is -- he's emotionally young for his age, but by no means a baby.  I've tried to talk about sex with him, and he's thoroughly uninterested in it.  And I was too when I was in seventh grade.  But just a year later I was masturbating like I was training for the Olympics.  I think that's a healthy party of sexual development, and don't want my son held back in that regard because he can't whack off in the same bed as his mom. 

And for the general overarching reason, it's just plain weird to sleep in your mom's bed as a 13-year-old.  I thought by now he'd just naturally move to his own bed at his mom's, but since it doesn't look like it's happening soon, I think I need to say something to her.

I hope it's okay if I weigh in here; granted this is a Dad's thread but for a different perspective and some food for thought. Seems like there's a couple of things to consider: first, you mention that he's apparently not along the path to puberty just yet. That's okay, as you noted. It was similar in our family. Every one was behind (physically and emotionally) and they came by it genetically as my spouse and I were 'late' bloomers. I suspect that when the penny drops, as it one day will, he will most likely become more private about his personal space and what he does within. Second, and this is somewhat anecdotal so YMMV, when I was undergoing treatment, I was quite ill for a number of days each week and this lasted for quite a while. It was a scary time for our family but something I noticed was that for one of my children the need to be near, to reassure(?) himself that I would be okay or that I wasn't lonely amid the hustle and bustle of family life (if I was resting) was apparent. He would 'nap' not too far away or come and give a hug or pat my hand. At night, no, because Dad was there but after school or on weekends when everyone was running around being teenagers. There was absolutely nothing sexual about it. I get a little choked up about it now because seeing him model the empathy and kindness of his father is something of which any mother can be proud. If he chooses to be a dad someday, he will be a wonderful one I know. (I should add that it's  not that the rest of the family are cold-hearted grinches but he just 'sees' people very well). Finally, I don't know your dynamics specifically with mother and son. If he is sleeping in the same room of his own volition w/o encouragement then I suspect it will, as noted above, pass as he matures. If it would make you feel better to discuss it with her, good luck. I mean, that could go south real fast depending upon how it's broached you know? Regardless, talking honestly about your fears (and that seems to be a little of what this is, or am I reading it wrong?) about his potential discomfort or embarrassment seems like a starting point. Maybe she has a few of her own, ya know? Mixed feelings about watching your babies leave childhood and enter the world of young adulthood: pride and pain go hand in hand as you watch them go out and conquer the world.

 

*Note: several replies while I was typing this, and one of them broached something I wasn't comfortable mentioning--that it may be comfort for her. Yeah, that's one thought I had and was outside the realm of my experience with my own children. You've had a different situation and some talking things over with a counselor may help him/her/you establish some healthy expectations/coping mechanisms/acceptable ways to provide comfort and consolation.

[Incredulity 11,654]

Obligatory: I am not a mental health professional, but I did stay at a Holiday inn....

 

It most certainly has to do with the divorce and probably is being reinforced(fulfilling emotional needs) by both your son and ex-wife.   As you acknowledge there will be blowback in attempting to deal with it.  I would guess she will lash out at you and try to blame you for the issue you're trying to deal with.  

Frankly, just raising the issue will probably be enough to plant the seed in your son that he is becoming a man and it's time to move on from things that were acceptable when he was a few years younger.  Avoid a knock-down drag-out over it.

[South Austin 52,454]

17 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

Frankly, just raising the issue will probably be enough to plant the seed in your son that he is becoming a man and it's time to move on from things that were acceptable when he was a few years younger.  Avoid a knock-down drag-out over it.

I certainly avoid any sort of shame when I’ve raised this with my son. My pitch has been to talk about how much he’s grown up and become an independent and reliable kid over the last couple years, and with that he might consider sleeping in his own room at his mom’s. But I’ve been very careful so far to not push it with him.

