National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

[Billy Pilgrim 1963]

On 12/12/2023 at 4:41 PM, YGIFS said:

yes, you over-privileged heathen!  Even in 1989, a down payment on a pool of that size would have to be at least $5k.  

The real plot hole is nobody except the criminally insane attempts to break ground on a swimming pool in Chicago in January.  And the cost of flying those same dozen dipshits back to christen the pool that summer would likely cost just as much for Clark as the down payment.  Nobody installs a pool and then fills it and thinks, "You know what would make this perfect?  All of my batshit insane in-laws who can't swim and think every body of water is a freezing cold death-trap."  

At Thanksgiving just recently in Fort Worth, all of my wife's family came down from Kansas to her other sister's place here in Texas.  And they all bitched and moaned about how cold it was and didn't want to take a walk to see any holiday lights because it was like 55*.  Meanwhile they go back home and call wife to say, "Oh weather back here isn't so bad, we'll be in the 20's...no hard freezes or nothing."  I feel like Clark sometimes just trying to put on a nice holiday vibe while people just find stuff to complain about.  

Every time we watch my wife always says the biggest plot hole is having your extended family come and stay with you for the better part of December. She would murder my parents if they stayed with us any longer than an extended weekend.

[Biff Tannen 45691]

31 minutes ago, Billy Pilgrim said:

Every time we watch my wife always says the biggest plot hole is having your extended family come and stay with you for the better part of December. She would murder my parents if they stayed with us any longer than an extended weekend.

Aside from Cousin Eddie (we're taking it with us when we leave here next month), how long did anyone really stay?  Offhand, it feels like the in laws were probably only there for 3-5 nights, which is still excessive, but I don't know about the better part of December.

[Red Five 40862]

Pretty sure the family showed up like December 15th. 

[mdmost 43004]

There's an Advent calendar they cut to each day. I think the family is there pretty early. 

Yep:

The rest of the movie is told through the style of an advent calendar. Starting with:

Dec. 14th:

The Griswold family is at a busy department store buying Christmas presents. Clark can be seen hitting on "Department Store Mary" (Nicolette Scorsese) in front of his son Rusty. That night Ellen's parents and Clark's parents arrive at the house.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/plotsummary/

Edited December 18, 2023 by mdmost

[YGIFS 19452]

1 hour ago, Billy Pilgrim said:

Every time we watch my wife always says the biggest plot hole is having your extended family come and stay with you for the better part of December. She would murder my parents if they stayed with us any longer than an extended weekend.

It's a plot device that they kinda phase out during Act II.  But somebody (you only see their hand) opens up Advent Calendar windows before certain scenes.  And they're in the 'teens' of December.  So based on Cousin Eddie's remarks, he and his 4-person crew are there for at least three weeks.  The funny older Aunt & Uncle are presumably just there for a night or two.  But both sets of Grandparents arrive first and we know at least stay until Christmas Day, likely a few days longer.  So using the sexist term "Man Hours", 4 incl./ Eddie are there for say 60 days, 2-4 days for Aunt & Uncle, and likely 40 days of the 4 grandparents.  That's a metric fuck-ton of family.  (mdmost posted this as I was typing my rants)

We just did a Thanksgiving/early Christmas with the wife's family in Fort Worth (they all came down from Kansas.../csb/not far from where supposedly Cousin Eddie is from).  4 sisters, 4 husbands, the 2 parents, plus my two girls.  8 days of all of us at my SiL's place in Fort Worth.  Spacious home, generous hosts, plus two dogs.  That's 10 extra people at 8 days each.  That's 80 "man days", whatever the hell that means.  And they spend the whole time on the most inane shit and then the last day is spent complaining about how they had no time to hang out, catch up, talk family stuff, see the holiday sights, etc.  The youngest sister's husband and her just got married last year.  Guy's only been to Texas once before and he never gets to leave the house because they spend breakfast talking about what's for lunch, then watch FoxNews and nap, then spend spend dinner talking about sleeping arrangements and what's for breakfast and how many masses can we go in a single week?  It's why I empathize with Clark with each passing year.  Yeah, he's a jackass sometimes, but the poor bastard is just trying to show some people a good time for the holidays if they'd just shut the fuck up for 15 goddamn minutes.  There was this really cool light show in Fort Worth Museum District that I took the girls to and they loved it.  I invited everybody.  Obviously I couldn't drive everybody took care of the tickets 'n shit.  Nobody went by just us 4 because they had to hang back to watch the dogs and bake bread.  I know nobody wants to hang with me, but you're all fucked in the head you don't want to watch two little girls who still believe wander around this gorgeous outdoor/indoor light spread between Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of wiping a dog's ass.  

48 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Aside from Cousin Eddie (we're taking it with us when we leave here next month), how long did anyone really stay?  Offhand, it feels like the in laws were probably only there for 3-5 nights, which is still excessive, but I don't know about the better part of December.

That movie sparked this running joke between my wife and I.  When we were kids and a relative(s) rolled up and their trunk was dragging a bit over the back wheel-wells, you'd get excited like "Oh wow, look at all the presents Uncle Joe & Aunt Roxanne brought!"  Now, as an adult...you see that same dragging tailgate/trunk and it's, "Oh fuck, how long are they staying for?" 

