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Tom Herman Is Pressing His Buttcheeks Against Your Mirror & Forcing You To Stare At It

closetojumping

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62746

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It's been a grim few weeks. It's hard to know where to even start regarding the Hermantics we're witnessing within the program and on the field right now. Still, there are few things that have struck me as more infuriating or absurd than the rest, and it's kind brimming to the top in my head, so you fellow shitheads will get the brunt of my mental Longhorn vomit.

  1. Personnel Selection on offense, 2017-Present: From Herman’s first game against Maryland to now, we continue to witness absolutely baffling personnel choices on offense that are completely fucking indefensible.
    • The empty set with a mediocre-to-shitty TE and any ol’TB lined up wide makes no sense. Every defense we play knows that that look is going to be flashed. Only someone as weak as KU could allow for even a smidgeon of getting taken advantage of beyond a play or two by either position. It’s fucking absurd watching teams mostly ignore both players routinely and then bracketing one or more of the WRs.  Meanwhile, Washington and Jake Smith are on the sidelines, witnessing this, and wondering why the fuck they came here.
    • Picking apparent favorites at various spots and continuing to trot them out in order to watch them completely disappear and/or underperform. This season, Malcolm Epps and Cade Brewer both cover this issue. Brewer is a pure mediocrity at TE. It’s worth the program’s time to rotate in either another WR or get looks for other TEs. Fuck it, put two TBs out there at once (remember this fantasy of ours from the summer?). Epps is the smallest 6’6”+ guy I’ve ever seen on a football field. His ability to shrink to any occasion is trending towards phenomenal. There are other WRs worth the look on the roster, and yet he continues to show up and disappoint on multiple snaps. In the past, Kyle Porter, the Marble Falls buffoon at TE whose name I can’t recall and isn’t worth my time to look up, Lorenzo Joe, and sundry other WRs who brought nothing to the table over clearly better alternatives behind them. Naashon Hughes. Goldilocks legacy dildo from Westlake. Right.

  2. Attempting to use, or claiming to use, complex analytics for decision-making on certain down and distance throughout the games:

    • Football is not baseball. Football has a sample-size issue that baseball does not. Applying algorithmic logic for decision-making in certain situations and “letting the math do the thinking” sounds great, but the same players against the same types of opponents only get so many reps on 4th and whatever, or goal-line and whatever. Interpreting results of 1000s of other “similar” situations historically and therefore having the dominating results from those situations be the executed solution doesn’t make any sense when your team, with its 11 variables per snap, haven’t faced the opponents’ 11 variables hardly ever.

    • Tom Herman's teams are 40% on 4th down this year, whereas they were at 80% success on 4th last year? You don't say. Maybe our opponents fucking adjusted to the fact that we're going for it on 4th and short on our side of the 50 pretty much always unless a kick to win or tie the game is pertinent. Maybe they also figured out that when we do it, we tend to run for it, and quite often in a delayed push with Sam Ehlinger from the shotgun. Did I need a fucking data scientist to show me that insight? No. It's not 1000 points of data that informs me or DCs for shit on this. It's Tom Herman's fucking tendencies established over his 5 years as a HC that show me this. A sample size of less than 100 instances. Also, kick a field goal early and take the points, asshole.

    • Part of Moneyball theory is arbitraging the fucking trends and tendencies within the industry, even as those things shift. It's not about gathering an insight once and determining all of your future outcomes around that one premise. This is what happens when moderately intelligent dickfaces coaching a children's game decide to masquerade as highly intelligent smartest guys in the room. 

  3. If you feel good about guys like David Beaty and Chris Ash skulking around the program and providing advice to Herman, you might want to consider some uncomfortable commonalities.

    • It can be argued that the 3 worst staffs assembled for P5 programs in the past 5 years are:

      • Chris Ash's Rutgers' staff is probably one of the worst P5 staffs ever established. Here's a write-up at the time: https://www.nj.com/rutgersfootball/2016/01/meet_the_new_rutgers_coaching_staff.html . He basically hired his buddies and cronies and a couple of avuncular influences from his playing days. He cried at his opening press conference, also. This is the fucking guy Herman is whispering about as a replacement for Todd Orlandno? Fuck you, motherfucker. Also: Drew Mehringer as OC is one of the funniest piece of shit moves I can recall. What a fucking disaster.

