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Required Reading for any Longhorn ×

God's magic garden, a lesson on the bird and bees

Longboard Horn

By Longboard Horn
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Longboard Horn

Longboard Horn 40544

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I think I might have shared this on shaggy a few years back, but I'll repost it for shits and giggles. Hope it gives y'all some laughs. You can't make this shit up...

So sometime back in 2012, my youngest brother was in his second year of Boy Scouts. Now, what do boys that age (12-13) usually like to talk about? Mainly sports, girls, girls, and sex. One 13 year old was oblivious to anything that they were talking about when it came to sex. So my brother asks him, "dude, what do you think your dick is for?" The kid responds with something like going to the bathroom. It's now obvious that this kid had been sheltered by his parents and hadn't ever seen the sex education films that we all started watching in like 4th or 5th grade. My brother tells him that's not the only thing it's for, then proceeds to break down the entire explanation of the birds and bees. He not only informs the kid, but traumatizes him. Afterwards, my brother asks him, "where did you think babies came from? The stork?" This next part you cannot make up. The kid responds with, "my parents told me that when you get married you then receive an invitation to God's magic garden to pick out a baby." Yes, he REALLY said that and believed it to be true. 

Flash forward to a few days later. I'm at home after work when my stepmother gets a weird text from her ex husband saying something like, "heads up, expect an angry sex call." She and I are both puzzled and give a WTF reaction to it. Then, about 10 minutes later, she receives a call from that sheltered boy's mother. My stepmother apologizes for my brother telling her son about the birds and the bees, but then says that he shouldn't have been sheltered from a subject that he's going to eventually have to deal with as he gets older. His mother says that she and her husband were eventually going to give him the talk..... the night before his wedding. And she was serious about that! 

It gets better. The next week after that call, my brother comes home laughing. He let's us know that the sheltered kid withdrew from public school and is going to be home schooled because apparently word got out around the middle school about his lack of sex knowledge and all the popular girls in the 7th grade got together and wrote him a letter inviting him to pick out a baby from God's magic garden. Poor kid....    

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11824

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I met several 'similarly" educated kids my freshman year at UT in Jester.  Honestly about half/half guys/girls, and it pretty much went one of 2 ways for those kids.

They either kept the strict upbringing schtick and made zero friends, never left their dorm room except to go to class, no parties, nothing.

or they became the resident hellraisers, staying up 3 days straight partying, maybe going to class, doing every single drug known to man, fucking anything that moved.

There was no in-between with that subset.  either they stayed true to Mom and Dad's teachings or they rebelled the moment they had some actual freedom to make decisions. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40920

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5 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

If she’s gonna wait until the night before he gets married, she might as well not bother. 
 

“wait til you’re married” was probably fine when people got married at 16. 

My mom actually bought a pair of pajamas for me to wear on my honeymoon. Lulz

 

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Doc Reeves

Doc Reeves 6434

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Yeah, BSA is overwhelmingly LDS now and has all of the disfunction that a Mormon family has but it now it’s your problem to keep it secret with them. 
 

I was a Boy Scout, Eagle Scout, camp councilor, trek captain, and worked for the BSA office after college and I have never seen a group of people so convinced of their religious superiority but at the same time pathologically lie to everyone with a weird brainwashed smile. 

 

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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14949

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Yeah, BSA is overwhelmingly LDS now and has all of the disfunction that a Mormon family has but it now it’s your problem to keep it secret with them. 
 
I was a Boy Scout, Eagle Scout, camp councilor, trek captain, and worked for the BSA office after college and I have never seen a group of people so convinced of their religious superiority but at the same time pathologically lie to everyone with a weird brainwashed smile. 
 


Yet you spent an awful lot of time with them.
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