Edited December 18, 2023 by YGIFS

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

43 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

It's a plot device that they kinda phase out during Act II.  But somebody (you only see their hand) opens up Advent Calendar windows before certain scenes.  And they're in the 'teens' of December.  So based on Cousin Eddie's remarks, he and his 4-person crew are there for at least three weeks.  The funny older Aunt & Uncle are presumably just there for a night or two.  But both sets of Grandparents arrive first and we know at least stay until Christmas Day, likely a few days longer.  So using the sexist term "Man Hours", 4 incl./ Eddie are there for say 60 days, 2-4 days for Aunt & Uncle, and likely 40 days of the 4 grandparents.  That's a metric fuck-ton of family.  (mdmost posted this as I was typing my rants)

We just did a Thanksgiving/early Christmas with the wife's family in Fort Worth (they all came down from Kansas.../csb/not far from where supposedly Cousin Eddie is from).  4 sisters, 4 husbands, the 2 parents, plus my two girls.  8 days of all of us at my SiL's place in Fort Worth.  Spacious home, generous hosts, plus two dogs.  That's 10 extra people at 8 days each.  That's 80 "man days", whatever the hell that means.  And they spend the whole time on the most inane shit and then the last day is spent complaining about how they had no time to hang out, catch up, talk family stuff, see the holiday sights, etc.  The youngest sister's husband and her just got married last year.  Guy's only been to Texas once before and he never gets to leave the house because they spend breakfast talking about what's for lunch, then watch FoxNews and nap, then spend spend dinner talking about sleeping arrangements and what's for breakfast and how many masses can we go in a single week?  It's why I empathize with Clark with each passing year.  Yeah, he's a jackass sometimes, but the poor bastard is just trying to show some people a good time for the holidays if they'd just shut the fuck up for 15 goddamn minutes.  There was this really cool light show in Fort Worth Museum District that I took the girls to and they loved it.  I invited everybody.  Obviously I couldn't drive everybody took care of the tickets 'n shit.  Nobody went by just us 4 because they had to hang back to watch the dogs and bake bread.  I know nobody wants to hang with me, but you're all fucked in the head you don't want to watch two little girls who still believe wander around this gorgeous outdoor/indoor light spread between Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of wiping a dog's ass.  

That movie sparked this running joke between my wife and I.  When we were kids and a relative(s) rolled up and their trunk was dragging a bit over the back wheel-wells, you'd get excited like "Oh wow, look at all the presents Uncle Joe & Aunt Roxanne brought!"  Now, as an adult...you see that same dragging tailgate/trunk and it's, "Oh fuck, how long are they staying for?" 

This reminds me of when my wife's aunt/uncle and cousins used to come back to Iowa around the holidays.  I'd always offer to take her cousins' husbands out for a tour (which would involve stopping at a few bars) and there were always death glances from the women, because the intention was to all sit in their grandparents' house for 3 days doing absolutely nothing.  We live a half hour away from where the grandparents house was, and they were basically locked to the city limits, and even then we couldn't go up to the bars in town.

[YGIFS 19452]

Yeah, being from the cold upper Midwest...I completely understand wanting to be cozied up for a bit at the holidays with loved ones.  But no matter what....we got up off our asses when company arrived to head into the city to see the decorations, lights, shop, eat something unique to Chicago, etc.  No matter how cold or much money we had to save up to do it.  You showed the folks who didn't know the sights and sounds of a big city at Christmas a good time.  

So some of them still haven't seen much of Texas, especially the newly minted Brother-in-Law.  So we work up a list of TCU sporting events (he's a sports nut), light shows, museums, etc.  But nope, it's "Gotta hang back because they gotta eat so they can talk about what they're gonna eat next so we can have energy to talk about how we're all too tired to anything so we can do nothing except talk about how we've nothing to do so we can watch a week fly by so we can talk the week after about how we didn't have any time to do anything when we were last together."  But I have to laugh.  I didn't get any sleep while I was there, despite their very kind efforts to make us all very comfortable.  But I was up early with the girls to do some fun stuff and then grilled for everybody for lunch as a thank-you for putting us up.  And I walked into the living room and the other 3 husbands (grandpa gets a pass) were all conked out on recliners watching television.  And it reminded me of the two Christmas Vacation grandpas snoring as they napped mid-day.  Except these guys are all younger than me and have no kids and no work shit at the holidays.  For a brief moment, I felt like Clark Griswold.  Like, "totally cool you're napping, I'm jealous.  But don't wake up and bitch about the noise and that I had a wild idea to cook a steak less than well-done+"  

Ah, home for the fucking holidays.  It's why the old B&W videos Clark watches hit the feels.  There was a time you got dressed up in your best, had a proper drink, ate red meat that was still red, and gave thanks for the blessings of the season.  And you ventured out to see the world in a state of wonderment.  Now, it's "let's sit around in sweatpants and talk about how lazy America is nowadays.  I mean, we could venture out but life is big and scary outside the kitchen windows."   