      • David Beaty's staff at KU when he arrived in 2015 is arguably better than either Herman's Texas staff, and is certainly better than Ash's at Rutgers. However, it still sucks fucking elephant balls. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_Kansas_Jayhawks_football_team A few of these guys have gone on to at least get decent work elsewhere. Kubiak continues to leverage his father's name as a coach with the Vikings. Thibodeaux is a decent recruiter at OU. Kane is the DC for a middling defense at SMU. Generally speaking though, this staff is a bunch nobodies that did nothing and will mostly continue to do nothing. 

      • Tom Herman's staff upon arrival at Texas in 2017, mostly still intact, is the frothing toilet water being served up to the fanbase for sustenance by the head football genius in charge. Stan Drayton is the only guy on the staff that had any legitimate and untarnished bonafides before joining the staff. Beck had coached in major P5 programs as an OC, and he'd been fired unceremoniously at every stop. Todd Orlandno was the DC equivalent of a butt plug, mostly showing up to haphazardly stop shit at a number of non-P5 backwaters. Oscar Giles was at Texas as an underperforming alum on Mack Brown's staff and otherwise meh. LOL Drew Mehringer. Most of the staff is so inconsequential to the fooball landscape that they don't even have a fucking wikipedia page. Herman could have gone out and hired anyone. He hired a bunch of fucking bros and Not Ready For Prime Time mouthbreathers. Half the staff has been demoted since starting on the staff or at least actively shopped at coaching conferences. Bleh. There is no excuse for this kind of stupidfuckery at a blue blood, much less ours. 

    • It can also be argued that Ash's Rutgers program and Beaty's KU program were the worst performing P5 programs over the past 5 years. These are lead guys that are lately in Tom Herman's ear about game prep and program dynamics. Sweet.

  4. Finally, Casey Horny being employed at Texas and shadow-coaching and leading the special teams agenda. This rape-enabling, victim-shaming cunt of a man is actively drawing a paycheck from Texas and in doing so, taking a giant hogger shit all over the game day performance of the program's special teams.

    • Why is this guy here and why is he getting to do this shit? Because he and Tom Herman were GAs together at Texas and Tom Herman knows better than you, motherfucker. Nevermind anything else, that's what this is about.

    • This piece of shit needs to have his office cleaned out and be handed a one-way bus ticket to Mt. Vernon, where he can help Art Briles fuck up another group of young females' lives and cheat to win games in 3A football.

Anywho. Thoughts? 

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BigHorn'13

BigHorn'13 3369

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Just now, Voluminous Banality said:

You have to admit that the Jake Smith wildcat play was a serious tendency-buster on 4th down. I don't think we've ever seen that one before.

Absolutely!

Now run the fucker about 40 seconds earlier than when you did and voila. 

That's more of an example of bad clock management than play calling. Just took too long for the play to come in, too long to get set, too long to surprise. 

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utee94

utee94 15832

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7 minutes ago, Js1 said:

Greatest thread title ever.

 

Not sure about that.  It seems like Tom Herman pressing his buttcheeks against my window and forcing me to stare at it, would be more effective than Tom Herman pressing his buttcheeks against my mirror and forcing me to stare at it.  I mean, if he's pressing his cheeks against my mirror, then isn't the front part of his body in the way of me actually seeing his buttcheeks?

Or is he also simultaneously forcing me to watch from some really extreme side angle just to get a little peek at a cheek?

Or is it one of those one-way mirrors that acts like a window?  And if so, does Tom Herman even know he's pressing his butt cheeks against a window and forcing me to watch, or does he believe he's just pressing his buttcheeks against a regular mirror, just for his own enjoyment?

