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Posted

OK, a few years ago I had a woman show up on FB and say she thought we were long-lost half-siblings. She offered to pay for me to take 23andMe test, which I did.

We were actually cousins, and she was able to figure out that another guy in the family had been the dad. So far, so good.

Well, no huge surprises in my ancestry report. I pretty much look like what they say I am. Among the European part, there was a 7.4% "French/German" part, which is pretty damn vague. I figured I would just add (more) wine into the daily mix, and act a little (more) superior, and done. I'd be a credit to my 7.4% French/German ancestors.

Well, yesterday I got an email from 23andMe, said they had improved their tests to narrow things down to more specific regions. My 7.4% French/German readout was now 7.4%...

 

 

Dutch.

I mean, dammit, how do I even start to process that?

I am scared. I feel cold. I need the wisdom of the Surl. I need a checklist of how to be 7.4% Dutch. So far I have:

--ride a bicycle without a helmet

--sell weed to tourists

--speak English

--Try not to think about my cousin hanging out with Rocko. Or maybe I don't even care. Do Dutch people feel things the way we do?

 

What else?

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Posted
1 minute ago, Noah Fence said:

Try sticking your finger in a dyke dike.

Already responsible for one ex-girlfriend saying "To hell what my family expects me to be, I just wanna play softball."

Posted
6 minutes ago, Post Oak said:

Did you have any neanderthal in you?

Less than most people. But that's what they say today. There was a time when I didn't think I was part Dutch. Now they tell me I'm part Dutch. Next week maybe I'll find out I'm half Cave Troll.

Posted
3 hours ago, RDCanecutter said:

OK, a few years ago I had a woman show up on FB and say she thought we were long-lost half-siblings. She offered to pay for me to take 23andMe test, which I did.

We were actually cousins, and she was able to figure out that another guy in the family had been the dad. So far, so good.

Well, no huge surprises in my ancestry report. I pretty much look like what they say I am. Among the European part, there was a 7.4% "French/German" part, which is pretty damn vague. I figured I would just add (more) wine into the daily mix, and act a little (more) superior, and done. I'd be a credit to my 7.4% French/German ancestors.

Well, yesterday I got an email from 23andMe, said they had improved their tests to narrow things down to more specific regions. My 7.4% French/German readout was now 7.4%...

 

 

Dutch.

Obviously this is bad news, but since you are in Alabama I have to ask - you and this woman, are you still legally married?

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Posted
4 hours ago, Bozo_Casanova said:

Obviously this is bad news, but since you are in Alabama I have to ask - you and this woman, are you still legally married?

Married!? Hell no. I can't have a cousin-wife cramping my style when I hit the next family reunion.

Posted

I work with about 50 of them. 

They don't mince words, at all. 

They are tall af. 

Ive yet to find a good looking Dutch woman. 

If you aren't Dutch, you aren't much. 

And as they will tell you, on the 8th day, God created the Dutch. 

They are also tremendously smarter than Americans, legends in their own minds. 

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Posted (edited)
On 4/6/2018 at 10:38 AM, pantone159 said:

Start eating smoked eels?

 

Are those anything like those hard rindy boogers with blood on them that you can blow out of your nose in the shower once the water heats up the air? The kind that get stuck in your molars and you have to lick and lick before they're all gone? Because if they are, I guess I'll try them.

Edited by RDCanecutter
Posted

How did the lady cousin half-sister take it when you informed her that she's descended from a Dutch fucker? I'm assuming that she's been living next door since she found you some years back.

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