[Texzilla58 4738]

The last holiday my in-laws spent with us was about 1989. My boss fried turkeys for everyone and you had a pickup time.
My brother in law went with me to pick up the turkey about 10 am. Told wife we’d be back by noon or so. We got there and boss was behind schedule, lots of folks partying, and as he was a native New Orleanian the booze was flowing. We fell into the door at about 5, drunk, wife was pissed, ma and pa inlaws pissed. The turkey was great. They went home the next day and wife was fine; she didn’t like her parents.

[TrashMaster G 17563]

This thread is teetering close to the Bitch About Your Family/Holiday thread line.

[mdleast 8295]

Bill Simmons does a great movie podcast called The Rewatchables.  The episode that just dropped today is Christmas Vacation.

[YGIFS 19452]

9 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

This thread is teetering close to the Bitch About Your Family/Holiday thread line.

That's the point John Hughes was making with the script.  Like most of us, Clark is an asshole, but come vacations or holidays...he gets his game face on and busts his ass to deliver for the family.  And just like that thread, and just like in this movie, the family isn't trying to be annoying or unappreciative...but they're not fucking helping either.  Either cheer up and enjoy the spectacle or go home.  This in-between shit I get from my wife's sister of, "Well, I'd love to help with lunch or take the girls to look at the lights, but I have to spend an hour getting the dog ready for bed."  

No seriously, where's the Tylenol.  

[South Austin 52519]

Underrated creepy line from Cousin Eddie:  

[YGIFS 19452]

He absolutely kills in that whole scene without being overly-Quaid(ish).  

In the first vacation, his daughter reveals they open-mouth kiss.  In Christmas vacation, he tries to make out with his cousin---Clark's wife, Ellen.  Or maybe cousin-in-law.  Either way, creepy.  Then of course wants to see if he can "accidentally" walk in on Audrey changing into her holiday dress.  Who knew this Stanislavski method acting by Randy would wind up making him batshit fucking insane in real life?  Ah yes, ACTING! /lovitz

[Red Five 40862]

Cousin Eddie was also apparently banging the Yak woman. 

[YGIFS 19452]

Well, she is a helluva good cook at that's the way to a man's heart.  

[C-Man 27230]

Watching this again tonight and just realized the kid playing Rusty is one of the nerds from The Big Bang Theory.

[billfromlaketravis 11515]

On 12/18/2023 at 3:09 PM, mdmost said:

There's an Advent calendar they cut to each day. I think the family is there pretty early. 

Yep:

The rest of the movie is told through the style of an advent calendar. Starting with:

Dec. 14th:

The Griswold family is at a busy department store buying Christmas presents. Clark can be seen hitting on "Department Store Mary" (Nicolette Scorsese) in front of his son Rusty. That night Ellen's parents and Clark's parents arrive at the house.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/plotsummary/

Holy shit. At least 11, most likely 12, days with the family. That's a death sentence. 

I believe Clark works through December 21, 1989. At least he had 5 days to hide at the office. 

[Stringer 1439]

Watching this again tonight and just realized the kid playing Rusty is one of the nerds from The Big Bang Theory.

Yep. I do find it amusing that the two richest people in that movie are the kid and the woman neighbor.

[wutang75 449]

Yep. I do find it amusing that the two richest people in that movie are the kid and the woman neighbor.

Google says Galecki is at 100 mil and JLD is headed for a billion (250 mil on the books but she is set to inherit a lot more). Not too shabby.

[Biff Tannen 45691]

15 minutes ago, wutang75 said:

Google says Galecki is at 100 mil and JLD is headed for a billion (250 mil on the books but she is set to inherit a lot more). Not too shabby.

Why the fuck is he worth so much?  Just from Big Bang?

[YGIFS 19452]

No Biff, it's all that sweet, lucrative merchandise licensing from "Suicide Kings."  Yes, it's from Big Bang syndication/salary.  Plus, I think he probably got cut in for a slight bit for the "Roseanne" rights way back when which probably grew nicely over the last 30 years.  For a guy who is not that talented, not that handsome, and not that funny-he did pretty damn well for himself.  I'll give him that.  

Julia is another story.  Could have mailed it in her entire life and literally gotten millions mailed right back to her.  But she cut her teeth on crappy show after crappy show (her SNL years were a horrid cast).  But she grinds it out, living modestly, and hones her craft.  From Seinfeld to New Christine to Veep and several movies in between, becomes probably the funniest all-around female lead (IMO) since Carol Burnett.  Obviously I adore her, but she came up the hard way through showbusiness and has more natural talent in her little finger than 99.9% of Hollywood but she decided to gut it out anyway and elevated wing-and-a-prayer shows like Seinfeld to the Pantheon of Comedy.  Even VEEP, with her star power behind it, wasn't expected to last more than 2 seasons given the weird structure it had even for HBO standards.  But she led, supported, and turned it into 1 of the 2 funniest shows HBO will ever call properties.  And yes, I will still cut Brad Hall if I ever meet him.  

[Biff Tannen 45691]

6 minutes ago, YGIFS said:

No Biff, it's all that sweet, lucrative merchandise licensing from "Suicide Kings."  Yes, it's from Big Bang syndication/salary.  Plus, I think he probably got cut in for a slight bit for the "Roseanne" rights way back when which probably grew nicely over the last 30 years.  For a guy who is not that talented, not that handsome, and not that funny-he did pretty damn well for himself.  I'll give him that.  