 

 

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62746

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2 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Congrats on the stupid-ass Look-at-me-look-at-me-look-at-me thread title.

giphy.gif

Posting a new topic inherently involves some "look at me", otherwise people wouldn't write new shit and they'd keep their thoughts to themselves. Is that concept lost on you? Do you think people are starting new threads on BBS's all over the world with some sense of humility and reluctance? It's a bizarre thing to be a whiny bitch about, but if that's your thing, fine by me. I'm sure your history of thread title writing is full of propriety and decorum which should serve as both the template and standard for the rest of the board's posting behavior. 

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17563

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3 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

Posting a new topic inherently involves some "look at me", otherwise people wouldn't write new shit and they'd keep their thoughts to themselves. Is that concept lost on you? Do you think people are starting new threads on BBS's all over the world with some sense of humility and reluctance? It's a bizarre thing to be a whiny bitch about, but if that's your thing, fine by me. I'm sure your history of thread title writing is full of propriety and decorum which should serve as both the template and standard for the rest of the board's posting behavior. 

Is your argument that your thread title is no more attention-begging than others?

And since when does sarcasm = being a whiny bitch?  That's a really odd position to take, but hey dude, you do you.

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texifornia

texifornia 57000

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1 minute ago, hookem17 said:

Are there problems with Herman’s tendencies and coaching staff? Clearly. But the team is 5-2 and competing for the Big 12. It may not be pretty, but it sure as hell beats the Charlie Strong years. 

I think his reaction to this early season slog will show us whether Herman is a run-of-the-mill P5 level coach (aka still lightyears better than Charlie) or one that can actually take us to the promised land.

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SwanderedTalent

SwanderedTalent 5761

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11 minutes ago, utee94 said:

It seems like Tom Herman pressing his buttcheeks against my window and forcing me to stare at it, would be more effective than Tom Herman pressing his buttcheeks against my mirror and forcing me to stare at it.  I mean, if he's pressing his cheeks against my mirror, then isn't the front part of his body in the way of me actually seeing his buttcheeks?

I really spent more time than I wanted to, trying to picture this

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62746

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5 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Is your argument that your thread title is no more attention-begging than others?

And since when does sarcasm = being a whiny bitch?  That's a really odd position to take, but hey dude, you do you.

Dude, you are accusing me of being an attention whore. Water is wet. I used the premise to mock you because of the silliness of it. There are nothing but attention whores here, and sure, if this thread title makes me the attention-whoriest, give me the fucking prize and I will put it on the wall.

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utee94

utee94 15832

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1 minute ago, closetojumping said:

Dude, you are accusing me of being an attention whore. Water is wet. I used the premise to mock you because of the silliness of it. There are nothing but attention whores here, and sure, if this thread title makes me the attention-whoriest, give me the fucking prize and I will put it on the wall.

Too late, ags already put it up on THEIR wall when they joined the SEC.

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closetojumping

closetojumping 62746

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5 minutes ago, RollLeft said:

Its weird fucking feeling when i feel the need to agree with Ctj in public.  I wish it were not so.  Damn you m'fer.

If it is any consolation, credit to you for writing the best neg rep comment I ever received on Shaggy. I remember it now, paraphrasing with: "I'm going to murder you and fuck your wife." That was poetry, sir.

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South Austin

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3 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

If it is any consolation, credit to you for writing the best neg rep comment I ever received on Shaggy. I remember it now, paraphrasing with: "I'm going to murder you and fuck your wife." That was poetry, sir.

Unless you're a bot, I'm guessing he hasn't murdered you yet.  But did he at least fuck your wife?

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SwanderedTalent

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39 minutes ago, closetojumping said:

There is no excuse for this kind of stupidfuckery at a blue blood, much less ours. 

This epitomizes Texas football in the time most of us have been alive. It's mind-boggling, what this program has settled for. It's mind-boggling that we've been as mediocre as much of the time as we have over the past 35 years.

Going back to the 1984 season, which is an arbitrary point that I selected in order to maximize the extent of our mediocrity, we've won our conference six times, one of those by probation-related default (1994). Six times out of 35 seasons and while we're not eliminated from 2019, we don't look like this is the year to add our whopping seventh conference title to the wall.

