How to Deal With Disturbing DNA Test Revelation

[RDCanecutter 26445]

OK, a few years ago I had a woman show up on FB and say she thought we were long-lost half-siblings. She offered to pay for me to take 23andMe test, which I did.

We were actually cousins, and she was able to figure out that another guy in the family had been the dad. So far, so good.

Well, no huge surprises in my ancestry report. I pretty much look like what they say I am. Among the European part, there was a 7.4% "French/German" part, which is pretty damn vague. I figured I would just add (more) wine into the daily mix, and act a little (more) superior, and done. I'd be a credit to my 7.4% French/German ancestors.

Well, yesterday I got an email from 23andMe, said they had improved their tests to narrow things down to more specific regions. My 7.4% French/German readout was now 7.4%...

 

 

Dutch.

I mean, dammit, how do I even start to process that?

I am scared. I feel cold. I need the wisdom of the Surl. I need a checklist of how to be 7.4% Dutch. So far I have:

--ride a bicycle without a helmet

--sell weed to tourists

--speak English

--Try not to think about my cousin hanging out with Rocko. Or maybe I don't even care. Do Dutch people feel things the way we do?

 

What else?

[bernorange 8362]

 

[Leeroy Jenkins 2404]

You need to become a Tulip expert and maybe learn to play around dams.  

[Ogie Ogilthorpe 639]

Get your self a pair of these:

 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

Is this you?

[pantone159 719]

Start eating smoked eels?

 

[orange dream 1252]

Q:  Who invited copper wire?

A: Two Dutchmen fighting over a penny.

Embrace your inner cheapskate

[phdhorn 6224]

Well, look at the good side... you won't be starting shit with yourself then surrendering every 2 weeks.

[Noah Fence 480]

Try sticking your finger in a dyke dike.

[RDCanecutter 26445]

1 minute ago, Noah Fence said:

Try sticking your finger in a dyke dike.

Already responsible for one ex-girlfriend saying "To hell what my family expects me to be, I just wanna play softball."

[LW Goatman 1124]

You are now 50% less likely to have hiv/aids.

[Spur08 382]

This doesn't change anything.  We always knew I was your dad.  You don't have to call me it, son, if you don't want to

[El Diablo 4232]

Have you considered mining diamonds?

Or it might be best to avoid South Africa completely. Tough call.

[workswithseed 2109]

This will be all the places you can go and you won't feel 7% ostracized. Also language, I know that's your crack.

Edited April 6, 2018 by workswithseed

[Post Oak 20213]

Did you have any neanderthal in you?

[Doc Holliday 199]

I was really hoping for more Maury/Jerry type direction.  Kind of disappointed

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

 

Mijn favoriete Nederlandse woord is schildpad.

Edited April 6, 2018 by Walden Ponderer
Freaky formatting. Fuckin' Dutch.

[RDCanecutter 26445]

6 minutes ago, Post Oak said:

Did you have any neanderthal in you?

Less than most people. But that's what they say today. There was a time when I didn't think I was part Dutch. Now they tell me I'm part Dutch. Next week maybe I'll find out I'm half Cave Troll.

[ohchaucer 1443]

Thoughts and prayers, Van Dijk.

[South Austin 52509]

 

 

[Brisketexan 105143]

Take a dive whenever you play some mexicans in soccer.  They love that.

[Bozo_Casanova 26462]

3 hours ago, RDCanecutter said:

OK, a few years ago I had a woman show up on FB and say she thought we were long-lost half-siblings. She offered to pay for me to take 23andMe test, which I did.

We were actually cousins, and she was able to figure out that another guy in the family had been the dad. So far, so good.

Well, no huge surprises in my ancestry report. I pretty much look like what they say I am. Among the European part, there was a 7.4% "French/German" part, which is pretty damn vague. I figured I would just add (more) wine into the daily mix, and act a little (more) superior, and done. I'd be a credit to my 7.4% French/German ancestors.

Well, yesterday I got an email from 23andMe, said they had improved their tests to narrow things down to more specific regions. My 7.4% French/German readout was now 7.4%...

 

 

Dutch.

Obviously this is bad news, but since you are in Alabama I have to ask - you and this woman, are you still legally married?

[SDG 3319]

Tell your Dutch cousin she is way to tall for Rocko.   

[Walden Ponderer 12639]

The news isn't all bad. The cookies are exceptional, especially dunked in really strong coffee.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

Give your wife a dutch oven?

[Celery Man 20951]

never pay for anyone else's dinner ever again

[NWBuck 8568]

Find a family member, join a competitive jump roping team?

[RDCanecutter 26445]

4 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Obviously this is bad news, but since you are in Alabama I have to ask - you and this woman, are you still legally married?

Married!? Hell no. I can't have a cousin-wife cramping my style when I hit the next family reunion.

[The University 851]

just remember to pass the dutchie on the left-hand side

[Onboard 2.0 9083]

Can we ban him ??  I'd say burn him, but that's for witches.

[fattyflattie 4639]

I work with about 50 of them. 

They don't mince words, at all. 

They are tall af. 

Ive yet to find a good looking Dutch woman. 

If you aren't Dutch, you aren't much. 

And as they will tell you, on the 8th day, God created the Dutch. 

They are also tremendously smarter than Americans, legends in their own minds. 

[Jkwellborn 6702]

You need to get in the dairy business ASAP.

[El Diablo 4232]

On the bright side, they make a damn fine oven.

[Parliament 14260]

Facebook owns 23 and me.

 

[Paco 1934]

...

[markstanco 12577]

Start eating smoked eels?
 

Give you 13:1 odds he won't like those.

[Jkwellborn 6702]

On the bright side, they make a damn fine oven.

Could have said the same if he still claimed to be German.

[El Diablo 4232]

4 hours ago, Parliament said:

Facebook owns 23 and me.

 

That's just not true. They only own 7.4% of it. The Dutch part.

[thunderlounge 7834]

3 hours ago, Jkwellborn said:

Could have said the same if he still claimed to be German.

 

[BillyGoatHill 4312]

Take up speedskating or field hockey.....

[BillyGoatHill 4312]

Take up speedskating or field hockey....

[RDCanecutter 26445]

On 4/6/2018 at 10:38 AM, pantone159 said:

Start eating smoked eels?

 

Are those anything like those hard rindy boogers with blood on them that you can blow out of your nose in the shower once the water heats up the air? The kind that get stuck in your molars and you have to lick and lick before they're all gone? Because if they are, I guess I'll try them.

Edited April 8, 2018 by RDCanecutter

[Cru Jones 4]

Make your wooden shoes and Stfu

[kopp0e 1135]

No one mentioned Dutch women have now incorporated twerking..?

 

[Liquor and Poker 3659]

I wouldn't worry too much.  Those tests are pretty inaccurate.

 

https://gizmodo.com/another-reminder-that-consumer-dna-tests-are-not-100-a-1824149551

 

So it's likely as not that 7.4% is something else, like maybe Walloon.

[RDCanecutter 26445]

Mon Dieu.

[Onboard 2.0 9083]

1 hour ago, RDCanecutter said:

Mon Dieu.

Oh it's a pile of dooh all right ....

[El Diablo 4232]

How did the lady cousin half-sister take it when you informed her that she's descended from a Dutch fucker? I'm assuming that she's been living next door since she found you some years back.

[RD3 64]

I'm thinking about doing this...

[PantsTent 2002]

Start skating on canals to work </Katie Couric>