Julia is another story.  Could have mailed it in her entire life and literally gotten millions mailed right back to her.  But she cut her teeth on crappy show after crappy show (her SNL years were a horrid cast).  But she grinds it out, living modestly, and hones her craft.  From Seinfeld to New Christine to Veep and several movies in between, becomes probably the funniest all-around female lead (IMO) since Carol Burnett.  Obviously I adore her, but she came up the hard way through showbusiness and has more natural talent in her little finger than 99.9% of Hollywood but she decided to gut it out anyway and elevated wing-and-a-prayer shows like Seinfeld to the Pantheon of Comedy.  Even VEEP, with her star power behind it, wasn't expected to last more than 2 seasons given the weird structure it had even for HBO standards.  But she led, supported, and turned it into 1 of the 2 funniest shows HBO will ever call properties.  And yes, I will still cut Brad Hall if I ever meet him.  

I don't get Big Bang Theory, so I guess I'm just surprised it commands that much money.

[YGIFS 19452]

I never got it either.  Years ago, in-laws and other sisters were visiting and they'd binge watch a few episodes in a row.  So I gave it a shot, because it beat their usual viewing habits of FoxNews and CatholicMass on public access.  And yeah, admittedly, I've got my comedy lanes that I stick to and am kinda elitist about it.  But it just wasn't funny to me.  I mean, it hits the notes and tropes of a good sitcom with a decently talented cast.  But it was going for a "smarter Friends" aimed at people who weren't smart enough to get Friends, if that makes sense.  And they obviously crushed it based on the duration and viewing numbers (nevermind the syndication cash).  

But take "Christmas Vacation."  It's got some low-brow shit, some physical comedy, some double entendre, dry humor, cringe worthy humor, etc.  Plus it's got the feelz.  Same with Cheers.  There's lots of mainstream comedy for the masses that I absolutely love and bellyache over.  But there's a lot that I just don't get.  "Big Bang" is one of them.  There's just shit I don't get.  I made my peace with it.  It's like Patton Oswalt's bit about being 20 years younger and he would just let you know like a motherfucker why Nickleback sucked.  Poseur sell-out, affronts to the art of music.  And then he got older and was like, "People kill and rape for money and pussy.  If Nickleback wants to belt out the same song in 20 different ways for money and pussy...that's cool-ain't hurting anybody."  

Plus, I'll put on "Big Bang" anytime when in-laws are in town and it shuts them the fuck up.  I put on "Oh, I think Lobo wants to watch one of his weird funny shows", they just sit and ask questions the whole fucking time about why something is supposed to be funny.  It's okay during a mystery or a thriller to get a plot clue, but don't ask why I'm cracking up at "I wasn't talking to you, Todd."  You don't get it, that's fine.  I can't even suggest watching "Bad Santa" with them, let alone "Christmas Vacation" because nobody goes to church in the movie.

That's why laughter exists, it's a biological reflex to indicate synchronicity.  One of the greatest lessons my grandfather ever taught me was how to feign genuine laughter to make other people feel better about themselves.  Damn shame what they did to him in the Borsch Belt.  

[Stringer 1439]

I don't get Big Bang Theory, so I guess I'm just surprised it commands that much money.

I think they were getting like $1M per episode towards the end and there 20+ episodes per season, so that’s some nice quick money. Then the residuals must be nice. That show is on all the fucking time. I think those stars (along with Modern Family) got through the big money gate before it closed for network comedies. I doubt he ever has to work again.

On JLD, my understanding is that her father was pretty much absent and she doesn’t have much of that fortune coming her way. She’s just the best female comedic actor in history (fight me). Her salary at the end of Seinfeld was $1M per episode as well and that was 25 years ago. Plus the residuals have to be real nice. As has been said, she is also super frugal. They’ve been in the same house for years and it’s just in a normal looking neighborhood (based on her Comedians in Cars… episode). She can do whatever she wants these days.

[Al_4_ISU 12464]

10 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

I don't get Big Bang Theory, so I guess I'm just surprised it commands that much money.

It's a terribly unfunny show that's centered around something very few people understand, so they cram a bunch of awful jokes in there and it makes people think they're smarter than they actually are.

Any show that employed a laugh track after 2000 or so is almost guaranteed to be unfunny.

[nolongerU2horn 767]

9 hours ago, Stringer said:

 Her salary at the end of Seinfeld was $1M per episode as well...  Plus the residuals have to be real nice.

$600K. Not a million.

 

And she  gets almost nothing in residuals

Edited December 27, 2023 by nolongerU2horn

[YGIFS 19452]

I could be wrong, but I believe I read she got 5-10% of the syndication/DVD deal after the show went off its original run.  And then the re-up for streaming was a little bit more than that as well.  

Plus she made $1,500 from the LEGO deal.  