With my ex, I won’t make it about her at all, or give any hint that I think she’s been driving this. I’d probably say something along the lines of how much I appreciate the bond he has with his mom, that he seems to want the comfort of having his mom close to him when he sleeps, and that he probably won’t move to his own bed unless he gets some encouragement/permission from his mom. Something like that. But I feel like I have to say something, because I’ve kept thinking it was just going to resolve itself, yet it’s been going on for over four years. Everyone with whom I’ve talked about this has commented on how weird it is. Even the therapist I saw during and after my divorce described it as “not healthy.”

[Brisketexan 105,071]

7 minutes ago, South Austin said:

I certainly avoid any sort of shame when I’ve raised this with my son. My pitch has been to talk about how much he’s grown up and become an independent and reliable kid over the last couple years, and with that he might consider sleeping in his own room at his mom’s. But I’ve been very careful so far to not push it with him.

With my ex, I won’t make it about her at all, or give any hint that I think she’s been driving this. I’d probably say something along the lines of how much I appreciate the bond he has with his mom, that he seems to want the comfort of having his mom close to him when he sleeps, and that he probably won’t move to his own bed unless he gets some encouragement/permission from his mom. Something like that. But I feel like I have to say something, because I’ve kept thinking it was just going to resolve itself, yet it’s been going on for over four years. Everyone with whom I’ve talked about this has commented on how weird it is. Even the therapist I saw during and after my divorce described it as “not healthy.”

So, I guess you're gonna workshop my suggested confrontation of your ex with "don't you think you've had enough men who aren't your husband in your bed lately?"  I can see how you might want to sand down a rough edge or two on that.

Edited January 2 by Brisketexan

[tbone_ 14,112]

SA, I bet it has something to do with anxiety. Which is an insanely huge epidemic along teens these days (for those who aren’t currently in the weeds with teenagers) but that’s a different topic.

[South Austin 52,454]

12 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

SA, I bet it has something to do with anxiety. Which is an insanely huge epidemic along teens these days (for those who aren’t currently in the weeds with teenagers) but that’s a different topic.

Maybe. But I don’t see any visible signs of anxiety when he’s with me. He’s a pretty happy, well-adjusted kid.

[tbone_ 14,112]

They don’t always tell you or show it. That’s a big part of the problem.

[South Austin 52,454]

21 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

They don’t always tell you or show it. That’s a big part of the problem.

I get that. My fiancé’s son has a fuckton of anxiety. But it’s pretty painfully obvious.

[Jkwellborn 6,691]

More perplexing question: At what age does my son stop sleeping in his mom’s bed? He’ll be thirteen in a few weeks.
He’s never had a problem sleeping in his own bed at my house, and he’s a pretty mature and independent kid with me (e.g., does his own laundry). When I try to broach the subject with him, in a gentle and nonjudgmental way, he shuts down. I’ve been reluctant to bring it up with my ex because she’d likely rage at me.

Does it bother you that he does? Some kids just like having someone in the bed with them. Like it was mentioned though, it’s probably partly due to the divorce.

[South Austin 52,454]

31 minutes ago, Jkwellborn said:

Does it bother you that he does?

It does. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t think it’s good for his development. Also, while I think the risk of this is low, if somehow word got out that he sleeps with his mom, that’s not going to be awesome for him in the middle school community.

[Brisketexan 105,071]

2 minutes ago, South Austin said:

It does. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t think it’s good for his development. Also, while I think the risk of this is low, if somehow word got out that he sleeps with his mom, that’s not going to be awesome for him in the middle school community.

It's all in how you spin it -- "Oh yeah?  Well, do YOU sleep with a sexually experienced chick most every night?  Yeah, I didn't think so, losers."

[Celery Man 20,932]

[Brisketexan 105,071]

3 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Looks like the kiddo may put you over the "10 items or less" express lane cap.  Plus, you're at Sam's.....shouldn't you have a pallet of babies, purchased in bulk?