Alabama has won six national championships in the past 35 (actually 27) years. 

But let's be patient with obviously bad decisions. There's no need for accountability as long as things are generally, glacially trending in the right direction. 

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utee94

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24 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

I really spent more time than I wanted to, trying to picture this

You're welcome.

11 minutes ago, SwanderedTalent said:

This epitomizes Texas football in the time most of us have been alive. It's mind-boggling, what this program has settled for. It's mind-boggling that we've been as mediocre as much of the time as we have over the past 35 years.

Going back to the 1984 season, which is an arbitrary point that I selected in order to maximize the extent of our mediocrity, we've won our conference six times, one of those by probation-related default (1994). Six times out of 35 seasons and while we're not eliminated from 2019, we don't look like this is the year to add our whopping seventh conference title to the wall.

Alabama has won six national championships in the past 35 (actually 27) years. 

But let's be patient with obviously bad decisions. There's no need for accountability as long as things are generally, glacially trending in the right direction. 

I don't mind counting a probation-default conference championship, the ags cheated and got caught and finally got put on probation.  The sentence wasn't nearly tough enough, but it was at least something.  No, the problem with the 1994 title is that aside from the probation-related default, it was actually shared 5 ways among Texas, Rice, Baylor, Tech, and TCU.  That's why it's difficult to consider it as anything other than yet another failed season.

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nunna yo bizness

nunna yo bizness 1687

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32 minutes ago, hookem17 said:

Are there problems with Herman’s tendencies and coaching staff? Clearly. But the team is 5-2 and competing for the Big 12. It may not be pretty, but it sure as hell beats the Charlie Strong years. 

I have mixed feelings on this.  While I don't disagree that this is better than the Strong years it's also the same thinking that accepted years of underperformance during Mack's tenure with shitty coaches since, "Hey at least it's better than Mackovic".  Underperformance is still underperformance and shouldn't be accepted indefinitely because things have been worse before.

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Jkwellborn

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Dude, you are accusing me of being an attention whore. Water is wet. I used the premise to mock you because of the silliness of it. There are nothing but attention whores here, and sure, if this thread title makes me the attention-whoriest, give me the fucking prize and I will put it on the wall.

You sure you want it? It’s a Fathead of fitlump.
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LTtxfan

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1 hour ago, closetojumping said:

 

  1. Personnel Selection on offense, 2017-Present: From Herman’s first game against Maryland to now, we continue to witness absolutely baffling personnel choices on offense that are completely fucking indefensible.
    • The empty set with a mediocre-to-shitty TE and any ol’TB lined up wide makes no sense. Every defense we play knows that that look is going to be flashed. It’s fucking absurd watching teams mostly ignore both players routinely and then bracketing one or more of the WRs.  Meanwhile, Washington and Jake Smith are on the sidelines, witnessing this, and wondering why the fuck they came here.
    • Picking apparent favorites at various spots and continuing to trot them out in order to watch them completely disappear and/or underperform. 

  2. Attempting to use, or claiming to use, complex analytics for decision-making on certain down and distance throughout the games:

  3. If you feel good about guys like David Beaty and Chris Ash skulking around the program and providing advice to Herman, you might want to consider some uncomfortable commonalities.

  4. Finally, Casey Horny being employed at Texas and shadow-coaching and leading the special teams agenda. This rape-enabling, victim-shaming cunt of a man is actively drawing a paycheck from Texas and in doing so, taking a giant hogger shit all over the game day performance of the program's special teams.

Anywho. Thoughts? 

Subscribed... thanks Ctj, Please forward to CDC and Herman!!! 🤘

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HtownHorn

HtownHorn 14724

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I understand that coaches are people too, and have families. They also make 6 figures on the reg, so they aren't exactly living paycheck to paycheck either. That said, I will never understand the coaching dynamic of friends over results. At this point the issues are so wide spread, I'm not sure changing coordinators would fix anything, and outside of maybe Herb Hand the entire needs to be replaced. Could you actually replace an entire staff after 3 years?

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