I often wonder why they didn't do more merch 

[nolongerU2horn 767]

https://www.thethings.com/do-all-actors-on-seinfeld-get-residuals/

[YGIFS 19452]

Damn, did not know that.  Never heard of that website but they appear to have done some homework.  I think their "rate" is the industry standard, but it's a rate based on a much larger pool of money than almost any other show in history.  She had to have gotten to a quarter billion somehow, her family trust doesn't kick off near that amount.  Alexander and Kramer are both worth ~$50MM each with more on the way given the new-ish streaming upgraded deal.  Julia also benefits from a large chunk of "New Christine" syndication which continues to this day, as well as a sizable deal with HBO for VEEP rights.  

As usual with licensing, a small percentage of a large pool is better than a large percentage of a small pool.  I can see now whey Larry and Jerry are always reluctant to talk about it.  Curious what some of the recurring characters and writers made off of it.  I know that Alec Berg made a fucking killing on it and rolled a great deal of that money into "Curb" where he'll live off of DVD/streaming sales until his great-greandchildren are gone.  

Anyway, hard to believe when watching "Christmas Vacation", that Chevy Chase would end up in relative obscurity and Russ and the next door neighbor would be by far the two longest-lasting talents from the movie, by far.  Unless you count Ruby Sue's portrayal as the same girl who was the daughter in those fucked up scenes in "Fatal Attraction"  I think they still send her $5000/year from VHS sales for her therapy.  

[wutang75 449]

Damn, did not know that.  Never heard of that website but they appear to have done some homework.  I think their "rate" is the industry standard, but it's a rate based on a much larger pool of money than almost any other show in history.  She had to have gotten to a quarter billion somehow, her family trust doesn't kick off near that amount.  Alexander and Kramer are both worth ~$50MM each with more on the way given the new-ish streaming upgraded deal.  Julia also benefits from a large chunk of "New Christine" syndication which continues to this day, as well as a sizable deal with HBO for VEEP rights.  
As usual with licensing, a small percentage of a large pool is better than a large percentage of a small pool.  I can see now whey Larry and Jerry are always reluctant to talk about it.  Curious what some of the recurring characters and writers made off of it.  I know that Alec Berg made a fucking killing on it and rolled a great deal of that money into "Curb" where he'll live off of DVD/streaming sales until his great-greandchildren are gone.  
Anyway, hard to believe when watching "Christmas Vacation", that Chevy Chase would end up in relative obscurity and Russ and the next door neighbor would be by far the two longest-lasting talents from the movie, by far.  Unless you count Ruby Sue's portrayal as the same girl who was the daughter in those fucked up scenes in "Fatal Attraction"  I think they still send her $5000/year from VHS sales for her therapy.  

Let’s not forget Juliette Lewis. I went 3/4ths of my life not realizing Geoffrey Lewis was her Dad.

Her brother has some pretty cool home movie/80s montage videos out there that show I bit of their childhood growing up. Think they are on TT.

Also - my CSB addition to this thread - was extremely surprised when I went to see Muse back in 2006-2007 and Juliette and the Licks opened up. “Damn she looks very familiar….”.

[futureman 22485]

On 12/19/2023 at 2:39 PM, YGIFS said:

Well, she is a helluva good cook at that's the way to a man's heart.  

she’s ugly as sin, but a sweet gal

[YGIFS 19452]

Really grandma, a whole quarter? 

[UpperWestside 6169]

This is probably as good a place as any to put this. We all know about Chevy’s reputation as being, to be kind, prickly on set. I think he has mellowed out as evidenced by he and his wife sporting empathy shirts together on his Instagram. He also came across totally different in-person when he spoke to us after the film.

This, however, probably best explains where that rage he has/had came from. One of the more unlikely stories I can think of, but really interesting to me. To be the grandson of perhaps the most disliked officer in the history of the US Navy is something.

 

https://www.usni.org/magazines/naval-history-magazine/2016/april/out-jaws-victory

Quote

When Thomas Heggen penned his 1946 novel Mister Roberts, he peopled his fictional World War II vessel with the types of characters he knew in the service. Particularly memorable is the overbearing and generally hated Captain Morton.

Fearsome personalities can be found, and even prosper, at the highest echelons of the services. Prime examples include World War II Admirals “Genial John” Hoover, Richmond K. “Terrible” Turner, and acerbic Ernest J. King, as well as Marine General Holland M. “Howling Mad” Smith. Yet those who lack the ability to rein in their worst natures may pay a severe price. One whose considerable gifts were ultimately sabotaged by his worst nature was Miles Browning. His career serves as an object lesson in how far the accepted limits on personal conduct can be challenged with impunity.

A Promising Start

As viewed by historian Samuel Eliot Morison, who knew him, Browning was “a man with a slide-rule mind,” but also, “one of the most irascible officers ever to earn a fourth stripe.”¹ Other historians of the Pacific war essentially concur, including Thomas B. Buell, who described Browning as “emotionally unstable and evil-tempered, becoming angry, excited, and irrational with little provocation. He drank too much, too often, and had a capacity for insulting behavior, especially when drunk. . . . His erratic, irascible behavior demoralized the staff officers.”²

Born into a socially prominent family, Browning entered into a useful first marriage to the socialite stepdaughter of a vice admiral. Armed with a quick mind, quicker tongue, tall frame, and strong hawk-like features, he projected power, useful for attracting susceptible women and bullying others.