[hookemATL 11,702]

3 hours ago, Celery Man said:

I’m done with babies myself but I really did enjoy running errands with my girls when they were tiny like that. Kinda getting dusty thinking about it❤️

[South Austin 52,454]

18 minutes ago, hookemATL said:

I’m done with babies myself but I really did enjoy running errands with my girls when they were tiny like that. Kinda getting dusty thinking about it❤️

Same here.  When I see younger dads taking their infants or toddlers to Central Market, Target, a coffee shop, etc., I look back with gratitude for that time I had with my kids when they were at that age.  Heck, I still enjoy the rare time when my 12-year-old is willing to humor his old man and tag along for a Saturday morning grocery store run. 

[Brisketexan 105,071]

27 minutes ago, South Austin said:

Same here.  When I see younger dads taking their infants or toddlers to Central Market, Target, a coffee shop, etc., I look back with gratitude for that time I had with my kids when they were at that age.  Heck, I still enjoy the rare time when my 12-year-old is willing to humor his old man and tag along for a Saturday morning grocery store run. 

Shit, I had my 20 year old home for three weeks over Christmas.  He WANTED to go on grocery runs with me.....so he could load up the basket with food he couldn't get/afford back at college.  And damned right I indulged him.  But what am I gonna do with that giant bag of jalapeno poppers he bought but didn't eat before he left yesterday?

Who am I kidding, those things are as good as gone by the end of the weekend.  Burp.

[Celery Man 20,932]

Little baby is so much easier at store than toddler. Especially with a good car seat swaddle going.

[Jkwellborn 6,691]

That car seat should clip into the part that opens for the kid to sit in on the buggy.

[Hefeweizen 5,310]

Yeah when my 20 yo daughter is home from college we always hit Trader Joe’s together.  We cook together too, which is hilarious and usually turns something good out!

 

 I’m about 4 months from an empty nest and I am not ready for it.

[Celery Man 20,932]

25 minutes ago, Jkwellborn said:

That car seat should clip into the part that opens for the kid to sit in on the buggy.

I've been tempted to do that and honestly on the bigass box store carts it's probably fairly safe from a top-heaviness perspective, but I'm still unsure. Threw me a bit on why that was a new question for me, but last time was still covid era and we didn't little bitty baby out and then I just wore her when she was a little bigger.

[South Austin 52,454]

14 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Little baby is so much easier at store than toddler. Especially with a good car seat swaddle going.

You give the toddler a gelato while they’re riding in the cart and it’s a piece of cake.

[Jkwellborn 6,691]

I've been tempted to do that and honestly on the bigass box store carts it's probably fairly safe from a top-heaviness perspective, but I'm still unsure. Threw me a bit on why that was a new question for me, but last time was still covid era and we didn't little bitty baby out and then I just wore her when she was a little bigger.

It’s fine on a regular sized cart. Car seats just take up so much room. We would use two carts until we were comfortable doing it.

[Celery Man 20,932]

4 hours ago, South Austin said:

You give the toddler a gelato while they’re riding in the cart and it’s a piece of cake.

I’ve got dum dums in my car for this purpose and it is still a struggle. 

[atomheartbevo 89,628]

15 hours ago, South Austin said:

You give the toddler a gelato while they’re riding in the cart and it’s a piece of cake.

Pretty sure it’s still a gelato.

On another note, I’m grateful Disney dropped another 10 new episodes of Bluey this weekend.  That will keep our youngest occupied.  Plus we have science fair and Pinewood Derby stuff to do.

Edited January 14 by atomheartbevo

[NoName 16,351]

On 1/14/2024 at 1:14 AM, atomheartbevo said:

On another note, I’m grateful Disney dropped another 10 new episodes of Bluey this weekend.  That will keep our youngest occupied.  Plus we have science fair and Pinewood Derby stuff to do.

they are good episodes. what a show!

[Chad Fuck 17,659]

Pretty sure it’s still a gelato.
On another note, I’m grateful Disney dropped another 10 new episodes of Bluey this weekend.  That will keep our youngest occupied.  Plus we have science fair and Pinewood Derby stuff to do.

Pwd is proving difficult when it’s too cold to paint in the garage!