With the rest of the class of 1918, Browning graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy a year early to join the wartime fleet. After five years of diverse assignments on battleships, cruisers, and destroyers in the postwar years, Browning took up flying. Showing much aptitude along with a penchant for risk taking, he qualified as a naval aviator in 1924. Assignments in the fledgling naval air service included duty on board America’s first carrier, the USS Langley (CV-1), service with the U.S. Fleet’s Scouting Force; design and testing of aircraft at the Bureau of Aeronautics, command of carrier fighters, study at the Naval War College, and a stint as a naval air instructor. Thus, Browning emerged ideally prepared for the new era in naval warfare when battleship supremacy gave way to the aircraft carrier.

 

During these years, a style of adventurousness, leading at times to recklessness, arrogance, and insistence on perfection from others, fully emerged. Obsessed with having his squadron excel at the 1936 National Air Races, he rejected with insults six prospective number-two wingmen before finding one he could tolerate. All caution was cast aside during one nighttime flight when, with minimal visibility, his fliers—who lacked radios—were required to follow him in close formation in a maneuver so hazardous they were forbidden to ever mention it. Browning later became enraged when, within just days of the races, he was transferred and his pleas for a deferral were denied.³

Assignment to the staff of still little-known Rear Admiral William F. Halsey Jr. presented Browning with his great opportunity. Beginning there as air tactical officer, Browning later departed to lead the air wing of the Yorktown (CV-5), then returned to become Halsey’s operations and war plans officer, and finally in June 1941, his chief of staff.

Opening Fights—On and Off the Battlefield

Outwardly, Halsey and his chief of staff were very different types of people. While Halsey was ebullient and enormously popular, Browning was cold, aloof, condescending, sarcastic, and prone to lecturing rather than discussing issues. So intent was he on winning, he even used his superb knowledge of Robert’s Rules of Order to tie a conference in knots when the argument went against him.⁴ But Halsey and Browning were much alike in their high capacity for risk, dislike for administration, and inattention to detail.

The outbreak of war found Browning and Halsey at sea on board the Enterprise (CV-6) after delivering aircraft to Wake Island. With American forces throughout the Pacific in retreat, the U.S. Fleet commander-in-chief, Admiral Ernest King, pressured his Pacific Fleet commander, Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, for a bold counterstroke. Although members of Nimitz’s staff strongly opposed such ventures as too risky, Halsey undertook to raid the Marshall and Gilbert islands.

During the Marshalls operation, Browning convinced Halsey to extend the attack by striking the heart of the enemy position—Kwajalein. One morning, 21 air strikes were executed while the Enterprise cruised in a tight area surrounded by Japanese air bases. Morison observed, “Surely some kind angel was guarding them from submarines and air bombers.”⁵ And Halsey would write, “It was one of those plans which are called brilliant if they succeed and foolhardy if they fail.”⁶ Given America’s slender resources then, it is debatable whether Browning’s extra flourish was worth the added risk.

 

These operations, followed by strikes against Wake and Marcus Island, turned hitherto unknown Halsey into a national hero, and Browning shared the glory. Earning recognition from Life magazine as a master of naval air warfare, Browning gained spot promotion to captain.

Browning later accompanied Halsey to San Francisco to meet Lieutenant Colonel James Doolittle and hear his ideas for a raid on Tokyo using Halsey’s carriers, whose movements Browning would plan. During the return voyage after launching Doolittle’s Army bombers, Browning had one of his explosive episodes. After Flag Lieutenant William Ashford reported sighting a periscope, Browning loudly denounced him, rejecting his suggestions that the course be changed and that a scheduled refueling be delayed until nightfall. Halsey sided with Ashford, causing Browning to stalk off and sulk while the flag lieutenant’s suggestions were implemented. After a photograph proved the submarine threat was real, Halsey made Browning apologize, which was done with ill grace.⁷

A Rendezvous with Destiny

Shortly after the Doolittle Raid, Halsey was sidelined with dermatitis and a replacement was needed to take over Task Force (TF) 16, built around the carriers Enterprise andHornet (CV-8). Halsey’s surprising recommendation was Rear Admiral Raymond A. Spruance, commander of the warship screen during the Central Pacific raids. Although Spruance had no experience leading carriers, Halsey was so confident in the expertise of Browning and his staff that he convinced Nimitz to make that choice.

After American intelligence discovered that the Japanese planned to invade Midway Atoll, Spruance positioned TF 16 to surprise their forces. At about 0600 on 4 June, Japanese aircraft were observed winging toward Midway and, soon after, the enemy carriers were spotted.

In writing about what followed, most historians have followed Morison, who wrote: “Spruance had originally intended to launch his planes at 0900 when there would be less than a hundred miles of ocean for them to cover. . . . But, as reports came in of the strike on Midway, he decided, on the advice of his chief of staff [Browning], to launch two hours earlier in the hope of catching the carriers in the act of refueling planes on deck for a second strike on the atoll.”⁸ On this basis, Browning has been hailed for his brilliant decision, including by historian Clark G. Reynolds, who wrote, “Captain Browning made one of the shrewdest calculations in naval history.”⁹

 

Disagreeing with Morison, Spruance’s biographer, Thomas Buell, maintains that no persuasion was involved, as it was Spruance’s intent all along to launch at the earliest possible moment to gain surprise.¹⁰Buell is supported by John B. Lundstrom, who has explained how Morison could easily have been misled.¹¹ It might be fairly concluded that Spruance and Browning independently recognized it was essential to attack as soon as possible. If Browning had the additional insight that such action could catch the enemy carriers at their most vulnerable, that perception did not materially change the response.

As events unfolded, a series of uncoordinated, mostly low-level attacks by Midway-based aircraft, and planes from the two TF 16 carriers plus the Yorktown from TF 17, all failed with heavy losses. But in repelling those attackers, the defending Japanese fighters descended to sea level, leaving the ceiling wide open for the American dive bombers to form up and hurtle down to their targets. With fully gassed and armed aircraft making their decks virtual tinderboxes, three of the four enemy carriers—the Kaga, Soryu, and Akagi—were set ablaze in minutes.

During the return of the American aircraft, an inexcusable communications failure occurred for which Browning, as chief of staff, must be held primarily responsible. Carrier pilots need to know “Point Option”—where they can expect to rejoin their vessels. Because the Enterprise and Hornet did not travel as fast and far as expected, Point Option changed without anyone informing the pilots. Not finding their carriers where expected and running out of gas, many returning pilots were forced to ditch or settled for any available deck, causing loss of life and precious aircraft, and impairing cohesion for later operations.¹²

And there would be another unforgivable lapse that day. After the fourth enemy carrier, the Hiryu, was spotted, Spruance ordered a dive-bomber attack. Although the Hornet’s dive bombers were expected to join the Enterprise’s in a coordinated attack, Browning failed to pass on Spruance’s instructions.¹³ Consequently, the Hornet’s planes departed a half-hour after the Enterprise’s, arriving only after the “Big E’s” fliers had left the Hiryu aflame. Throughout the three-day battle, Browning was similarly negligent in issuing instructions to the Hornet.¹⁴

That night, Spruance sailed away from the Japanese to avoid ambush by their still-powerful surface forces. The next day, after waiting until afternoon to be satisfied the Japanese would not press their attack on Midway, he decided to pursue the burning Hiryu, observed with other ships northwest of the island.

 

Browning’s plan called for arming the dive bombers with 1,000-pound bombs for an attack at a range of 275 miles. That stunned the Enterprise’s squadron commanders, who, given the distance and bomb weight, doubted they would have enough gas to return. Gaining support from the carrier’s air group commander, Lieutenant Commander Wade McClusky, who was in sick bay recovering from wounds suffered the day before, they rushed with him to the bridge.

Confronting Browning, McClusky questioned if he had ever flown such a mission in this dive-bomber model. Browning admitted he had not. McClusky then proposed delaying the launch an hour to close the range and also suggested lightening the load by substituting 500-pound bombs. This was unacceptable to Browning, leading to a shouting match that drew in Spruance. One of the aviators told Spruance: “Admiral, we will go if you tell us to. But, if we go, we won’t be coming back.” Spruance responded, “I will do what the pilots want.” Humiliated at being overruled, Browning stormed away weeping and screaming to sulk in his cabin.¹⁵ As for the mission, the Hiryu had long since slipped beneath the waves and little else was achieved.

Although Spruance withheld criticism after Midway, he retained no confidence in Browning and refused to recommend him for a medal.¹⁶ However, on return to duty, Halsey obtained a Distinguished Service Medal for Browning, the citation claiming, “by his judicious planning and brilliant execution, [he] was largely responsible for the rout of the enemy Japanese fleet in the Battle of Midway.”¹⁷

In fact, the victory probably owed more to luck than Browning’s “judicious planning,” as there was no way to anticipate that the defending enemy fighters would find themselves so out of position when the dive bombers arrived. As for “brilliant execution,” those words were far removed from the uncoordinated carrier attacks and the unforgivable wastage of airmen and aircraft during their return. For historian Craig L. Symonds, “the citation claim[ing] that Browning was ‘largely responsible’ for the American victory at Midway, an assertion that some historians have taken seriously . . . is manifestly untrue.”¹⁸ The fact that the Distinguished Service Medal awarded to Spruance gave him credit for such relatively mundane attributes as “seamanship, endurance, and tenacity” while Browning won praise for his “judicious planning and brilliant execution” was considered by Buell one of “the ironies of war.”¹⁹

Decline and Fall

The esteem that accrued to Browning after Midway was soon flagrantly squandered. Unsurprisingly ill-suited to a settled domestic life (Browning married four times), with considerable indiscretion he pursued the wife of a Navy commander. Caught in bed with her, Browning suffered a severe beating by the commander, a skilled boxer, and was widely abhorred by officers offended by the betrayal of one of their own.²⁰ Yet Browning retained the support of Halsey. When the admiral was appointed commander, South Pacific in October 1942 during a crisis at Guadalcanal, Browning accompanied him as chief of staff.

 

Working closely with Halsey at Noumea on New Caledonia, Browning headed a staff of 15 officers and 50 bluejackets that planned operations and issued orders affecting all Allied armed forces in the wide operations area. The succeeding months would see a series of great naval actions, most important the three-day Naval Battle of Guadalcanal, fought in the words of Halsey’s biographer in the “Nelsonian spirit.”

At the same time, certain actions during the Guadalcanal campaign did not sit well with Nimitz and King. One was the decision to risk America’s two remaining Pacific carriers against superior Japanese forces at the Battle of the Santa Cruz Islands, resulting in the loss of the Hornet and damage to the Enterprise. Another was removing in disgrace a highly decorated cruiser captain for not rendering assistance to the survivors of the USS Juneau (CL-52), a far from clear-cut situation whose harsh settlement, at Browning’s urging, Halsey would regret and later attempt to reverse.²¹

To Nimitz and King, who retained great confidence in Halsey, Browning was responsible for what went wrong. King would say later: “Browning was no damn good at all. He had no brains and no understanding.”²² Well aware of Browning’s situation and fearing he would be removed, Halsey wrote to Nimitz at the end of 1942 emphasizing his indispensability. Then came the fatal event for Browning, a visit to the South Pacific in January 1943 by Secretary of the Navy Frank Knox.

E. B. Potter vividly described what ensued. “Miles Browning had been up to form, offending Knox and others repeatedly. Officers closely associated with Browning and recognizing his abilities learned to shrug off his temperamental vagaries, but Knox in a few hours of astonished observation had tagged him as a psychological basket case and, in his current post, a clear and imminent danger to the national security. . . . Knox returned to Washington [resolved] to provide Halsey with a sane and competent chief of staff.”²³

That couldn’t be done until the admiral, still fiercely loyal to Browning, could be bought off. In the meantime, Halsey submitted five separate recommendations for Browning’s promotion to rear admiral that, predictably, were dead on arrival. Nevertheless, Halsey obtained a Silver Star for Browning covering the entire war through Midway, for “conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action.” Finally, in July 1943, King was able to offer Browning a highly desirable command that Halsey could not reasonably block: captaincy of the new USS Hornet (CV-12).

 

Browning’s appointment did not sit well with the carrier airmen who coveted that command, but as King said later, “the idea was to get rid of him at once.”²⁴ Most unhappy would be the Hornet’s complement, particularly the officers. The carrier’s chief clerk remembered Browning as a “hard driver,” “martinet,” “fanatic,” and “hardest on the officers.”²⁵ To a member of the carrier air group, “every order was a snarl, and his subordinates reacted to him with fear and hatred.”²⁶ Even Heggen’s fictional Captain Morton was no worse.

Browning ruled the ship undisturbed until March 1944, when Rear Admiral Joseph J. “Jocko” Clark arrived and raised his flag on the Hornet as carrier division commander. Now Browning’s every movement and utterance would be under scrutiny. Tensions between the two men had long existed, and Clark was thoroughly disgusted with Browning’s wife-poaching. Still, Clark assured Browning that the past would be set aside if he performed well.

As Clark would write, in the space of a few months he saved Browning on three occasions. Two instances involved shiphandling, in one case preventing Browning from running the ship aground, and in the other averting a ramming. In the third case, Clark intercepted an insubordinate message Browning had written to the task group commander that likely would have resulted in Browning’s removal had it been delivered.²⁷

Clark and Vice Admiral Marc A. Mitscher, commander of the fast carriers, wanted to be rid of Browning but needed to wait for a serious misstep. It happened one evening during the showing of a movie while the ship was anchored at Eniwetok. An accidental release of air from a fire extinguisher touched off a panic that there was a live bomb on board. In the tumult, a sailor fell overboard but was rescued. Browning then rejected Clark’s suggestions that a boat be dispatched to look for any others who might have fallen overboard and that a muster be held to determine if anyone was missing. Unhappily for Browning, the body of a sailor was recovered two days later. Clark told Mitscher, “Here is the overt act I have been waiting for.”²⁸

After a court of inquiry found Browning guilty of negligence, he was detached and came ashore, permanently, in May 1944.²⁹While morale on board the Hornet soared under her new captain, Browning was exiled to the faculty of a staff college at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas.

Formal and organized cruiser commander Rear Admiral Robert B. Carney had replaced Browning as Halsey’s chief of staff. Although neither Carney nor Halsey was pleased about the arrangement, they eventually became very close. However, for all of Carney’s talents that would lead one day to his appointment as Chief of Naval Operations, he was unable to prevent Halsey’s great errors at Leyte Gulf and during two typhoons that have irretrievably sullied the admiral’s reputation. At least on those occasions, Browning might well have done better and probably no worse than Carney.

Upon Browning’s retirement on 1 January 1947, just before he turned 50, the Navy found it safe to raise him to the rank of rear admiral. In retirement Browning visited Japan and proved himself still capable of raising eyebrows. According to his obituary: “He attacked as a myth the belief that the atom bomb’s radioactive effects were of long duration. He said that gardens were growing where the bomb fell on Hiroshima and 200-foot high chimneys were left standing by the blast.”³⁰ Afterward, Browning headed the Civil Defense office for the state of New Hampshire, whose citizenry happily never needed to put Browning’s rosy outlook to the test.

More than 60 years after Browning’s death in 1954, something of his unruly spirit lives on—and thrives—channeled in a very different direction by his grandson, comic actor Chevy Chase